Making Contact with Ex

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've been in a period of NC for around a month, now. I last contacted my ex with an email that I'd sent, talking about how it would be nice to try and sort things out and expressing that I understood her need for distance when things became overwhelming, as well as other things. There was no response.

Myself and this person had not been dating very long, around six months. We've known each other for a year and a half, as we attend university together. There's always been 'chemistry' between us and we started dating after a while of flirting.

She has ended things twice; the first time because I hadn't responded to a text message and she became convinced I was lying to her, and said she didn't trust me. She told me in no uncertain terms that it was over, and I was very upset. There was then a period of silence where she didn't respond to me, and came into university and avoided me. We ended up drifting back together as we were put in the same university group project, and she went back to idealising me, contacting me at all hours, spending time with me etc.

We then carried on dating until at the beginning of March she exploded with anger at me during a visit to her family's house because she perceived my mood to be "bad" and accused me of disrespecting her and her family, and raged at me in front of everyone, then kicked me out of the sister's house - despite me not actually doing anything to warrant such a thing. She then broke up with me via message about an hour later.

After that, we had some intermittent contact where she wanted us to be friends, but I was unable to as I found it difficult emotionally. I tried to approach her about this and we argued, and she blocked me. The next morning she unblocked me and said we could "start again and forget about all this" and that was the last thing she ever said to me. She avoided me in class, and I sent a handful of messages that she also ignored.

I then left it for around two weeks and tried again. I wouldn't have done this but as with the first break up, a break in contact then contact seemed to 'work' in getting her to re engage with me. She didn't respond.

I then left it another three weeks, and sent a very polite email which wasn't blaming her or angry or pleading or anything, saying that I'd like it if we could be friends, and that I valued her as a person etc. No response. I haven't made contact now for just over a month.

I think it's possible she is with someone else, at this stage. To be honest, I am feeling all sorts of things - most of the time I just feel sick with anxiety and confusion about the way in which she had the anger outburst and ended things. I know it is the way the disorder works, but I find that it seems to be too much for my brain to really handle.

I feel like I want to make contact with her - not even to try and get back into the relationship, but to ask her why she did this, or to express my confusion, or something, I don't even know. She just seems to be off living her life with no real understanding of the consequences or way in which her actions have impacted me. I'm severely depressed, anxious, and I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. To go from speaking to someone every day and seeing them almost every day to nothing, over something that didn't have to happen, my mind and body can't seem to comprehend it.

Then I have to see at at university, and the mere thought of it makes me feel sick. She is an expert at avoidance, and will act as if I don't exist, and laugh and smile with everyone, and I'll have to sit in the same room as her for six months. I have had panic attacks just thinking about it.

I'm sorry I keep making posts on here but this is my only outlet/support, and it feels as if the more time that passes, the worse I feel.

I think the option I have left is to make contact with her, because I've tried NOT doing it, and I don't feel better in any way. I have never expressed or asked her why she did any of this, and maybe that's what I need to do? I don't know.

[clvrnn]

I've been in a period of NC for around a month, now. I last contacted my ex with an email that I'd sent, talking about how it would be nice to try and sort things out and expressing that I understood her need for distance when things became overwhelming, as well as other things. There was no response.

Myself and this person had not been dating very long, around six months. We've known each other for a year and a half, as we attend university together. There's always been 'chemistry' between us and we started dating after a while of flirting.

She has ended things twice; the first time because I hadn't responded to a text message and she became convinced I was lying to her, and said she didn't trust me. She told me in no uncertain terms that it was over, and I was very upset. There was then a period of silence where she didn't respond to me, and came into university and avoided me. We ended up drifting back together as we were put in the same university group project, and she went back to idealising me, contacting me at all hours, spending time with me etc.

We then carried on dating until at the beginning of March she exploded with anger at me during a visit to her family's house because she perceived my mood to be "bad" and accused me of disrespecting her and her family, and raged at me in front of everyone, then kicked me out of the sister's house - despite me not actually doing anything to warrant such a thing. She then broke up with me via message about an hour later.

After that, we had some intermittent contact where she wanted us to be friends, but I was unable to as I found it difficult emotionally. I tried to approach her about this and we argued, and she blocked me. The next morning she unblocked me and said we could "start again and forget about all this" and that was the last thing she ever said to me. She avoided me in class, and I sent a handful of messages that she also ignored.

I then left it for around two weeks and tried again. I wouldn't have done this but as with the first break up, a break in contact then contact seemed to 'work' in getting her to re engage with me. She didn't respond.

