Made the mistake of looking up ex on Facebook after 6 years of no contact.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello all, I hadn't posted on here in years because basically I had completely removed my BPD ex from my life. The last interaction I had with her was 6 years ago almost to the date. I had told her to never contact me again after some things she did that were very hurtful. At that point we had already been broken up for 3 years so you can see how long my struggle has been. I thought I was completely moved on, even dated other normal women and I am currently in a relationship with someone who is pretty normal. However, for some reason my ex still creeps in my mind. We were each other's first loves so maybe that plays a big part in my feelings. For those 6 years since we last spoke I never contacted her or checked any of her social media.

For some reason, the other night I was on Facebook and I don't know why I did it but I was just curious and started looking up her and her family members. I had resisted that urge for 6 years and yet I couldn't resist it in this particular moment. I discovered she recently had a child but is not married, and she is currently dating someone I actually knew from our past. Needless to say I felt very sad and emotional and hurt after seeing all these pictures. How normal can it possibly be for me to feel that way? Is it normal for years and years to go by and still feel the damage that a person with BPD has caused you? I see her in these pictures and she looks happy to me so I figure her life is now great and she has been "fixed" and no longer has any problems with BPD. And I get depressed because I feel like my life is no good and she has moved on with no problem at all.

I also feel bad because I am seeing someone currently who I really like and is non-BPD but I feel so guilty for these feelings of pain I have over my ex. The current girlfriend knows about my ex but doesn't know I recently looked her up. I just came back to these boards because I know whenever I was feeling pain due to my ex, this place always cheered me up and set me back on the right path. So am I truly over my ex if I still have these feelings when I see her pictures? I just wonder what could have been if we had stayed together. How pathetic is it that I can feel this way about someone who I technically haven't been in a romantic relationship with for 9 years? Can BPDs truly damage a person to the point that they are still feeling that damage almost a decade later? Thanks!

[Megatron]

Hello all, I hadn't posted on here in years because basically I had completely removed my BPD ex from my life. The last interaction I had with her was 6 years ago almost to the date. I had told her to never contact me again after some things she did that were very hurtful. At that point we had already been broken up for 3 years so you can see how long my struggle has been. I thought I was completely moved on, even dated other normal women and I am currently in a relationship with someone who is pretty normal. However, for some reason my ex still creeps in my mind. We were each other's first loves so maybe that plays a big part in my feelings. For those 6 years since we last spoke I never contacted her or checked any of her social media.

For some reason, the other night I was on Facebook and I don't know why I did it but I was just curious and started looking up her and her family members. I had resisted that urge for 6 years and yet I couldn't resist it in this particular moment. I discovered she recently had a child but is not married, and she is currently dating someone I actually knew from our past. Needless to say I felt very sad and emotional and hurt after seeing all these pictures. How normal can it possibly be for me to feel that way? Is it normal for years and years to go by and still feel the damage that a person with BPD has caused you? I see her in these pictures and she looks happy to me so I figure her life is now great and she has been "fixed" and no longer has any problems with BPD. And I get depressed because I feel like my life is no good and she has moved on with no problem at all.

I also feel bad because I am seeing someone currently who I really like and is non-BPD but I feel so guilty for these feelings of pain I have over my ex. The current girlfriend knows about my ex but doesn't know I recently looked her up. I just came back to these boards because I know whenever I was feeling pain due to my ex, this place always cheered me up and set me back on the right path. So am I truly over my ex if I still have these feelings when I see her pictures? I just wonder what could have been if we had stayed together. How pathetic is it that I can feel this way about someone who I technically haven't been in a romantic relationship with for 9 years? Can BPDs truly damage a person to the point that they are still feeling that damage almost a decade later? Thanks!

[OutOfEgypt]

Hi Megatron,

Sorry you're struggling and glad you're here.  Try not to take it too much to heart.  I think it is pretty understandable.  I don't think there is a "normal" in these situations.  There's just continued growth and learning.

I see her in these pictures and she looks happy to me so I figure her life is now great and she has been "fixed" and no longer has any problems with BPD. And I get depressed because I feel like my life is no good and she has moved on with no problem at all.

