I am new here..

[lovebug290]

Hello...

I am new here and honestly don't even know where exactly to begin. I could hit every gruesome detail from beginning to current but I'll save that for now. After reading articles and resources I now see others like you have been through similar situations and circumstances like I have with someone you love who has the characteristics, signs, symptoms, traits and behaviors of BPD.  The BPD in my life is my ex-husband. We have been divorced for almost one year. We've still been talking and "trying to work things out" throughout this whole year and throughout this time period we have remained in the same cycle of behavior patterns and toxic relationship experiences that is faced with someone who has BPD. These things were evident since day one and I overlooked them. I'm on the middle of a self-awareness and discovery journey and am beginning to understand where my co-dependency came from leading me to accept this relationship as "normal" - when it in fact is not. These cycles pushed me to divorcing him and have pushed me away and pulled me back in ever since that divorce. I care for him and I want to see him get help and set a positive example for our child. So far, he refuses to want to genuinely seek help. He instead projects that the issues he has are mostly my fault but goes through the "I love you/I hate you" motions multiple times a day. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help without losing more of myself than I've already lost. I feel guilty and selfish wondering if it is time for me to just cut him out of my life for good so I can heal. Thank you for the support. It is comforting to know that there are others out there who can relate.

[mart555]

Read this
https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

It should help

[loyalwife]

Hi lovebug 290
  Welcome to the family here.
   You'll find a lot of support and help.
   

I'm on the middle of a self-awareness and discovery journey and am beginning to understand where my co-dependency came from leading me to accept this relationship as "normal" - when it in fact is not.

   Your journey does not have go be alone and finding those that understand how difficult it is are here. Most of all, taking care of yourself will be most important to your ex husband ever getting help. We can't save them. As much as we try, no amount of love will do that. Once you change how you react to him, then he will no longer be able to hold onto his 'beliefs' which are all emotional driven. Since you have a child together, it is important.
    Be true to yourself, always.
   

[GaGrl]

Welcome! As you point out, many of us have had similar experiences, so you will find people here who understand.

Have you explored the tools tab at the top of the page? What tool(s) stand out as a potential help?

Can you tell us a bit more about the interactions that seem to be most difficult for you?

[ForeverDad]

A general comment here is that it would take an experienced — and emotionally neutral — therapist to help him.  And a few sessions won't make a dent in his perceptions and behaviors.  Notice I stated emotionally neutral.  You are emotionally connected to him and his emotion-based perceptions heighten his issues.  When you speak or try to help, he's not listening, there's just too much emotional baggage from the past for him to hear.

Notice what I previously wrote regarding the paperback "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me!":

How much the other parent will respond and change without a neutral professional providing guidance and structure, well, is unknown.  Late in life in 2011 the early pioneering professional on BPD, Marsha Linehan, revealed that she of all people too suffered with BPD.  The original NYTimes article.  She is the exception to the rule who found a way to help herself and accept help, whereas nearly all suffering with BPD need an emotionally neutral guiding professional.  Neutral is crucial because the Borderline emotional baggage is immense and a strong barrier for them to listen to those emotionally close to them.  I recall the author of "I Hate You! Don't Leave Me!" writing that she never ever even touched her therapist, keeping an emotionally neutral therapeutic distance, not until they hugged on her final session, her Graduation Day.

I'm only cautioning you that there may be a limit to what you or others can do regarding the other parent.

[livednlearned]

I care for him and I want to see him get help and set a positive example for our child.

Another way to approach this is to think about how you can be the positive example for your child.

I found myself focusing more on my child and less on my ex and that helped turn things around.

For example, your ex may be inconsistent in spending time with your child, which can be painful for a kid who expects both parents to provide stability and consistency.

If you help your child learn to reassure himself during struggles with difficult people, he will build a sense that he can tolerate difficult feelings. All the skills I learned here for dealing with someone with BPD were effective with my son many times over.

What is your child's relationship with your ex like?