I'm heartbroken & confused don't know what do?

[Ecan]

 Hello this is my first posting and I admit I'm feeling vulnerable  because my grammar is bad and I know it. Please bare with me.
I need help figuring out what to do next and may be a reality check about any of it is welcome. I think I am really  in the black now this is so hard and I feel so stupid and incompetent. I'm not sure what background is good to share in order to help with feed back.

My ex and i were best friends for 12 years before a romantic relationship got started I'm a lesbian and shes married to a guy. She did leave her husband and moved in with a friend . I had no clue she was BPD it seemed after we were physically intimate is where things started to unravel especially the ability to communicate. I have never been with a person who has had the extreme childhood sexual abuse that she has had.

I found out quick you just can't do what you've done in the past with others in the bed room with a survivor you just can't.Our first time was a disaster she regressed and I didn't know it, afterwards she told me what had happened and I made the mistake of saying what you described to me sounds like I raped you. I didn't know what I had just done, instead of having a clarification it turned into I was a perpetrator just like the people who hurt her at one moment then in the next she loved them so she said she could still love me my head was spinning.It devastated me because I couldn't get out of my mind that she said she was a little girl when we were together and I felt so sick .

She was so convincing that I did it  I started to doubt my reality of who I know I am and took a lot of pills to end the pain. After surviving that I did research and ended up doing the wrong thing again, I apologized to the little girl inside her and told her it wasn't her fault she did nothing wrong. I stupidly didn't realize I was confessing to something I didn't do and once you say something you can't take it back. With that I admit my fear took over and I basically handed her full control of the relationship, I realise now how much of a bad choice that was.5 months after that she tells me she was BPD and that is when things started to really unravel.

I looked up BPD on the net and freaked out with what I read. Besides the posibility of cheating, I think I'm codependent and it said pwBPD eat codependents for lunch. I regret that I chose not to read anymore because at my best and most healthiest she did eat me for lunch because I didn't get any tools. She convinced me that our communication issues were because of me and I believed her.

I did 6 months of dbt,trama group, therapy and whent to CA,AA,and NA meetings. My dad was an alcoholic that's why the AA and I know I am a sugar addict that's why NA. I don't like the feel of OA. My family could tell the difference in me but my ex could not I even got a job after 10 years of being afraid to after getting raped from a coworker. Alls she could say was she didnt need for me to get a job and that through me because that was one of her conditions to stay with me after yet another 3 month NC separation. I was working towards that goal anyway.

Still with all of that our communication  was not good we would talk and I would think I got it but no I did not so she said we were done.  I worked at my job so much everything got put on the back burner leaving me with out good suport after that brake. During that time I did start reading up on BPD because I was left so confused to what had happen.  

She called 3 months later so basically I had not seen her for 6 months,long enough for me to forget that I have a communication problem so we talked and now the problem was because I have a" being present in the moment" problem too which she would have never known if I would have remembered she uses everything I say as a weapon for what seems to be emotional terrorism. I think she preaches honesty to get good intell on what words to weaponize. I had no use for lying before I met her ironically my dad use to hit me because I wouldn't lie and as a kid I could take that I didn't budge, here she gets her feathers ruffeled with me being honest about my feelings and that sparks my abandonment issues so I admit lying started. I regret the day I chose to do that because another part of me was lost with that choice and its hard getting those pieces back.

I wanted to take it slow this time even offered to pay for therapy so we could mend from the trauma of the first time we were intimate and she regressed ,that was Jan 7th/17. This second time around she did not want to take it slow nor did she think she needed therapy. Two weeks with us testing the waters and me forgetting all the rules of being with her in a intimate way i messed up and it was totally my fault. I still have not acquired a set of balls to say no and set bounderies. That is on me and i own that.

I tried to use SET with my communications with her and with one important conversation  the truth part was to truthful and it triggered another confusing split in the romantic part of our relationship.Unfortunately the one rule of a pwBPD that won't stick in my head is fear of abandonment. I think its because she triggers it so much in me, its hard to belive she feels it at all. I think that in its self is the main reason I have caused her heart so much pain. After that things unraveled again and on Nov. 22nd of 2018 she said she was done with all of it and for us to never see each other ever again.

She slammed me with the Jan 7th and asked if would I be friends with my abuser and because I had been through all of this with her and being on the other side my answers was yes, if he had gotten himself clean off drugs and wanted to make an amends I would give him a chance. I could hear it in her voice she was hurting inside and wanted me to talk her out of it but i was so tired of being blamed for manipulating her into making choices to keep us together.

