Really?

[Depression = 72% of members]

So today I messaged her.

I have no idea why I did this, I spent a long time without contact and was fairly religious about not making contact, sure she contacted me but I never initiated it.

Again, I have no idea why I did this, she did not read it and did not reply. I think I was maybe seeking validation for my pain and my hurt because damn I've suffered today, all I have done is beat myself up, i feel worthless and embarrassed, depressed and unloveable, everything I know that's not true and let's not forget the fact that she just cheated on me AGAIN, I MEAN FFS, I NEED TO GET A GRIP HERE.

I'm just venting I guess.

[Longterm]

So today I messaged her.

I have no idea why I did this, I spent a long time without contact and was fairly religious about not making contact, sure she contacted me but I never initiated it.

Again, I have no idea why I did this, she did not read it and did not reply. I think I was maybe seeking validation for my pain and my hurt because damn I've suffered today, all I have done is beat myself up, i feel worthless and embarrassed, depressed and unloveable, everything I know that's not true and let's not forget the fact that she just cheated on me AGAIN, I MEAN FFS, I NEED TO GET A GRIP HERE.

I'm just venting I guess.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Sandb2015]

Longterm,

Vent and vent and vent, we will validate you, I will validate you.

It's natural to reach out. Of course she should hear it, without validation, it may have an opposite effect.

Feel anger you feel, THAT is true and how you feel is legitimate to you.

Try not to beat yourself up, this is already so unfair to you.

You are none of those things you mentioned in reality, you just feel that way.

You do have a grip, or you wouldn't be saying these things...

I'm sorry you are suffering.

[Longterm]

It's just really difficult Isn't it? I feel like I tried to do the right thing by my family but I just added to our misery, we are all very low today. We have been out and tried to get on with it but I can see it on their faces and they can see it on mine too. She has gone on a romantic weekend , she has no fc*s to give.

[Longterm]

I think it's separation anxiety. Being around her was very weird. I could feel myself becoming ill around her though. My thinking became skewed and I could feel my head turning to mush, I felt like I could not control my emotions around her, I was either very confident or severely depressed, that's probably the best way to describe it. I felt like I was in a fairly good place before she started to plot her return. I don't know if I said here but I was fairly suicidal around January. Every time she made contact I would physically shake and had a tight chest, I think subconsciously I knew what she was doing. I think that's when my mood lowered and having her around me sort of finished the job. I feel like I'm on day 1 where I wanted to reach out whereas I want to be back at day 400. It's frustrating and if I'm honest I'm incredibly p1ssed off with myself for allowing it to happen.

[Sandb2015]

Longterm,

Seriously, that shaking, physical anomalies that happen during ruminations or after contact, that's TRAUMA.  PTSD/C-PTSD, I'm no expert, just another "survivor" trying to make sense myself.

I get a text, before reading it, my vision blurs, barely controlled shaking, wobbly knees...

I can't even read the text or email, getting it is enough.

Don't be pissed off at yourself for using your heart in the greatest way, your'e great the way you are.  It's our reaction that must be put in check, not the way you really are.

[Longterm]

Ye, I'm aware of it. The last year or so that I lived with her was horrendous. I work nights and I could not sleep until she left the house in the morning, I would pretend to be asleep. I would wake up everyday soaking wet, she would come home banging and cleaning having no thought that I had just done a 12hr shift, she woke me up regularly doing this, I would be exhausted by the weekend. Fridays I wouldn't sleep all day, I would take the youngest to school then did whatever she wanted. I would not be able to stop up all night and would fall to sleep and then I would get moaned at. It was ridiculous looking back. When I initially left I was distraught but I was also extremely happy to be away from her, the night sweats instantly stopped. This is why I cut contact. Whenever she would make contact it was normally a Friday and I sh1t you not, I would have night sweats all weekend. As soon as I saw her name on an email I instantly could not breath and felt disconnected from reality like I simply did not exist right in that moment, it was weird. This did get better until around Xmas when the contact increased to the point I find myself now. For around a month before she came back my sleeping was disturbed and I was having sweats again. I would walk around at work, up and down starting around 3am every morning, when all this happened I stopped doing it and my friend pointed out the fact I never wanted to go home. He told me months ago he knew something was wrong.

This is why I said I'm going back to counselling, In my opinion I need some intense trauma based therapy, whether I like it or not I have been abused by this woman, my daughter has similar symptoms. She honest to god scares the sh1t out of me, i could talk about it all day.

But using my heart harmed my children again, it's like I feel I don't know wtf I'm doing sometimes, I mean honestly what was I thinking?

[Longterm]

It's that Stockholm syndrome thing isn't it?

