I think its finally over.

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

She broke up with me for the 5th time yesterday and this time I believe it is final. The resources on this site are invaluable, and reading stories from others has helped me during the relationship and now as it is ending.  I want to make a post so that I am held accountable.

I don't want to recycle.  I want her to leave, and move on with my life.  I'm done with having objects thrown at me,  being hit, threats of suicide, the self-harm, and being blamed for her bad decisions.   A couple weeks back she cut up all our photos and my letters in front of me in a rage, yet later she was mad at me for "letting her do it."  She doesn't remember me pleading her to stop and fishing photos and other mementos out of the trash.  She claims I was pulling the photos out of the trash so she would cut them up.  I am also at fault for letting her drop out of school, etc...  That won't be my life anymore.

This time I left the apartment and am staying at a friends house that I am house sitting for.  I told her I will stay there while she gets moved out.  She was never on the lease and will be returning to live with family on the opposite coast.  They were the cause of all her problems before I came along and "saved her",  and now I am the cause of all her problems, and they are the loving family that will save her.  I hope to avoid giving her the chance to talk it out with me. I want to avoid unnecessary contact until she is 3000 miles away.  I was her enabler.  I let myself be manipulated, because I too have issues with abandonment and being alone, and thinking I can fix people with kindness.

After she moves home I believe no contact will be best.  I feel good today. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest, but realize I will relapse.  There will be ugly days.  I'm trying to prepare myself to dodge the "second arrow" and to heal in a healthy way.

I will be reading the posts on this site to keep my head in the game and my spirits up.  This will be like breaking an addiction, and entering recovery.  I want to earn my chips. Thanks to everybody who takes the time to support others here.  Its a remarkable service.   

[incognitoMe]

She broke up with me for the 5th time yesterday and this time I believe it is final. The resources on this site are invaluable, and reading stories from others has helped me during the relationship and now as it is ending.  I want to make a post so that I am held accountable.

I don't want to recycle.  I want her to leave, and move on with my life.  I'm done with having objects thrown at me,  being hit, threats of suicide, the self-harm, and being blamed for her bad decisions.   A couple weeks back she cut up all our photos and my letters in front of me in a rage, yet later she was mad at me for "letting her do it."  She doesn't remember me pleading her to stop and fishing photos and other mementos out of the trash.  She claims I was pulling the photos out of the trash so she would cut them up.  I am also at fault for letting her drop out of school, etc...  That won't be my life anymore.

This time I left the apartment and am staying at a friends house that I am house sitting for.  I told her I will stay there while she gets moved out.  She was never on the lease and will be returning to live with family on the opposite coast.  They were the cause of all her problems before I came along and "saved her",  and now I am the cause of all her problems, and they are the loving family that will save her.  I hope to avoid giving her the chance to talk it out with me. I want to avoid unnecessary contact until she is 3000 miles away.  I was her enabler.  I let myself be manipulated, because I too have issues with abandonment and being alone, and thinking I can fix people with kindness.

After she moves home I believe no contact will be best.  I feel good today. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my chest, but realize I will relapse.  There will be ugly days.  I'm trying to prepare myself to dodge the "second arrow" and to heal in a healthy way.

I will be reading the posts on this site to keep my head in the game and my spirits up.  This will be like breaking an addiction, and entering recovery.  I want to earn my chips. Thanks to everybody who takes the time to support others here.  Its a remarkable service.   

[Lucky Jim]

Hey incognitoMe, Welcome!  You've come to a great place and we get it.  Your story is quite familiar:

I'm done with having objects thrown at me,  being hit, threats of suicide, the self-harm, and being blamed for her bad decisions.   A couple weeks back she cut up all our photos and my letters in front of me in a rage, yet later she was mad at me for "letting her do it." 

I've experienced all of the above.  It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on your situation, considering all the stress you've been under.  It's likely that she will attempt to blame you for the b/u, so be prepared.  Beware of F-O-G (fear, obligation and guilt), which is the three-pronged pitchfork that those w/BPD use to manipulate us Nons.  Forewarned is forearmed!

How long have you been together?  Fill us in when you can.  Parting ways with a pwBPD is an ordeal, so keep us posted.  In the meantime, feel free to pose to the group any particular questions you may have.

