Update Since Then

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I think I left my ongoing adventures with my ex at the point when she told me that she was pregnant.

Of course, she claimed that she'd taken two over-the-counter pregnancy tests and they turned out positive. She's supposedly 7 weeks along now. A week and half ago, we did meet up because she feared that she might be losing the baby and wanted me to spend some time with her so she could fall asleep.

Foolishly, I complied. She told me that she was being selfish and just wanted someone to tell her that everything will be okay, etc. Few days later, I offered to make her some dinner because she's been feeling ill and stuff. She began talking about options that we could take about this child. She doesn't want an abortion, so the closest thing will be her miscarrying. She also considered adoption or some sort of co-parenting strategy. I simply told her that we need to consider each option carefully.

Truth is, I don't know if she's really pregnant. I've never seen the tests, and she hasn't started doctor's appointments yet. I don't think I can believe her until I am in the room with the ultrasound tech and see it with my own eyes. Even then, I would demand a paternity test when appropriate.

What furthered reinforced my view that she was using me was that she wanted some physical intimacy. Sadly, I complied.

Just yesterday, after she complained about her feeling ill and throwing up, I offered to pick some stuff up for her at the store to help her out. She declined, but I swung by her place after shopping just to see if she was okay. I was met with hostile texts after with her asking me what did I want, etc. It's funny because the night ago, she was all friendly and stuff asking me about how work was going and exchanging some pleasantries.

I've never dealt with a pregnant woman, but this just seems off. The only correct move I've made so far is to not directly challenge her claims of being pregnant and asked her if I could accompany her to one of her appointments. I mean, if she's 6-7 weeks along now, I should be able to see something in a couple of months, right?

[Leonis]

I think I left my ongoing adventures with my ex at the point when she told me that she was pregnant.

Of course, she claimed that she'd taken two over-the-counter pregnancy tests and they turned out positive. She's supposedly 7 weeks along now. A week and half ago, we did meet up because she feared that she might be losing the baby and wanted me to spend some time with her so she could fall asleep.

Foolishly, I complied. She told me that she was being selfish and just wanted someone to tell her that everything will be okay, etc. Few days later, I offered to make her some dinner because she's been feeling ill and stuff. She began talking about options that we could take about this child. She doesn't want an abortion, so the closest thing will be her miscarrying. She also considered adoption or some sort of co-parenting strategy. I simply told her that we need to consider each option carefully.

Truth is, I don't know if she's really pregnant. I've never seen the tests, and she hasn't started doctor's appointments yet. I don't think I can believe her until I am in the room with the ultrasound tech and see it with my own eyes. Even then, I would demand a paternity test when appropriate.

What furthered reinforced my view that she was using me was that she wanted some physical intimacy. Sadly, I complied.

Just yesterday, after she complained about her feeling ill and throwing up, I offered to pick some stuff up for her at the store to help her out. She declined, but I swung by her place after shopping just to see if she was okay. I was met with hostile texts after with her asking me what did I want, etc. It's funny because the night ago, she was all friendly and stuff asking me about how work was going and exchanging some pleasantries.

I've never dealt with a pregnant woman, but this just seems off. The only correct move I've made so far is to not directly challenge her claims of being pregnant and asked her if I could accompany her to one of her appointments. I mean, if she's 6-7 weeks along now, I should be able to see something in a couple of months, right?

[fromheeltoheal]

I dunno, claims of pregnancy are a very common way for a borderline, and some women, to keep a guy attached.  From my detached role here as internet stranger, I'd insist she prove it, and prove that it's yours, and she's not pregnant and it's not yours until she does.  Of course that may start a war, and then it goes back to what's the goal?  If the goal is to remove her from your life and emotionally detach from her, then eliminating ways for her to stay attached is important, and borderlines hate to lose attachments, it's the worst thing that could happen, so she will try and try again.  So what's the goal?

[Leonis]

So what's the goal?

The goal here is to remove her from my life. I would prefer not to directly challenge that claim right now. I did tell her that I would like to attend her appointments with the doctor.

Obviously, she can only pull a fake for so long.