Having sympathy/empathy for your captive.
I am her captive, my emotions are hers to control. I have empathy for her because I am a human being and I understand she suffers but she does not deserve it from me yet I feel powerless to not give it. It's bizarre and crazy and it says much more about me than it does her. Every time she does something it's like I instantly feel sorry for her, what about ME ffs, I'm the one getting hurt and there is no empathy shown to me whatsoever, it is selfish and feels not human. I cannot grasp it because I am not like her, we are very different people and it frustrates me to know I am sitting here typing this whilst she does not get it or seemingly care. She is like an empty vessel, there is nothing there, I have wished at times that I was more like her, to be able to just be so switched off to your emotions must feel very freeing, I am a prisoner to my emotions and she's the prison warden, it's just an endless cycle of crap, I do not know for the life of me how I haven't turned to drink/drugs, I simply do not know. This has to end, I cannot go on like this, it is crippling and debilitating, i am not living I am merely inhaling and exhaling on a daily basis. I do not know the way forward.

I know I'm rambling and for that I'm sorry, I am just so f*icing sick of this.

[Sandb2015]

Longterm,

You aren't rambling, you are sharing and we are listening.

You didn't harm your children, you are protecting them and being the best father you can.

You are their pillar and they may be effected, you are on top of it.

You know why you aren't turning towards drinking and drugs which could easily happen to make the crap go away.  It's your children and your own resilience.

They use "Stockholm Syndrome" just for an example so people unfamiliar could easily understand something comparable. It's not the same.

The meaning of "Stockholm Syndrome" in a dictionary or googling, gives a fairly short description, just long enough for someone to grasp or not lose interest.

Try googling BPD/NPD victim/survivor? Too much information.  I know the word "victim" is somewhat frowned upon here and I understand completely, sometimes we are though.

I know things are tough, I couldn't imagine with the kids, but you do need counseling and look for specific counseling, trauma counseling, the more hardcore the better and be specific as to what is happening when you consult with one and ask if they are built for it, be straight.

You are holding yourself together because you can, right now it's survival and you are surviving.

Know when you need space and get it whenever you can for mind and emotional decompression.

[Longterm]

It is really difficult not to see oneself as a victim. She played victim very well, straight from the start, she told people I mentally abused her, payed no bills, was a cocaine addict etc etc. Every body felt sorry for her, she had had it so "hard" and she was well shot of me.

My character was assassinated, it was horrible and I had sat there many times wondering if it was all true and everybody could see it except for me because I was mentally ill. I will never forget it, I will never forget so so much I guess.

I'll use the word sufferers, that's what me and the kids were/are for a long time.

I was at counselling last week with my son and I did take the opportunity to ask if they could specifically cater to my needs, thankfully they said yes.

Yes, survival, that is all. Back to my working week tomorrow.

Not being around her anymore will give me more free time, I'll be spending this outdoors like I did before, it helped a tremendous amount.

[once removed]

I think I was maybe seeking validation for my pain
...
I'm just venting I guess.

Longterm, i strongly encourage you not to do this; on the board, or in real life.

if you come to the Detaching board to have your side of the conflict validated, it may feel good in the moment, but its not helping you find answers, and it is masking the pain.

more over, if she came back tomorrow and you took her back, you would feel silly, and youd feel even sillier if it blew up again.

you dont have to do this. you can work on the Bettering board to get centered and in a more constructive place - even as you vent your pain, and even as you consider detaching. you can get feedback on any communications you want to send her.

so, what did you send?

[Longterm]

Thanks for the advice.

It wasnt even anything major really, no anger at all. I just said i would sort the divorce out as soon as possible and i would not be bothering her again.

[once removed]

and she hasnt read or seen it?

[Longterm]

Nope, i think i was expecting an explanation, i should and do know better. I did 14mths without seeing or speaking to her, i was very proud of that fact. So many times i nearly replied or called to have a go but i always resisted.

Like i said im angry at myself.

[once removed]

Like i said im angry at myself.

whats done is done. put that energy to constructive use.

you said shes on a trip with the other man, right (which i imagine really stings).

thats something you really want to stay far away from, whether you want to detach from or improve the relationship. its something that needs to play out, and your presence/involvement can drive them together, or it could drive her to impulsively want to get back with you, or it could look weak and needy...at best, it makes you angry at yourself.

my ex left me for someone. i wanted to contact her, constantly. what really helped me (advice i received) was to accept that i could speak to her any time i wanted, and say whatever i wanted, but that now was not a good time. to make it my decision. i needed to let their relationship play out while i worked to get to steady ground, either in case she came back, or in case i wanted to work toward letting go.

psychologically speaking, it can help to tell yourself "ill do it later" rather than "ill do it/i wont do it".

you do need an outlet, though, to get those feelings out. thats what friends and family, your therapist, this board are for. i would also recommend writing/venting on paper. there was something about it that really steeled my resolve.