But let's be realistic about this.  Part of this is because *everybody* looks like they have a happy, easy life on FB, and part of it is because people with BPD/NPD are all about the image they present.  It's fake.  I can guarantee you that she's not "fixed" and having a normal life.

I share children with my ex, and so I've had the benefit of having some line of sight into her life since we divorced, and it has not been what she wants to present.  At first it was difficult because it was impossible to go NC, and I hated it, but I also see that having this forced-visibility helped me in some ways.

And do you think part of your reaction could be that seeing these pictures makes you realize that you resent her?  Like... "why should she be able to have a normal, happy life, after all she put me through? (and with that guy I knew, too?)"  I've seen that with my sister in moving on from her uNPD ex husband.  If there's anything "normal" about these, I think that is part of it, and I would probably struggle with it, too, if I didn't already know the crazy drama that was really happening behind the scenes in her life.

I don't know how long you were with your ex or the details of your story, but I think if there's anything "normal" it is that these people have had a major impact on our lives.  If I bumped into my ex in the store, you can bet I would still have a reaction - an internally violent reaction of revulsion that would probably come across as nervousness outwardly.  Our hearts know what kind of people they are, and there's no way we won't have some reaction.

[Leonis]

Like... "why should she be able to have a normal, happy life, after all she put me through?

That's totally the thing that reopens the scar.

I felt like that too recently based on some speculations. I felt that if my ex "fixed" herself, she owed me and our son a normal life as a family instead of seeking out some other men.

But the truth is, there is always more than meets the eye.

Don't feel bad dude. You found someone who appreciates you. Treasure that. Your ex still deserves her happiness should they manage to overcome her problems. The most you could expect them is a heartfelt apology.

If you were single and/or have tethers like children...I do think it's fair that she should come back and make things right instead of moving on.

[Longterm]

I hate FB with a passion. If somebody has lost a dog it can come in handy but besides that I find it very dangerous. The only social media I use is Instagram but that is for sharing hobby stuff, there is a very good community on there that I benefit from. FB imo is very much "keeping up with the Jones's". It gives the wrong impression and encourages people to have a second life, a fake life, it encourages narcassism, I find it vile.

My ex had posted on FB and gave the impression she was so "happy". The reality was she was wallowing in self pity, her drug problem had got to the point where it was an all day everyday thing, her depression had her pretty much bed bound and it led to an eventual suicide attempt.

My ex continued the dysfunctional behaviour I had dealt with and in many regards it got worse. Your ex will be displaying dysfunctional behaviour too, your just not seeing it. A BPD cannot sustain happiness and if she is untreated then you did the right thing for YOU by implementing NC.

I would look back and think about the way in which she treated you, do you miss it?

[once removed]

I see her in these pictures and she looks happy to me so I figure her life is now great and she has been "fixed" and no longer has any problems with BPD. And I get depressed because I feel like my life is no good and she has moved on with no problem at all.

you wont heal by building a recovery on the outcome of your ex, or if your happiness and fulfillment are based on whether she is happy or fulfilled.

Is it normal for years and years to go by and still feel the damage that a person with BPD has caused you?

it says that this relationship and the wounds you have carried both before it and since still linger - there is work to be done. that can be an important opportunity.

i read your previous posts. it sounds like the ending was really tough, and i imagine it being your first love, that much tougher...we learn a lot of lessons from our first loves, some good lessons, some lessons that might need adjusting. you know, i dated a girl once, when her and i were both 18. when she broke up with me, i was really devastated, for years really. to this day (14 years later), i occasionally have dreams about her that stir things up. it sounds like you and i really take rejection hard.

7 years ago, this was the narrative of how things broke down in your relationship:

How she remembers: Our relationship just casually ended because we were both unhappy and the relationship was making her a btch and we weren't a "good match".

How I remember: A week before she left me and moved far away, we were planning on getting back together after we had been broken up for 8 months and she told me she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me. A week later after she kept prying and I finally told her about something I did during our breakup, that was it, she said she wanted me out of her life and that I was the devil.

what does your narrative look like now?

[Megatron]

what does your narrative look like now?