I then left it another three weeks, and sent a very polite email which wasn't blaming her or angry or pleading or anything, saying that I'd like it if we could be friends, and that I valued her as a person etc. No response. I haven't made contact now for just over a month.

I think it's possible she is with someone else, at this stage. To be honest, I am feeling all sorts of things - most of the time I just feel sick with anxiety and confusion about the way in which she had the anger outburst and ended things. I know it is the way the disorder works, but I find that it seems to be too much for my brain to really handle.

I feel like I want to make contact with her - not even to try and get back into the relationship, but to ask her why she did this, or to express my confusion, or something, I don't even know. She just seems to be off living her life with no real understanding of the consequences or way in which her actions have impacted me. I'm severely depressed, anxious, and I feel like I'm on the verge of a breakdown. To go from speaking to someone every day and seeing them almost every day to nothing, over something that didn't have to happen, my mind and body can't seem to comprehend it.

Then I have to see at at university, and the mere thought of it makes me feel sick. She is an expert at avoidance, and will act as if I don't exist, and laugh and smile with everyone, and I'll have to sit in the same room as her for six months. I have had panic attacks just thinking about it.

I'm sorry I keep making posts on here but this is my only outlet/support, and it feels as if the more time that passes, the worse I feel.

I think the option I have left is to make contact with her, because I've tried NOT doing it, and I don't feel better in any way. I have never expressed or asked her why she did any of this, and maybe that's what I need to do? I don't know.

[Skip]

I feel like I want to make contact with her - not even to try and get back into the relationship, but to ask her why she did this, or to express my confusion, or something, I don't even know.

This stuff hurts like hell, clvrnn.   

I think there are two issues right now.

1. How can you constructively salvage the relationship? 2. How do you cope with the uncertainty and feelings of loss?

These are not one in the same - in fact the same action for both with likely be the worst action, for both.

In short, the answer to number one is get yourself in primo shape before class begins. Work out, get some clothes, some new music, get a life in gear. In other words, make yourself as attractive as possible. You can chat with folks here about how to do this.

The answer to number two is recognize that she (no women) is going to help you grieve or sort a breakup out. To them it will be clingy and unattractive. Have that conversation here, you will likely get better information if you supply good observations for members to work with.

What does she like to do?  The best thing might be to invite her out to do that. Bypass the whole break-up, wounded thing.

This stuff hurts. Relationship dramas suck our energy out. There is no way around that. The best thing is to adopt the fact that you are in a uncertain and uncomfortable position and put a time frame on it and then work with it.

When will you see her at school?

[clvrnn]

Hey Skip,

The answer to number two is recognize that she (no women) is going to help you grieve or sort a breakup out. To them it will be clingy and unattractive. Have that conversation here, you will likely get better information if you supply good observations for members to work with.

That's a fair point, and I don't disagree. I wouldn't usually hang on to someone in this way. It's more that the whole thing was incredibly intense, and then there was nothing. I have had break ups before, and I haven't felt this way. Haven't felt as confused, as depressed, as anxious.

What does she like to do?  The best thing might be to invite her out to do that. Bypass the whole break-up, wounded thing.

The thing is, I tried that whole lighthearted approach, sent her a neutral song I thought she'd like and asked her about her grades (she's a musician) - She didn't respond. She hasn't responded to anything I've said since two weeks after the day she ended things, after an argument we had where, afterwards, she said we could start again and be friends. That was the last thing she said to me. There has been no interaction from her since that. I have no idea what headspace she is in.

When will you see her at school?

In October. This will be our last year.

[clvrnn]

I think it's way past trying to make myself look attractive in a bid to get her attention again, or try to salvage the relationship.

I don't understand why it is ME that is feeling as if I have done something wrong, being ignored, being afraid to contact her - contacting her isn't to help me grieve or to help me through things. It's to ask her directly why she did all of this, and why has she consistently done this to me.

Asking her to go do something she likes? I don't think I really care enough to give away more of my dignity to someone who ditched me in a really traumatic way, told me it was my fault, told me to apologise, then started ignoring me because I couldn't suddenly become friends with her in the way she wanted me to - after going through the traumatic 'discard' and following all the countless never-ending rules of the new friendship she wanted.

Whether or not she finds me attractive or unattractive at this stage is not really of my concern. I'm a woman myself, so don't operate in the same way as men, hence the emotional connect/side of things. Working out and whatever else isn't going to draw her to me.

The fact is that she has this disorder and ditched me for no reason. And now I have to pay the price, feeling and going through all of this.

