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Author Topic: Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) - I'm excited about it.  (Read 371 times)
Mutt
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« on: June 09, 2019, 02:03:44 PM »

My exgf broke up with me a couple of weeks ago and I've been talking to my mom a few times the last couple of weeks and I had a a two hour conversation last night. She suggested that I take CBT she works in psychotherapy and she said that she has seen patients for depression and anxiety improve a lot over the span of a year.

She suggested and my ex pointed out several times that I overthink too much. My mom also said that I catastrophize as well and she says that you're on meds, you work out but meds will only take you so far and I think that you would benefit taking CBT for anxiety.

She says that I have a hard time making decisions and to stick through those decisions like telling my ex that I wanted NC for 60 days and changing my mind after that and that I don't have enough self confidence, my ex said the same thing she says that I'm a good man and to have self confidence in myself and I'll be able to meet someone that can give me what I want which is a long term r/s.

I'll be honest it was hard to hear but she's trying to help and she doesn't want to see me suffer. She said you fought for the kids now it's time to fight for yourself. I booked an appointment with a psychologist on June 25th.

I'm actually really excited about this I look at it like a challenge I like challenges and if I can help improve the symptoms it will be less of an interruption in relationships and life. I'm not doing this for my mom or my ex I'm doing it for me, I can remember when there was a period in my life where anxiety wasn't an issue it was normal I had it when I was supposed to have it so it will be nice to be able to change some of these thought patterns live with less fear.

Has anyone taken similar therapy? What are your experiences?
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« Reply #1 on: June 09, 2019, 04:07:06 PM »

Quote from: Mutt
My exgf broke up with me a couple of weeks ago

I'm so sorry to hear that. You must be hurting very much right now.

Sadly, I haven't done any sort of therapy and cannot really offer any sort of advice, but I'd like to mirror the sentiment of wanting to do therapy as well.

You wanting to improve and be challenged at such a time is very inspiring.

Thank you for taking the time to post in my thread and support me when I needed it. I really, really appreciate it.

I'm here for you whenever you want to talk! 
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Mutt
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« Reply #2 on: June 09, 2019, 07:09:16 PM »

I'm glad that I could be of help Beneck. She's ignoring me since Wednesday I was checking out some videos on YT and they said that the reason why is because she is trying to convey fact that we're done, she could be feeling guilty for causing pain and doesn't want to see / me or talk to me.

The reason that she pushed is usually because you were being needy so she pushed and needs her space right now.  They also said that eventually she'll come down the pedestal and wonder what you're doing.

I'm putting her up on a pedestal too, and that's not the first time that someone pushed me away because of being needy, you get pushed that triggers anxiety that causes your ex to push more. So the best thing to do right now is to do nothing.

This doesn't feel like a break-up with a pwBPD at all, I have a stronger sense of self this time, I'm physically and mentally in much better place, I'm taking care of myself etc but ruminating and overthinking is hard for me to not do. It causes more anxiety with ideas and speculations that's not reality. They also said in the video once that you're happy you'll re-attract them. I'm working on trying to not think about what she's doing or if she's going to come back.

I do know that we should broken up last year because she can't give me what I want and she pushes and is avoidant in a r/s, she doesn't want to commit etc. I should of gotten the picture sooner but you can't change that at least I'm not chasing her now I'll leave her alone so that eventually she won't have negative thoughts about me and might approach me. That being said the r/s that we had is over I don't want to go through this a third time and I'm hanging on to something that is not healthy. I don't mean that she's unhealthy but trying to persuade her of getting in a r/s she was mixed last year and when I started to move on she fought for me. The r/s was ok for a little while after that but then I started to see her push again, this time was different than the last time, the last time she just started acting like we were friends and not in a romantic r/s which hurt a lot.

Anyways, I'm interested in seeing what the psychologist is going to say how many sessions that it's going to be. I owe it to myself to be happy, I worked hard to get to where I'm at now and there are still things that I can work on that hold me back.
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« Reply #3 on: June 10, 2019, 04:45:42 PM »

Excerpt
That being said the r/s that we had is over I don't want to go through this a third time and I'm hanging on to something that is not healthy.

Hey Mutt, Sorry to hear that you and your GF have parted ways, though based on what you wrote (above), it sounds like it is for the best.  Still, I'm sure it hurts and is hard not to think about her or second-guess yourself.  My suggestion: don't beat yourself up!  Things have a way of working out the way they are supposed to, even though we can't always see it at the time. 

