Reflections on my own healing and the relationship

[clvrnn]

(My story with this person is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=335838.msg13047216#msg13047216)

Really just a journalling post, I suppose.

I think I am slowly reaching the mindset that it is truly over between us, this is the longest we have gone without interacting with each other and she has made no attempt to contact me, which I thought she may have done, by now (based on my understanding of the idealisation/devaluation patterns of those with BPD and her history of interacting with me). I did change my number a few months ago, though; she could email me, but she doesn't seem the type to sit and email someone.

It has been very difficult to process the fact that someone ended a relationship because their feelings for me DID exist, rather than in a standard relationship where someone's feelings have died... that knowledge kept hope alive within me for a long time and still does, I think. I still have no real answer as to why she avoided me. I have gone over our final interactions for months, trying to understand it.

It's been very difficult to be someone that someone blamed for their anger, when I know I didn't cause it, and that THAT is the reason for the break up. It's been a difficult road to come to the understanding that reality is often distorted for pwBPD, and that no matter what I say she will still believe that I am doing things to trigger her all the time, "intentionally".

I think I will have to conclude that she felt shame/guilt for either hurting me or ruining the relationship. That she wanted to be friends, but could see that I was hurt and felt a sense of shame and frustration that she had caused that situation. I cannot see anything that would have caused her to hate me, and usually, she'd tell me to go away or stop messaging her, if she hadn't wanted me to contact her/was angry with me. Again, that doesn't make detaching any easier. With her, avoidance seems to indicate strong feelings. Doesn't help! Would be better if she just hated me, l o l.

At this point also, I've had to accept that she may have been or may be involved with someone else. I don't think she has, relationships seem to cause extreme splitting within her and she seems very aware of the behavioural changes that happen. However, I don't know either way, and have had to accept that she may be with someone else. That has been quite painful to accept, and I've really had to plough through some difficult feelings and thoughts, there. I don't own that spot in her life, and she is free to go and try with someone else. Just because it's not what I want her to do, it doesn't mean she can't do it. I think also it upset me because it would mean that there's zero chance of her coming back to me with a recycle - even though I know that wouldn't be healthy.

I feel as if, even with the idealisation (or maybe this is just hope) that she did love me, and did genuinely want to be with me but that this stuff just kept happening inside her mind and she couldn't control it. She never spoke about anyone significant apart from an ex she was with four years prior, who she met at high school. She'd often say "why do I always meet someone when I'm in education?" - that led me to think that I WAS significant to her, but that she just wasn't ready. I could be wrong, though.

Going back to university is also still on my mind. I don't feel as frightened of it, but I do feel as if it's an inconvenience, now. I feel like it would be easier and better just not to see her again - especially in the environment that we met, and shared a lot of memories, etc. I don't intend to interact much with anyone there, in general I'm a bit bored of uni now anyway and have lost enthusiasm for it. I think this will be a road bump in my healing, when it comes up.

I also feel worried about how I'll feel when university ends. While this has been a draining cycle, it's unlikely I will see her again after that. It will be a total end to this entire chapter in my life, with her. It's as if things have ended, but they haven't completely ended right now, if that makes sense.

I don't know how I'll feel when it comes around. Seeing her may not make me feel anything, because there is still significant time before we go back. I sometimes wonder if I should have been so upset over what was quite a short relationship, I try not to shame myself and let myself feel everything, though.

I realise that everyone is free to make choices that benefit their own emotional wellbeing and that's what she did. I try to be generous in my thoughts and allow her the freedom to do what makes her happy.

I can't really see myself with anyone else for a long time. Not because it won't match up to her, or anything like that. Just because I am so drained and tired and I don't really want to be with anyone, anymore.

But yeah. It's reaching the point where I've had to accept the reality of all of this. Trying hard not to live in the future OR the past, and accepting that she ended things and probably isn't coming back.

[clvrnn]

I have learnt a lot about myself, and I feel as if I have developed many strengths during this time.

