I'm going to be going head on with my mother

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Hi all,
I have written letters , to both parents. For my mother, I will be exposing the lies and revealing the hurt. To my father, I will be giving a heads up, and declaring my wish to stay connected to him. I fully expect my mother to end the relationship..that's the usual outcome when people point to reality. They are visiting until tomorrow, coincidentally... And my pursuit of counseling has brought the decision to write the letters. I will give them the letters when they leave tomorrow. I feel it could go either way, but am afraid indeed to actually hand over the letters.

[Shepersists]

Hi all,
I have written letters , to both parents. For my mother, I will be exposing the lies and revealing the hurt. To my father, I will be giving a heads up, and declaring my wish to stay connected to him. I fully expect my mother to end the relationship..that's the usual outcome when people point to reality. They are visiting until tomorrow, coincidentally... And my pursuit of counseling has brought the decision to write the letters. I will give them the letters when they leave tomorrow. I feel it could go either way, but am afraid indeed to actually hand over the letters.

[Harri]

Hi and thanks for posting.  And welcome to the board! 

Did you review your final draft of the letters with your T (therapist)?

What are you hoping to achieve by giving them the letters?

Care to share more about your story and what brought you to this point?

Sorry for all the questions. 

[No-One]

Hi Shepersists:
I'd like to join Harri in welcoming you.

Like Harri, I'm kinda wondering if you discussed the letters with your therapist.

A lot of people write letters for therapeutic purposes, but don't send them or give them to the people they are addressed to.  Some people might end up sending the letters, but only after holding onto them for awhile and revisiting it at a later date. 

Wondering if it might be a bit awkward, to hand them the letters, as they exit your home?  Are you prepared for the possibility that they might drill you about what's up, when you hand them out?  Could the letters get read during their commute home? 

It might be better to mail them the letters at a later date.

[Notwendy]

Welcome to the board-

My reaction to the letters is similar to other posters. I would hold off and not give them to your parents. If your therapist has suggested this, I don't want to go against the recommendations, but as someone who has been dealing with a BPD mother, I would say don't do it.

Not because you don't want to acknowledge the truth- you can do that for yourself, but because of the nature of BPD- the letters will not bring you the effect you wish for due to how your parents will process/receive them.

Before I understood BPD in terms of family dynamics, I spoke the "truth" to my parents,  but in retrospect, I was naive to do so. It basically backfired. I have had to learn a different, but I think better way to assert my truth using boundaries with my BPD mother and working on myself so that the things she says to me and her behavior don't affect me as much as they used to.

Ironically- dealing with a pwBPD is more about our own actions and boundaries than acting on them. They aren't going to change. Your parents will go into victim mode and perceive the letters as an attack on them, not elicit any enlightenment about how they treated you.

Keep the letters for yourself. You can read them at intervals. Maybe one day you will choose to say the things you want to say, but IMHO, first, spend some time here on this board learning about BPD and tools to deal with the pwBPD in your life.

[kiwigal]

Can we ask you some questions first?

What would it take to re-earn your trust?
What validation are you needing?
What might be some of the consequences of this letter, beyond just losing relationship with your mother, and how do you feel about handling these?

[Turkish]

What are the lies and hurt you've experienced from your mother? Given your words about your father, I'm assuming that he hasn't has hurt you as badly, but maybe by not standing up for you?

[No-One]

Shepersists:
Your parents have likely left by now.  How did things go? I'm thinking you likely gave your parents the letters?

Jump back into the discussion, when you are ready.  Lot's of good input, by other members.  This is a great opportunity to help you sort through some things, whether you gave them the letters or not.