Its been more than a year

[Smileypants]

Well it's been a long time since I've posted.  Life is busy :-)

It has been more than a year since my abusive ex husband (w/BPD & Bi-Polar) moved out (the day I filed for divorce) and more than 6 months since the divorce was finalized.  It has been a more than a year since I have seen or spoken to him. 

Life is so different now.  I couldn't imagine living like that ever again.  I love being independent.  I love being able to focus on me and my children.  My children and I are happy.  My finances are balanced.  I am working on improving my credit score.  I am even thinking about going back to school in a few years.  I get to hang out with my friends.  I get to spend as much time as I want to at family functions.  I get to watch shows that I want to watch.  I don't ever have to watch another horror film in my life.  I don't have to deal with being pressured into doing things I don't want to do.   

The trauma is still surfacing though.

The kids still have nightmares about him coming back or something bad happening to me.  I do too.  The two youngest won't go to sleep unless I am there.  3yr old has night terrors sometimes.  My oldest still wants me to lock the screen door every night in addition to the regular door.  I get anxious every time I hear a loud car drive by, or see a car that looks like his.  I am scared that he will show up or that he will decide to setup his supervised parenting time.  I am scared to have my children interact with him and I am scared to have to interact with him too.  I hope he stays away.

Whenever he is in my dreams, I can't see him...I can only hear him.  I am always trying to hide from him, trying to get away.

I don't want to feel afraid.  I am still scared of him trying to hurt us/me.  How do I get this feeling to go away?

I even feel anxious even posting and talking about it...it's taking me forever to hit the post button.  I never felt scared about posting before. Weird.  I also don't talk about this or him very much anymore.  Maybe that's why.  Maybe typing it makes it come back and feelings, bad feelings surface.   I'm just going to leave it at that right now otherwise I am never going to get to sleep.  I need to be bright eyed and bushy tailed to get the kids up and off to school in the early am.  Goodnight all.  Thanks for listening.

[Turkish]

You wrote this back in September.

he will only get supervised visitation but will first have to respond to the court.  Also he will have to go to therapy, medical treatment, parenting classes and anger management.  My lawyer has already entered the default affidavit.

I assume that he hasn't done any of that,  yes?  Though you and the kids are safe?

It's sad that you and the kids are still traumatized. Our son had some night terrors (he was later diagnosed with ASD1) when his mom and I were together with minimal trauma.  I can't imagine how it must be to deal with that given real trauma,  though kids are resilient.

I'm glad you decided to post again. What are your bad feelings? 

[Smileypants]

Unfortunately all those requirements didn't come back in the foc recommendation. (I think they are just if he wants to get out of supervised visitation. Just supervised visitation at his sister's is in the order.  Now I trust his sister and she has regular contact with us.  He hasn't spoken with her in over a year.
But I do know he knows about the order and child support. From a family friend.  I also found out that he has been with new partner(victim) for more than a year now.  Which is funny cause he was always accusing me of cheating.  But it's like his first ex wife told me after I first filed, he's probably had someone on the side for at least a year.  Soon he's going to want to show off to her what this great dad he is and prove how horrible I am and how "I stole his kids away from him".  That is how he acted about his kids & previous ex wife.

I just don't want any of his drama and bs in my life.  I don't want him toying with my kids the way he did with my step kids (his kids from the previous marriage).

It makes me feel physically sick to my stomach thinking about it.  I am scared of anything happening to me.  I am planning on writing my will asap just in case.  And I tell myself that I at least need to make until my youngest is 18.  Is that messed up to think?  Just in the back of my mind is him telling me about the guy he knows "that will kill someone and make it look like an accident & they'll take payments".  I know it was probably just a threat, a way to scare me but it has always been in the back of my mind.  I did tell all my friends, co workers and family about that so if anything happens to me they know where to go. Just in case.

[I Am Redeemed]

I'm so sorry, smiley. I can really empathize with you because I am in a similar situation myself.

I have been NC since October, left him in November of 2017, and plan to file divorce next month. The idea of having to deal with him regarding visitation makes my stomach turn, even though I am pretty sure it will be supervised due to his extensive dv history.

Do you have any support from local dv services? I am in trauma focused therapy provided by my dv office, and it has really helped me with the fear and CPTSD symptoms I have.

[Smileypants]

Thank you for your support Redeemed.  I feel for you too. 

I worry because I have watched him use kids as weapons before and I don't want my kids used like that, toyed with so he can feel better about himself.  I just hope he stays away.

I was working with a non resident advocate at Women's Shelter in my city prior and through filing for divorce.  I was also seeing a counselor there.  Since then I have found it hard to make time for it.  It has been a lot of work to restructure finances and the household to our new normal. 

I do need go back but I have also been trying to get my health under control.  12 years with him really took a toll on me...I feel like I was physically hit by a truck.  my body aches. my mind stresses and worries. Sleep is an issue.  But I push through.  I go to work, get the kids to where they need to go, we do family things.  watch movies, play video games, order pizza, go to the park.  I am genuinely happy.  I just am having a hard time recovering physically and mentally from being under constant stress for so long.  I still have a hard time justifying anything for me. Self care is hard sometimes.  I still have to convince myself that I am worth it.  even writing here...I think I should really be doing laundry or washing dishes, running errands something that achieving a goal on the never ending list that I expect myself to complete.  I can't just relax... and it sucks.  I will get better, I will feel better, I need to make time for me.  I guess that's my method.  I pep talk myself or stew in my head, aloud, or typing I guess, until I figure out my plan for moving forward.  then I do.
 
I am going to call and make an appointment with the counselor today   and maybe take a nap.

[I Am Redeemed]

I am going to call and make an appointment with the counselor today   and maybe take a nap.

Sounds like a great idea!

I know exactly what you mean about feeling like there are ten thousand other things I "should" be doing. But there has to be time for self care (and I am still not very good at it, though I am getting better).

I found that these feelings carried over from the abusive relationship, where I was always expected to be doing something- taking care of kids (I have six), laundry, cleaning house, working, doing dishes, making appointments, etc. and if there was any time that I wasn't busy getting something done, or if I wasn't able to keep everything perfect and checked off the list all the time, then I was told I was being lazy and just did not care. It used to tick me off so bad, and now there is the nagging inner critic that keeps the narrative of "you're being lazy, you need to be doing something productive" going in my head. It comes down to the negative core belief of "I'm not good enough" which is easily fed by emotional abuse.

I am on a break from counseling, because my counselor finished her internship at the DV office and is moving to her permanent place of employment. I will start EMDR with her again in July, but in the meantime, I notice a change in my emotional and mental state without the weekly support. Depression and anxiety have increased, for sure.

Sometimes it's ok to stop and take a break, when you have your plate that full. Five kids is a lot, especially being a single mom. Much respect goes out to you

[AnuDay]

I can relate.  The trauma is real and it takes a toll on everyone.  Every year you will get better.  It takes time.  You just have to try to focus on you and your children.  My one daughter has nightmares and she probably always will.  But they are less and less frequent now.  The stronger she gets and the more she builds up her self-esteem, the better she will get.  I have another daughter who is totally unphased by the mental games and the non-sense.  Take your kids out to meet other kids and meet other parents (healthy ones).  They will get stronger.  You have to get stronger first though.  Have an emergency plan in place, teach your kids how to dial 911, I have had to do all of these things.  I have a legitimate fear for my life, but I try not to let it consume me.  I also have a lot of security provisions in place. You have to do what you have to do to maintain a safe environment for you and your children.