Phone checking

[Noobie]

One habit I've noticed that my partner has is checking my phone, mostly when I'm not around. I've decided to try and put a boundary in place for this as I feel it's an invasion of privacy, although I have nothing to hide. My partner is convinced I am having an affair, I'm definitely not, and she has taken my phone to check my messages regularly. Most recently she checked my phone while I was in the room with her, and she saw I was signed up to this forum, which later caused her to rage at me again. She was furious that I 'need a support group to be in a relationship with her' Is this common for those suffering with BPD?

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[Butane]

My H has looked at my phone when I've been out of the room and over my shoulder, and scans the screen when my e-mail is open. I don't have an affair to hide, but it still makes me nervous, thinking "what is he looking for, what if there's something innocent that he misinterprets?". If he saw this website, he would be very upset.

[Sweetpea18]

Had the same issue, either way the fear of cheating was never abated.  When I gave her the password, she checked incessantly, and would then accuse me of "deleting" messages before she could read them.  Finally, put the boundary in and locked the phone permanently, and she did the same.  I realized my privacy was more important, and kept it locked...either way, it was a trigger for her, and at least she couldn't read my messages and misconstrue them and then we fight about that.  It's a tough situation, I guess you have to do what you can live with...

[Borderlined]

For me this would become a breaking point. If I was trying 20x harder at a relationship where you should be given Atta Boys but instead I was constantly being accused of cheating at some point I'd have to set a fiRm boundary. 

Had the same issue, either way the fear of cheating was never abated.  When I gave her the password, she checked incessantly, and would then accuse me of "deleting" messages before she could read them.  Finally, put the boundary in and locked the phone permanently, and she did the same.  I realized my privacy was more important, and kept it locked...either way, it was a trigger for her, and at least she couldn't read my messages and misconstrue them and then we fight about that.  It's a tough situation, I guess you have to do what you can live with.
I'd have to say how her constant accusations hurt your feelings.  I would tell her I love her.And no longer will she check my phone.At this point it becomes about you.  Lock the phone.  And it's done. Keep your contacts in the cloud in the event she puts it in the Microwave.
And a last small but important thinh5,be sure you have no glitter on you from the go go bar on your pants.just saying. The boundary is about you. It'd her time too work on this issues 
I will tell you I had a GF when we were split up. It was heaven. I couldn't believe how happy I felt with this mentally healthy girl.I'll sincerely say those were the best days of my adult life. But I don't love that great girl, i love my wife. And I'll support her until I cant.

[Chosen]

Have a boundary- an actual one: add a password to your phone, or apps which will help respect your privacy.  Don't count on her to stop checking your phone.  She does it because she can.  And if she asks for a reason why you added a password (you can add it gradually, I mean gradually adding more apps), make stuff up if you need, but for goodness sake don't say it's to keep her from checking it!  Say stuff like "I think it's better to lock my accounts in case I lose my phone.  Don't want strangers hacking into my account!"

If my yBPDh knew about my involvement on this site, he would divorce me, I have no doubt about it.  This is why I would suggest NOT telling a pwBPD that you're in a support group from being in a relationship with them- especially if they haven't been diagnosed or don't admit they have a problem.  I would only go on this site at work, and would never, ever use the home computer/ phone to check anything on here.  This message board is my lifeline; I can't NOT have access to it so I need to hide it!

[Noobie]

Trouble is I don't have access to a computer at work, not that there are many computers there anyway. I have used this site to educate myself on what my partner says she thinks she is suffering with, and not to run her down or complain about her. That much I have told her, I felt it important to be as open as possible. I have changed my pin to my phone also, hopefully this will be an end to what's been happening.

[Butane]

If my yBPDh knew about my involvement on this site, he would divorce me, I have no doubt about it.  This is why I would suggest NOT telling a pwBPD that you're in a support group from being in a relationship with them- especially if they haven't been diagnosed or don't admit they have a problem.  I would only go on this site at work, and would never, ever use the home computer/ phone to check anything on here.  This message board is my lifeline; I can't NOT have access to it so I need to hide it!

Oh my gosh, that sounds paranoid, but is exactly how I feel too... there have been numerous times in the past that I've been suspicious that H tried to log into an account if mine (ex. Notified of login attempts from a new device, ex. He seems to know something that I thought was confidential). I'm not very tech savvy unfortunately. I've even wondered if he might somehow have "connected" our phones without me knowing. I feel like I must be suffering from paranoia at times! But there are numerous incidents of snooping that are indisputable.

