I Don't Want to Be Cruel

[anony]

My relationship ended just under a month ago and it's almost impossible to cut off contact because we work at the same organization. Not together, but we run into each other at least once a day. Every time we talk I feel worse and then I can't make contact for days, even when he says hello in passing. He's not a bad person, and I don't want to be cruel but I don't want to feel this way any more and I can't be around him right now. I don't understand why I feel guilty, especially since he dumped me and told me it was because I was mean and I picked on him and started fights with him. I definitely got pushed beyond my own limits and fought back but I know not all of our problems were my fault. He is an adult after all. Why do I feel guilty? Is everything going to end with me being upset and him convinced that I am responsible for his problems and seemingly indifferent?

[otherlife]

Hi Anony
I am sorry that you are in this situation and having to work with him every day must be very difficult for you.  Is there any chance you could change your job?   Getting away from the whole situation may help you start to move forward with your life.  From what i have read on hear feelings of guilt are common, there is a section on FOG - fear, obligation and guilt, perhaps it will help to look at that as a starting point.  Its good you are reaching out  and asking questions of others that have walked the same path.  I often read the boards and nearly every time something resonates with me.  Its a hard journey but educating, sharing and thinking helps.   Sometimes asking a question helps us on these boards to look inside ourselves and focus on specific aspects of the healing process or measure where we are.  Thats certainly the case for me.  I can only answer your question from my perspective.  So I ask myself why do I feel guilty, asking myself that makes me feel upset and brings ears to my eyes, that must be a good thing as it means I am feeling my feelings.  however I am 18 month out so now I am feeling sorry for myself because I am still in pain and grief.  However looking at the guilt question I still feel guity for the following -
- I did not understand or know it was BPD untill after the
  marriage ended
- I saw his pain confusion - I could not help
- My responses triggered him
- I insisted on therapy, that was the breaking point
- At that breaking point I saw the hurt little boy, I will never
  forget that
- I sincerely married for life (in sickness and health etc)
- I know I can recover but know he will continue to make the
  same mistakes as I doubt he will ever get therapy, thinks he
  will grow out of it- I told him I dont believe that
- Wow just righting that last statement makes me feel guilty as
 maybe I  belittled his hope?
- Guilty for not having clear boundaries - I didnt realise I needed
 boundaries as I trusted him 100%
- Guilty for allowing the Karpman triangle to operate so many
 times.
- Guilty for not getting help for myself
- Guilty for allowing the environment and myself to change as I
 tried to meet his needs
- Guilty for falling into the mother role but also guilty for trying
 to reject that role - I was his wife and wanted to be that not his
 mother
- Guilty that I lost myself
- Guilty that I lost my husband to this terrible illness and my
 actions reinforced his thinking that I was not caring about his
 needs.
I am sure I could go on but I know I must radically accept there is no going back.  I manage that most days but some days dont, when the guilt and regret and missing the person thought I knew.  He was not a bad person, never violent, so polite, so remorseful telling me he didnt want to hurt me but the avoidance, lack of intimacy, impassivity and silences did.  The constant devaluations turned me into an argumentative shrew who wanted her needs met at he cost of his.  I loved him but that was not enough my fear of losing him clouded my ability to recognise the illness and his action which I thought were targeted at me where not - they were about him, how he coped with the world around him.   I ask myself had I educated myself, had more skills etc would things have worked out differently?   Reading on here things may have go better but  chances are the outcome would eventually be the same.  I therefore try to take care of myself and try to leave the past behind and learn to be the best person I can.  I still dont know how to deal with my guilt but am hopeful I will learn.   I hope you also find a way to move forward to the life you deserve. I am sorry I dont have any specific answers for you, I hope others on here will respond with some positive actions we and others in this situation can apply to help us on this terrible journey.   
 
 

[Lucky Jim]

I definitely got pushed beyond my own limits and fought back but I know not all of our problems were my fault.

Hey anony, No, all of your problems were not your fault.  Those w/BPD are experts at transferring the blame to the Non, which get it off their plates and allows them to avoid responsibility for problems.  Give yourself a break!  Hey, you're human!  Suggest you let go of the guilt and let go of an unhealthy dynamic in your former r/s!

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi anony,

Is it cruel to ask for space after a breakup? Everyone reacts differently after a breakup. I’d like to echo Lucky JimA pwBPD have maladaptive coping mechanisms that makes them avoid stressful and negative emotions. For us not so much, like you described your sense of self is affected, you’re coping with difficult break up circumstances  and you’re carrying some of the pwBPDs feelings and actions through projection.

You can tell him that you need your space you’ll probably get some unpleasant reactions from him at some point because like I said earlier a pwBPD don’t have the tools to cope with negative feelings in a healthy manner. That’s fine if he doesn’t want to work on his problems but you have a right to protect yourself.

Is he diagnosed with BPD?

[anony]

I don't know if he's been diagnosed but he'd never go to the doctor to find out. I couldn't even get him to go to the doctor after he had what he described as a heart attack. I'm not a doctor and I don't want to diagnose him but he checks all the points on the list. After reading and watching testimonials and remembering everything, it's uncanny. Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions but he'd never go to a doctor, especially a psychiatrist. I keep reminding myself that I no longer have any say in his emotional well being and that I have a job that I need to do, whether he is in the building or not.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey anony, Getting a formal diagnosis can be problematic because those w/BPD are terrified about anyone discovering that they suffer from the disorder, with the result that they are loath to seek professional help.  As a result, much has to be gleaned from observation and experience, and common sense.  Plus, they usually don't think anything is wrong, or at least won't admit it.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

I keep reminding myself that I no longer have any say in his emotional well being and that I have a job that I need to do, whether he is in the building or not.

This same courtesy is extended to him too. The past issues between both of you doesn’t matter at this point because neither of you have a say in each other’s business, it’s in the past. It’s not cruel on your part for giving him what he wanted which is he wanted to end the r/s.

If he doesn’t agree on why it ended and thinks things happened differently it shouldn’t be an issue at this point because you’re not in a r/s.