Can you relate to this type of behavior? Could this be BPD?

[Butane]

Hi everyone. After reading a lot, this is my first post. I am hoping some of you can relate to my experience. I've been married to my mostly wonderful husband for 13 years. He developed PTSD a few years ago and things got difficult. Now I am wondering if some of his behaviors more recently are actually BPD traits. The stress has been severe - is this normal? is this OK? am I crazy?

For background... H had a tough childhood, had numerous step-fathers as his mom shifted husbands every few years, and did not meet his biological Dad until he was a teenager. He moved in and out of his grandparent's home several times when his mother was unable to care for him. He has always been "intense" and an achiever, getting his self esteem from his good works and putting 160% into everything. No close friends, I was his biggest and longest connection. His negative traits were a tendency to criticism, blaming others, and feeling he was getting unfairly treated.

For the recent behaviors, here's a sample:
- unable to stop criticizing. I think it relieves stress.
- tells me I am resistant and defensive (who likes constant criticism?)
- lectured me for several minutes that my problem is I never keep good food in the house that the kids like - I pointed out a fridge filled with all kinds of good foods (i.e. his assertion was NOT true). He then went to the grocery store and bought several bags of treat and junk foods home to stock the shelves
- last year, kept written accounts of things I did wrong in our relationship in his back pack, like an "evidence bag".
- had a roller coaster affair full of break-ups, flip flopping back and forth between us. I know a lot of excruciating details. It feels like he wanted to turn me into her.
- tells me that he gives and gives, but he has nothing left to give. I try to tell him he doesn't need to give so much.
- at times when stress was high, he would need to "run" and "escape" the stress by leaving (this is a PTSD thing too). Then return half an hour later with gifts or items for the house.
- sat me down for 20 minutes when he was stressed, and explained all my faults to me, including my facial expressions, coldness, loud walking, never changing although he has tried to help me improve for years.. the next day texted that he was sorry he ruined my evening
- a lot of projecting (ex. H: "you're so miserable!" me: "I was humming, I'm not miserable!")
- comments like "I gave you everything you ever wanted and you're STILL not grateful!"
- saying out of the blue "I think my mother had multiple personality disorder" (it is widely thought by her relatives that she has BPD. She has been estranged from nearly everyone for years)
- said to our marriage therapist "I want her to pay more attention to ME!" and "I feel like TWO kids!"

There's a thousand more things...

Could this be BPD?

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[Chosen]

Hi Butane,

Are we married to the same guy?

I have experienced most of the stuff you mentioned, but the following few things stick out:

- tells me that he gives and gives, but he has nothing left to give. I try to tell him he doesn't need to give so much.
- sat me down for 20 minutes when he was stressed, and explained all my faults to me, including my facial expressions, coldness, loud walking, never changing although he has tried to help me improve for years.. the next day texted that he was sorry he ruined my evening
- a lot of projecting (ex. H: "you're so miserable!" me: "I was humming, I'm not miserable!")
- comments like "I gave you everything you ever wanted and you're STILL not grateful!"

I don't know if it's BPD because he's never felt that he has any problem, and would likely never be diagnosed.  He tells me repeatedly that he is the only one giving in the relationship, and if that doesn't make me happy, then what do I expect from him? 

Actually, I'm not happy not because I feel he's not giving enough.  It's because of his constant belitting me, calling me names, criticising me... you get it.  Like you, I feel like he could benefit from giving LESS and taking some time for self-care.  But I guess "giving and giving" is their way of coping with the stress they cannot deal with.

Sorry I'm not really here to give you a solution because I don't have one; just want to say that I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of these things.

[greencrystal]

Here is the DSM definition and main traits of Borderline.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

I hope this helps a little. 

[Butane]

Hi Butane,

Are we married to the same guy?

I don't know if it's BPD because he's never felt that he has any problem, and would likely never be diagnosed.  He tells me repeatedly that he is the only one giving in the relationship, and if that doesn't make me happy, then what do I expect from him? 

