Son having to move out of his place

[Lollypop]

Hi

Son28 got given notice 8 days ago that he has to move out by 31st May. The house he lives in has been sold. Son told me last Thursday. He was calm, confident and said everything was changing. He’s parted from his latest gf and she seemed to get through to him that he’s not really living a life as he spends all his spare time fxxxked up. He says he was cleaning up and hadn’t smoked for 2 days. He said he would need our emotional support once he knew what he was going to do about his living arrangements.

We saw each other Saturday for a coffee. He bought it and I noticed two strips of white tablets in his wallet. I said nothing.

Son came yesterday to eat with us and I gently brought up the subject. Apparently, he’s forming a better plan about what he’s going to do but wouldn’t elaborate. I think he may seriously consider a tent - don’t know for sure obviously.

I’m going to have to lash myself down! He has 11 days. And appears to be doing nothing at all.

Yikes. Sigh. Crikey. It’s not my problem, up and down I go.

LP

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Oh wow Lollypop
You sound just like me a couple of months ago when my son was getting thrown out of his apartment. It really IS nerve wracking. The next 10 days or so are going to be interesting to say the least. I think you are wise to detach. How do you plan to do that?

[1hope]

How are you doing, Lollypop?  It’s so hard to sit back and wait, even when you know that they need to solve the problem! What are you doing for yourself to manage your feelings?
1hope

[livednlearned]

Oof, LP. Lash yourself down here with friends! We will make the place comfortable for you as this transition unfolds for S28.

Do you have specific concerns about how things will play out for you? For him?

[Lollypop]

Hi

Thanks so much for replying.

Son came around this evening unannounced and I expected him to open up with his concerns or an issue about him moving out. No such luck, I ventured and got the reply “I haven’t got the headspace for that right now”. Oh, ok I said.

I asked about his landlady and he told me she was stressed out and she didn’t want to leave.

So. Husband has said “he’s going to have to come back here isn’t he. We can’t see him on the street”. I’ve said “I don’t want him back, he’ll have to find a friend to put him up”. It seems that’s where we are at.  Not leaping anywhere, we watch with quiet fears.

I will not research places for him.
I will not take control.
I will not offer him a bed here, albeit a temporary one.

That’s my promise today.

As far as my own stuff, I have soo much going on right now and can’t think myself, never mind deal with his problems.

I would be prepared to have him back IF he has found a place and has his arrangements in order. Do I say this?  I feel I shouldn’t. I should let things pan out. I predict he’ll be in a panic this time next week and throw a wobbler.

LP

[wendydarling]

Hi LP 

Wow, the day has come, it's been a coming, he's known for a long time he was moving on. DS has a plan...

I think he may seriously consider a tent - don’t know for sure obviously.

Saturday evening my DD said she wanted to live in the woods for 6 months, or by the sea, with nature, calm. I'll send her to yours 

This is a huge step for your son and I hope your DS is successful and happy with his choice, knowing he has your love and emotional support will mean everything to him him LP.

As LnL recently said she's learnt to sit on her hands 

Let's all sit. 

WDx 

[Lollypop]

Hi

I closed off here and went straight to rightmove!

I called him and fortunately he didn’t answer.

I’m sat on my hands. Husband says he’ll get to the last day without doing anything. Blinkers down.

Your daughter is opening her mind to the idea of changing her life in one big swift move, albeit a temporary one. Not a red flag, just an exploration of some desirous alternatives. No need to order the log cabin and get it delivered to that sea view yet!  If you do, maybe you should move into it instead!

Let’s watch

LP

[wendydarling]

Watching   It is a fine balance, whatever he'll learn. It's his second move since home. 

He's doing his best, with blinkers on.

Would you be disappointed if he camped this summer …… no access to your shower though.

WDx

[livednlearned]

I would let him get to that moment when he is dealing with reality, LP.

My bio child, S17, is on the spectrum and he also deals with things as they occur, no matter how much pain he knows his inaction will cause. He has to experience the suffering directly, there is no way around it. This is how he learns.

I ask questions, that's how I compromise. I allow myself a few tops and am learning to lose the phrase, "Are you sure?"

I'm learning, "You know I'm here if you want to talk out loud, bounce your plans off me."

He has an external locus of control, he's in the moment. I have an internal locus of control, I'm in the future.

