Debating making contact again even though I know it is probably a bad idea

[clvrnn]

  I don't really know why I'm making this post, I suppose I am feeling desperate/lost.

I've been in a period of NC for around a month, now. I last contacted my ex with an email that I'd sent, talking about how it would be nice to try and sort things out and expressing that I understood her need for distance when things became overwhelming, as well as other things. There was no response.

Myself and this person had not been dating very long, around six months. We've known each other for a year and a half, as we attend university together. There's always been 'chemistry' between us and we started dating after a while of flirting.

She has ended things twice; the first time because I hadn't responded to a text message and she became convinced I was lying to her, and said she didn't trust me. She told me in no uncertain terms that it was over, and I was very upset. There was then a period of silence where she didn't respond to me, and came into university and avoided me. We ended up drifting back together as we were put in the same university group project, and she went back to idealising me, contacting me at all hours, spending time with me etc.

We then carried on dating until at the beginning of March she exploded with anger at me during a visit to her family's house because she perceived my mood to be "bad" and accused me of disrespecting her and her family, and raged at me in front of everyone, then kicked me out of the sister's house - despite me not actually doing anything to warrant such a thing. She then broke up with me via message about an hour later.

After that, we had some intermittent contact where she wanted us to be friends, but I was unable to as I found it difficult emotionally. I tried to approach her about this and we argued, and she blocked me. The next morning she unblocked me and said we could "start again and forget about all this" and that was the last thing she ever said to me. She avoided me in class, and I sent a handful of messages that she also ignored.

I then left it for around two weeks and tried again. I wouldn't have done this but as with the first break up, a break in contact then contact seemed to 'work' in getting her to re engage with me. She didn't respond.

I then left it another three weeks, and sent a very polite email which wasn't blaming her or angry or pleading or anything, saying that I'd like it if we could be friends, and that I valued her as a person etc. No response. I haven't made contact now for just over a month.

I find that I don't feel any different, my feelings are as intense as ever, while I have no idea even what she is doing or how she feels. It's very possible she doesn't think about me and has moved on, and I understand that can happen. I had told myself that I would never make contact again as there are too many things at stake.

I don't want to annoy anyone, or to be labelled as a crazy ex or someone that can't move on, I don't want to be ignored again, I don't want to be insulted (which she can do) - I also feel good for making it this long without contact, as I think she expects me to make contact and also really it is showing her that the consequences of her actions are that I am no longer around. I feel like if I make contact again it will just sour her opinion of me if isn't soured already.

 I feel like I don't know if her feelings and sentiments were genuine - she'd always tell me I was the first person to make her laugh in years, that she didn't connect with anyone like she did with me, etc. I know about idealisation and devaluation and she did both of those, to extremes. I suppose I might be stuck in idealisation.

I just feel like my feelings aren't going away and I've tried a lot of things. Maybe the answer is to try again? I don't know. I really don't.

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[livednlearned]

Hi clvrnn,

You developed intense feelings for her and in return the relationship was rocky, a push/pull that subverted positive feelings and made them equally intense in the other direction. It's hard.

Do you feel she is trying to return to baseline by creating distance?

It takes a long of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. Have you found ways to take care of yourself so you can build strength in the event the relationship were to start up again?

[clvrnn]

You developed intense feelings for her and in return the relationship was rocky, a push/pull that subverted positive feelings and made them equally intense in the other direction. It's hard.

Yes, it was very rocky. Every time we got close or it looked like things would progress, she would sabotage things with those arguments/rages.

Do you feel she is trying to return to baseline by creating distance?

Maybe. The last time I saw her she was avoiding me, and in the time I've known her she has done this before (before we were dating). She told me she often avoids things when they're overwhelming, so it's either that or she just doesn't like me at all anymore. I don't know.

It takes a long of strength to not be emotionally injured in a BPD relationship. Have you found ways to take care of yourself so you can build strength in the event the relationship were to start up again?

I'll be honest, I haven't. I am still the same person. I haven't developed enough strength to re-enter that situation, no. If she were to do all of this again, I don't know how I would manage things. Her methods are particularly rough - she just disappears, blocks me, ignores me. She often becomes very hostile during these break ups, and that hurts a lot. I don't know. I feel very conflicted and I think a lot of the time I forget what BPD is about, and think she'll change.

[livednlearned]

I feel very conflicted and I think a lot of the time I forget what BPD is about, and think she'll change.

When we lose sight of the mental illness is when we are most hurt ...

Intimacy (genuine intimacy) requires vulnerability because it exposes our true selves. Even if you have a strong sense of self intimacy can provoke anxiety (what if my true self is rejected, not good enough, etc.).

For someone with a weak sense of self and intense emotions, intimacy can be terrifying.

Distance and anger help create distance so that the anxiety and fears are not overwhelming.

To be in a BPD relationship is to acknowledge this so that you are not repeatedly harmed when she sorts herself out. That's why so much is written about setting limits and self care.

Self care has to be rooted in your values, what is important to you, what you are willing to tolerate in exchange for connecting deeply with someone.

[clvrnn]

For someone with a weak sense of self and intense emotions, intimacy can be terrifying.

Distance and anger help create distance so that the anxiety and fears are not overwhelming.

This is what I initially assumed to be the case, as nothing was making sense; she has repeatedly pulled away from me during the time I've known her. But now it's just gone on for so long that I feel as if this is permanent, and to be honest I am not coping very well at all.

I feel desperate to talk to her a lot of the time, and I feel lost. These feelings don't seem to be going away, and the only thing that feels as if it would relieve me would be her, which is ridiculous. I feel as if I have gone crazy.

[Sandb2015]

clvrnn,

Please understand that you are not alone in these feelings, many here and the world have experienced the same and ARE experiencing the same.

You felt separated and sure of what's coming next, the confidence to move ahead without her and then blindsided with this overwhelming urge to justify reaching out.

You miss her, you miss everything you felt that was great about being with her, it satisfied and stimulated parts of your brain for maybe the first time.

You are human, you're feelings and emotions are real to you, accept them, don't think of them as right or wrong.

Your struggle is so unique to you but not to us.

The attachment is not healthy and you know that.

The rationalizing, that it's just this or that and I can tolerate it, I can do something. It's creating a circle and it has to stop sometime.

clvrnn,

I don't mean to sway you because I know better, I'm going to start my first thread on the "Detaching from a Failed Relationship" area of the board today...extremely difficult thing because I'll be putting into words my experience up until today and I'd like you to read it as well as anyone that feels kinda stuck.