LuckyJim

[Jaaj61]

Hey ICog! I'm so sorry for all the pain you've experienced. I totally relate- I have been a text book enabler and rescuer for my BPD gf; supporting her financially and emotionally for the past nine months...until she abruptly ended things and turned on me like nothing I've ever seen.
Great idea staying accountable by posting. I just found this site and it has been incredibly helpful. Stay focused on your values and goals for the future and remain mindful when that temptation to reach out or back to her hits. I'm in it with you!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi, incognitoMe!

I'm sorry about the circumstances that brought you here. You've found a place here with many who have more or less walked in your shoes and who truly understand. We're all here to heal and help each other.

I join Jaaj61 in saying that posting here regularly is so helpful. There are also lots of resources on the site, for example Surviving a break-up when your partner has BPD.

How long can you stay at your friends' house?
Do you know if she has started moving out?

Scarlet

[once removed]

A couple weeks back she cut up all our photos and my letters in front of me in a rage, yet later she was mad at me for "letting her do it."  She doesn't remember me pleading her to stop and fishing photos and other mementos out of the trash.  She claims I was pulling the photos out of the trash so she would cut them up.  I am also at fault for letting her drop out of school, etc...  That won't be my life anymore.

i remember times like that. its painful, and exhausting, and draining.

I want to make a post so that I am held accountable.

i hope that likewise, if things change, youll post on the Bettering board for support. recycling is more the norm than the exception, and there would be no sense in reentering without help.

I will be reading the posts on this site to keep my head in the game and my spirits up.

keep us posted, and post to others. it will keep you connected to something bigger than yourself and help build your support system.

[incognitoMe]

How long have you been together?  Fill us in when you can.  Parting ways with a pwBPD is an ordeal, so keep us posted.  In the meantime, feel free to pose to the group any particular questions you may have.
LuckyJim

Were were together for a year and a month.  When we met at a conference it was the magical love bomb honeymoon.   We did long distance, and I was flying to see her, or flying her out to see me once a month. 

When I met her she was working on her masters thesis (done with classes), and seemed totally put together. She was intelligent, and kind, and thoughtful and stunning. She spoke about her ex being abusive and her family being horrid and unloving, and lured me in as her rescuer.  She decided to move to New York as she had no job or classes to attend.  I was still working on my PhD and had a good job so it made sense.

I got an apartment ready for her, and when she arrived, our first big fight happened that night. It was about 11 pm after unpacking for a long time, she was playing with her cat, and I suggested maybe we should go to bed as it was a bit late to continue moving furniture.  She got enraged and told me that we should be able to make as much noise and stay up as late as we wanted and that I cared more about our downstairs neighbors than about her.  She screamed at me that I didn't want her to be happy or vibrant.  I was "diminishing her."   

Within a couple weeks of moving in and her getting mad at everything I said or did I suggested couples counseling (I got it free as a student).  She told me she didn't want to do that with somebody she was "just dating" and told me she really wasn't sure she was still in love or if she was going to stay or not.

She refused to sign the lease, and pretended that she couldn't get hold of the landlord (who sits all day in an office a five minute walk from us).  Eventually it became a weapon, if or not she would sign.  She never did.

She dropped out of her online masters program, and was unemployed the whole time she was here. She also decided to quit the career path she was on.  She wanted with all hear heart to be a funeral director for about 3 weeks and I supported that and about 30 other careers she decided to switch to.

She got two jobs during that time, and quit after a week for each.  She got money by selling her designer clothes online, but I was always picking up the lions share of expenses.  She still had nice clothes but wore pajamas and a hoodie for months while depressed. She smoked pot all day, got drunk to where she got sick and hung over a lot.  She was self harming, threatening suicide, and turning on me when I tried to help her.

She started accusing me of being in love with other women, and of talking behind her back with my friends. She broke up with me the first time in the fall, and forever distrusted the friends that were there for me.  Every time I talked to the friends who were my best support structure she was sure I was betraying her.   

She broke up with me another time, and claimed my mom would take her side. I told her my mother already knew the situation, and had told me if it gets really bad to remember that there "are worse things than being alone."  From that day forward resented my mother and blocked her on social media.

She broke up with me 3 times in February, the first time being the night before valentines day. She loaded her car, changed her mind unloaded it, and broke up with me again, over the course of 3 weeks.

The last time I was not going to let her stay, but she promised to go to couples counselling and get a mental health help.

Since then she started throwing things, and hit me when I tried to get her to stop banging her head on the wall.  She screamed one day "why won't you hit me! If you had any passion or love for me your would." 

She often started fights in the morning and would scary texts all day.  One day she texted that she was cutting off all her hair so that she would look as ugly  as she felt. Yes, she followed through.