Thank you for your reply. The narrative is still pretty much the same which is not good. I never really got any closure at all even though I haven't been in contact with her in 6 years. I told her in 2013 never to contact me again and she actually listened, which surprised me because I thought BPDs would keep trying to contact. But I was doing good a lot of the time in these past 6 years not thinking about her much and living my life and I never checked her Facebook. I really like the phrase 'Ignorance is bliss' because not knowing what she was up to was good for me. Now I know and old wounds have reopened. Its crazy how long ago this was and I'm still feeling the effects of it.

[Megatron]

If you were single and/or have tethers like children...I do think it's fair that she should come back and make things right instead of moving on.

No kids, but do you think even if I was single she should come back and make things right even though I haven't spoken to her in 6 years? I really thought she would have contacted me so that's part of why I think she has healed from her BPD ways. Its sick that I still think about this. I am seeing someone romantically right now and I shouldn't be this hung up on memories from the past.

[Megatron]

I don't know how long you were with your ex or the details of your story

Its a very long story to go through all the details. Here is a thread from 7 years ago that explains a lot of it, if you have any interest reading: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=175207.0

In a nutshell, we were together 5 years. Each other's first real loves. She suffered from years of sexual abuse by her stepfather when she was a child. Her parents divorced. Her mother had signs of BPD also. She was black and white a lot, would get angry with me and I didn't understand why she was so angry and I would try to be so loving with her at times but it didn't matter. Then she would be nice to me for periods at a time. Looking back, we fought a lot and she threatened to break up with me a lot and no matter what I would say it didn't matter, but she would only "forgive me" on her terms. It is making me realize how toxic most of this relationship was. She would just say that we weren't a good match and that our relationship is what made her so mean and nasty and she couldn't believe how she treated me. Then I would just feel like its mostly my fault. Sorry to rant, I can't believe I am on this forum again for the first time in 5 or 6 years, but I am glad I came back because its helping with the current pain I'm experiencing. Thanks all.

[Megatron]

I’m even looking back and saying that I wish I hadn’t told her never to contact me 6 years. Maybe if I didn’t, we would have stayed in contact. It’s like I want to keep torturing myself with what if’s. I don’t even know why I am thinking about such fantasies. It’s like I think maybe we could have rekindled something if we had stayed in touch. Why is it that I still have feelings for someone like this?

[once removed]

Why is it that I still have feelings for someone like this?

why is it that youre scolding yourself for it? that never helps . feelings have a purpose. theyre there for us to probe, to follow like a string, to listen to what theyre telling us.

if i had to guess, its because the feelings of rejection are very strong, never healed, and youd really like to reverse them.

what do you think?

[MeandThee29]

I hate FB with a passion. If somebody has lost a dog it can come in handy but besides that I find it very dangerous. The only social media I use is Instagram but that is for sharing hobby stuff, there is a very good community on there that I benefit from. FB imo is very much "keeping up with the Jones's". It gives the wrong impression and encourages people to have a second life, a fake life, it encourages narcassism, I find it vile.

There's a reason that some call it "Fakebook." It has a place in my life for keeping up with certain people, but it's like passing in a hall at times. Nothing of substance in terms of connection.

We were together for several decades, but whatever he does and who he does it with at this point isn't my concern. And what I do really isn't his concern. Being a little older, I fully intend to remain single. I've had enough relationship turmoil and just want some peace and happiness. And I have that.

[Megatron]

why is it that youre scolding yourself for it? that never helps  . feelings have a purpose. theyre there for us to probe, to follow like a string, to listen to what theyre telling us.

if i had to guess, its because the feelings of rejection are very strong, never healed, and youd really like to reverse them.

what do you think?

Absolutely I never healed and have very strong feelings of rejection. I now feel rejected that she never tried to contact me in the last 6 years after I told her never to do so. How sick is my thinking? I’m now wishing I hadn’t and that she would have continued to contact me. I was doing fine before I checked her FB, now I’m hurt and wishing somehow we had gotten back together. I don’t know how to get rid of these bad feelings and wondering “What if”. Now the thought of her happy with another guy is killing me.

 I obviously never healed properly because I’d probably accept her if she wanted to be with me again. Even though that’s never gonna happen. I’m kicking myself for having these feelings. Why is it I still care for someone who didn’t treat me right? I guess I thought one day everything would work out and we would love happily ever after.

