About to go on vacation but lots of devaluing going on

[WitzEndWife]

uBPDh has been devaluing me a LOT recently. For the past month or so, he's been pretty nitpicky, and when I ask him to do something out of consideration for me, he bristles and fights back, claiming I'm "controlling" him. For example, I asked that he not stay out really late working last night because I had to give a phone presentation to a client in Dubai at 5:00 the following morning. He railed against me, saying my sleep wasn't his responsibility, and that I was trying to prevent him from making money.

I'm concerned going into this road trip that he'll be difficult. He's been calling me a "stick in the mud" when I don't want to do what he wants to do. He says I'm no fun anymore.

I don't know where this is coming from, or if this is just a natural progression of BPD relationships. It seems like every cycle of devaluation gets worse, and every cycle of valuation gets less potent. Is he detaching from me? Is this a protective measure because he sees that I'm detaching? I don't know the answer to that.

I want to make this vacation pleasant and easy on myself - any suggestions on how I can tolerate the nitpicking when I cannot get away from it (i.e. in the car)?

[Cat Familiar]

I’m assuming that he would have awakened you had he worked late (Uber?) and that’s why you requested he not do that?

How can you not be triggered by those types of comments when he doesn’t get his way?

Are you detaching? And if you are, wouldn’t he notice?

[WitzEndWife]

I am detaching, and he is noticing that. He goes between trying to control me and devaluing me.

As for the request I gave him, yes, he wakes me up every time he comes home late. I hear the "beeps" of the garage and back door opening and that's enough to wake me, but then he is not a softshoe-ing person. He clomps around and then gets into bed and has to read things on his phone and laugh, shaking the bed. Then, he has to try to put an arm around me, which usually infuriates me because I'm already hot as it is. Anyway, it's not like I request this often. He has the option to make even more money on weekdays by getting up early as well, but lately he hasn't been doing that. What's interesting is, when he's in devaluation/Mr. Hyde mode, he tends to stay up late and laze around most of the day. When he's in Dr. Jekyll mode, he is calmer and more productive. He gets up early and gets work out of the way, then comes home and takes care of the dogs and house, and then goes on a bike ride or works on his car. This is when he's nice to me, for the most part.

I guess I can try to just validate as much as I can on the trip and remember that it's just emotional vomit. However, if he really lays into me about something, it'll be hard not to JADE after a time. Maybe I can pretend to need to use the restroom or something so we can get a break.

[PeteWitsend]

...
As for the request I gave him, yes, he wakes me up every time he comes home late. I hear the "beeps" of the garage and back door opening and that's enough to wake me, but then he is not a softshoe-ing person. He clomps around and then gets into bed and has to read things on his phone and laugh, shaking the bed. Then, he has to try to put an arm around me, which usually infuriates me because I'm already hot as it is. ...
...

Why are they so inconsiderate like that?  My XW would always make extra noise, turn lights on, go on her phone in bed, etc. when I was sleeping.

or if I asked to sleep in, she would be angry with me when I eventually got up.

I got the sense it was due to  resentment; she couldn't stand to see me relaxing/sleeping unless she was doing the same.  and no amount of reasoning worked... I could point out that I was up late with the kids or had to get up early, and she'd find some way to try to invalidate my statement.

[WitzEndWife]

PeteWitsend - Yeah, I don't get it. Maybe it's a twisted attention thing. I guess me shooting straight up in bed and telling him to "Knock it the _ off, I'm trying to sleep!" is better than me being blissful in dreamland, ignoring him.

I don't know what the deal is with BPDs and sleep. They want to be able to sleep whenever they want to sleep, but when we need some shuteye, they are as disrespectful as possible.

[formflier]

I want to make this vacation pleasant and easy on myself - any suggestions on how I can tolerate the nitpicking when I cannot get away from it (i.e. in the car)?

Stop the car, take the keys and go for a walk.  Let him know when he can be kind you will continue the trip.

If he won't be kind he can rent a car and you go your separate ways.

Seriously...

The first couple times I did this my kids were amazed...wife was amazed...flipped out...did it all.

However..I can't remember the last time I have been harangued about something in the car.

From memory...several years ago I pulled over, looked my wife in the eyes and said "I want to go on a date with you and have a nice time.  If that's not what you want I can take you back home right now. (this is after a history of consistently holding my boundary)...well...she sighed...said fine lets go on a date. (and dropped whatever she was haranguing me about.)

Switching gears...I would have advised you praised him for making money and remind him about your early presentation...ask him for quiet.  

In your version you were asking for his action...in my suggested version you are asking for his consideration.  Can you see how he kinda has a point to his "comeback"?

Best,

FF