Couples counseling was mostly her airing out grievances and arguing with the therapist.  Useless.

Fast forward to this week.  She was supposed to start therapy tomorrow.  Instead, her car is half-packed, and she she claims she will be gone ASAP.  I stopped by this morning to get something from the apartment and she was cheerily packing.

I'm house sitting for my friend all summer, but I anticipate that she will be gone by tomorrow. The lease is up end of July so I can get a new apartment.

I'm now realizing the number of breakups was about 7.  I can't be sure. Its a foggy blur of gas-lighting. I guess writing is out here is a good exercise for countering that.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Sounds rough!   These relationships are so hard and confusing. It's like the world suddenly turns upside-down one day and never really get back to the way it was.

It's great that you can house sit all summer, it'll give you some space and time to process it all.

How did you feel seeing her?

[incognitoMe]

Sounds rough!   These relationships are so hard and confusing. It's like the world suddenly turns upside-down one day and never really get back to the way it was.

It's great that you can house sit all summer, it'll give you some space and time to process it all.

How did you feel seeing her?

It was awkward and sad. She chatted casually about the route she would take to get west. She excitedly pointed out that her cat was doing cute things, as if we didn't just break up.

She told me she really appreciated me, and she had that look of sweetness wore all the time before she morphed into who she actually was.  After I left I had to remind myself that that is a mirage.  It made me worry she might try and change her mind again and I would have to tell her no. 

She loved the show Bojack Horseman, and realized at a point that she loved it because that character embodies BPD.   I remember one scene in which a character says something like "You are like the swimmer who drowns the lifeguard."   Sometimes you have to walk away from a person or they will take you down with them.

I'd prefer she just leave.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Sometimes you have to walk away from a person or they will take you down with them.

That is very true.

I'd prefer she just leave.

We are here with you no matter what happens. Keep coming here to write, read, ask questions … whatever you need. We've got your back!

[incognitoMe]

I appreciate that.  The support truly helps.  I can't imagine how much harder this whole relationship would have been without having a community that provides reliable information and feedback.

I will keep posting.

[incognitoMe]

She is currently texting me about how she just got a call about a local job interview and she is bringing up a common theme of how if I had asked her to marry me this would never have happened...

So far I have resisted the urge to respond.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Good on you.
Is she still texting?

[incognitoMe]

For now she has stopped, thankfully.   I don't think that's the last of it.

[incognitoMe]

She started texting again last night and was sweet, sorrowful and sorry for leaving.  She was the loving woman I fell for.  She praised me for being a good boyfriend and all that.

This morning I showed up to grab things before work.  She was still very sweet and kind, and then she said something about people saying that people say your 30's are the best time of your life.  I said it has not been for me so far, and she "flipped out at me" saying I didn't want her to be happy etc..

I told her I wasn't going to argue with her and walked out.  She started writing abusive paragraph texts after that telling me how horrible I am and how clear it is she is making the right choice and that I never loved her, and was using her for sex etc...  Lots of it was new stuff she wanted to hurt me with she had never discussed with me.  It keeps coming. Landry list of every thing wrong with me.  I stopped reading after I got the idea of what she was trying to do and I'm deleting them in batches.

Waif to witch in 30 seconds. 

She said she would be out by tomorrow prior to this episode. Perhaps this will motivate her out the door. I hope she doesn't do anything vindictive on the way out to my stuff.

[Lucky Jim]

Lots of it was new stuff she wanted to hurt me with she had never discussed with me.  It keeps coming. Landry list of every thing wrong with me.

Hey incog, Be careful not to internalize her venom.  I have a saying: "poison is harmless if you don't ingest it"!  Instead, let it roll off your back.  Don't engage or JADE, is my suggestion.

LJ

[incognitoMe]

Good advise. I only read the first couple to see what the theme was and then started deleting without reading. They have stopped for now.  Today I'm going to steer clear of the apartment unless her car is gone.

I have clothes enough for tomorrow.  There is nothing I need that bad.

She is making this a lot easier by showing her true colors.  I'm not going to drink the poison.

[incognitoMe]

She started texting again at night and was her sweet self again, promising to get well while she is west, and being sorry for being mean and ruining everything.

This morning I went home to the apartment to find she was gone.  I texted her to wish her a safe journey and she was still her sweet self.  This would be so much easier if she could pick one.

If she were Dr. Jeckle, I'd have proposed by now.  If she were Mr. Hyde I wouldn't spend another thought on her.

