First post - don’t know what to do. Any advice welcome

[Oz2016]

Hope everyone is well. My wife had another meltdown tonight. I think she is a borderline - the symptoms people have described for her spookily well. But she has a strong cultural taboo against honestly discussing mental health problems, so she has never been diagnosed and probably never will be. The last few years I’ve just been ground down by near constant criticism, verbal abuse and on random but quite frequent occasions, meltdowns like this. She doesn’t care about whether she has a meltdown in front of our son. My heart breaks for him as he is only three and has to watch his mother shout and then cry hysterically while calling me all sorts of horrible names. Last year I tried to end the marriage but the rub is that she is from overseas and I fear she will take him if I leave (she has threatened to do so and her home country has a bad reputation for international child abduction cases). I decided that I would stay as I couldn’t take the risk of leaving if she would try to take him and besides how I would feel about it I don’t think she could give him a stable and happy upbringing. I promised myself that when he got old enough I’d leave and find someone I’d be happy with. I even agreed to have another child with her at that point because she threatened a divorce otherwise and that might have led to her taking him. Now another one is on the way. Sometimes it can be ok but I feel sick to the pit of my stomach over my situation. Like I said the experience of our marriage has killed off any real feelings I had for her, but I also feel I can’t go and risk losing my kids. Sometimes life can be ok - I’ve essentially practiced detachment and really enjoy my job and hobbies (of course she tries to get me to give them up). But at times like now it’s awful. I want to keep going till my kids are grown up then get the hell out. I also recognise that I am responsible for my situation since I chose to be married to her and have kids. I guess I’m just looking for some support to get me through. Above all I do not want to lose my own mental health or do anything that might make me ashamed. I’d appreciate your thoughts. Especially I would like to hear from anyone who had a BP parent about their experience and what they would have wished the non BP parent would have done. Thanks

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Ozzie101]

Hello Oz! Welcome to the family!

It does sound like you're going through a lot and I'm so sorry. But it's good that you've found us. You'll find that members here have had all types of experiences and will be able to understand where you're coming from. We also have a lot of tools you can add to your arsenal that can make your life easier.

It sounds like you're very conflicted. I know you're afraid of losing your children. Have you spoken to a lawyer just to see what your legal situation would be?

One thing stood out to me. You say you're detaching. How is that manifesting itself? I know when my husband was in his bad phase, I started pulling back -- and things actually got worse. People with BPD can be very sensitive to the emotions of others. Someone pulls away, they sense it, their fear of abandonment gets triggered and they go further into a tailspin. Just a suggestion, but do you think that could play a role in what's happening?

For experiences about BP parents, I'd take a look at the Parent, Sibling board here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0
Reading some of those threads should give you some insight there.

Keep reading. Keep posting. The more we know, the better we'll be able to help you!

[GaGrl]

I'm so sorry you find yourself at this point.

On a practical matter, are you in the U.S.? Please confirm with a lawyer, but I am almost certain that current U.S. Policy is that a minor cannot leave the country with one parent without a notarized form from the other parent giving permission. Does your child have a passport? Again, in the U.S., Both parents must sign up obtain a passport for a minor child.

[Oz2016]

Thanks for the replies. Really appreciate it

To answer the question - I’m not in the US but the law where I am is very similar. I could apply to basically put them ona no fly list but the rub is that my parents live overseas too so that would prevent my kids going to see them too. I spent quite a lot on lawyers and their recommendation was to require a bond be posted. Not watertight at all.

In terms of the detachment, basically I’ve found it the best and perhaps the only way to deal with things. Most of the time we get by as friends who are raising kids together. There was a time when after she’d have a big episode there would be a long period of calm and I’d think it would never happen again. Then of course it would and it would hurt doubly bad. I just found that resigning myself to the fact that it will never change stopped me from getting disappointed. But it is at the cost of creating a fair bit of emotional distance. I simply find it hard to muster feelings of real love anymore since I have been so badly hurt by her episodes in the past.

