How do I remove my BPD ex from the center of our universe?

[nogginfarm]

  my BPD ex's car got towed.

No one likes getting their car towed. But it became my issue when my ex asked me to cover and be with our daughter while she went to the tow-lot to get the car the next day. I agreed. Then later that day, the crisis was resolved when she got her sister to take her to the tow-lot during lunch break. She would indeed be able to stick to the schedule.   Her car got towed because she parked on the sidewalk. But that's not her fault.

I feel hopeless for a future in which I am subject to the constantly evolving crisis of my BPD ex's life. Even when things are good between us, I am waiting for a text or call to secure some kind of invisible tether to me.

It's often a no-win situation disguised as a kind or thoughtful gesture. Last week it was an "accidental" phone call when she got off work (she had an affair with someone by the same name as me). I just don't know what to do. I asked my attorney about restraining orders, but she isn't harassing or threatening me. Courts don't care about emotional and psychological abuse.

My daughter is 2 years old. She's starting to model some of my ex's behaviors; which I'm fine with, because she has some really brilliant parts about her. The one that concerns me is the rage. Today, my daughter worked herself up into such a scream, my ears rang.

I have so much anxiety for the future. What if my ex starts dating someone who is ACTUALLY abusive (she told other people I am bipolar and abusive)? What if I'm not there to protect my daughter? It's a better situation than living with one BPD parent and a completely disabled parent living in fear of the other (I'm actually physically disabled, but living with the BPD ex was completely disabling).

Is there a way to remove myself from the BPD's mess of a life while still being there for my daughter? My ex will sometimes excuse her behavior and choices by claiming it is in the best interest of our daughter. Should I just roll with this? Is that too passive? I'm finding it impossible to move past the anger and plain disrespect so that I CAN be there (present and whole) for my daughter.

[ForeverDad]

Learn how to step outside the immediate incident — be objective versus subjective.  When we are caught off guard with whatever request/demand, try to give yourself time to ponder it and then respond.

Another way to gain distance (perspective) is to picture yourself a year or five years down the road.  What would your future self consider to be an adequate response?

Also, learn more about Boundaries, yes, a book written by Henry Cloud.  As youi've no doubt learned by now, boundaries are resisted by people with BPD and other acting-out PDs.  Boundaries are for you, so parse them in terms suited for you.

Boundaries will become very important.  People with BPD (pwBPD) generally are consistently inconsistent, driven by their triggers, moods and feelings of the moment.  Also, the Denial is strong in them, Blaming and Blame Shifting are tactics used to make it seem it's always someone else's Fault.

The reality is that you can't live your life on ex's terms.  As long as you allow your ex that power over your life then ex will feel empowered and enabled to control and dictate.  Have you read Henry Cloud's Boundaries?

Boundaries are for you, not her (or him).  You already know you can't tell her what to do or not do.  You can't force her to do or not do something, your power is in your response.  However, what can and does work (though there are limits) is something like this... .
"If you do or don't do ___ then I will do or not do ___."

Examples:
If you start blocking me from our kids... .
... .then I will enforce the parenting schedule, in court if that's what it takes.
If you want extra time for ___... .
... .then I may allow it but with a trade for equivalent time for ___.

When done right "if... .then... ." is powerful.  It took me years to figure how to make boundaries such as these.

Oh, and since this would be a change to your behavior pattern, expect her to flame out with extinction bursts in attempts to make you retreat back into prior compliant, appeasing actions.  She may never fully accept that you will run your own life, but in time she ought to realize you're not acquiescing to her demands as before and not push your boundaries as relentlessly.

[mart555]

I have so much anxiety for the future. What if my ex starts dating someone who is ACTUALLY abusive (she told other people I am bipolar and abusive)? What if I'm not there to protect my daughter? It's a better situation than living with one BPD parent and a completely disabled parent living in fear of the other (I'm actually physically disabled, but living with the BPD ex was completely disabling).

I've got nowhere the experience of foreverdad but I'd say:  Try to stop worrying about the future and the what-ifs.  We cannot predict the behavior of BPDs. You can try as much as you want but they'll always surprise you..

[MeandThee29]

And practice saying no. You don't always have to jump. It sounds like you may still do that at times, but you don't have to every time. You have to manage your life as well.

[david]

It took a while but eventually I realized we were no longer married and she was like any other person (stranger) out there. If some person I didn't know called me up for a ride I would say something that included a no in it. The detaching part takes time, especially when kids are involved.
I used to get 40 to 50 emails a month. I learned to reply to less and less. It took years but I rarely get emails anymore. I do not answer my cell if she calls and she knows it. We separated in 2007 and our youngest is 16 now.

[livednlearned]

If she is offering you additional time with your D2 and you can make it happen, then do whatever works for you (and D2).

"I can get D2 while you get your car. I'll keep D2 with me until tomorrow morning so we have some time together."

If you get a call and she wants you to jump immediately, and you can't, then you have some choices. Either don't answer. Or answer no, "I cannot get D2 on short notice."

Are you concerned that your D2 may have some genetic sensitivities that predispose her to BPD? If so, start reading reading reading and learning everything you can about raising highly sensitive children, emotionally explosive child, etc. She is going to need counter-intuitive parenting and her mom is not going to be able to provide that.