[Leonis]

No kids, but do you think even if I was single she should come back and make things right even though I haven't spoken to her in 6 years?

Maybe not if you are single, but I would feel a sincere apology should have been given. That is, if she did overcome her issues.

With children, it's a matter of broken home. It would be unfair to the children if mommy decided that she cannot be with them even after realizing the errors of her ways. Running off with another person after that epiphany just screams crummy person by that point.

That's my opinion anyways.

[Megatron]

I really didn't think looking at her Facebook would screw me up this much. I really have the strong urge to send my ex an email. I know it would probably be a bad idea, but part of me just really wants to, thinking I can possibly get more closure if I do. Its been 6 years since we spoke. Please, someone talk me out of it before I make another huge mistake.

[Longterm]

Don't do it.

It will not solve Anything, it could possibly open up more wounds. I did 14mths NC and eventually failed to defend myself, as a result I am currently dusting myself and my kids off. It is horrible, truly horrible right now and the worst thing is the shame because I know deep down I did it to myself.

[Megatron]

Maybe not if you are single, but I would feel a sincere apology should have been given. That is, if she did overcome her issues.

With children, it's a matter of broken home. It would be unfair to the children if mommy decided that she cannot be with them even after realizing the errors of her ways. Running off with another person after that epiphany just screams crummy person by that point.

That's my opinion anyways.

I totally understand what you're saying with the children aspect. If you share children together you really can't have zero contact. In my case, no kids together. Its been 6 friggin years of no contact but I still can't let this go. I thought I was doing fine until I checked up on her. Stupid idea and I'm kicking myself for it. Thanks for your support.

[Megatron]

One thing that I’ve been struggling to understand is that I discovered through her FB that she is actually now a special education teacher. She had talked about getting into that many years ago. It confuses me because I wonder how a person with BPD could have such a compassionate and giving career such as a special ed. teacher. It makes me think she’s resolved her issues with BPD. Is it really possible for people with BPD to have normal careers, even in such a wonderful field like special education? I can’t imagine her acting toward coworkers and students like she did with me.

[once removed]

I really have the strong urge to send my ex an email.

you can send your ex an email. but you should consider what the goal is, and what you would want to say. "its been six years but can you give me closure/help me heal" would not yield a high success rate. she wouldnt know what to say.

It confuses me because I wonder how a person with BPD could have such a compassionate and giving career such as a special ed. teacher.

i think this may be tripping you up. there are millions and millions of people with bpd (even more with bpd traits), all of them very different people. it would be like asking how a person with OCD could have a certain profession.

one of things that was most helpful in my healing was to go back and reexamine my narrative. step outside of BPD, and get to the core of why my relationship really broke down, and what happened. in my experience, when i was feeling stuck, it meant that on some level i was avoiding the really tough questions and facts. reopening wounds is an opportunity to really do that, and to heal.

I don’t know how to get rid of these bad feelings and wondering “What if”.

in other words, dont get rid of them. face them head on. learn to live with them, confront them, and, over time, let them go.

looking back at the narrative...

How she remembers: Our relationship just casually ended because we were both unhappy and the relationship was making her a btch and we weren't a "good match".

How I remember: A week before she left me and moved far away, we were planning on getting back together after we had been broken up for 8 months and she told me she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me. A week later after she kept prying and I finally told her about something I did during our breakup, that was it, she said she wanted me out of her life and that I was the devil.

what is her perspective (put yourself in her shoes) and what is valid about it? what is valid about yours? what would be the perspective of an outside, third party?

[Megatron]

in other words, dont get rid of them. face them head on. learn to live with them, confront them, and, over time, let them go.

Facing them head on is tough but I'm trying. The last time I actually spoke to her I sent her a pretty nasty email after she had hurt me and told her never to contact me again. Here we are 6 years later and I never contacted her either. My biggest 'What if' right now is what if I didn't send that email. Was it ok for me to have done that? I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. Maybe I shouldn't have? I could have also contacted her in these past 6 years but I didn't. What if? I have this picture in my mind that if it were different and I had kept in touch with her we would eventually work things out and be together. I think that is one of the huge mistakes to think that when dealing with a person with BPD but I can't help but think it. Its really haunting me. This board has been a great resource to help me but I think I might need to also get some professional help through a therapist.

looking back at the narrative...

what is her perspective (put yourself in her shoes) and what is valid about it? what is valid about yours? what would be the perspective of an outside, third party?

