care aged parents

[yamada]

I have just come to conclusion with the advice from a carers counsellor, my own counsellor and others that because of the relationship I have with my aged parents I am not the one to care for them. Age makes them frail but hasn't changed who they are.,.and whilst they look like a sweet old couple behind closed doors our history is another thing and it is triggering me left right and centre... even when I explain how their needs affect me. They have no insight into their behaviour and never will. Today I was explaining how it exhausts my headspace and how they do nothing to accommodate what my sister and I trying to do ...that is keeping them in their home...they will not make adjustments and I am met with outrage and denial about how run down their house is amongst many realities of how their lives are. I never understood the total denial they live in until today.  I do not know how I am supposed to manage things when they work in opposition unless it suits them,. My mother started arching up into the queen bitch she is and I said I am going and walked out before I lost my temper.  I cannot keep sorting out problem after problem when they won't even address anything that is preventative
Anyone who knows me wouldn't judge me for walking away. The only people who make me feel so worthless and like a piece of excrement is my family.

My head just wants peace from it all.   I sometimes will I ever get peace...even when they die will I get peace.

[Woolspinner2000]

Hi Yamada, 

Whew. Sounds like another tough interaction. How drained you must feel! I'm very sorry that, once again, the pain is there and so tough. I often think now that I'm an adult that the relentlessness can be one of the toughest things to deal with, like a sore that can't heal because it keeps getting reinjured.

I'm glad that you have support people around you who are guiding you. When the pain is so large, sometimes that helps to push us past our usual level of tolerance, and we begin to seek protection and safety. From your post, I hear steps forward towards that end, of self care and healthiness. It's such a process, isn't it?

What do you picture for the next steps for yourself?
What are you able to do for self care today to help soothe the most recent hurt and wounding?

 
Wools

[yamada]

Seeing my therapist today.  I am not like them and I never will be and they will never get that. they think they are the normal ones and they are so not. They will never be normal...and I can cope with that

[Turkish]

This is basically what I concluded, though we don't have close family to judge.  I can imagine that's very tough to deal with. You are already struggling and they are guilting. 

[madeline7]

I have also come to the realization that ageing does not change the underlying personality disorder. Who was I kidding to think it might. I had read a book many years ago called "It's easier than you think". There was one story in the book about an old woman with poor memory talking with her grand daughter. The old woman was very sick, said to the adult grand daughter, "I don't remember why I am angry with your mother, but I do remember that I am angry". That about sums up my Mom. In the case of my elderly uBPDm, she agreed to go to an Assisted Living last month, and her disorder is much harder to cover up there. Needless to say, things are not going well. It does feel like this will never end. And the toll it's taking on me in the mean time is hard to swallow. I feel your pain

[joinedtheclub]

Hi,

You are so right and your therapist is right.  Just because they need care, doesn't change who they are.  I hope you find the strength to stay well and keep away.

When our mother got to that point, my sister and I let the system figure out how to manage.  We were clear that we couldn't supervise her, etc.  Eventually, neighbors provided enough evidence to the social workers that the scenario was understood and she was eventually placed in long-term care.

I just posted about this whole transition - her going into long-term care - moments ago under the subject line "freedom".

Live your life, don't let them continue to live yours.

Take care.

[yamada]

Thanks so much for your words. I am telling them if you want to live in this house then independent is independent...They have to do organise everything. Can you believe it my sister who has been at my head for years about my relationship with them is calming down and getting therapy and is being reasonable? She told me she has been diagnosed with PTSD ... Mum set us up against each other and my baby of a father...ingored it...I just want you talking...no I am saying we are talking and you are not going to like it... We are setting up a meeting in a few weeks Myself, my husband and my sister and we are presenting the fact and the future and the consequences to them  ..If my parents react badly then so be it...but change is going to happen.

[yamada]

So my dads blood sugars are very high and we had to call an ambulance...he wasn't even thinking about what was going to happen to mum..the ambulance officer was very concerned with her ability to cope..but Dad didn't consider her...he assumed I would stay with her and I was going to right up to when we all got to the hospital and some things were said and I started getting triggered left right and centre. I called for a social worker who was brilliant. I gave her a rough outline of 60 years with my parents and she said...just go.., you cant do this, leave your mum here we will take care of it...and I grabbed my bag..told dad I cannot look after mum, he looked at me like I am a monster and I left having a huge panic attack trying to get out the door. Got home to husband and son and my sister all very supportive... My sister who lives 6 hours away and who has been a loggerheads with me over them for years was supportive and who has had enough...has had enough and she has said they can manage on their own..I can't get up there

[Harri]

Hi Yamada.  I am glad you took care of yourself and requested a social worker to take over.  That was a smart move for everyone no matter what your dad may think.

How are you doing now?

How did your counseling session go last week?

[Turkish]

That is tough to deal with yamada. Backing away to be safe goes against what we are taught as children and by society. 

[yamada]

my session went well...we had agreed it wasnt safe for my mental health to be involved and since they refuse to bend then I have to leave it... My head is really messy and I feel exhausted/flattened however I am glad I would be warned this will be hard... I feel like I have abandoned my children but I realise in many ways I was the parent...the fixer of problems for toddlers in adult bodies. If I had complete control as if they really were preschoolers then it wouldn't be as rubbish. However as it is I am walking on eggshells so I don't upset them and my dad doesn't lose his temper...My family and my sister are all supportive and my sister and I are so on the same page its scary. I think after this we need to sort out 20 years of the fighting because of our parents. However its going to be a hard road by my family are so supportive. We go on holiday in two weeks and it will be great.