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Author Topic: DD finally taken next step in treatment  (Read 730 times)
wendydarling
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« on: May 27, 2019, 05:43:44 AM »

Hi everyone Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I've been waiting patiently since end of February for DD30 to make two phone calls, 1) to get her meds reassessed and 2) the next step of treamtent/therapy (which she's dreading). These are things she's been talking about, she wants. An emotional moment last Sunday led to her sharing, me listening... it spurred her on to take action this week, she called her old psychiatrist (now in private practice) and a private organisation offering different therapies.  

At a whopping £350 an hour for a consultation with her old psychiatrist she declined. Apparently through her GP she can self refer to a psychiatrist in the UKNHS - great!  DD has a GP appointment 9 June. DD wants her meds reassessed (been talking about this for months and months...and..) and to try a new mood med that she's read and heard from others good outcomes. Tied up in this is she's put weight on this last year as she's been working on her eating disorder and she's concerned it's spiralling. I'm not quite sure what's going down with her GP, DD is implying she won't get a referral to a psychiatrist, that the GP will be somehow obstructive...she feels the GP is not listening. Let's let's see how that plays out.. I think there is fear of rejection here and her preparing using her skills DEARMAN, wisemind …. will help her.

DD had a telephone consultation with the director of the therapy practice. She said it was really tough opening up her feelings to yet someone else (hence procrastinating). They talked about goals, schema, mentalisation. He discussed her case with his team and came back yesterday recommending schema therapy with one of his associates. (DD has 14 months DBT plus a 5 month DBT refresher under her belt so far... she uses them, so it's what next...).

The catalyst of her action. DD went to visit her best friend for 6 days during which I received a text to say her friend was flying back with her for 5 days here. So by day 10 together, last Sunday DD emotionally melted and tearfully came and sought me out for a midnight chat while her friend was asleep. Much of the conversation was about her friend's behaviour, she has her problems and is in denial...…then how she was feeling.  10 days of being in each others pockets and socialising eventually overwhelmed DD. That evening they had been drinking and that's a guaranteed slippery slope for my DD dysregulating. Another trigger was her friend was due to meet her ex for lunch the following day, first meeting since they split late last year and friend was insistent DD join them, without letting her ex know DD was joining them. Yep allowing herself to be dragged into others' business. DD did sort it out in the morning, she did not go to the lunch and was happy, she felt relief. It's great DD's is aware she needs to make some changes and be able to say NO, set limits... They've known each other 15 years...  This has been a catalyst to move her into action, her discomfort!  Pleased and proud she's not had any alcohol this last week, life's back to normal  

Stage 1 of my plan is complete. It's taken 4 years since crisis, diagnosis for DD to get where she is, which I think is a relatively balanced place. I accept DD will always have challenges and she will always be learning. As long as she's going in the right direction which she is.
Stage 2 is getting back into work. DD raises it from time to time. I think she just feels lost, scared, fearful. There is avoidance too... I'm sure she'll feel more confident once she gets focused and committed, set's herself some goals. She can do this despite the nightmare she's been through Watch this space.  
Stage 3 is independent living...

That's where we are.

Slow and steady as she goes..

WDx
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FaithHopeLove
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« Reply #1 on: May 27, 2019, 08:37:01 AM »

Congratulations on your daughter successfully completing step one of what sounds like a very good plan. Sometimes it takes a crisis to get things moving.
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« Reply #2 on: May 27, 2019, 10:59:55 AM »

An emotional moment last Sunday led to her sharing, me listening... it spurred her on to take action this week, she called her old psychiatrist (now in private practice) and a private organisation offering different therapies.  

What a huge turning point! When you say "her sharing, me listening" that's a big deal, WD. Especially when you've been waiting 4 years for this next step to happen.

You articulate for me what we're hoping for with SD22. It's reassuring to know that these things do unfold on their own schedule, a little slower for us than we might like, yet they happen, little engine that could  .