Would it be ok to say that pretty much nothing about her narrative is valid? I'm gonna post one of the last emails she ever sent to me that somewhat describes her narrative of our ending. Shortly after this we did make plans to get together but then she bailed on me and said it would be too uncomfortable for her, that's when I lost it and sent it the email to never contact me again and that I still had strong feelings for her and needed to heal. Anyways, sorry to ramble on and sorry for such a long post, I appreciate really appreciate you and anyone who will take the time to read all of this. Her email:

"I am trying really hard to be sober and to have a more settled life, but so many people here do drugs and no one really seems to be settling down. I would really like if we could be friends and really just friends, because obviously I am sort of an ass in any other circumstance. But I really do care about you and miss you and your family and I want you to be happy. I am coming home in September it would be nice if we could get lunch or something and just catch up. And I am sorry for my behavior and I wish that there was a way to explain how much of an ass I been towards you in the past, but I really can't.

Its funny though because the longer that i am away from the situation the more I realized how nasty I was to you and how sweet you always were and forgiving. I mean you really did not deserve the crap I handed out and I can't believe I even treated someone like that. I think in the end we were really just not a good match. It turned me into a huge btch and you unhappy. But I can't help but still want you in my life because you were my first love and my best friend for so many years, you were my family. I think that was maybe why it was so hard for us to let it go in the end because we were more like family even though we both knew we weren't happy"

Reading that again after all these years has kind of helped me because I see that she really doesn't take much responsibility for the way she acted and blames it on us nothing being a "good match", and says that our relationship is what turned her into this awful person. That's not the narrative I have at all because right before she broke up with me for the last and final time she had just told me she loved me and wanted to spend her life with me and then when she questioned me about something I did during one of our breakups, she went from white to black and said I was truly evil, actually called me the devil, and told me to get out of her life. Wow, is that not BPD behavior or what? I just always thought that maybe if I stayed in her life she would get better and maybe we could rekindle things.

I think I'm slowly starting to see this for what it really is but its hard. Maybe checking her FB and reopening these wounds was a good thing because now I can finally try to heal in a serious way. Going back over old posts and reading stuff here has helped a lot. Thanks for all who have contributed and really helped me, and sorry again for such a long post.

[once removed]

My biggest 'What if' right now is what if I didn't send that email. Was it ok for me to have done that? I thought it was the right thing to do at the time. Maybe I shouldn't have?

its done.

i think we all have a lot of what ifs when it comes to the relationships that brought us here, and other relationships. relationships come into our lives to teach us lessons, about who we are, about who others are, about what relationships are, and can be. i know there were a lot of things i could have done differently in my relationship. i think thats an important lesson to learn. but the fact is, we werent a good match. today, im at peace with that (took me a while to get there!), and because of those lessons, i can be a better match with someone else.

Would it be ok to say that pretty much nothing about her narrative is valid?

do you think an outside third party would see it that way?

the reason i ask, is because i think understanding where our exes were coming from, and understanding how it might look to an outside, third party, brings us outside our personal feelings and perspective, can give us understanding, and help us to detach. but it isnt always easy.

these are some things i would consider, some of them may be challenging.

1. first loves are passionate. they teach us so many things, and there are lots of things we often carry from them that we look for in future partners. they also, more than 99% of the time, come to an end.

2. "not a good match" is, ultimately, why most couples break up. relationships can bring out both the best and worst in both parties. not to get all mrs doubtfire on you, but its why some marriages end, and when they do, they can be better parents to their children, and even better friends.

i think thats what shes saying - that in spite of the love, and the history, the relationship was, on the whole, destructive. at the same time, she treasured your history, and like you, she had regrets. reading your posts though, you dont seem to disagree that at the end of the day, the two of you were not a good match. one of the hardest lessons i ever learned is that two people can love each other very much, and not be able to make it work.