I have spent much time with a T and it has been tremendously helpful.  I find the process draining, yet it helps me to stay on course.  I am unfamiliar w/CBT so can't offer any thoughts on that approach.

It sounds like you are giving yourself a chance to sit with your feelings, without the need to do anything in particular, which to me seems a healthy approach.

Let me know if I can give you a hand in any way.

LuckyJim
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« Reply #4 on: June 11, 2019, 05:57:17 AM »

Excerpt
I do know that we should broken up last year because she can't give me what I want and she pushes and is avoidant in a r/s, she doesn't want to commit etc. I should of gotten the picture sooner but you can't change that

i got into some difficult relationships after my ubpdex too.

Excerpt
She suggested and my ex pointed out several times that I overthink too much.
...
She says that I have a hard time making decisions and to stick through those decisions

have you heard of an HSP, or Highly Sensitive Person? i am one, and a lot of us are told these sorts of things growing up. its a challenge, but it doesnt have to be a bad thing, and it can be very rewarding if we learn to harness it. anyway, if youve not heard of it, you might look into it, see if it fits.

CBT can be a big help.
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« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2019, 06:57:32 AM »

Quote from: Mutt
I'm glad that I could be of help Beneck.


Quote from: Mutt
She's ignoring me since Wednesday I was checking out some videos on YT and they said that the reason why is because she is trying to convey fact that we're done, she could be feeling guilty for causing pain and doesn't want to see / me or talk to me.
I think there could be a lot of reasons for this, and guilt etc could be a reason. It's also possible that, despite any sort of guilt etc, she's feeling relief for having managed to end the relationship. Not seeing you or talking to you seems like the right thing to do, as either of those things could constitute to giving someone false hope. Nevertheless, it hurts.

Quote from: Mutt
The reason that she pushed is usually because you were being needy so she pushed and needs her space right now.  They also said that eventually she'll come down the pedestal and wonder what you're doing.
Are the videos saying that about you being pushy during the duration of the relationship, or afterwards? Have you been pushy?
 
In regards to them wondering what you're doing... well... over-pursuing is not attractive in general and yes, it does happen, but I don't think it should be the end goal. I think that any sort of action that constitutes you being a priority and becoming a better version of yourself can be quite attractive, at some point in time, to someone who has broken up with you. But the whole point is to do it for you - you win either way!

Quote from: Mutt
that's not the first time that someone pushed me away because of being needy
Are you sure this is what happened? Try to be honest and realistic with yourself, rather than blame-y. If so, was it merely a factor? Maybe it was a combination of reasons, and that was just a factor? What has she told you?

Quote from: Mutt
I'm working on trying to not think about what she's doing or if she's going to come back.

Sounds good. Any activities/strategies that help with that?

Quote from: Mutt
I do know that we should broken up last year because she can't give me what I want and she pushes and is avoidant in a r/s, she doesn't want to commit etc. I should of gotten the picture sooner but you can't change that at least I'm not chasing her now I'll leave her alone so that eventually she won't have negative thoughts about me and might approach me. That being said the r/s that we had is over I don't want to go through this a third time and I'm hanging on to something that is not healthy. I don't mean that she's unhealthy but trying to persuade her of getting in a r/s she was mixed last year and when I started to move on she fought for me. The r/s was ok for a little while after that but then I started to see her push again, this time was different than the last time, the last time she just started acting like we were friends and not in a romantic r/s which hurt a lot.
Seeing some push/pull here Mutt. Yes, it does seem better for you to keep some distance, at least for the time being.

Quote from: Mutt
Anyways, I'm interested in seeing what the psychologist is going to say how many sessions that it's going to be. I owe it to myself to be happy, I worked hard to get to where I'm at now and there are still things that I can work on that hold me back.
Keep us posted, and hang in there! 
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« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2019, 11:54:24 AM »

Hey Mutt, Sorry to hear that you and your GF have parted ways, though based on what you wrote (above), it sounds like it is for the best.  Still, I'm sure it hurts and is hard not to think about her or second-guess yourself.  My suggestion: don't beat yourself up!  Things have a way of working out the way they are supposed to, even though we can't always see it at the time.


