The way BPD ideas form = confusing

[isilme]

This is just a rambling idea that has been bugging me for a while, figured I'd put it down here.

I struggle to understand my BPDH's thought process - not about anger, rage, dysregulation - somehow those immediate words and actions make more sense than the conclusions he reaches day to day, even on good days.

Talking about my clothing:  We were watching an older movie and I liked the clothes a female character was wearing.  
I made a comment that I hoped my love of older fashion styles, like cloche hats and pencil skirts and mary jane shoes, did not make me look like a hipster.  I'm a Gen X-er, so hipster-dom is an anathema.  

His reply?  "I think the pencil skirts you wear are nice but I think you feel you look taller in long dresses and that's not the case and you shouldn't try to wear them to work."  

Huh?   1 - I never wear long dresses to work, I don't have work-appropriate long dresses, and 2 - he jokes that the dresses I have for work creep up to almost too short as I walk as it is.  This makes no sense.  It also had nothing to do with what I said, other than being about clothes.  

I know it's not much.  This short comment is just one of many that make me feel his brain is so busy with his weird emotionally based meanderings (my appearance is the same as his own in his mind, something to be proud of or embarrassed, to a BPD-degree) he really does not listen, hear me, or understand me much of the time.  Sigh.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[PeteWitsend]

I think you're correct when you ascribe non-sensical ramblings or statements to the pwBPD's own disordered emotions.

In my own experience, I would largely dismiss the "curveballs" she'd throw back at me, although when they were angry or filled with accusations (as they typically were) my instinct would be to try to refute them, and defuse the situation.

Even though I knew on some level that cutting remarks from my XW were best ignored, as she would forget about them a few minutes or hours later if she didn't get the response she hoped for.

Typically though my XW would find a way to weave her fears of abandonment into most comments to me.  I pretty much gave up ever telling her stories that involved women - and I mean coworkers or female family members - because her response would focus entirely on whether I liked that person (if they were a coworker or colleague) or some perceived slight (if they were a family member). 

[isilme]

It just makes me feel a bit discouraged at times to even attempt being more than an active listener in a conversation.  He claims he doesn't remember much of what I actually say, distorts what he does remember, switches who said what and thinks my ideas are his at times, and all in all it's as if two different conversations were merged somehow and make little sense to me.

I'm not even talking about times when he's getting mad or balking at something.

This is just run of the mill stuff, daily conversations over lunch or dinner.  Other people don't seem to have trouble understanding me.  I work with a large enough office, and as a minor manager have to be able to explain things to those working under me, and since they get the job done they are awesome if I am a poor communicator.

I no longer have an urge to correct him most of the time, and just keep going if I need to try to tell him something or give up completely.  It makes me feel sometimes I have no one to talk to, and is probably why I just give up on difficult conversations I feel can just be dropped. 

I've been posting about a recent discovery of an immune disorder.  I can't talk to him about clothes... how am I supposed to share in-depth anything with him about my own health?  His health takes up so much of his ability to cope.  Hearing about mine not only pushes him past his coping point, but he doesn't listen anyway.  And it's more than a woman simply claiming "my husband doesn't listen." 

[PeteWitsend]

I hear you. I think it's just kinda the way things are with them.  They hear what they want to hear (or what they think they hear) and ignore all else. 

It is frustrating to realize you won't really have a partner to confide in. 

...  And it's more than a woman simply claiming "my husband doesn't listen." 

hahahaha, I get it. 

In my case, One frequent complaint from my XW was that I'd stare at women when we were out in public so much that it would make her uncomfortable.  she'd accuse me of this all the time, and I KNEW for a fact it wasn't true. 

but I always figured if I tried to tell someone, they'd figure "Oh yeah, right, typical man, always checking out the ladies..."