"JADE": How do we resolve this?

[Pemi23]

Yes, I get caught in this trap.  Why? If I walk away he follows yelling that I think I am perfect or that I don't have the guts to face up to my own problems.  If I say nothing he takes it as agreement and it comes back over and over to haunt me.  If I fight back I am once again in the trap.  I hav yet to figure out how to relate well when he is wanting to argue. Nothing seems to work.

 This is the exact scenario with my husband. How do we resolve this? It’s like a lose lose situation.  How do I get him to calm down? Especially when his negative emotions are all directed towards me ( primarily for irrational reasons.)

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[No-One]

Hi Pemi23:

Check out the workshop thread at the link below on "The Dysfunctional Dance -Self Inflicted Wounds" You might find it helpful.  May need to read it slowly, or a few times to take it all in.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=66672.0

[Chosen]

Hi Pemi23,

I get into the same type of problem as well.  I guess we have to accept that "getting him to calm down" is not our responsibility.  We can only do so much NOT to make things worse (including not JADEing), but sometimes pwBPDs just want to be angry- I know my H does.  And they direct all those negative words/ actions towards us.  I don't really have any constructive suggestions, but sometimes I try to give short empathetic statements, or just apologise if I have said something wrong (like JADEd) that he takes as as attack towards him.  Then I leave it at that (if possible) and let him wallow in his negative emotions for a couple of days.

Chosen