I refused to beg and I am still not 100% sure of what triggered the total split.  We were such good friends its so hard to believe that all of it is lost. I wrote her an email wishing her the best and how much I have seen her grow and I hoped she finds that person that she saw in me she so desperately wanted. I get so confused she didn't want me and yet me saying good bye and wishing her the best set her off. I'm guessing abandonment even after discard?

The holidays were tough on Jan 1 she had sent me an email that I saw on the 2nd my bday stating how she has been present enough to see love all around her and that the total brake was the right desision and I will have to face what I had done to her on the 7th and she's not there to distract me. She blocked the email so I couldnt reply.

Then in early Feb I had found out she moved back with her husband and that destroyed me I hit bottom. All that she said about why she left him and other stuff must have been a lie, being with me must have been a lie. I went to the dark side on Vday. That was his bday and she abused me with telling me sexual stuff they did while we where a couple that I couldn't get out of my head.I admitted I stayed sidated for 2days so I wouldn't do anything stupid.

I can't believe that on the 26th of Feb. I get a text and a voice mail "did u just call". I took the bait. I was honest and told her she could text me the only thing I ask was for her not to leave any voice messages it hurts my heart to hear her voice. Well she whent off. I told her I was not in a good place to make any kind of connection with anyone I was in hell. She had to call me and talk.Stating how she dosnt want anything to do with me and she only feels compassion for me equal to a stranger. Blah blah blah heart piercing stuff..we communicated for 3 days until she caught me in a weak moment and asked me "if in this reality could we be a couple". You see I didn't hear "in this reality" and my heart answered" yes if I we did the work" and she basically laughed at me so I hung up on her.

I felt so humiliated I dropped my guard. She texted me and emailed me over 12 times that I was a coward for not continuing the conversation. I also had told her how depressed I was so she added "your helpless, hopeless,a victim on and on. I also found emails she wrote for 3days one a day before the phone contact.I had wrote some emails and had them in draft for reread they got fired off. I lost my calm. Later she emailed me and wanted to talk about what was truth with my rantings and how cruel and mean I was to her. Then emailed asking why I wouldnt talk truth with her. she found that truth helps her move forward. Where I was at the time I couldn't handle it I started to want to die again so I changed my phone # and didn't look at any email for days. She went as far as asking for a face to face. I replied she had delelted her email and changed her cell# number.

In March a month after,I felt better so I put a note in her mailbox saying I would be open for a face to face. I found the note in my car one day "to the one who is lost I am not playing this game anymore". OK I move on and  take more shifts at work through all this I went down to only one shift. The first Monday in 4 months I have worked I hear a voice behind me and it was her, I couldnt foucus while she read the  note attached to an envalope written in 3rd person that my HP got her to bring this message to me. That she was a broken beat down messenger and that she wanted no contact. I asked if this was a trues she didn't answer.Inside the envalope was a Believe in ur self card and inside was " I love u with all that I am ,all the goodness of the universe is here for you,I miss u,ur HP" I didn't know what to think.

I kind of believe in the universe working through people and I had this letter and note I wrote a month ago  in my car i have been carring it around for the rt time. Was this it? So yes I put it on her car which was at her moms and that worries me because where is her mom? Later I felt uneasy about leaving letter so I went back and got it and stupidity struck me big time. I put the little note that was along the same line as HP's card in her door. I have racked my brain trying to figure out why I did that. I know I hoped it would help her see she was thought of, loved. In my truck in my moms back yard I found a note that she wrote. "Predator-Stop violating me.This last time really shook me.Just what u were going 4.(Of course,under the ruse of wanting to explain ur self, spin reality)Ur & have been the most toxic familiar in my life.U know my past,fears,,hurts,& uvstill treated me with disrespect,cruelty,indifference, meanness. U live in dishonesty. So, know that u achieved ur goal-to put me on edge, to b on alert,& to feel violated. How cruel. I would rather b hated than experience ur love for me-it would be less damaging. I hatebwho u r. The real u is dead. U will always poison & destroy
 everyone who has the misfortune to trust and believe in u. I will never forget how u have treated me. There is & has been no justification, explanation for any of it. The cruelist familiar I have ever had in my life. Leave me to heal & live a healthy life with out u in it. Again, the cruelist & most toxic familiar in my life. I don't deserve or want to b punished &/or destroyed by u.I would rather b hated than experience ur love".