Actually, I'm not happy not because I feel he's not giving enough.  It's because of his constant belitting me, calling me names, criticising me... you get it.  Like you, I feel like he could benefit from giving LESS and taking some time for self-care.  But I guess "giving and giving" is their way of coping with the stress they cannot deal with.

Sorry I'm not really here to give you a solution because I don't have one; just want to say that I know how it feels to be on the receiving end of these things.

Thanks for your reply. My husband does not call names, and his criticism is often explained as "helping me" to be "better", or "even better".

Regarding the "giving and giving", does your SO give excessively like mine? I know he is stressed, and I don't expect or need him to function as he did years ago. But he seems to always think I have high needs that he must fulfill, and puts too much effort in, doesn't tell me when he needs to rest until it gets critical and he explodes and leaves.

Is your SO on an emotional roller coaster? Mine is never very up (due to the PTSD), but gets so emotional about things. His emotional reactions are SO intense. When I asked him kindly "can we deal with the important things first and not worry about the other stuff?" his response was, in a pained voice "But EVERYTHING is important!". It is so exhausting.

[Butane]

Here is the DSM definition and main traits of Borderline.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/borderline-personality-disorder

I hope this helps a little. 

Thanks... I believe that he shows many of the traits at least some of the time, but it's hard to go by the written descriptions, as the manifestations of the traits can be so variable.

For example, "fear of abandonment": he literally was abandoned as a child (given up for adoption, then kept by his mom, biological father withdrew). This often bothered him. When I found out about his affair, he frantically wrote a letter, drove us to the OW's house and pasted it to her door, thus "proving" to me it was over. But I later found out he returned the same day to leave gifts on her porch. Another time, she broke up with him via text, and he knocked on her door a few days later. Another time, we sent her a joint text stating that their relationship was over as we were reuniting, and a few minutes later, he texted her again to say "ignore the last message". Whenever he thought he'd end up alone, he raced towards the other person. I'd say that counts as "fear of abandonment".     

He also has many intense emotions, and he believes them... thus his concept of me changes all the time. Not as extreme as painted white and black, but definitely swinging back and forth between positive and negative views of me.

The only consistent thing about him is his inconsistency...

[No-One]

Don't get too hung up on whether he qualifies for the label of BPD.  All the individual BPD traits are problems.  Just because someone may not have enough of the traits to gain the official BPD label, doesn't mean that your relationship issues aren't significant.  Many people participating on these boards are dealing with people with strong BPD traits, not necessarily a BPD diagnosis. 

[Butane]

I agree about not getting hung up on a diagnosis. It would make him feel terrible to have another label.

I guess what I'm really trying to do is figure out if his behavior is normal and I am the one with the problems!

In reality, when I step back, and recount events to my therapist(s), I realize that the things happening in my life - his behaviors, the things he says and does, the flip-flopping, the black and white thinking, the controlling behaviors he engages in to quell his anxiety, his impulsive hurtful actions, are not at all normal.

When you live with abnormal/unhealthy for a long time, it gets hard to know what's actually normal/healthy.

 

[No-One]

When you live with abnormal/unhealthy for a long time, it gets hard to know what's actually normal/healthy. 

It can definitely wear on you and it can take some effort on your part to NOT buy into the negative script he may generate about you.

It's common for people with BPD or strong BPD traits to have had a diagnosis of PTSD.  BPD can be environmental issues, genetics or a combination of both.  It's certainly understandable that he would have a fear of abandonment from an unstable childhood.  He may, also, share a genetic predisposition for BPD (from his mom).

Generally, people with BPD traits have one or more other mental health issues.  Has he had any symptoms of depression, anxiety, bipolar, ADD, OCD or any other mental health issues?

[once removed]

When you live with abnormal/unhealthy for a long time, it gets hard to know what's actually normal/healthy.

i like the term "difficult person" 

hes difficult. the criticism would test anybody.

there are ways to deal with difficult people. ways to deal with critical people.

thats stressful, but it sounds like there are significant other factors.

how long ago was the affair, and has he taken responsibility? im also wondering how its going in marriage therapy, and if that is what led to it?