Deep breath, you got this 

[PeaceMom]

This is very informative to us newbies as we can watch and learn from you as you sit in discomfort. I’m cheering you on and sending strength thru this blog. My therapist used to tell me I was punching waves in a riptide instead of calmly rolling onto my back and swimming parallel to the shore until I got out of the riptide and calmly got to shore. I’m a visual learner! Someone here also mentioned hopping out of the way when a huge challenging snowball starts rolling toward our loved one.
Be true to you, LP

[Elizabeth22]

Hi Lollypop

This is always a hard one for me - To help or not
Then I read something Dr. Phil (of all people) said, and to paraphrase:

When we step in and do something for our adult children that they can  do themselves, we are teaching them we don't think they can do it themselves, that we don't have that faith in them or we don't think they are capable.

That helped me.

Thinking about you, sending you good thoughts 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi

So I’m reflecting. I post because I can see trouble ahead. I want to step in to help and say I won’t. I immediately leave the forum and start the first steps of fixing. I looked for a flat for him and I know within 5 minutes I could easily have jumped mentally to him sitting on a sofa (that I’d paid for) and being really happy. no no no!

Your validation is fantastic. I feel that I’m not in my own and of course you’re all making entire sense. But each of us seeks a little arrow that hits us directly.

I sit on my hands. But I know how quickly and easily I can flip.

Then I read this:

I would let him get to that moment when he is dealing with reality, LP.

In a nutshell. I have to sit on my hands and watch.

Quite what I do when he faces his reality is not yet known.

Thanks everybody. I’m so overloaded at the moment I can’t mention you individually but I know you understand.

Son came Sunday to eat. Monday he came to use his dads phone (?) and he text me late last night recommending a film. He’s reaching out...

Let’s see what happens today!

LP


I’m a visual learner too.  Riding on top of the wave. Please let me stay upright!

[FaithHopeLove]

 I am cheering for you Lollypop
Speaking of visuals, I see you sitting on your hands on a chair in the middle of an arena while the rest of us shout from the stands "SIT ON YOUR HANDS. SIT ON YOUR HANDS." Let's see what today brings. Hugs 

[Lollypop]

Today...all quiet.

[Swimmy55]

Your strength is giving me strength about my son as well.  Thank you for reminding me that no action is an action , too. 

[Lollypop]

Absolutely swimmy. Today, I’m ok. I hope you are too.

[Lollypop]

Hi

Reality or manipulation? Who on earth knows.

Current situation. Son starts to pack his stuff this weekend on his own. He’s making appts to see some rooms and a flat. He will store his stuff at our storage unit. He moves back home temporarily...while he gives up weed and...goes on holiday for a week.

Seriously, I’m not sure what to say. Are we weak?  Truth be told we see that he’s never been in such a positive position. He’s earning good money, saying he has already cut 95% down. He currently isn’t sleeping and is stressed, he asks for a little breathing space to get himself together while he actively seeks a place to live. He’s trying too much too soon. But hey, progress isn’t linear.

That’s it folks.

LP

[Lollypop]

Hi again

H and I are disagreeing. Younger son quite angry.  Yes, he’s absolutely right. We need to re-think. I do not want him back, but prepared to see how the next few days pans out.

LP

[livednlearned]

Is he going on holiday for a week as part of something already planned?

[Lollypop]

Hi LnL

No. This is son28 thinking:

I want to get clean. I have to get clean.
I can’t sleep. I have to sleep.
I must get away to rest and sleep.
I need money to get away.
All I need is 1 week.
I have to find somewhere to live.
I will look at places but I can’t deal with officials.
They will judge how I look. I need a private landlord.
I’m scared of the financial commitment.
I will go into a room for now.
I can live there temporarily until I can do the flat thing.
I need help.

This is son18:

He left. He came back.
He left. He came back. He left.
You said never again.
He came back. You said never again.
He left...
This is not fair on you both.

Husband says to son28
I won’t see you on the street.

To son18
What else can we do?
Son18 shrugged and walked away.

I’m annoyed. I’m tired. Things were already restless with son18 potentially leaving in Oct for Uni.  HES IN THE MIDDLE OF HIS EXAMS.

I think son28 should move onto  the boat for 2 weeks while he sorts out his head. It’s adequate for a temporary situation.

I was firm to son that he could return only temporarily. I said “we are all getting on so we’ll now. We’ve worked hard on that. I don’t want that to change. You must live away from us.”

“There’s a nice studio flat locally that I saw”.

This is the advice I gave son28. Instead of looking at how you push towards your next step trying to get through your resistance why not try another way?  Look at your end goal. I suggest youre better in a 1 bed flat living locally, rather than a room share but if that’s what you can afford then that will do. Focus on the end goal and then work backwards, we’ll support you and assist as you do it. Find some rooms to look at this weekend. Here’s a great 1 bed flat just come up in town. Book an appt. I’ll come with you to see that flat as it may help in how you’re received. Start sorting out your stuff this weekend.”

