NC with mom for 2 months, husband feels it should be permanent . Feel conflicted

[Imatter33]

Some background.

My mother has exhibited BPD symptoms for a long time, and I have been trying to "fill the emptiness in her, and am the poster child for SPONGING. I have had the hardest time asserting my needs and setting boundaries.  I also think my oldest brother has BPD traits, and so he has responded to my NC badly so far.

So after 32 years of being this person that walks on eggshells, I went NC after a text fight.

I just had a baby three months ago. My mom was over (the day before NC)  and we had a pretty good time, she was in the moment with the baby, loving on me and  doing things around the house for me.
As she's leaving she mentions she may be going out of town the next day.
( I thought it odd she mention it as she's leaving, as my mom does not have a car)

Next morning bright and early she asks to borrow money, and lays out the plan of how she will pay me back, and that she needs to know right away so she can rent a car.
My mom is very impulsive with money and makes almost no money to live on. Renting a car for a trip was something I was not ok with, but I didnt say that. I knew why she wanted to go though so, I told her I needed 24 hours to think about it, and discuss with my husband. She pressured me for a response immediately so I said no. She then  tells me that my true colors came out, I do not love or support her. That I lie and so it goes. Even though it was thru text i felt disrespected and yelled at.
I said that I did love her but I made the boundary of needing her to give me that 24 hours. NC after that.

I think where Im struggling is that I am so used to being my moms support that im missing the dysfunction bc its the only relationship i have.  And shes missing precious time with her granddaughter.
Also, maybe other members can share here?
Im comparing BP behaviors on this board and thinking...my mom isnt that bad?
But she has all the traits, and Im conditioned to thinking no big deal?

Now to my main point:


In reading the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" I had the thought last night ..A relationship with my mom is possible but will take SO MUCH WORK.

I shared with my husband and his response was,
I don't want her in your life.

There is so much more that came out after that, but in a nutshell.
He wants to protect me, our daughter, himself.

If he is so against me having a relationship...why am I even trying to work on it.

Im just lonely for my dysfunctional family and that makes me feel so sad.

I do love the peace I can feel with her gone, but I feel the fear of blow ups and confrontations from all sides constantly.

I dont even know what im looking for in posting, but I think I just needed to feel the connection from the countless others here.

[zachira]

You are describing many of the challenges in your relationship with your mother with BPD and how sad and painful it is which is something those of us with a mother with BPD can certainly understand even though our circumstances may be somewhat different. I have a mother with BPD. The most important thing to know is that there are no easy answers whether deciding to go no contact or not, and going no contact does not have to be forever, can be adjusted according to the present circumstances. No matter what you decide, I would recommend you at least go low contact with your mother if not fully no contact. I have been unable to go no contact with my own mother for many reasons including she is actually nice to me at times and it would hurt too much to do so. Going no contact with my mother would mean not having any contact with any of my family members or family friends.
Your husband is rightfully concerned about having your mother around your child. Many people with a mother with BPD do not allow their mother to be alone and unsupervised with their children because of how the erratic behaviors of a grandmother with BPD can traumatize children, including adversely affect the child-parent relationship because people with BPD often malign parents and try to get the children to be on their side.
We are here to support and listen to you. Keep us posted on how you are doing. You can post as often as you like, and there is no limit on the length of posts. We will respond.

[Panda39]

Hi Imatter33,

Love your name...yes you do matter!  

I get where your husband is coming from...he is being protective of you and your new baby.  He clearly cares about you and is a "keeper"    But there are dynamics tied to being raised by a BPD Parent that he may not fully understand. He may find it a lot easier to set boundaries than you do for example.  People with BPD are excellent boundary busters and you could have been raised to have weak boundaries when it comes to your mom's needs/wants/demands so setting boundaries (particularly related to your mom) may be more difficult for you than it is for your husband.  For him the key will be to support you and be patient as you work on negotiating all this stuff.  He sounds like the kind of guy that is up for it.

I'm hearing FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or Emotional Blackmail in your post too. Whenever you feel pressured FOG is usually the culprit.
 

My mom is very impulsive with money and makes almost no money to live on. Renting a car for a trip was something I was not ok with, but I didnt say that. I knew why she wanted to go though so, I told her I needed 24 hours to think about it, and discuss with my husband. She pressured me for a response immediately so I said no. She then  tells me that my true colors came out, I do not love or support her (Guilt/Obligation). That I lie (Fear that this will be believed) and so it goes. Even though it was thru text i felt disrespected and yelled at

First of all love your "give me 24 hours to think about it" really smart idea so you can step away and really think about it vs just reacting.  

Learning about FOG and having more of an awareness of it can be really helpful in terms of not taking things personally or recognizing something is about her and not about you at all. (Like her irresponsibility with money is not your fault or your problem - she is an adult, her budget is her responsibility and if she doesn't manage it properly then there are natural consequences to her actions - Like she can't rent a car)

More on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0

Food for thought: What if you set a boundary that you will no longer bail your mom out financially?

So glad you decided to jump in and join us we all "get it" here.  There is a lot of information, tools and support to be had here too, keep posting and reading and I know you will find this site and its members helpful.

Take Care,
Panda39

[sklamath]

My mom is very impulsive with money and makes almost no money to live on. Renting a car for a trip was something I was not ok with, but I didnt say that. I knew why she wanted to go though so, I told her I needed 24 hours to think about it, and discuss with my husband. She pressured me for a response immediately so I said no. She then  tells me that my true colors came out, I do not love or support her. That I lie and so it goes. Even though it was thru text i felt disrespected and yelled at.
I said that I did love her but I made the boundary of needing her to give me that 24 hours. NC after that.

Hi, lmatter33! The boundary you set here was very reasonable, and great job on sticking to it.

I've also struggled with (honestly, continue to struggle with) the sense that my family's particular brand of dysfunction isn't really so bad compared to some other situations. My NC with my mom also happened suddenly and unexpectedly, which has made me wonder at intervals if I'm overreacting. But I spent years pretending like being around her wasn't confusing and anxiety-inducing, and thus minimizing and tolerating her emotional abuse.

I shared with my husband and his response was,
I don't want her in your life.

There is so much more that came out after that, but in a nutshell.
He wants to protect me, our daughter, himself.

If he is so against me having a relationship...why am I even trying to work on it.

Im just lonely for my dysfunctional family and that makes me feel so sad.

That last line you wrote sums it up perfectly. If we didn't care, didn't love our dysfunctional families and BPD family members, we wouldn't need to be here. But it's a journey: even once we accept that we are not going to get the love we need from our parent, there's a lot of grief involved.

My husband and I have had very similar conversations regarding my mom, and I have had to ask him to be patient with me. Your husband can tell you what he wants for you and your daughter, but he doesn't get to decide for you whether you can have a relationship with your family. That is for you to decide. I am probably reading more into this than necessary, but sometimes as children of BPD parents, we are feeling so many "shoulds" from our parent(s) and the FOG, and are used to acting on what other people think is best for us. Take the time you need to figure out what you need, whether that is LC, NC, or just some stricter boundaries.

[Imatter33]

Thank you to the three responders so far. So caring you guys.
I’m gonna reference your advice and posts again to really let all of it sit with me.

Just thanks