It's great DD's is aware she needs to make some changes and be able to say NO, set limits...

That's a big moment for anyone, BPD or not   

Here's to slow and steady!
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« Reply #3 on: May 27, 2019, 12:34:58 PM »

Hi there, Wendydarling

Smiled as I read your post.

Both you and your daughter have worked so hard to get to this point in your journey.  How encouraging for all of us to see that changes can come about..."slow and steady" being a pretty good pace. 

Yep, will be watching this space for further updates. Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post)

Huat
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« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2019, 03:09:01 PM »

Hi WD

Well done to both of your. Constant patience, a wee step forwards and back, forwards again.

It seems to me that we create a bubble of reasonable stability. Life and normal interactions throw a side curve ball and they wobble, sometimes we wobble. Hopefully, they re-find some balance. What I’m trying to say is that it’s always the external influence and it can seem a negative but it’s a positive. The time away was too long, but your daughter worked it out. Amazing!

Son entered into a relationship with a fine young woman who spoke a lot of sense to him. It helped him. They’ve now finished (his choice, which is a shame because I think she was worth the effort but hey ho, his choice). They work stuff out in their own way.

You now enter another period of new meds. It seems your daughter has become aware of her weight gain, she’ll negotiate that in her head and work it out one way or another. It may be two steps back but not necessarily so. Your fears are there perhaps, as hers are. I feel this is another point of growth.

Of course she’ll resist a job. Maybe it’ll happen organically. I remember not caring about the level of job, cutting grass, tidying trolleys. It didn’t matter. It’s about what “feels” right, Your daughter has many talents - she’ll find a way. It it’ll most probably involve some motivation.

I think your marvellous

LP
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wendydarling
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« Reply #5 on: June 05, 2019, 03:02:27 AM »

Thanks for your kind words and support   

Faith, crisis, the unbearable pain in 2015 certainly kicked DD into action and she's continuing to learn she does not have to suffer, life can get better day by day, she can be free. Wise, compassionate and strong.

Huat Yay, glad to make you smile.   I have news below 

Excerpt
You articulate for me what we're hoping for with SD22. It's reassuring to know that these things do unfold on their own schedule, a little slower for us than we might like, yet they happen, little engine that could   
LnL love the little engine that could   it is slower than we might like, life in progress. I sometimes find myself deep breathing to slow myself down, to walk at DD's pace, synchronize our engines. Practising patience.

LP I like how you describe we create a bubble of reasonable security and the external influence, can seem a negative but it’s a positive. It's good to hear DS's ex helped him, perhaps she better as a friend than lover, if they stay in touch.

 Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post) Here’s the update everyone. Monday DD attended an hour-long consultation, gaining DD’s background, schema therapy. We had talked Sunday evening, bit of prep around questions DD wanted to ask. I transferred £100.00 payment.

That morning I received a missed call at work from DD and called back. DD was in bits crying. Her friends beloved cat had died in a car accident. DD was very close to the cat. They’d moved back to Ireland late last year. Very sad. On the back of that DD attended the 5pm appointment in town.

8.30pm, no sign of DD, I texted her you ok, dinner is in the fridge. She was on her way home, having wandered round town in a bit of a daze and ending up buying art materials she can not afford. (She’s taking them back!).
We talked for over an hour, me mainly listening.

They hit it off. The therapist was warm and welcoming, immediately understood where DD is. They covered much within 60 mins at ease with each other. The T has won DD over big time, DD has confidence in the T who made it all so easy. DD is super excited. I feel her hope.

The upshot is the T is putting together a proposal that may include schema, psychosynthesis, trauma and compassion therapy. DD’s DBT was recognised as the solid foundation. The T may refer her to other therapists in this large network they partner with. As DD is on disability the T is seeing what she can do to reduce the fee and DD is very happy about this (me too). I’m not sure how this works, it’s a private practice, perhaps they can gain funding from trusts, foundations, or they work it into their overheads. I’m guessing it’s available otherwise why raise people’s hopes. It all sounds very thorough, I’m wondering how long the treatment will be, not that it matters, just curious.