3. it sounds like all of this weighed on her for a very long time. that is usually the case for the person that does the breaking up. they have, to varying extents, grieved the relationship. so both parties are on a different page - and thats why each can have a very different narrative. i know it was the case with my ex. one of, if not the last time i saw her, we had a great time, and she told me she felt like she had fallen in love with me all over again. so the breakup that followed soon after caught me off guard, but in retrospect, the signs were there.

the two of you had been broken up for 8 months. thats a very long time. its very rare that couples reunite after that period of time. that suggests to me that while she had grieved the relationship to an extent, she had also not let go entirely. the two of you both wanted to give it another shot. a few things happened though, in the process. the old relationship issues hadnt been resolved (which often happens when couples give it another shot). she blew a gasket when she found out youd messed around with someone else during the breakup. she was also facing moving away. getting back together seemed nice at the time, but probably wasnt going to work out.

now, where does BPD play into all of that: for starters, people with BPD traits are impulsive, and they over express themselves, speak in over the top ways, in both good and bad ways (youre the best person in the world, youre the worst person in the world). more than likely, when she told you she loved you and wanted to spend her life with you, she meant it; it seemed like a good idea at the time, but not realistic, and she hadnt thought it through. second, people with bpd traits have inherent and deep seated trust issues; thats why she worried about whether youd messed around with anyone else, and blew a gasket when she found out you did...so she went from love, to the other extreme, hate. her letter to you sounds more like what she was thinking when she returned back to baseline, closer to the grey than black or white: she had deep regrets, she cared for you, but she had accepted that the relationship had come to an end.

what parts of that narrative ring true for you?

[Megatron]

what parts of that narrative ring true for you?

A lot of it does ring true. I don't know if we were a good match or not, but I'd like to think that it wasn't solely because of me that she acted the way she did during our relationship. There were many times I thought we were a great match. I guess I just have a hard time seeing her side of things because I'm so caught up in my side. And I never really looked at it as a third party. But I guess what I'm wondering is maybe she doesn't have BPD and it was because she was with me that all these behaviors came out. That sucks to think that because I was nothing but kind and sweet to her during our time together. All the times we fought I was so confused as to why she wanted to fight and why she was so angry with me. If for no reason I bring out the worst in people then I am doomed for future relationships.

I'll just have to keep moving forward. Thanks for your kind and thoughtful words. I appreciate it.

[once removed]

I guess I just have a hard time seeing her side of things because I'm so caught up in my side. And I never really looked at it as a third party.

its a challenging, but rewarding exercise. it helps us better see ourselves.

If for no reason I bring out the worst in people then I am doomed for future relationships.

this is black and white thinking.

it sounds like you are interpreting her letter literally, and as blame, ie "you (or the relationship) made me that way". i dont think thats what she was saying. even if she were, it wouldnt be realistic...we are all responsible for our own behavior. i also get the sense that this belief is a deep wound that existed before her, but on some level, feels as if she confirmed it, as well as any rejection before or since. its a self defeating belief. that is what needs healing. she cant heal it for you. but it can be healed.

[Megatron]

I guess I'm just looking for confirmation that no matter what I did I couldn't save the relationship. I do understand I had a part to play in the breakdown of the relationship, but I do think her BPD traits also played a big part in it too. It just makes me feel better knowing that it wasn't my fault that she acted the way she did. Like you said we are all responsible for our own behavior. But I don't think she even really took responsibility for how she acted, saying in her letter she can't really explain why she treated me the way she did. Maybe she should have figured out why. Perhaps her BPD was just amplified by her relationship with me. Maybe in another relationship with someone else her BPD is more under control. Was there anything I could have done to stop her from ultimately leaving? I suppose that's a pointless question to ask now. I will have to face the fact that there will forever remain unanswered questions.

[Megatron]

The worst part about all this is am actually dating someone who really likes me and treats me wonderfully, yet I can’t get past these hurt feelings over my ex. But it’s actually making me realize what a real loving relationship should be like and that they way my ex treated me wasn’t healthy at all. So that’s a good thing I guess. It’s just going to take a bit of time to reckons the wounds I just reopened by looking at my ex’s FB. She was out of sight out of mind but I stupidly put her back into my sight and now I can’t get her out of my mind. Ugh.