Son28 seemed relieved.

I guess we put the offer out and that’s a caring supportive thing to do. It requires some expectations of him. I don’t want him to return here. And certainly not without him at least trying to get his life in order. I guess this is a little test.

But to be perfectly honest. I’m struggling beyween the line of enabling and supporting. Particularly because we have a stronger relationship. I try to protect it. He values it. Is he lying though? Is he manipulating? Yes, highly likely.

That’s my thoughts.  Help!

LP

[Lollypop]

Son28 wants to run.  He’s convinced himself he can’t do this. He feels that he needs to be stronger. His lack of sleep is an issue.

By the way. He saw the nice studio flat locally not me. So he’s been looking and is having a massive wobble.

I didn’t tell my husband to sit on his hands. I forgot to sit on mine.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi LP
Just checking in early in the AM. I know it is hard to sit on your hands and ask your husband to do likewise. Has your son moved his stuff into storage yet? Is he sleeping on the boat? My prayers are with you and your family.

[livednlearned]

The boat is different than him coming back to live with you?

It seems like a reasonable compromise.

Is S18 ok with his brother living on the boat, or is his concern more about S28 moving home.

[Swimmy55]

I actually see positive here.
1. He is going to go on the boat rather than coming to your house straight away.  That is 1 -2 weeks he is not in your home. 
2. He looked at the one bedroom.  Again , that is something. 
3. You told him your boundaries- that the whole family is doing so well with him not living in your house. 
4. He has a job.
5.  You have stated you and your husband would be willing to have him move back temporarily if all else fails.  Can you flesh that out a bit- what is temporary to you? One month? Three?  You and your family have to have a firm agreement about the time and if possible, write up a contract for you all to sign.  And you and your husband have to stick with the timeline and boundaries that are in the contract.  Like what happens if he is still there past the timeline?
Does the thought of him moving back home make you ill?  That has to be taken into account as well.   The best for everyone , not just the BPD son .  No best for him at the expense of the rest of the family.  Very hard to do, I know.  Keep us posted-your struggle is ours as well.

[Lollypop]

Hi

s S18 ok with his brother living on the boat, or is his concern more about S28 moving home.

There’s two things he has an issue with. Son18 having to share some personal space, particularly the bathroom and eating of the “nice” things in the cupboards. Plus the fact that son28 keeps on asking/needing for help. Son18 is very tired.

what is temporary to you?

1 month. We’ve a pattern of giving 4 weeks and it takes him 7. We are going on holiday 28 June and I do not want son28 in our house then. Son18 will be there on his own. He deserves that space to himself and will help prepare him for independent living.

No best for him at the expense of the rest of the family.  Very hard to do, I know..

Exactly, we are starting to really worry about money. Son18 needs financial help on September and the financial outlay never seems to end. We have plans ourselves and rarely do anything for ourselves - we go go out for meals etc...but it’s not balanced enough our way,

Let’s see what the next few days bring us. Tonight I’ll speak to son18

Thanks everybody

LP

[jones54]

Hi LP,
I understand your struggle. For me, the hardest thing was letting go and having my now 34DD take care of herself. It is going on 2 years now when we finally said she had to take care of herself. A lot of it was that she was actively using heroin.
I myself am similar to you in that I worry that she will not be alright and for her entire life I would involve myself. It was more an enabling thing for me since if I knew she was ok, I was ok. This was a detriment to her growing up. Yes, she is not the same as others just as your son but the bottom line is that if they are capable we should step aside (no matter how much that bothers us). If my DD asked for assistance to find housing, I would be happy to give my opinion but it really is up to her. The hardest thing has been that instead of my daughter seeing that she needs to take care of herself is that she interprets it as that her mother and I have abandoned her. That is such a fine line.
All I can say is that I am sure you are a wonderful mother and gone above and beyond for your son.  Your other son is just like my DD's brother. He feels that it is high time to let her take care of herself and has said this for years. He is 30. Her mother and I do not have much of a relationship with our DD at this point. We have had some small communication with her. While I wish that I had more of a connection with her I have finally realized I cannot control her thought process. All I can do is be here if she wants to have a relationship. My want of a "normal" relationship with my daughter is what put my life in turmoil (mentally) for years. Accepting that she needs to take care of herself and that I have no control over how she feels has given me peace for the first time in my life.
Also, I would never allow her to live under the same roof with me at this point, so do not feel guilty. We all deserve our own peaceful life.

[Only Human]

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