Me, I feel DD’s about to take her second degree. This time it is for her. It was the worst and best day for DD in one.

LP I think this is going to be the catalyst, support DD needs to get out there and into some work of sorts, be it grass cutting, dog walking...

Next is the meds assessment, GP appointment 9 June.

Got to dash, late for work.

WDx
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« Reply #6 on: June 05, 2019, 03:20:39 AM »

Hi WD

It’s a day of dances  .  Wow. The little engine is put putting.

Hugs

LP
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« Reply #7 on: June 07, 2019, 04:36:48 PM »

Excerpt
It’s a day of dances.  Wow. The little engine is put putting.
It is LP, finally there is a huge push positive energy coming.  I've always sensed it was there, it wanes and rises like the tide. Do you relate to tidal motion?

10% discount, so £90 a weekly session commencing Friday 21st, is my pay day  Frustrated/Unfortunate (click to insert in post)  DD forwarded me T email sharing the 10% discount, that it is so much money. I said when she's working she can contribute a wee bit. Meanwhile I'm preparing to email her father, to see if he'd like to contribute. Likely response is he's strapped, as always, despite his successful career. Money keeps him safe (till he gambles it all away) as his relationships with people, the world, he struggles with anxiety. I've not heard from him since Xmas, he contacts me when he panics about DD. I want to share DD is doing great and he can join me to support her next steps. One of my sisters and my best friend are also contributing. I'm crowdfunding  

Whoa, I'm overwhelmed yet again and truly thankful for our tribe of supporters in our real life and all you good folk.

WDx

« Last Edit: June 07, 2019, 04:56:42 PM by wendydarling » Logged

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« Reply #8 on: June 09, 2019, 03:24:08 AM »

Hi WD

Tidal motion works for me. I got off the rollercoaster and onto a raft. It’s a nice feeling moving to the ebb and flow - I do not have to be fearful or struggle (as this forum has shown me). I can sit on the edge of the raft with my feet dangling in, my adult child next to me, enjoying the time together, they are nervous but relieved they aren’t alone and there is something solid to hold onto.

We watch the odd coconut float by, we talk about them occasionally and understand they’re a sign of another potential life. Our raft comes to within swimming distance of the island. Our kids know its their island, but they know they have to get into the water and do the swim alone as we stay on the raft. .

Our kids have to know we will be OK without them. They are scared to leave our raft. We wait for them to get in. We give them a rope while they get used to the waters and gather strength while we wait some more.

The waiting can get monotonous. We worry about loosening the rope too much, they also worry and there’s resistance as we push and pull. But we have to loosen the rope and we do it, bit by bit.

This is where we are. I hope our raft can stay just close enough for them to swim back and forwards as they desire, rather than they need. Utopia? Perhaps.

LP


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« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2019, 11:03:54 AM »

Wow, beautifully described LP! I've printed for safekeeping.

DD's has been cat sitting this last week for a friend, over the east side of the city.  Last evening I texted her to find out how it went with the GP, re her meds.  She 'completely forgot' and missed her appointment. So my update, is no news on the meds front yet 
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« Reply #10 on: June 12, 2019, 04:21:22 PM »

Yet ...  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
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Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders
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« Reply #11 on: June 12, 2019, 04:39:59 PM »

  yet   x
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« Reply #12 on: June 22, 2019, 02:47:36 PM »

DD is out of the blocks 

First session with her new therapist was Thursday gone, 1pm. She is spending the next few weeks refreshing dialectical behavioural therapy. She's been given diaries to record and a NEW emotions wheel, below, is on her wall. Go DD, next week she's rock climbing and and yoga, both with friends.