There have been many f u notes saying we are done but not like this. It has taken me over a month to deal with the shock and hurt. I can hear her pain, very deep pain not sure if it is all caused by me.
 Question what to do. Its been a month so she probably has moved on. Tomorrow is her bday and I have no intention in messing that up for her. I remembered she did have a thing about me leaving something on her car, she did not say it triggered paranioa hell. I love her enough to walk away. If its done I really want to know. 

Question is this the black everyone is talking about? I fear when her mom passes (I can't find her in obits) she is going to be in such a pain I fear her going off the deep end and taking it out on me. She often related she had similar feeling about me as her mom. I hate this with every contact with her it is making it harder and harder to walk away.  I understand the parainoia I scan every car the gets near the shop and she was driving her moms car and I wasn't  to familiar with that,well I am now.

Question she is living with husband and didn't want me why contact me at all. I will always love her and I am afraid if in 5,10 or so years I am with someone and she came around I would always choose her.I am friends with all my ex's and I had hoped after I got over her we could be too. Its looking like that was never a real reality either. I am lost and so heart broke I had thought my dream had come true to fall in love and marry my best friend that to not reality. I am willing to ponder any thought provoking questions. Thank u in advance to anyone who read this whole thing.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

Hi Ecan and welcome!  I am so sorry you have experienced such a difficult time with your girlfriend.  There is a lot to unpack in your story.

You mentioned that you doubted your own reality at times in your relationship and I can say you are not alone in that.  I experienced that as well and I have read that from plenty of other people here as well.  You are not alone.  the good news is that things can get better.  I don't mean in your relationship, though that is possible.  I mean for you.  You can learn more tools and strategies for being in relationships where you don't lose yourself to another's reality.  It can take time and a lot of work but it can be done.  The other good news is that we can help you as you work through this and that there are people who have walked a similar path before and can guide you along.

It is hard for me at this point to give specific guidance as your story is so big.  I am not saying that is a problem though.  I am glad you shared.  As you share more, read and post we can help you more.  In the meantime please do settle in and get comfortable with us.  We get it.

Again,

PS, your grammar is fine!  I did insert paragraphs as that will make it much easier for people to read your posts and increase the chance of getting replies.   

[Ecan]

 Thank you Harri for your help. I didn't realize there was an preview bottom. After I posted I saw how much it was to read and so I tried to modify it. I was  unsuccessful achieving my goal because it timed out or something. It was so hard to go through all of that to type it out. The first try some how I deleted it and frustration hit. I didn't realize how writing all this out for strangers to read can be so draining. I respect every one who post so much more now. Thank u again for your support.

[Harri]

You are welcome but no worries there!  Getting our stories out is cathartic and can be overwhelming.   All those emotions.  That is what i meant about there being a lot to unpack.   Having to do it twice due to a time out?  Ack! 

I've been thinking about your story and I am wondering what you think about giving yourself a break with no letters, notes, etc.  Even for a month just to let things settle down?  There is a lot of back and forth on both your parts and that sometimes just adds fuel to the fire.  She might be asking for space, granted in a very unhealthy way, but if she is, more notes, contact, etc is only going to make things worse.  It may help you too to sit back and give yourself a chance to calm and settle, think things over and get a bit of distance and persepctive while you post here and work on learning tools and strategies that can make things better for you.

Thoughts?

[Ecan]

 Yes I agree. With her last note it has shown me that I am so lost and want so much to find some grounding. I need to matter and posting here has helped me feel less invisible. I admit I am tired and a part of me wants her to stay away. Now I need to be OK with me time and that is so scary to me. This site has gotten me through some really tough times in the past months. I have spent a lot of hours reading post. It took a lot to post. I am glad I did. I'm glad when I found my courage to post u were here to cheer me on and help me . I am truly grateful this was a milestone for me. Even if I never post again I found my courage when I thought I had none and I can always find it here.

[Harri]

Ecan, that is great to read and I am glad to hear you have benefitted by reading. 

I don't want to push you, but I will... just a bit though!    Talking with others who have been there is even better than reading.   These relationships can be pretty devastating and draining and there is no reason to go through everything alone.   So post when you can and reach out to others and post in their threads.  That can help you as well.  Building a supportive community is going to be very important.  Okay, I am done 'pushing' you ... for now! 

We've got you.   