Thanks Lucky Jim I know that I can always count on you guys. You're right there is a part of me that is taking a lot of the blame and beating myself up over it. I can see a bit of a difference because of the space, I'm starting to see it with a more realistic lens than when I'm so close to it or another way that I can put it is I'm think with less emotions or putting the more in check and thinking more logically.
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« Reply #7 on: June 11, 2019, 11:54:44 AM »

i got into some difficult relationships after my ubpdex too.

That makes me feel better that someone else has gone through that.


have you heard of an HSP, or Highly Sensitive Person? i am one, and a lot of us are told these sorts of things growing up. its a challenge, but it doesnt have to be a bad thing, and it can be very rewarding if we learn to harness it. anyway, if youve not heard of it, you might look into it, see if it fits.

I think that it does fit I had a counsellor years ago call me hyper sensitive and my mom says that I'm really sensitive and empathic too. Within the context of my ex she is just not a person that shares feelings, I think that she has an avoidant attachment which going back to childhood would have a care giver void of emotions I can see how saying that I overthink is a way of her saying that is not something that she's comfortable talking about.
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« Reply #8 on: June 11, 2019, 11:55:15 AM »

he's feeling relief for having managed to end the relationship. Not seeing you or talking to you seems like the right thing to do, as either of those things could constitute to giving someone false hope. Nevertheless, it hurts.

The one thing that I don't get though is that she contacts me every couple of days for rudimentary things that she doesn't need to contact me for and historically she hasn't. What I mean is we used to communicate every day she works in the daycare that my kids go to specifically in the room that my youngest is in. I replied back to the her email at the daycare about a Father's day thing that they are doing on Friday and she sent me a message on Whatsapp saying that she's glad that I'm going. Last week she sent me a message that the family picture that I gave to the youngest was a nice family picture - things that she never used to say she doesn't need to convey any of this if she doesn't want to talk to me.

That gives you an idea of the messages and she never shares anything personal and her pushing telegraphs that the dynamics have changed in the r/s and she has even said that I can go to her if I need to but she's only going to Hi to me in public and that's it. There really is no reason for her to message me other than maybe she it's for soothing, she did send messages where she seemed worried about me, maybe she's just checking in with me, I would like to say that it could be because we were in a routine but I have my doubts about that. I haven't contacted her for anything I've respected her wishes.

Any activities/strategies that help with that?

I've been going to the gym I'm training harder and making extra money with overtime at work when I get home I don't have a lot of time I eat and go to bed.

Any activities/strategies that help with that?
I think that any sort of action that constitutes you being a priority and becoming a better version of yourself can be quite attractive, at some point in time, to someone who has broken up with you. But the whole point is to do it for you - you win either way![/quote]

I'd like to add to this if you make yourself more attractive and women are interested in you - that's a threat to your ex. That could re-attract your ex.

Are you sure this is what happened? Try to be honest and realistic with yourself, rather than blame-y. If so, was it merely a factor? Maybe it was a combination of reasons, and that was just a factor? What has she told you?

She doesn't say things directly, as I said earlier she doesn't share how she feels, to me it's just surface layer stuff that she talks about but she has commitment issues, she's sensitive and sometimes I could have been more sensitive with the things that I have said, she doesn't like insecurity and lately I've been insecure she's had two years where she wants a r/s in the winter and by spring time she breaks up with me. I haven't taken the hint that this is really not going to work I'm pursing something pass the honeymoon stage that really should have stopped right after when I could sense that she was pulling away.
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« Reply #9 on: June 11, 2019, 12:42:41 PM »

I have an idea that she's watching how I respond. She is smart and she has told me in the past to just observe I think that she could be watching where I go with my responses - for example is going to talk about the break up again. I think that is why these messages have had a similar tone.
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« Reply #10 on: June 11, 2019, 01:12:33 PM »

Have you looked at "Feeling Good" in our book list?  It is the book you will be given as part of the CBT. You might want to buy it now.

Have you seen this?

ARTICLE: Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking

Classic CBT.
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« Reply #11 on: June 11, 2019, 04:20:03 PM »

Have you looked at "Feeling Good" in our book list?  It is the book you will be given as part of the CBT. You might want to buy it now.

I identify with some of twisted thinking in that article. I’d urge anybody to read it even if you don’t have twisted thinking because you identify in other people. It gives you insight into someone’s background and personality.

I just read the book list - I’m downloading it. Skip thank you.
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« Reply #12 on: June 12, 2019, 09:42:22 AM »

Mutt   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I give you support while you start on CBT.