[Longterm]

Thanks once removed, i have enjoyed your frank input.

Yes it stings but it is what it is. I know full well that i could destroy that relationsh1t and bring her back this way but what would be my prize? A woman i cant trust who treats me like sh1t.

I have literally reached the end of the line with her. I have sat for a few hours with my thoughts and have come to the conclusion that i no longer want this woman in my life. I will never get what i need from her and i need to stop looking at her to fill my inner unhappiness, i need to fix me in order to free myself of this mental tortue. This game will play out for another 20yrs if i allow it and i simply do not want to do it anymore. If i didnt have deep seated issues i would of kicked her to the curb years ago, that is fact so i need to love myself i feel and think about what i want.

Your frank remarks have helped me see that so i thank you.

[Longterm]

Writing does help me, i have done it many times and also a walk in nature always improves my mood. I was in a much better place last summer when i was implementing these tips and tricks and i need to get back there, nobody can do it for me. I was starting to like myself, i was building confidence, i loved it, i saw the changes and i was only thinking about her around 40% of the time i reckon, much better than the current 100%. I need to start making more time for myself too, it has been a stressful few months because of my brothers suicide and moving house but i cannot allow myself to become stagnant, i need to keep pushing and also i need to fight these self defeating thoughts, any idea how to combat that? I got to a point where i accepted negative thoughts because i knew it was impossible for them to sustain within me and within a few days i would cheer up, right now i feel panicked and very uptight and i cant seem to shift it. Should i just accept that i will feel like this for a while or is there something i could do?

[once removed]

i need to stop looking at her to fill my inner unhappiness

this too, would be essential whether you want to improve or detach from the relationship.

also i need to fight these self defeating thoughts, any idea how to combat that?

which self defeating thoughts?

[Longterm]

Thoughts that I am not good enough, unloveable etc. I know it's all B.S. but I keep doing it. It's because In essence I have been rejected. I know this disorder is the problem. The ruminating is paralyzing right now.

Therapy cannot come soon enough.

[Longterm]

Well Ok, I just got a call that said that my ex actually cheated on her bf the weekend. Apparently he's kicked her to the curb and was getting annoyed at her calling him my name. I mean, you just can't make this sh1t up .

Fingers crossed she stays away so I can get my head straight, I need to divorce this woman.

[once removed]

how is it going today? any update?

[Longterm]

Hi once removed.

Loads has gone on the past few days. My ex has said some incredibly hurtful things to me and the kids. I'll post more of an update later, I am very busy the next few hours.

[Longterm]

Well as promised, an update.

She has said some nasty things about me to her family, not just me but the kids too, my daughter in particular. She said she never came back for me only the kids, she doesn't love me, what she did was my fault because I would not sweep things under the rug. Just to even say that is puzzling for me, how can you disappear for 18mths and expect there to be no questions asked? There has been arguments and messages sent left right and centre, a huge mess that I just do not have the energy to try and control. The kids are upset/angry. My daughter sent her bf many messages the other night telling him what had gone on and the way she demonized him to everybody who would listen. He said he knows she has told him what he wants to hear, he knows she lies and is in serious need of help, he knows she cheated last week but he just can't find it in him to walk away even though his friends/family are telling him she is bad news. He's fc*ed and he doesn't know it. I know exactly where he is coming from, I did it for 20yrs. He has a lot to learn but it appears that so do I.

She has messaged the daughter telling her she is dead to her and why couldn't she just let her be happy. She also messaged me from a new number also saying I was dead to her too, she never loved me and she was glad she destroyed the family. That last bit really gripped my sh1t and I responded when I know full well I shouldn't have. I did not mince my words and I told her that to say that comment is disgusting and she is selfish to the core.

All the above is fairly irrelevant though.


I feel like absolute sh1t. A few months ago we were all in a much better place and moving house, now we are all angry and depressed. I feel abandoned/rejected and the feelings of worthlessness are overwhelming to the point of severe anxiety and lack of sleep, I'm losing weight and have no incentive to do anything, I could easily have a beer right now and I've not felt like that in a very long time. I feel as though I am almost at day 1 again. Horrendous feeling.

I do know it's all B.S. though. I know I am worth more, I know I am lovable and more importantly I know I won't feel like this forever. I know right now she doesn't care but the roles will become reversed again at some point because she doesn't love him, she doesn't love me, she doesn't love anybody and at some point the depression and shame will consume her. I am fc*ked if I'm going through these feelings again, this is horrible, utterly horrible and depressing. I am so fc*king angry at myself, not so much her because I know deep down that dodging responsibility will not help me, I am where I am because I allowed this to happen even with all the knowledge of this terrible disorder under my belt, it is my own fault.

I have filled in the documents to start the process of divorce, it's only waiting on money right now but I am prioritising it.

I have had enough, I think we all have.