[married21years]

has she announced it outside you two?

[fromheeltoheal]

I did tell her that I would like to attend her appointments with the doctor.

Is that necessary?  It will be obvious eventually if she's pregnant, and non-invasive paternity tests can be done before the child is born, by a doctor you hire if you insist, so you could get all the info you need from a distance, and decide what you're going to do from there.

I realize that's a hard line, but considering your going to her doctor's appointment with her might be exactly what she wants, to retain the attachment, goes back to the goal and how badly do you want it?  I'm not promoting a stance especially, although when you say you "foolishly complied" with her requests, you may not be strong enough, haven't taken enough power back yet, to resist ongoing attachment, so it may take a doubly-hard effort to break free.  Just sayin'... .

[Leonis]

has she announced it outside you two?

As far as I know... .no. I think part of her is hoping that the baby would just miscarry and go away.

Is that necessary? [... .]you may not be strong enough, haven't taken enough power back yet, to resist ongoing attachment, so it may take a doubly-hard effort to break free.  Just sayin'... .

You are right. I am probably not strong enough. I guess I just want to make sure she ain't bluffing me. It's kind of difficult for me to start a new dating life when I have no clue if my ex is actually pregnant or not. I don't want to be surprised a few months down the road and have it complicates my situation further.

[Leonis]

If the goal is to remove her from your life and emotionally detach from her, then eliminating ways for her to stay attached is important, and borderlines hate to lose attachments, it's the worst thing that could happen, so she will try and try again.

I was reflecting on this line today. It's actually ironic that she told me that she would like to consider adoption because she doesn't want any attachment to anyone or anything.

[married21years]

if she hasnt announced it it dosnt exist

two choices force a pregnancy test or announce it.

once a lie gets into the public domain it is uncontrollable.

this is when things start to unravel

pwBPD need secrecy to lie and get away with it

publicizing what i was told meant her lies unraveled and the lie fell apart and i got to the truth 

downside she may get pregnant to cover up the lie

good luck

[Leonis]

She texted me earlier tonight saying that she may have miscarried and she's gonna buy a pregnancy test to find out.

I didn't respond because I didn't check my phone until hours later. It's starting to feel like she's making things up.

[Leonis]

Of course, the follow up messages today were disturbing.

She talked about how she's underweight, throwing up, having fevers and chills, and diarrhea. I urged her to go to the doctor's, but she declined. She later asked me to buy her a pregnancy test. I'm not sure why because she said that it helps her determine if she wants to go to the doctor this week or next week. As I was about to enter the store, she texted me and told me to not worry about it. This eventually went on to about how it was probably too embarrassing for me because it's like her buying a box of condoms.

Sounds like she's playing the blame game again. I didn't respond to her taunting comments.

Later tonight, she texted me the following responses that I found extremely disturbing:

"I hate what I've become while dating you. I hope hell grants me a second chance someday." I asked her if she was okay. To which, she responded,

"If I'm going to be such a terrible person, I want to do it with absolutely perfection. "

"I feel like you perceive me as out to get you. I may as well start acting the part to its entirely." I replied with "And fulfil something you think that I think about you. Sounds reasonable... ."

"No, just to sabotage you. Just to see you in pain. I think we need to have less contact with each other." This was freaking disturbing.

She then went on about how she's feeling sick and just thinks about angry thoughts in bed. How she doubts my sincerity about being concerned. She talked about how I got what I wanted and knocked her up, etc.

To top it off, she ended it with "This conversation is so frustrating to me. You don't understand what I'm saying." before she texted good night.

What in the world is happening?

 

[Fr4nz]

Maybe -- at this point -- it's better if you protect yourself and cut off every possible contact. Block her everywhere... .can you do it?

Also, save every message she sends you (they may be useful if she's really pregnant and in case of legal troubles... .however, I doubt it, at this point).

She's really a nightmare.

[fromheeltoheal]

What in the world is happening?

