Text Message H@@ver after 16 months of strict NC

[TPN]

Hello All,

Long time since my last post. I swore off the boards at about the 6 month mark to avoid continuing obsession and analysis paralysis. The quest to figure out myself after my 3 year run in with the BPD siren devil has been a hell of a time. I can't say it's been great, or joyous, or any of that crap. It has been better, though. Much needed single life to see just what my issues really are. The toxic relationship pattern has been realized, among many other things.

The other day after a ton of work, I finally decide to step it up and hit the shrink for some meds and a more focused and intense treatment plan, and what do you know, when I least expect it, the humble brag "mean no ill will" h@@ver text comes in after 16 months of strict NC. It is disturbingly textbook.

Felt pretty good about it. Not a shocking reaction, or shaking, or puking or anything, just a sad void of understanding. NC forever, obviously, but what a thing to get this kind of confirmation. As others have written here before, you think you want this kind of thing to happen, but you don't.

It has practical use for my own healing, to see it, and know, but I didn't need it. It's a cruel reality, these tragic dances we get ourselves into. It's like looking back on surviving something brutal. You can't even smile about it, it leaves echoes and scars. You can say you're better for it, and you are, but man. It gives you that war torn thousand yard look in your eyes, and feeling in your heart. Stay strong folks. Thank you as always for the support.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi TPN,

It gives you that war torn thousand yard look in your eyes, and feeling in your heart.

I know what you mean. It is like surviving something brutal. I catch this look in myself, and I know that I am healing from the trauma, but it is slow going sometimes.

The other day after a ton of work, I finally decide to step it up and hit the shrink for some meds and a more focused and intense treatment plan, and what do you know, when I least expect it, the humble brag "mean no ill will" h@@ver text comes in after 16 months of strict NC. It is disturbingly textbook.

I got some of these type messages. I have my ex blocked (seven month NC) but he can still leave voice messages, and I get the "I mean you no harm." I also get several other different phrases that are strikingly textbook, as you mentioned, such as "I just worry about you and wonder if you are ok". I used to get sucked in by those kinds of messages, until I learned more about classic tactics used by narcissists/abusers/disordered persons, etc.

Learning about the behaviors, the manipulation, etc, was helpful, but it does give me a sad feeling when I get confirmation.

I'm glad you are continuing with therapy, and have decided to step up the treatment plan. Ironic that you made that decision before this happened. I'm glad to see you back on the boards, as well. Ongoing support, even months or years after the r/s ends, can make the difference in how well you heal and how resilient you are after going through something like this.

Keep posting, it's good to hear from you.

redeemed

[Cromwell]

Hi TPN

On top of the congrats for sticking firmly to your goal.

Just wondering if you felt like rewarding yourself in some way if you have not done so already?

When I think about what you said about the cycles - for me they had a punishment/reward element to the push/pull. Well if I got once upon a time suckered in by this, it stands to reason the same thing can be done in a positive way.

I got through to the stage now of not needing to do this, but it helped to get there by seeing these situations as a form of mini-test. I usually bought myself something, usually books that I wanted but could not justify spending on at the time. The more that mounted up, they became a visual reinforcement of what hurt I was navigating myself out of - but succeeding in doing so.

It does not have to be about buying stuff but I do feel that it helped me to start rewarding myself in some way, rather than just to feel that "I got through another day" in this battle weary feeling you describe that I can relate to very well.

This is a contact out of 16months from someone who has had a big impact on your life. I think it is significant and an inspiration to how you are coping and moving on. Thanks for passing by and sharing. 

[Butane]

Can someone explain what the term "textbook" communication means? What would happen if the non-BPD replied?

[Turkish]

Can someone explain what the term "textbook" communication means? What would happen if the non-BPD replied?

Entering into a drama triangle. That is "textbook." It takes more than one.  Not responding after so much time is best, like you did, TPN.  It's certainly harder the closer we are to the exit.  

My ex asked to come back two years after she left me for another guy whom she married, but later seperated from. She asked by text.  I had to respond since we coparent. I basically said no with a neutral, kind, but firm response. She was asking for a "rescue." I wasn't going to step back into the triangle, though part of me wanted to do so. To this day, I know both of us still have things we want to say to each other.  I refuse to engage. Toss the "textbook." That's your old life and it won't help anybody.