[Skip]

I'm a woman myself...

I didn't catch this... sorry. 

contacting her isn't to help me grieve or to help me through things. It's to ask her directly why she did all of this, and why has she consistently done this to me.

I tend to think of this as a question we ask in grief. As in "why lord do you give my young child cancer?" I know I asked Why?. I asked it in a lot of ways.

What is the range of answers could she give that would have you say, "OK, thanks, you answered my question, that's all I needed". You know her well. Is there such an answer?

Or are you possibly asking a rhetorical question? Like "tell me why you are such a careless, insensitive, jerk?"

The fact is that she has this disorder and ditched me for no reason.

Is this the answer?

For me, the hardest thing is just being ignored... like we are meaningless and worth nothing. Hearing back in any form would tell us that we are not seen as meaningless and worthless. The silent treatment is very hard for anyone to take.

Is this possibly it?

[clvrnn]

What is the range of answers could she give that would have you say, "OK, thanks, you answered my question, that's all I needed". You know her well. Is there such an answer?

There is nothing she could say to me that would help me. in the past she has never shown compassion or empathy and has always been rude and aggressive or just ignored me. so i can't see why that would change now.

Or are you possibly asking a rhetorical question? Like "tell me why you are such a careless, insensitive, jerk?"

This is it, I think. Just telling her what I think.

For me, the hardest thing is just being ignored... like we are meaningless and worth nothing. Hearing back in any form would tell us that we are not seen as meaningless and worthless. The silent treatment is very hard for anyone to take.

Is this possibly it?

Yes. She just stopped talking to me and I feel terrible, worthless. Even if all she did was say you know what I"m sorry for doing that to you - but she would never say that. The silence has been the worst thing, I would have at least even dealt better with "don't contact me" but she's said nothing. not a word.

[Skip]

And all that aside, you would like her to reach out and make things right.

That's why this is so hard. The situation has you in a place where you are fighting against yourself. I lived it too. She pulled out in a way that leaves you hurt and spinning.

It sucks.

Most of the time (not always) what is happening is not you focused - it is "she" focused. She got something going and either is too consumed by it, too embarrassed by it (to you), or it's too awkward to resolve. I'm not saying that it is another women, it could anything.

You want to hear from her, right?

[clvrnn]

And all that aside, you would like her to reach out and make things right.

That's why this is so hard. The situation has you in a place where you are fighting against yourself. I lived it too. She pulled out in a way that leaves you hurt and spinning.

It sucks.

Most of the time (not always) what is happening is not you focused - it is "she" focused. She got something going and either is too consumed by it, too embarrassed by it (to you), or it's too awkward to resolve. I'm not saying that it is another women, it could anything.

You want to hear from her, right?

I'm sorry to hear that you also went through it. Yes, all just so sudden, just as things seemed to be getting more close between us (which I know is the pattern). When you say she's got something going on, you just mean something emotion/feeling based, don't you?

I do think she's talking to or dating others, even though she said relationships are difficult for her. Who knows.

Yes, I would like to hear from her. But I can't see that happening, really. She seems to have made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me from her silence

[Skip]

Most of the time (not always) what is happening is not you focused - it is "she" focused. She got something going and either is too consumed by it, too embarrassed by it (to you), or it's too awkward to resolve. I'm not saying that it is another women, it could anything.

Do you think this is possible ^^

[clvrnn]

Do you think this is possible ^^

Maybe. I don't know, anymore. It's been such a long time, that I don't even think I figure in her thoughts, anymore.

[Skip]

Do you want to share that last email? Maybe we can work a "whats next" from there.

[clvrnn]

Do you want to share that last email? Maybe we can work a "whats next" from there.

The last email I sent to her?

[Skip]

Yes.

[clvrnn]

To be honest I deleted it.

But the gist of it was that it was (and I really tried hard to use this 'DEARMAN' technique) that I spoke about the current situation, us not speaking. I said that I understood why she may not have responded (due to feeling overwhelmed with the situation/conflict), and that perhaps some of my own issues were at play in the negatives, too.

I expressed then it didn't feel nice to fall out (for either of us), and that it would be good to perhaps talk about things or if she didn't want to, to do something fun and forget about everything that had happened. Something like that. I mentioned a couple of things we used to do, and said it would be nice to get back to being positive with each other. Then I think I just signed off with something like 'hope you're well' or something.

I wish I still had the email but I deleted it because I didn't want to keep going over it and picking it apart. It took me a few days to write it, because I was being very careful not to use triggering language or anything that could be seen as blame-shifting, or anything like that.