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Ecan-

I would like to join Harri and welcome you to our family.  I am so very sorry for the pain, sadness and confusion you’re experiencing.  We truly do feel at times that we’ve lost ourselves, but you are Not lost for good.  You will find your way back to yourself, and will be stronger through this process.  I can feel the emotion through your words, as if holding it in my hands.

Please be confident that because of your true ability to love and your willingness to heal, that you CAN and will heal.  Don’t give up on yourself.  Your GF on the other hand, will likely always be chasing her emptiness, and blaming others for that.  You are NOT to blame for her emptiness, her guilt or her illness.

If I understand correctly, I believe one of the huge difficulties in your experience is that you and she were best friends first, sharing that type of bond and trust that two women share.  At least we believe we share that unbreakable bond with a best friend.  (I know firsthand that’s not always true.)  And then as it moved to a romantic relationship, the entire dynamic may have changed.  And you may have seen behaviors and learned things about her you NEVER knew or thought possible...perhaps she had hidden her true self from you during your friendship.  Is that possible?  And then boom. 

So you are not only feeling the loss of your lover, but the loss of your former best friend.  Almost incomprehensible.  And more incomprehensible are the behaviors and cruelty she’s shown toward you.

My friend, you will move through this.  Please be gentle with yourself.  Surround yourself with people who know and love you best.  Those who KNOW your real value.  Please understand that just because she says or writes horrid things to you does NOT make those words true.  Our BPD partners can say some very abusive things that have no basis in fact.  Those words simply do NOT match the reality of who we know we are.  But within these relationships we can become so beaten down that we lose sight of ourselves, we are trying so hard just to remember to breathe.

Ecan - it is so clear to me that  You deserve kindness and love. And you deserve just as much compassion as you express in your writings toward your GF.

Please stay with us and express all that you need and wish to express in your healing journey.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Ecan]

  Gemsforeyes they're are no words I can use to express the level of gratitude I am experiencing from your words. I didn't realize I have been avoiding feeling the loss of my best friend. You helped me face that and I had a good energy releasing cry. Priceless! Thank u.

You also helped me not feel so alone and validated my existence with all this. Every one I have talked to just spends time trying to convince she's crazy and bashing her.

When I was going through the trauma from the rape accusation every one basically did the same. I had no one to talk to about what it was like on my end.

Gemsforeyes thank you for your warm welcoming

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Ecan-
I saw that you began another thread and I wanted to bring you back here for a moment.  You provided more in-depth background here and we had been talking. 

If you haven’t already done so, please look at the “Tools” section and look for FOG.  That stands for Fear, Obligation, Guilt.  We oftentimes feel those feelings, which don’t actually belong to us, yet there is a healthy way out of the FOG.  But because our partners/ friends seem to have such vulnerabilities, we may tend to absorb those “responsibilities”.  We are not responsible.

Remind me, your exgf has or had a husband, correct?  Have you considered that part of her hurtful note-writing and acting out against you is part of her guilt around infidelity with her husband?  (Although she was separated?)  I’m just guessing... there can be many unknown drivers behind the hurtful actions of our BPD partners, and the truth rarely comes out.

I’m glad to see that you are helping other friends here.  You’ll find that it really DOES help us heal when we reach out to others on this site.

Please continue to help yourself.  We always need to remember, we only control ourselves and we can only change, heal and “fix” ourselves.  I cannot recall the number of times I’ve had to tell myself that there is no healthy closure with a disordered mind.  I cannot love him to wellness.  But I’m finally learning to love myself.  You can, too.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Ecan]

Hello Gemsforeyes
Yes was separated from husband for 2 years with intentions of divorce that never happened. She claimed she wouldn't go back there no matter what she claimed sexual abuse for 18 years now I'm doubting that. Yes it could be very possible she feels guilty.

What confuses me is why she moved back in with him and reengaged with me. She didn't tell me she had moved back with him I found out by chance. I don't know why she just couldn't leave me alone after Nov. if she is with her husband again. May be she just needed a distraction from whats going on with her mom its sad I will never know. I dont know if i want to.

With her reconnecting/disconnecting off and on since Nov. has made things so much more worse for me. Me messing up and her reacting the way she did has really gotten me in a dark place. Im starting to feel more and more that there is something wrong with me.

I posted again because I feel so damn defective was hoping if I wrote something shorter it would help. I see it did not. I have been looking at a lot things on this site. I think I read a discussion where they talked about FOG don't recall reading on how to get out of it. I will Google it. I'm on antidepressants now and am looking for a therapists on days I can.