At least today I can start moving forward.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Okay, so now she has moved out and you can start a new phase of your life. I'm glad to hear the move didn't drag out, which can sometimes be the case. It's hard to deal with the fact that our exes can seem so sweet one moment only to rage at us the next. But then emotional instability is the crux of the disorder.

We have many great resources here that can be a source of support. For example Surviving a break-up when your partner has BPD. There might be something in it you connect with. We also have all the lessons, they can be a good place to start.

And just in general reading here and connecting with the community can do a lot of good for you going forward. Don't hesitate to start new topics whenever you have something on your heart. We're in this together!

At least today I can start moving forward.

How do you feel about that?

[incognitoMe]

I feel hopeful about the future, and a sense of appreciation for all those in my life that love and support me.

One takeaway for me has been how much we take for granted being able to see the love in our lives.  How sad and lonely it must be for those with BPD who will may never be able to see, appreciate, or hold onto it. She will forever have my pity for the darkness she lives in.  I like to believe she will someday be happy although I am not letting myself try and imagine that being with me. I don't want to bargain, but accept.

A lot of the Labyrinth soundtrack, which I've been listening to has been jumping out at me... The makes me think of the suffocating feeling of being that that relationship, and how she brought out the worst in us both. The second about how lost she is, always looking for somebody to save her. 

"How you turned my world, You precious thing
You starve and near-exhaust me
Everything I've done, I've done for you
I move the stars for no one
You've run so long
You've run so far
Your eyes can be so cruel
Just as I can be so cruel
Though I do believe in you
Yes I do
Live without the sunlight
Love without your heartbeat
I, I can't live within you"

And

"No one can blame you for walking away
But too much rejection, uh-huh
No love injection, nothing
Life can be easy
It's not always swell
Don't tell me truth hurts, little girl
'Cause it hurts like hell
But down in the underground
You'll find someone true
Down in the underground
A land serene, a crystal moon
A-ha
It's only forever
Not long at all
Lost and lonely
That's underground, underground"

Thanks all!

Hopefully my future posts will be about progress, and finding peace!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

I think you have it spot on that for those who have BPD, life must be lonely is so many ways. We are lucky, because we can choose to live a healthy, happy life. Or at least work towards that goal.

The song is a good description. Poignant.

Hopefully my future posts will be about progress, and finding peace!

I hope so, too 

[Longterm]

Just wanted to say that you seem very strong and resolute, good on you and hopefully you move past this in no time.

[HarborBP]

A lot of the Labyrinth soundtrack, which I've been listening to has been jumping out at me... The makes me think of the suffocating feeling of being that that relationship, and how she brought out the worst in us both. The second about how lost she is, always looking for somebody to save her.

Hi incog,

It helps me so much to read the stories of people who were swept into the bpd vortex. Enduring a borderline relationship and surviving its aftermath makes us all emotional lepers, and this site is our sanctuary colony. Most of us are empathetic, caring people with a lot of love to give. Many of us also bear psychic scars that manifest in the relationship as lowered self esteem. The combination of a loving empathic character and lowered self esteem makes for a toxic brew with the power to destroy if we don't rise above it. 

The lyrics you included made me think of a song that became popular while I was deep inside a r/s with an ubpdgf. The title is Cold Little Heart by the musician Michael Kiwanuka. This song quickly became a favorite of hers; so much so she purchased the CD and played it non-stop for a long period of time. The lyrics are very poignant. My gf would tear up as the song played. What this told me is she was aware of what her behavior was doing, both to her lover and to us. At the same time, for one reason or another, she was incapable of using this awareness to stop the bleeding.

Here are the lyrics to Cold Little Heart:

By Michael Kiwanuka

Did you ever want it?
Did you want it bad?
Oh, my
It tears me apart
Did you ever fight it?
All of the pain, so much power
Running through my veins
Bleeding, I'm bleeding
My cold little heart
Oh I, I can't stand myself
And I know In my heart,
in this cold heart
I can live or I can die
I believe if I just try
You believe in you and I
In you and I

Did you ever notice
I've been ashamed
All my life
I've been playing games
We can try to hide it
It's all the same
I've been losing you
One day at a time
Bleeding, I'm bleeding
My cold little heart
Oh I, I can't stand myself

Maybe this time I can be strong
But since I know who I am
I'm probably wrong
Maybe this time I can go far
But thinking about where I've been
Ain't helping me start

HarborBP