Observing The full cycle and triangulation

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My SIL is considering breaking up with her husband. He had outbursts about not getting picked up from work and when his MIL had an accident (got hospitalised, pulled a muscle or something, not sure if alcohol was involved this time) he said " I wish she broke her back". This is unhealthy behaviour and also the only major events I know about in detail. Then they also had some issues about raising the kids.

My SIL confined with my Wife and her mother UPWBPD. I made a subtle hint to my SO that it is probably not the best thing for her mom to get involved. My wife was very defensiveness of the SIL and my MIL's choices and pointed to my BIL (he has some unresolved issues etc.). I was very validating and stepped away as not to cause any arguments.

The sad thing here is that my BIL's outbursts that I'm aware of is directly related to our MIL. My Wife and SIL overshares with their mother. The MIL reacts to all this sharing and then they all band together in some way against the outsiders. My MIL constantly attack others on Social media as well. The BIL and I have always been under constant criticism.

The BIL, I and FIL are the outsiders of our MIL's family unit(daughters and grandchildren). This also drips into our family and I become the outsider with my own daughters and wives. I find myself on the outside of this bubble and I'm sure it's the same for my BIL and FIL. It is always about the MIL.

The more you push against this bubble the bigger it gets. I think this is happening with my BIL again now. My FIL has dementia(beginning) and MIL is making it all about herself. The daughters are drawn in again.

I'm going to take it one step further. My SIL openly admitted to me that she sided with her mom against her husband in the past. Sometimes we very easily only blame the MIL but then we miss our wives jockeying for their mother's attention and then the husbands get pushed to the outside again and we try to get back in again...

My BIL's behaviour is probably just him jockeying back into the triangle again and my SIL is just moving to a different form of abuse from her mom.

I felt gutted when I heard about my SIL considering splitting with her husband. It brought up a lot of past hurts and made me wonder about my own marriage. I'll probably always be the outsider in this dynamic. Things are calm but then I can feel this undertone stress in my stomach when I was at soccer training. I lost my appetite for this triangulation, but not sure if I can really step away from it.

I'm just sharing.

[Teno]

My SIL is considering breaking up with her husband. He had outbursts about not getting picked up from work and when his MIL had an accident (got hospitalised, pulled a muscle or something, not sure if alcohol was involved this time) he said " I wish she broke her back". This is unhealthy behaviour and also the only major events I know about in detail. Then they also had some issues about raising the kids.

My SIL confined with my Wife and her mother UPWBPD. I made a subtle hint to my SO that it is probably not the best thing for her mom to get involved. My wife was very defensiveness of the SIL and my MIL's choices and pointed to my BIL (he has some unresolved issues etc.). I was very validating and stepped away as not to cause any arguments.

The sad thing here is that my BIL's outbursts that I'm aware of is directly related to our MIL. My Wife and SIL overshares with their mother. The MIL reacts to all this sharing and then they all band together in some way against the outsiders. My MIL constantly attack others on Social media as well. The BIL and I have always been under constant criticism.

The BIL, I and FIL are the outsiders of our MIL's family unit(daughters and grandchildren). This also drips into our family and I become the outsider with my own daughters and wives. I find myself on the outside of this bubble and I'm sure it's the same for my BIL and FIL. It is always about the MIL.

The more you push against this bubble the bigger it gets. I think this is happening with my BIL again now. My FIL has dementia(beginning) and MIL is making it all about herself. The daughters are drawn in again.

I'm going to take it one step further. My SIL openly admitted to me that she sided with her mom against her husband in the past. Sometimes we very easily only blame the MIL but then we miss our wives jockeying for their mother's attention and then the husbands get pushed to the outside again and we try to get back in again...

My BIL's behaviour is probably just him jockeying back into the triangle again and my SIL is just moving to a different form of abuse from her mom.

I felt gutted when I heard about my SIL considering splitting with her husband. It brought up a lot of past hurts and made me wonder about my own marriage. I'll probably always be the outsider in this dynamic. Things are calm but then I can feel this undertone stress in my stomach when I was at soccer training. I lost my appetite for this triangulation, but not sure if I can really step away from it.

I'm just sharing.

[Harri]

Hi Teno.  that is some pretty complicated and entrenched behavior you are observing in your in-law family.

It is difficult to stay out of it for sure but it sounds like you are at least for the most part? 

I'm going to take it one step further. My SIL openly admitted to me that she sided with her mom against her husband in the past. Sometimes we very easily only blame the MIL but then we miss our wives jockeying for their mother's attention and then the husbands get pushed to the outside again and we try to get back in again...

It is good that you can see this.  I don't think it is something I would share with the others though.  If you think of the family unit as a system where all parts are connected it makes sense that when one person acts, everyone is affected and will move to keep the system stable.  If MIL gets out of calibration the whole system is out too so everyone will act to calibrate/stabilize MIL.

It is frustrating as all get out.  I am not sure how to keep out of the drama triangle other than to keep quiet and be careful of what you say and being sure not to validate the invalid especially given that you are in contact with all of them. 

How old are your children who are involved in the whole dynamic?

[Teno]

Thanks for replying and your time Harri.

It is frustrating as all get out.  I am not sure how to keep out of the drama triangle other than to keep quiet and be careful of what you say and being sure not to validate the invalid especially given that you are in contact with all of them.

There are 3 sisters and the oldest lives very close to their mom. She has always defended her mom's abuse and drinking. The mother is High functioning and never abused the oldest sister's husband. The middle sister and husband eventually moved away after living in the same town for 2 years . We also moved away further to lesson our contact and for some job opportunities. We as husbands are both in NC with our MIL, oldest sister and her H. I get along well with one SIL and husband.

At one point the two sisters had a big fight with the oldest sister and mother when they defended their families.

Us going NC and with our wives and kids still being in full contact(most days) is causing underlying stress. We became the outsiders in this triangle with the MIL family unit. There are not much understanding or support for husbands in this dynamic. It was especially hard in the early days when the daughters sided with their mom or defended her behaviours. This dynamic is still happening to a lessor degree. There is always some drama going on.

I reduced the family stress by going NC, stopping/trying controlling and taking responsibility for other peoples behaviours. Stop being in competition with MIL and wive over children. Just going NC was a fight. It took a lot of work to get over the anger. I'm just working on self differentiation and boundaries now.

A while back I was considering going to a family event, but I found myself thinking how I'm going to defend myself or even getting them back. No, not a good idea and never went.

"being sure not to validate the invalid" This is a hard to catch at the time. Although I'm NC, I'll never really get away. Self differentiation seems the best option. I'm happy to say our house is calm at the and I'm working at keeping it that way.

How old are your children who are involved in the whole dynamic?

D7, D9. Oldest SIL - S17 and D20(with anxiety disorder), SIL - S6, S9.