[Leigh122]

I can totally relate to how you feel, my husband has BPD.  While it may not be 6 years, for me it doesn't take long to forget the issues.  I think partly because they don't take responsibility.  It's not a normal relationship of conflict resolution.  It's blaming you for everything wrong when things are not good.  When things are good, then they glorify you and the relationship is amazing/full of passion.  So if I had to guess, you are probably thinking of the amazing part of the relationship and possibly thinking that you were the cause of the relationship failing especially since she appears to be thriving without you.  Unfortunately, just my thoughts, if she has BPD she is still struggling but you will never know it.  My husband's mother and sister have no idea my husband has BPD.  They are amazing actors because of their identity issues.  Everyone thinks my husband is the most amazing and selfless man except my family and close friends of course. You escaped from it, when you are married...it's complicated.  They know exactly how to turn everything on you.  Please don't email, I guarantee you...you will feel worse than before because she will convince you it was your fault and she was the best thing that ever happened to you.  Please remember how you felt when you were in the relationship. 

[Megatron]

Thanks for your reply Leigh. You are right, I just seem to be focusing more on the good times we had. However I’ve been going through the history of our entire relationship and I’ve realized how many bad times there were, times where I didn’t know what I did wrong but she would be angry and nasty with me, then she’d be fine for a while, then mad again. No matter how much I tried to reason with her and comfort her when she was upset it didn’t matter. She would come back around and be nice on HER terms. The littlest of things set her off. I completely forgot the time she threw a potted plant at me and almost hit me in the head. Or the time she got so enraged with me she grabbed my guitar and smashed it all over the place. She did buy me a replacement but that doesn’t make her behavior OK. Even if I did do something to justify her being upset with me, her reactions were way blown out of proportion.

I also remember the times after the breakup when we stayed in touch. How I flew all the way to Hawaii to see her and she basically wanted nothing to do with me when I got there, claiming, to my confusion, that I was acting like I was “wanting to be with her” and it made her uncomfortable. I still forgave her after that. Looking back there were so many chaotic times yet my mind tries to only focus on the good, and that is what I miss and what makes me sad. If I focus on the bad, maybe I’ll realize that the relationship was not something that was good for me at all.

[once removed]

I guess I'm just looking for confirmation that no matter what I did I couldn't save the relationship.

the relationship ended. it ended for a reason(s). no one person, no one particular action or inaction can save a relationship alone. relationship breakdowns and endings are bigger than that.

i think a lot of us want that same confirmation for a while after the relationship ends, and when we first learn about BPD. it helps us cope.

but it doesnt really teach us the lessons that we want to take into future relationships (stage 3 of detaching); it avoids them, and it keeps us attached to the wounds. and at the end of the day, if we need to hear it that badly, is it really true? or at least, is it that simple? i empathize. i begged those around me to tell me the same thing. they did, several times, but it wouldnt heal me. thats because my wounds were bigger than her or the relationship, or whether i could have saved it or not. when i realized that, i was better able to accept that it ended, and why.

If I focus on the bad, maybe I’ll realize that the relationship was not something that was good for me at all.

maybe...thats one way to cope. its one that i tried myself.

if you ask a girl on a date, and she says no, there are a variety of ways to cope with the rejection over it. one is to say "it was her, not me", or focus on her negatives, tell yourself you didnt like her much, that kind of thing. another is to learn to face it, to be able to say "it just wasnt meant to be, and thats okay". the latter will make you a more resilient person with healthier self esteem.

focus on the reality of the relationship. it was good, and it was bad (if it was all bad, you wouldnt miss it). mourn and grieve the things that were good, and let them go. acknowledge as well that there were real, fundamental problems and that the relationship wasnt ultimately sustainable. think about the things you liked about her and the relationship that youd like to find in future relationships, as well as the ones you didnt like so much that youd rather not experience again. in the same way, think about the aspects of you, the good qualities that you want to take to future relationships, as well as the things you want to improve on or eliminate; who you were vs who you want to be.

[Harri]

This thread reached the post limit and has been locked and split. 

Part 2 is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337779.0