Re taking similar therapy; at most I have a P that is qualified in CBT. I don't know if he's 'done CBT' on me because I don't actually know what it looks like when a practitioner is going through a treatment plan based on CBT. He's a very good P—I don't have more to say than that on going through CBT.

Re what Skip said about CBT in Feeling Good—I've read it (except the medication chapter) so if you wanted to discuss ideas about it while you go through CBT—then I'm excited to be here with you Mutt. Me too, I'm excited about what it can do for you. I've bought 3 counters so far—I was so excited.
  

I'm sorry to hear about your recent relationship. I join the others in supporting you while you get through this.

I'm interested to hear your sharing about how it helps you with those interruptions you don't want in your life.  
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« Reply #13 on: June 12, 2019, 09:21:23 PM »

I'm interested to hear your sharing about how it helps you with those interruptions you don't want in your life.  

Thanks for the support gotbushels and everyone else. That sounds like a plan - I’d like to discuss it too.

The top two interruptions and off of the top of my head would be the need for reassurance, I can imagine how inconvenient for the lack of a better word that would be to people that are close to me and the other is chronic worrying i want to learn to see that aside and not worry about the unknown or think worst case scenarios.
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« Reply #14 on: July 28, 2019, 12:17:37 AM »

Mutt   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

How is therapy going?

How are you managing the issues of needs of reassurance and chronic worrying?

I hope you're enjoying your weekend.
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« Reply #15 on: July 30, 2019, 12:03:34 AM »

Hi Mutt,

Just checking in to see how things are going.  I will say I'm sure my therapist used some form of CBT during my therapy as my outcome was being more cognitive and understanding of my own behavior and responsibility of how I reacted to emotions/feelings and situations in my life.  This place also helped...as have you individually.  Let us know how things are progressing. 
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« Reply #16 on: July 31, 2019, 10:05:21 PM »

Hi guys,  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I haven’t started yet I called the therapist and said that I needed to think about it. We had unlimited over time the last couple of months. I’ve been working a lot and then I have the kids and my exgf.

The time that I do have that is free I’ve been focusing on myself. I was seeing a girl on and off the last couple of years she broke up with me in May but I got the keys to her apartment again so she trusts me she invites me over we’re friends with benefits.

She said that stew really worried about her mom because sees really sick and from the sounds of it her mom is either not treating her cancer or not treating it with western medicines. She randomly said that on a message on WhatsApp which surprised me she’s private she doesn’t share much in regards to what’s going on inside.

She’s going through so much going on right now I don’t blame her for not wanting to be in a r/s I know that she’s hiding her true feelings and that she’s really sad.

I’ve mostly focused on myself and earning extra money going to the gym and focusing on the kids. I’ve given her a lot of space and it’s actually been good between us. I was also thinking about EMDR I’ll make one calls because the overtime will probably dry up after Sept for awhile.

I decided to see how things go with the ex and I’m going to put things on pause for a year, what I mean is that I’m not going to look for anyone else I’ll see how things go - maybe the status will switch but like I said it’s like we’re in one but it’s not a romantic r/s. Maybe I don’t have to label it too.
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« Reply #17 on: August 01, 2019, 02:56:46 PM »

CBT is different from other flavors of talk therapy in that it focuses on solutions to your immediate issues.  As opposed to looking deeply into root causes, family of origin issues, etc.  Not that you won't talk about those things, but dealing with them won't be the primary goal of your therapy.

Instead, you'll learn ways to identify negative thoughts and behavior in the moment and strategies for managing them for a more positive outcome.

It can be quite effective in a couple of circumstances. 

First, when you're in a state of crisis.  Think of it as if you're on fire, like, literally on fire.  You don't stop to try to figure out why you're on fire or who set the fire or what clothes you might have worn that would have protected you from being on fire.  In that situation, you do nothing else but put out the dang fire.  CBT can be the emotional equivalent of putting out the fire.

Second, when you're experiencing something situational.  Being depressed after losing a loved one is a situational depression.  It has a very clear trigger and any human being would respond similarly.  Or maybe you're going through a breakup and are experiencing normal human emotions common to a breakup.  CBT is also good for this.

Personally, my therapeutic journey started with CBT because I was experiencing both of the above.  The primary goals for me and my T at that point were to put out the fire first and get me through the bad, but relatively common in the human experience, situation.  The deeper stuff came later.
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