[Ozzie101]

Have you seen this article:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

Which stage would you say you're in?

[Oz2016]

I would say I am probably around stage three. Though it’s not always like this.

I just had the day from hell today though. I went upstairs to change the LO’s nappy. He wanted to stay longer so I could read him some stories, so we were late coming down. She started shouting at me saying that she had wanted to go out but that we couldn’t go out now and I had to stay and clean the toilets as a punishment for making us late. I told her I wouldn’t engage with her if she shouted and tried to maintain my boundaries. I picked the LO up and took him out to the garden. She started yelling at me then came out into the garden to get me to come back inside and clean the toilets. She grabbed me by my shirt collar and tried to physically pull me in. I told her to stop and let go but she wouldn’t. I then made a big windmill motion with my arm to break her grip. It worked but she just grabbed me again. So I did it again. She then screamed and said I’d hurt her and maybe broken her wrist (I hadn’t). Then she started with screaming and crying - her eyes went totally dead but the whites were red in colour. Right in front of our son. I picked him up and said I would take him out as he was getting scared. She went berserk , crying and screaming that I was trying to take him. I told her it would just be for an hour or so till she calmed down. I then gave up. I put him down and listened to her for a while and she calmed down. But then later in the night she came back and started talking about how I had hurt her and then burst into more fits of tears - more blaming me for everything, taking responsibility for nothing (apparently it’s my fault for not doing what she told me when she shouted at me or for taking it the wrong way when she grabbed my shirt). She is talking about divorce. Frankly I would be delighted to end this nightmare but I am terrified about the kids and also about what she might end up saying in court (she said she would bring up the fact I hurt her wrist.)

I’m really really scared and things are going south really fast. I summoned up all of my calm and feelings of compassion to try listen to her and not argue back but she takes reposnsibity for absolutely nothing. Nothing is her fault. Nothing is wrong with her. My needs are worth pretty much nothing to her.

Sorry for the long rambling post but I need to get this off my chest. I am in quiet despair. I don’t think I’ve ever faced a worse situation. What worries me a lot after today is that I am struggling to remain calm in the face of all this. I’m usually very placid but fear doing something I might regret. I can only take so much of this.

[Ozzie101]

I'm sorry to be so late responding to this, Oz2016! I've been unavoidably offline for a couple of weeks.

What you wrote about isn't unheard of but I'm sure it's scary to deal with.

How are things now? What's been happening?

[Oz2016]

Thanks so much for the reply. I'm glad that people are indeed checking in - really grateful in fact.

As for where we are - after the last episode she calmed down quite a lot and things went quite well. She seemed quite apologetic, but the fact is I know that it doesn't and can't last. We also can't discuss the episode either, or if we do it's a case of either a) *my* awful temper or b) her quirky but loveable personality traits. I know that it's going to happen again but when or over what I simply don't know. I see pretty much zero possibility that she will recognize that there is anything seriously wrong with her, let alone BPD. In her culture discussion of mental health issues is pretty taboo, and she has clearly invested a lot in developing a set of defense mechanisms that allow her to convince herself that her behavior is normal or simply to forget the worst things that she said or did.

I have honestly given up on the marriage completely. My plan is simply to wait until the kids are old enough that taking them abroad would not be an option for her even if she wanted to, but of course the longer I wait, the harder the toll it's taking on my mental health. It's also delaying starting the new life that I badly want. If I waited until the kids are in their late teens I'd be in my fifties. So I end up in these cycles where I dream about leaving and getting her out of my life, then I start worrying about the practicalities of divorce, and especially about ensuring she doesn't take the kids away. In the meantime, there is lots of anger building up inside me which I try to suppress. Occasionally I repay her snark with snark. I know it's not helpful but honestly if you're getting dozens of critical comments a day plus the occasional nuclear level blowout, it's hard to keep your cool.

