I feel a tremendous amount of guilt over calling the cops

[Cloudy Days]

How do I deal with this? I have been talking to my husband, mainly trying to help him obtain insurance and food stamps but also helping him with other things. I have no doubt in my mind leaving was what I needed to do but I have a tremendous amount of guilt for calling the cops on him. When I called I just couldn't take it anymore I needed to get out. Why do I have so much guilt over it? I am so worried they are going to throw him in jail for years, the charges against him are pretty darn serious . I wish I hadn't said so much to the cops, I wish I hadn't allowed them to photograph me. It is really weighing heavy on my heart. I talk to him now and he is a messed up person who makes no logical decisions. He got money for food and spent it on frapaccino coffees and other sugary foods.

I am having a hard time with depression and intrusive thoughts of what he did to me too. I know I need therapy, I don't have insurance and the main mental health office just pushes pills on you which is not my choice of treatment. I've been through hell I don't think putting a drug in my system is how you deal with it. I guess the longer I am away from him the more I notice a roller coaster of emotions going through me. The guilt of calling the cops outweighs the pain and memories of what he did though. Why? I certainly had every reason to call, he was sadistic to me. I don't feel ok, I spend my time trying to distract myself from my thoughts, at some point I'm going to have to deal with them. But how?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[No-One]

Hi Cloudy Days:
I'm sorry you are having a hard time.  Perhaps you may be ruminating a bit?  Perhaps you could try some journaling and work on changing the script in  your head.  One way is to do some postponing.  You capture those thought, by writing them down, as they come up.  Then, you postpone further thought until an appointed time of day (i.e. between 7 p.m. and 8 p.m.).  The goal is to progressively shorten the planned thought period.

Try working on mindfulness.  There is a great mindfulness app called, Insight Timer.  It's free and available for Android and Apple.  There is a lot to choose from with the app.  You might consider trying out some mindful and relaxation exercises.

I'll share the following, as it might be helpful:
I watched "The Dr. Phil" show yesterday.  I don't know if it airs where you live, but it doesn't matter.  The show featured a couple, where the husband openly admitted that he gained pleasure by beating up his wife. The wife was hanging onto the relationship as all costs.

The list of abusive situations was long.  He thought he killed her twice and was surprised when she gained consciousness.  There was one attempt at drowning her.  After one event, she hid out for a week, so no one could see her beaten face.

The woman's mother appeared on the show, as well.  The mother had called the police, after one beating.  The daughter didn't speak to her mom for 2 years after that.

The show brought in another guest.  She told her personal story about her abusive husband.  Her husband was violent, but hadn't beaten her.  Then, the day came when he set her on fire.  She has had 19 operations and various procedures to try and repair her face and arms, to make them look and function better.  It was a life altering situation for her and she is forever scared - both physically and emotionally.

Don't feel guilty about looking after your personal welfare and taking steps to stay safe.  You can't fix someone else. You can have respect for yourself.  You can forgive him without maintaining a relationship with him.  

Frequently in the news we hear of someone with anger problems that snapped. An innocent person is killed in a road rage event, a workplace killing or some other situation.  By involving the police, you may have saved someone else from harm.  Don't feel guilty.  You may never know what tragedy you could have prevented.  The woman who was set on fire thought her partner would never physically harm her, and he didn't until the day he did. That first time wasn't just a slap, a shove or a black eye.  The first time was extreme.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Cloudydays

I understand your feelings of guilt. I think, for those of us who survived years of an abusive and controlling relationship, there is a certain amount of guilt that comes when we actually make a healthy decision for once and our partner experiences consequences as a result. We are used to receiving blame for all manner of things, and we internalize that, and we tend to see the consequences as a result of our choice(the healthy choice) instead of the result of our partner's choice (the unhealthy or dysfunctional choice).

If I recall, your h is now in a mental health facility instead of jail, correct? Do you think that will influence the outcome of his charges? From my understanding, it isn't easy to get released from jail and into a mental health facility. I was hoping the court would order mental health treatment for my ex, but they simply had him serve nine months and released him back on the street. I have no doubt that he will continue his destructive patterns with the next gf or wife.

You did the right thing for yourself, and that probably feels strange and unfamiliar. Mental illness or not, your h was putting you in danger. These type of situations are best to not be handled alone.

Have you had any luck with connecting with dv services in your area?

[Cloudy Days]

Thank you for your responses, I think I have actually seen that Dr phil, or one similar. The woman had the same story of having oil being thrown on her. It was one of the things I watched directly after leaving my husband. Your responses remind me of just what I could still be going through if I hadn't done what I did. I gives me chills actually, I would probably be covered in bruises and who knows what else.