Emotions-Chart" border="0

DD is planning for trauma therapy, schema therapy, compassion based therapy and psychosynthesis therapy. She wants it all.

Today DD shared with me payment for July was due before Monday. I transferred payment for July. Bless her, she's reviewed her small disability payment, to cut back on spending, to contribute what she can.

DD wants to thrive than survive.

Four years ago I prepared myself to lose her, I gained much strength from accepting that, friends here walked with me and continue to, I'm so grateful to you all,   you understand.

I'm walking with you all.

Hope and day by day.

WDx
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« Reply #13 on: June 22, 2019, 03:08:45 PM »

Late thought.  Prescribed meds have helped my DD survive. I know this does not work for everyone, sit comfortably, we find our way. She was truly out of it.  For her, she learnt it was better than self medication by alcohol and dipping in the other drugs.

I think she's ready to come off meds, perhaps her ongoing therapy will help her get there.

I hope so.

WDx
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« Reply #14 on: June 23, 2019, 02:28:26 AM »

Hi WD

You’re both doing so well. Yes, four years and each day counted. It just shows how a huge problem has to be broken down to small steps. Each small step is only taken when it’s the right time (sometimes with a gentle nudge every now and then). They have to do it themselves for themselves, while we stand by with a hug.

She’s come such a long way!

Have a lovely Sunday  

LP
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« Reply #15 on: June 23, 2019, 08:28:49 AM »

I love the emotion wheel! And she put it on her wall 

DD wants to thrive, what a thing to feel. It's everything, BPD or not.

 
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« Reply #16 on: June 30, 2019, 01:33:07 PM »

Excerpt
I love the emotion wheel! And she put it on her wall  Way to go! 
Oh yes LnL how might  it go down if you put one on your kitchen pin board/wall, or in your office for invited visitors?

Excerpt
It just shows how a huge problem has to be broken down to small steps. Each small step is only taken when it’s the right time (sometimes with a gentle nudge every now and then
. LP, yep each small step is only taken when it’s the right time, for me too. I often question myself, as we all do. I think you cracked it when you said in another thread, in time we find the rhythm. I'm there and as we all do wondering, what next.

Gently does it.

WDx
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« Reply #17 on: July 01, 2019, 08:09:11 AM »

Surfing the library for information on schema, compassion, trauma therapy I found this helpful article ….

Article: Schema Therapy and Borderline Personality Disorder Jeffrey Young, Ph.D

I was wondering if anyone has experience of a loved one journeying through different therapies, which ones and the outcome of each?
« Last Edit: July 13, 2019, 11:08:18 AM by wendydarling » Logged

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« Reply #18 on: July 13, 2019, 11:04:50 AM »

Arrived home from work Thursday evening (DD's therapy day, third session with new T), no one home. DD arrives shortly after, she has the routine of spending the afternoon in the park after therapy to chill out.

To be honest my head was in a spin after one and half hour chat, it was all good.

I'm immensely impressed by what I hear about her T, I have hope she'll take my DD far.

First 3 sessions DD has done much of the talking, T asked her if it's ok she talk less  . T pointed out DD's thought processes, well she goes off tangent. They're going to explore this. DD has new DBT diary cards for recording, wow, they're really detailed; daily use of 31 skills, 16 signs of downward spiralling, 3 common triggers, that's just the first page. DD says the cards are much better than previous ones she's used. Throughout the sessions T says write it down, write it down, write it down.... use the diary cards, journal.

T agrees there maybe Bi-polar at play. DD found this hugely validating and it is timely as she FINALLY has her GP appointment on Monday. The goal is to gain referral to a NHS psychiatrist for bi-polar assessment and to review her meds. I was heartened to hear her say a long-term goal is to come off meds, if she can. She's seeing a different GP, she's pleased about that. She preparing DEARMAN, bullet points on a card so she keeps on track.