[Chosen]

That much I have told her, I felt it important to be as open as possible.

Reality check: we should be open in a relationship, I'm NOT encouraging you to lie to her, but you don't have to tell your partner everything, especially when something is proven to be unhelpful.  If it works for you and she understands your intentions, then it's working for you, and that's great.  In my case, though, I'm sure by sharing stuff like this would be giving my uBPDh more ammo to attack me when the occasion arise (if this in itself is not enough of a trigger...).

To my knowledge, my H does not snoop and doesn't do things behind my back.  He had read my messages before because my phone wasn't locked and it was on the message page.  So I avoid that now by logging off and putting password locks on relevant apps.  If you're with a snooper though, things may be more complicated because they may try to log in anyway... even so, passwords will deter them a bit at least!

[COLB]

The reality is it does not stop with checking the phone.  I suffered through the phone checking and email checking thinking the totally open approach would solve the problem.  It only exacerbated it by giving my BPDw things to twist into other things.  EG: If I texted my secretary if she was feeling better after having the flue I was having an affair with her.  If I texted her parents to tell them how the children were I was not supporting her and sucking up to them and going to leave her.  She would accuse me of deleting texts (which did not happen).  She would go through our phone bill every month and play "stump the husband" on who each number was.  I loved being accused of having an affair with all of the robo calls...(my 9 year old jokes that my best friend is Scam Likely).  I finally put a password and established a boundary which has helped somewhat but will never completely stop it.

[2020]

I had the phone checking too... then I got rid of the phone completely. That was four years ago. It was just too much trouble. Not so much the checking, but the abusive texting. Emails have been a MASSIVE problem however. I have had my partner search my emails for any contact at all from my children's mother. It has caused huge dramas, even if she finds an email from five years ago. At first I brushed it aside. Then I told her I had nothing to hide or be ashamed of and she can look all she likes. Recently I had issues with Apple Mail so I stopped using it and now check my emails manually on Yahoo. She does not have the password. I think this has worked best. She can accuse me all she likes of having relationships or affairs with whoever, it is just that she can not find so called evidence.

At night when I close the curtains, it is not because I am doing something wrong or I have something to hide; it is for privacy. There is nothing wrong with that. Try telling your partner that though!

[Red5]

#Me2

Going through the phone, Facebook, email...

And same here,  I’ve nothing to hide, drives (drove) me nuts.

I let her have all the passwords and let her have full access, but it didn’t quell her desire to snoop, she would even ‘answer’ emails and texts “for me”... on the myriad of ‘devices’ round the house and ‘inform’ me afterwards... yeah ; (

But do I... did I do the same... uh’ no,

In my world (old world thinking/upbringing), a ladies... my wife’s iPhone... email, her social media are like a woman’s purse... forbidden territory... like the ladies dressing room, strictly off limits...

I have an autistic son like 2020, he is 32, he lives with me permanently... so his mother (exwife) does come to town to see him sometimes... that would set off all kinds of mayhem as she would email or else call beforehand... ugh ; (

I really don’t have a good answer as to what to do about it...

Although I created several ‘other’ email accounts just to have some privacy... ie’ work stuff and to connect here and other places  ... other than giving them full access to try and ‘keep them occupied’... I really don’t know.

We were together eleven years... married eight of those years,  now separated... and I’ve not one single time “looked through her stuff”... don’t even know her passwords... she even tried to give them to me...  but I told her...”no, that’s yours not mine”... “if you want me to see or read something you’ll show it to me”...

Parting shot though, kill the “notification” app, and turn off the ringer... I remember she would almost stop in the middle of the highway to look-see if she heard that ding “you’ve got mail”... yeah, turn that stuff •-> OFF   !

Oh’ well...

Red5

[COLB]

To add on with the boundaries:
After being gas lighted on social media I completely removed my BPDw from my Facebook and Linkedin.  She has tried to friend me since but I have told her this is a boundary I had to establish because of her previous actions (when she had access she would go in and attack family members like my parents, my cousins, our children her family.  She would also send messages and posts about how horrible they were and how I was as well.  When I cut off access she would get my phone and attack.  It was not uncommon for friends to call me and say "you need to check your FB, someone is posting for you").  I also blocked her cell for a period when I was getting literally 150 nasty texts a day.  At first I turned off notifications but realized I had to stop the behavior. She still tries to push for total transparency but that has not worked and will not work with a BPD IMO.  It all comes back to boundaries that you can enforce and live with...

B