What's happening is you're having pretty heavy conversations by text with someone who exhibits traits of a personality disorder.  What a borderline says and what a borderline does can be radically different, and text is a very weak form of communication, where a lot of the true meaning can get lost.  If you are going to communicate with her, in person is best, and the phone is next because at least you get the tone of voice and it's in real time, but if all of that is too much and the goal is to detach anyway, you might want to consider not texting with her, or if you do, very short messages that don't say much.

And the big picture is you're done, but she's keeping you hooked by claiming she's pregnant, which you're beginning to doubt, do I have that right Leonis?

[Mr Orange]

What a nightmare. You said earlier in the thread you mentioned accompanying her to one of her appointments. What was her reaction to that? Personally, I would want to go to the first doc appt to know one way or the other if she's even pregnant. I suspect if she's intentionally lying you would be met with a lot of resistance, and you would pretty much know at that point. However, I also see the point others have made that going with her to the appointment may just keep you further engaged in this mess. I don't know, cutting contact as much as possible is about the best advice I could give. I really feel for you bro, this is terrible.

[Leonis]

Block her everywhere... .can you do it?

Also, save every message she sends... .

I've been doing that whenever she says something strange. She's aware of it too because she made mentions of it. The only line of communication I have with her is the phone. That's it.

If you are going to communicate with her, in person is best, and the phone is next because at least you get the tone of voice and it's in real time... .but she's keeping you hooked by claiming she's pregnant, which you're beginning to doubt, do I have that right Leonis?

I don't think she wants to see me in person because when I tried to see her a few days ago when she kept saying how awful she was feeling, she didn't even bother answer the door.

I'm beginning to doubt if the pregnancy is real simply because the last time I saw her, which was probably 2 weeks ago, she looked way underweight. In fact, she even told me that she's barely 90lbs and it's due to the fact that she can't keep anything down after she eats.

You said earlier in the thread you mentioned accompanying her to one of her appointments. What was her reaction to that? Personally, I would want to go to the first doc appt to know one way or the other if she's even pregnant.

Yes. She was not against it. She did tell me that she'd have to be 8 weeks along to go into the doctor's and see. I want to be there just to be sure. If she, for whatever reason, changes her mind, I will probably dismiss the pregnant story altogether. Speaking of being pregnant, she also told me that how she really wants an abortion because she can't deal with feeling ill. The shift in attitude is really what made me think she's faking it all.

[fromheeltoheal]

If you are going to communicate with her, in person is best, and the phone is next because at least you get the tone of voice and it's in real time... .but she's keeping you hooked by claiming she's pregnant, which you're beginning to doubt, do I have that right Leonis?

I don't think she wants to see me in person because when I tried to see her a few days ago when she kept saying how awful she was feeling, she didn't even bother answer the door.

So what do you want?  In any case, try not to communicate big issues by text, it just adds to the confusion.

I'm beginning to doubt if the pregnancy is real simply because the last time I saw her, which was probably 2 weeks ago, she looked way underweight. In fact, she even told me that she's barely 90lbs and it's due to the fact that she can't keep anything down after she eats.

I'd say you're pretty sure she isn't pregnant at this point.  And if she was pregnant and that sick, she'd be at the doctor seeing what's wrong, for the health of the baby, although whatever she tells you has a good chance of being a lie at this point yes?

[Leonis]

And if she was pregnant and that sick, she'd be at the doctor seeing what's wrong, for the health of the baby, although whatever she tells you has a good chance of being a lie at this point yes?

Or spite. I don't know which one is more real. She did mention she's debating seeing the doctor either this week or next week.

[freemanstrut]

How many times has she brought up the subject of miscarriage?

Kinda seems like she's already laying the groundwork the eventual retraction of her pregnancy claim.

[bunny4523]

How many times has she brought up the subject of miscarriage?

Kinda seems like she's already laying the groundwork the eventual retraction of her pregnancy claim.

I agree.  I think she may have created this "pregnancy" to get a reaction out of you with the intention of "miscarrying" at some point.  She isn't getting enough of a reaction out of you so now she is getting angry.  I think the fever, chills... .might all be to show she is sick so you aren't surprised when she miscarries. 

You need to be careful and stay away from her, hope this is a fake pregnancy and don't get yourself into a situation where she really ends up pregnant... .