This is a champagne moment friends, she's fired up now she has support, challenge and direction of her new T. She has DBT under her belt to keep going. Go forth girl, consolidate. I'm delighted they've touched on work goals and independent living    

15-16 I thought I'd lose my DD, if you are in a dark place right now, there is Hope.  

WDx  
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« Reply #19 on: July 13, 2019, 01:24:46 PM »

WD

Wow, just wow.

Hugs to you both

LP
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« Reply #20 on: July 13, 2019, 03:55:50 PM »

Wendy,
Thanks so much for the update. I’m encouraged. I keep thinking surely the prefrontal cortex development by age 26 has to count for something with these young adults. If nothing else than to just slow them down a tiny bit. My DD 19 had a “working diagnosis” of possible BP and BPD (or Reactive Attachment Disorder). The talking incessantly and going down rabbit trails can be part of BP -especially pressured speech.

For the record, I feel I must say -I despise Mental Illness!!

Please keep us up on her progress. Sounds like she’s gaining insight and that is key.
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« Reply #21 on: July 16, 2019, 01:59:35 PM »

Yay LP   She's back on track and most importantly, she's got there on her own again, with emotional support. Last week when we talked I raised I had wondered how she'd cope discharged from NHS DBT Sept 2017 and that it was a good test of her skills, how resilient she was. We had the crisis last October (last before that Dec 2016) and DD signed up with the charity (NHS pointed her towards Sept 2017) for 5 months skills group refresh ending this Feb. The charity suggested schema and pointed her in the direction of Mind Reframed who identified her new T, new journey. So we have NHS, charity and private practice all working in unison from what I see. They all know each other, it's almost as though they are all looking out for her, here DD is your next step, take it.  

The GP appointment went very well, DD returned, walked through the door saying "all is good". DD's referred to the practice psychiatrist. This is a new position and a welcomed one, the NHS is responding to local needs in the community. It'll be interesting to see how long she has to wait. So that's a meds review and bi-polar assessment

Excerpt
I keep thinking surely the prefrontal cortex development by age 26 has to count for something with these young adults. If nothing else than to just slow them down a tiny bit
Yes Peacemom, if my DD is anything to go by. For her there is an element of maturity - and also absolute exhaustion. I had no idea DD was BPD, I'd never heard of BPD. She's a quiet BPD who was able to make it through teens, education, work, foster friendships and keep them. Yep she suffered the consequence of her choices (I don't know the half of it), she actually said she needed to go through that to recognise she's not safe, that she needs to be safe and her lifestyle choices have changed these last four years. Yes she trips up, that is part of learning.

DD's just returned home, with her relatively new BPD buddy, he's a musician. Nice guy, endearing. He lives down the road, was her best friends neighbour who has moved back home last December. DD recently cat sat for him and went to some of his band's gigs.  Talking ten to the dozen, I'm relieved they're off to hang out in the garden. DD's lending him Mindfulness for BPD and Reasons to Stay Alive, Matt Haig  

July 2019, I wonder what's ahead, live day by day.

WDx  
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« Reply #22 on: July 16, 2019, 02:39:47 PM »

I’m reading Shari Manning “Loving Someone w/BPD” and it’s been a great reminder that they are usually not conniving or strategizing in their behavioral acting out. I’m hoping to gain a bit of new found compassion as I read this. I really related to her example of how most people’s emotional baseline is a 20/100- the BPD is 80/100. And also the description of them living with fresh, exposed burn wounds. Whew-now there’s a visual for us parents to think about.

WD- thanks for the update. A fun musician BF might be just the ticket!
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« Reply #23 on: July 16, 2019, 03:54:12 PM »

Excerpt
I’m reading Shari Manning “Loving Someone w/BPD” and it’s been a great reminder that they are usually not conniving or strategizing in their behavioral acting out.

My fav Peace, it was such a relief to read for me in 2015, gave me hope and direction. No 1 with members here. Shari collaborated here with BPDFamily developing our lessons, skills, and tools!

