Push/Pull and meeting up with ex for first time in 5 months

[once removed]

But I also don't feel I can undo nearly 4 months of not initiating contact with her by me doing the contacting.

on one hand, this may be kind of a black and white way to see it. contacting her once doesnt undo your progress.

it also may be unrealistic to not contact her but expect her to contact you. on the flip side, if shes the only one doing the contacting, and especially over four months time, she would reasonably assume you arent interested, and not pursue it further.

on the other hand, you dont want to contact her out of anxiety, and you dont want to be in an anxious situation.

if it were me, i might reach out with something light and upbeat - i would not expect her to keep me interested, i would quickly move to trying to get together. play my cards. if she isnt interested, or cant make it happen, i wouldnt pursue it further.

what do you think?

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[Dyson]

on one hand, this may be kind of a black and white way to see it. contacting her once doesnt undo your progress.

on the other hand, you dont want to contact her out of anxiety, and you dont want to be in an anxious situation.

I realise it is a black and white way of seeing. I kind of ended up in that position after months of doing the initiating and constantly receiving a mix of either neutral responses or abusive ones. That feeling of a lack of control made me extremely anxious. Having the black and white position has given me back some control but also left it open that I wasn't shutting her out. I've always responded positively when she contacts me. In fact, as I mentioned in a previous message, we met up a month ago. I did ask her then if she wanted to meet again. She said in about a month. So, it feels to me like the ball is sort of in her court. I asked her if she wanted to meet, she said she did and I'm waiting for her to follow up.

if it were me, i might reach out with something light and upbeat - i would not expect her to keep me interested, i would quickly move to trying to get together. play my cards. if she isnt interested, or cant make it happen, i wouldnt pursue it further.

I see the rationale for doing this. When I've done this in the past she's backed off. Since I went to not initiating she has been in touch probably weekly, apart from the last month when she's not been in touch - which is the period after we met. I need to think more about this. Something in my gut feels uneasy about contacting her but intellectually I accept the point you make. I probably need a few days to process this and come to a decision.

Thanks for your insights.

[truthbeknown]

Dyson,

I was thinking about this because i'm still in the push pull with ( I was going to say partner but I don't know what we are) "the woman that I love".    Unlike you I didn't have 3 years of idealization period or tranquil period.  I had 6 months.   However, like you the push/pull dynamic is there.   Because she has strong discarding tendencies I have been cautious with her.  When she pulls me back in I am tentative and cautious around her.  I have even tried to explain that I don't know what to do.  Sunday she and I got into it over something my ex wife did to me.  It's a rather long story but the bottom line is that it erupted into another argument.  Despite feeling like she was being insensitive I still reached out to her on Monday morning and she was so angry that it was like dealing with another person.  She was so fused into the victim stance and so demanding that I validate her that I just couldn't bring myself to validate her.  I realize that I have issues with people forcing me to say i'm sorry or validate them.  And i'm tentative now because I went through a period of 2 months where I validated every time she requested.  And truthfully at that point it was keeping peace in the relationship and I thought to myself "okay this is over validating and seems very needy but if that is what she needs i'll do it and see if it helps."   It did help until one day she got so dysregulated over a female friend that I had been chatting with.  I validated her hurt like she had asked me to do so many times.  She cursed at me and didn't accept the validation.  I had NEVER had a partner tell me curse words in anger like this and I took it very hard.  I pulled back from the relationship for a couple of weeks until I gave her another chance. 

Anyway, i'm relating to your story because my dad used to physically abuse us kids/me and then the next day he wanted to be best friends again.  Of course that has led me to be tentative when someone hurts me even emotionally. 

But i wanted to say that i notice that my current "the woman that i love" on/off again partner seems like part of the validation game is to take turns with communication.  She is big into keeping score for what she does but has double standards in regard to my efforts.  So for instance, after she was angry and shut me out on Monday, i was ready to walk away for good this time.  Then she reaches out to me.    Now she will expect me to take turn.  She is very ingrained in taking turns.  So i'm wondering if your gal is keeping score too?  maybe she thinks she reached out the last few times and even called you but is now waiting to see if you will do the same.  In my "the woman that i love" 's mind she has admitted to wanting to feel wanted.  Its a game they are playing with themselves but seem to use us as pawns in.  If we don't reach out then they might use us as weapons against themselves to prove they are not loved? and if we do then they feel powerful again and wanted again but it doesn't mean anymore then that?  (this is how it seems to me but maybe my observations aren't totally accurate- just my experience with current situation and thinking about things).


The question it seems like i'm struggling with and perhaps you are too- is if we take the initiative and reach out, try to heal things etc, will they just pull the scab off the wound and now we are back to square one? 

really hard stuff - I can acknowledge that you're hurting over this just as i am.

[Harri]

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