[Ozzie101]

I can understand how you feel. I, too, was detaching from my uBPDh when he was in his big dysregulation phase. It's a natural self-protection reaction.

But here's the problem: pwBPD tend to be very sensitive and perceptive when it comes to other people's emotions. My H picked up on my distance, which even further triggered his fears of abandonment and made his behavior even worse. Things didn't get better until I made a conscious effort to reconnect with him, on the advice of members here. Our relationship has improved 10x over.

I'm not saying that's what you need to do. Each situation is different. But, you might want to give some real thought to planning. If you're going to stay in this marriage for years, is that really tenable — with you wanting out and with her possibly getting even worse? You said the anger is building and that concerns me. Believe me, I get it! But the anger won't just go away.

I don't think I've asked -- are you in or have you tried therapy for yourself? I and other members here have found it incredibly helpful, even when our loved one won't go themselves. You're going to need support and tools to handle your situation.

[Oz2016]

Thanks for your reply. I really am full of admiration for your ability to do that, but I don't think I can reconnect with her. As you probably will know, for the last few years, my life has consisted of a steady diet of criticism, verbal abuse and constant anxiety and tension. Of course this is mixed up with the occasional hellish splitting episode, where my wife has gotten physically violent and terrified the life out of our son. The thing is, I spend a lot of my time day-dreaming about being with someone who just doesn't do this kind of thing - someone who doesn't criticize me all the time or insult me, or try to break apart the bond I have with my parents (this is one of the biggest sore spots) and most of all someone who is actually willing to take responsibility for their behavior and admit when they did something wrong! You could waterboard my wife and she would never accept that pretty much anything is her responsibility, even in part. It's always someone else who is provoking her or not handling her the right way.

So long story short, as far as I'm concerned my marriage is finished. It's just a question of when we will divorce. There are just a couple of problems - first and foremost, we are expecting another child. When she told me she wanted another one (or rather demanded that we have another one) I said I didn't think we should. She then exploded and gave me the silent treatment for days until I agreed. I wish I had simply walked out then. But this brings me to the second problem. She is from overseas and her home country has a pretty bad reputation for tolerating child abduction by their own nationals who have gotten divorced overseas. I've spent many a sleepless night and thousands of dollars on lawyers wondering how to resolve this problem, but there is nothing satisfactory. The best the lawyers could come up with is an idea that if, post divorce, she wanted to take the children to her home country, then she should have to post a bond to cover my legal fees in trying to get them back. But then what would there be to stop her just writing off the bond and leaving anyway? Besides missing the kids terribly, I honestly don't think that she could provide a stable and loving environment for them.

So I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. My marriage is awful, but divorce could be even worse. And I certainly don't think I can do anything while we are still expecting a baby, or even while the child is very young.

I'm sorry if no one can really think of a way to deal with this. But if anyone could that would be amazing.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Oz2016, I want to join Ozzie101 in extending a big welcome here. Your situation is tough, but I'm glad you found us here. We are here to support, listen and advice, to be a sounding board and guide where we can. And even though the members here might not be in the exact same situation as you, we can all surely understand what you're struggling with.

I hear you, you don't really want to reconnect with her nor think it's possible. In the meantime, you are in the same house and need to be able to fiction together as well as possible for the kids. She is not likely to take a look at her own behaviour, at least for now. Divorce can lead to her leaving with the kids. So you are together.

How about we break it up to smaller, doable actions for now? The issues you're dealing with are big questions, but doing smaller actions can be a way of dealing with things and moving forward. And what you can do, for yourself and the kid(s) is focusing on how you communicate with her and relate to her, and how you react. Ozzie101 touched on this when mentioning 'tools'. So a doable, smaller action is for example to focus on how to not be invalidating to here. Why? To ease tensions. To make it more bearable. You can read more about it here: Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating. It's simple once you get the hang of it, and really helpful.

What do you think?