Compassion, reaching out here, has helped me  

WDx
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« Reply #24 on: July 16, 2019, 04:07:59 PM »

Excerpt
And also the description of them living with fresh, exposed burn wounds. Whew-now there’s a visual for us parents to think about.

Peace, I've witnessed my DD's third degree burns, 2015/16. Can you see them in your young 19DD? Can you feel her pain?

WDx
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« Reply #25 on: July 16, 2019, 06:16:13 PM »

WD (and Dr. Manning if you pop in here!),
Yes, I’ve described her as a “grape with no skin on”,
As my own hand being glued to a raw electrical wire, as DD living in an inside out body. These were my terms before I started reading. I found an email I sent many years ago to Blaise Aguirre (sp?) before I’d even heard of BPD asking if he could suggest help for her. I used all these terms trying to share with him exactly what she was like. Haha -little did I know at the time that these were all basic descriptions of the disorder.

I’ll post more here with you as I have lightbulb moments!
Thank you WD
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« Reply #26 on: July 17, 2019, 08:40:36 AM »

WDx -

This thread makes my heart sing.

You're not alone.

-jyw
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« Reply #27 on: July 17, 2019, 01:51:50 PM »

Thanks for posting this heartwarming news, WD. I love the idea that maturity matters with BPD. I wish my SD22 would be evaluated and go through whatever comes next so she can begin learning to heal, really heal. It does seem so exhausting to be leaping from one crisis to the next, and in SD22’s case always pushing pushing pushing away those who are here to love her. What a complicated illness. These kids are so brave to teach for support when thinking about what their emotions put them through.

Cheering for your DD as she moves ahead, one step at a time.

LnL
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« Reply #28 on: July 21, 2019, 03:52:11 PM »

Wow, WD! Such great things. You and your DD are an excellent team. I am encouraged by the progress you both are making and enjoy reading of your successes.

Onward!

~ OH
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« Reply #29 on: July 25, 2019, 01:04:48 PM »

Thank you  

What an amazing support group we are!    I think you crowned it Peace in another thread saying you've learnt more here in a short time than with your T in 2 years, your starting point is here. T support is very important, it is critical, with a BPD specialist. What we learn here, our knowledge helps us know when advice is not right, as Skelly and others have shared. Unbeknown to me my DD had private therapy for 6 months that led up to her first crisis. She said T opened her up and provided no skills, coping mechanisms, no safety. That is her observation, her learning, no blame. She fortunately fell into the very good hands of our local NHS in 2015-16. The team have left, we are not sure if the team has rebuilt. Something I shall ask our local NHS trust.

On DD's long to do list last week, pinned on our kitchen notice board, is to practice all Distress Tolerance skills at the same time. Umm, I'll have to work that one out, perhaps it's about standing on one foot and balancing. It's done me well during crisis, I did stand on one leg for balance

Therapy day today, received text at work 'therapy was fantastic, really getting somewhere'   I'm all ears, if DD wants to share, sometime.

DD's also signed up for a 8 week mindful research project led by Rainbow Mind UK;  two intakes, October, January, London and Manchester. It maybe over subscribed.

I found a Phd research study UK NHS carried out 2015, delivered 2017, published 'Family Connections Programme'. Conclusion, might be worth further, research…. Give me strength, I can't see it's been taken forward. Like many in the UK I've searched Family connections programme. And 2019, I've found one, lately advertised with Mind Reframed who is now looking after my DD. It's £800. I'm now passed it, the need, cos I've been here with BPDFamily and we have our family, friends, who understand and are support group on the ground.

There is much out there for our teen/adult children, when they are ready to go, get it. So much! Keep digging, changing your approach with your loved one, learning here.

This thread will be locked shortly as it is over 25 posts.  Bullet: contents of text or email (click to insert in post)

I'll start a new one/

WDx  


« Last Edit: July 25, 2019, 01:24:42 PM by wendydarling » Logged

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