Ok with being hated

[Coldfish]

I have been thinking, reading and thinking some more about BPD.  Ultimately I have come to the conclusion that I am ok with being hated. I have learned that with bpd comes emotional instability. That the person will toggle between idealization and devaluation. I guess the short version is white and black. Now, most of the times people have no problem with the idealization stage. The passion , intensity, focused commitment, love, ect. It's the other side that people have trouble accepting. The anger, hate, loathe, ect. I have realized that both make up the same person. You cannot accept one without the other. You can't take the good and leave the bad. I have learned that this person will swing. It's only a matter of when, how often, how long, ect. These questions I can too ask of his love... When, how often, how long, ect.

I have decided that I am ok with him hating me occasionally. I mean we are dealing with extremes here so I can only classify it as hate. I am ok with him cutting off contact and getting upset over trivial matters ( to me) oh and breaking up every time he gets emotionally overwhelmed. Yes...it's all ok.

You know why I feel it's ok? Because I have to accept all of him to love him. I know he is going to swing. When he is so romantic and does everything in the world to show me he loves me, I can see the love in that. When he is black listing me, discarding me ECT. I can see the love in that too. I mean think about it. You can only hate something that fervently that you do love. I mean why else would you expend so much energy trying to discard it?

Any opinions would be great.

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[Coldfish]

Today is his bday but it's just another day for me. He chose to cut me out of his life, for how long? Who knows.

My life, this relationship does not revolve around him and his emotions and/ or bad days. Life goes on and has gone on. There are kids to think about, mortgage, school, ect. Oh and I factor in here as well. I am just as important as him. Since I have been doing no contact I have spring cleaned my home, registered for my Bachelor's degree, ect. I feel really good. Really good.

I do miss him but I don't need him. I am in charge of my happiness.

I feel like he found himself the way out so he can find the way back in. I will leave a light on.

When he returns it's not going to be so easy. My life is not a revolving door. I do understand he has somethings going on but don't we all.

[loyalwife]

I have to agree with you. If you love someone when they are good, you love them when they are bad. It doesn't mean you like what they do or say, but you can still love them.

When he returns it's not going to be so easy. My life is not a revolving door. I do understand he has somethings going on but don't we all.

My husband did the same thing. He left me for weeks, slowly turning things off in the house to make me miserable. I finally learned to stand up and accept the spot that I was in. When he returned home, I thanked him for the time, but said I would be moving on. That was two years ago, and we've never gotten back to that awful spot. But it happened, and it can happen again, no fooling here. NO, your life is not a revolving door, and the continual push/pull takes it's toll. The pwBPD, once dysregulated has a tough time returning to base. You are now able to take of you.

I love my BPDh, with all my heart, even when he rages. But there are consequences to his discarding. There are always consequences to our actions.

[Red5]

There are always consequences to our actions.

During the devalue... which may toggle back and forth from discard... the Non has to really be aware... because during this “split” many bad things have the possibility of occurring,

These are known as the “deal breakers”.

*DV.
*Financial Sabotage.
*Serial Adultery.
*Physical Violence... ie’ Destruction Of Objects, Personal Property.

We must be aware, it is ok to try and exist in the area of ideation - devalue...  but be wary when the split moves to the devalue - discard stage.

And it will cycle... “recycle” back and forth most times... over weeks, months, years... some folks do this for a lifetime with a borderline... wow : (

Kind Regards, Red5