Eeeeeeeee, get out and stay out before it gets creepier!

Bunny

[Leonis]

You need to be careful and stay away from her, hope this is a fake pregnancy and don't get yourself into a situation where she really ends up pregnant... .

It's amazing how a situation like this changed my entire attitude about her. I really want her gone out of my life now.

[Fr4nz]

Yes, it's really scary... .

[Leonis]

Yes, it's really scary... .

She also alternates between friendly & "we are just not a good combo" to hateful "I just have angry thoughts". Makes me wonder if she'll do something crazy one of those times.

[Leonis]

So...um

Yeah, I'm here to give a quick version of what happened.

- The pregnancy was not fake.

- She was lovey-dovey again during that time when she kept it from her family (probably as a fall back option)

- When her family, and particularly her mother, was involved, everything went south

- Nasty legal battle; she accused me of many terrible things including rape, etc. She even had random people I hardly interacted with to testify against me

- She has sole custody and I only have visitation rights.

- She's been a bit calmer now since our last legal battle early 2018 on child's medical expenses

- I am not sure if she's dating anyone except that she had written something along the lines "Jerry + Mom love (name of our child) on her parents driveway.

- It makes me feel a bit mad that someone who could accuse me of terrible things seem to be having a grander time than I am.

[Longterm]

- It makes me feel a bit mad that someone who could accuse me of terrible things seem to be having a grander time than I am.

That's typical borderline right there. I really feel for you mate. We're you present at the birth at all?

[Leonis]

That's typical borderline right there. I really feel for you mate. We're you present at the birth at all?

I was. I watched the doctor perform C-section and fished him out of her.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Leonis, sounds like you've been trough some really tough times. Break-ups and custody decisions are taxing at the best of times, and with the emotional instability of someone with BPD in the mix, things get complicated. Accusing you of rape is terrible.

Have you been able to start dating or seeing someone? Or is it something you aren't ready for yet?

How often do you get to see your boy?

Thank you for coming back with an update.

[Leonis]

Have you been able to start dating or seeing someone? Or is it something you aren't ready for yet?

No. I don't feel ready. To be honest, I don't think I will be trusting anyone any time soon.

How often do you get to see your boy?

Minimum guaranteed by the state since my ex is a pain in the butt when it comes to disagreements.

Basically, I have one short visit of 3 hours per week. Have him every other weekend (Fri-Sun). Then, I have him for some holidays and "school break" even though he's too young to be in school.

Thank you for coming back with an update.

Yeah you know...just crawling back.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Yeah you know...just crawling back.

The doors are always open here any time, so just crawl on back in.

I don't have any kids, but it pains me to hear stories like yours. Remember that we have the Legal board if you need help with trying to change the custody order. They are really great over there.

I think it's good to take your time with dating again. I'm quite fresh out (1 year ago since separation, 4 months since final break-up). I can't see myself dating yet. Taking time to heal and getting stronger and healthier is priority.

[once removed]

wow.

its good to see you again, Leonis. i wish it were under better circumstances.

how are you holding up?

[Leonis]

how are you holding up?

Better, for the most part. The crazier part of the custody battle and smear campaign stopped after the first year. Although, her family is not making things easy. She's made mentions of rape to other people, including my friend's parents, who allow me to use their house for weekly short visits. She was rebuked by them through email (she sent the email to them). Another case is when I went and got my son's medical records from the first pediatrician. I noticed she said the same thing to the medical staff (i.e. father was violent and had raped her several times). I sent in an amendment addressing those claims.

I imagine when I go grab an updated records again this year, there would be some weird bs as well. I haven't pursued it legally because I don't see it financial feasible for now.

Remember that we have the Legal board if you need help with trying to change the custody order. They are really great over there.

I will definitely keep that in mind.

I probably should not care what she does in life as long as it doesn't severely impact our child's negatively. I was just triggered feeling that she's moving up in life.

Then again, not really. She's supposedly lives with her parents.

It would be kind of weird for someone to write her new bf's name on her parents' driveway. For all I know, the name could belong to one of my son's stuffed animals.