My husband was released from the mental hospital and is now on his own in our home. I am states away from him. I have been talking to him every day and today he had a major melt down where I turned my phone off. I saved some of his messages so I can remember what I left and why I should not have the guilt. It is so extreme I guess I block it out. I honestly now want to stop talking to him, I just don't want him to destroy the house. If he has nothing to care about he might and it would screw me on being able to get my half of the house. But in reality I really don't care anymore. I took a car full of things and I am fully prepared to never see anything I left again.

I went to a support group of sorts, it wasn't really that helpful. It was 4 people and one of them talked the entire time about herself and things that had nothing to do with domestic violence. I have had to work every other time it is schedualed. I will figure something out. I almost feel like I am in limbo because I know I am gonna have to go back to my house once he gets sentenced. Not for good but it still feels like I can't start my life just yet. I dont want to apply for jobs that I will have to leave, It is difficult to deal with things when the future is so uncertain. It makes me sick to my stomach. I just feel lousy about everything to be honest.

[Borderlined]

Boy do I understand your guilt.  I had a similar situation over a suicide attemp my wife made and i called authorities .One day I'm going to realize that they pit us in these horrible situations and they are the ones that should own the guilt.  I'm willing to bet that you haven't called the cops on too many others in  your life. I have never one time called the cops on anyone else for suicide.  We are the ones owed an apology for putting us in this position.
For me, I'm done letting her illness ruin my life. I've wasted too many years and too much money on the insanity.  The guilt is the grip of this illness struggling to hold you. Getting our own lives back won't be easy. But I promise it'd worth the fight. I can't and won't continue to  live like I have

[No-One]

I went to a support group of sorts, it wasn't really that helpful. It was 4 people and one of them talked the entire time about herself and things that had nothing to do with domestic violence. I have had to work every other time it is scheduled. I will figure something out.

Sorry the support group has been a disappointment.  What would you like to experience in a support group?  Perhaps sharing?  Success stories? 

Hopefully you can attend another session or two and have a different experience.  Perhaps you could chat with the person in charge about the type of support you are looking for.  Too bad they don't have something like AA has where everyone connects with a sponsor.  Maybe  you could connect with one member for support, for perhaps periodic phone chats and maybe a chat over coffee or a meal.

[Cloudy Days]

I'm struggling with talking to him. I know once he gets sentenced I will go no contact. I agree we are owed the apology and your right, he's the only person I have ever called the cops on. He's had the cops called on him or had a run in with the law 7 times since we have known each other. The only other person in my life that can beat that record is my brother who is in prison and has a lot of drug problems. My brother's problems are from stealing, my husband's problems have all been either violent or threatening in nature. I still regret it though because now he keeps talking suicide and I can't really do much about it. He has notoriously said he would do a suicide by cop thing so It's not like I can call them and say stop him from doing this. I both love him and hate him.

Around this time last year he was horrible and did a lot of terrible things to me. I left on July 4th and spent 5 days in a domestic violence shelter before deciding to go back. I still don't quite understand why I went back. He litterally tortured me, used a taser on me and that's about as much detail as I want to give right now. Just know it was very bad. I've been thinking a lot about that time and the things he did. More than what has recently happened. When I went back he was in honeymoon mode and it slowly inched back to a nightmare again. Is there a reason I am dwelling on the things that happened a year ago rather than the things that happend two months ago? I think one of the factors in me leaving is that I didn't want it to get to the level it was at around July 4th. I felt the intensity of his abuse getting there again. I so wish I didn't care about him anymore. I feel like it is a cruel joke my brain is playing on me.

Something else that is bothering me is that I long for somebody to connect with. I don't want to tell all my emotional crap to my friends they are barely trying to be my friends as it is. Which is a total let down. Ive been back for almost a month and the one freind I thought I was at least going to go visit has not invited me over or asked to do anything. I have asked her and was told gently she had too many things to deal with. I've decided to leave it open to her now, I told her my schedual and when I am free. I guess that's all I can do. I am about to plan on living in Arizona once my husband goes to jail and making it a longer term thing.

The one bright thing I can mention is I met a guy at my work who was married to a female version of my husband. I haven't said a whole lot but enough we connected. I think it's too soon for anything like a relationship but just to talk to someone that understands is refreshing. Most people are just shocked and he came back with the exact emotions I am feeling. Only a survivor understands it.