I've learnt to accept someone's decision, whether or not I think it's valid. That has been the hardest thing to learn and accept. I didn't plead or beg with her, which I've done in the past with other partners. I just couldn't bring myself to even enter that mindset with her, and I'm not sure why.

I regret reaching out as many times as I did (even though I don't think it was that many) - not to place blame, but I think if I hadn't been on the receiving end of push/pull for as long as I was I wouldn't have assumed that she would engage with me if I tried again. I would have just left it.

Dealing with difficult thoughts, difficult emotions. That's been hard. I've wanted to end my life several times. Wanted to scream. Wanted to smash things up. Wanted to go to her house and ring the bell and demand answers. I did none of those things, and rode the emotions to this point. That's given me unintentional strength and resilience.

This experience has taught me the most about myself and my personality and emotions more than anything ever has. I think if I ever enter another relationship I'd be a different person altogether. I almost wish I was like THIS when I met pwBPD, I would have been better equipped to handle everything that went on without all the anxiety and frightening emotional pain. 

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi clvrnn, you have some great insight – into you own behaviours, hers and the dynamic of the relationship and how it played out. You're maybe not in a great place right now, but the work you've done (as in the insight and understanding) will help you so much going forward. Healing is much longer and less 'complete' in a sense for those who are stuck in anger and resentment. That doesn't seem to be the case for you.

You talk about love and if she loved you. I know that many hold the opinion that pwBPD don't love or can't love. I don't think that's true. BPD is not a prohibitor for feeling love. A person with BPD is first and foremost a person, so sure they feel love and love deeply. How they manage to express it is a different thing, though. Or did you mean if it was more just a flirt from her side? There's no way of knowing, as you are already aware. But without feeling and closeness, the BPD symptoms aren't really present. More feelings and more closeness equal more symptoms. Does saying this make it better for you? Or harder maybe ...?

It's reaching the point where I've had to accept the reality of all of this. Trying hard not to live in the future OR the past, and accepting that she ended things and probably isn't coming back.

I'm in the same struggle at the moment, and what helps me is what you're saying here. Be present in the moment, not ruminate too much over the past. Maybe look forwards towards some concrete things to come, but not stay so much in the future that you aren't present in the here and now. The only way is through.

[once removed]

Dealing with difficult thoughts, difficult emotions. That's been hard. I've wanted to end my life several times. Wanted to scream. Wanted to smash things up. Wanted to go to her house and ring the bell and demand answers. I did none of those things, and rode the emotions to this point. That's given me unintentional strength and resilience

this will be a source of comfort and pride even years from now, long after the pain is gone. and it will serve you well.

[Longterm]

I have learnt a lot about myself, and I feel as if I have developed many strengths during this time. 

Take this with you, you are changed and that's a good thing.

I wish you well in your continued recovery.

[clvrnn]

Thank you for the kind responses, everyone.

Today I am struggling a bit with wanting to make contact. I am trying to draw from all the reasons of why I shouldn't do so;

• I believe it's looks far better (even though it doesn't feel it) to remain silent, than to repeatedly reach out to a person who, for whatever reason, has decided to ignore all previous attempts at contact
• I don't want anyone to label me as someone that just can't move on - regardless of whether I have or not, I am not in control of how she may talk to others about me
• She may well ignore me again, or may say something hurtful - I don't want to experience any more pain on or be set backwards in healing
• She may even respond, and may want to try and be friends which I think would be very painful for me. We may also begin the cycle again - again I probably do want that, but she is unlikely to have changed, and it's better I work through the residual pain now and not go through it again/
• • She may be with someone else, and thus have a completely negative and skewed view of me, may be in the midst of idealisation with someone and see me as only negative, no thank you
  
  I do really want to reach out today, but I have to try my best to remember that healing isn't linear, and that it's really in my best interests to stay NC. Contacting her won't change anything about the situation, and may make it worse. I've already said things I wanted to say to her and there was no response.

[Longterm]

It's difficult Isn't it.

I would concentrate on the way you have been treated, plus the thought of getting a response that would be detrimental to you. If you did contact and you did get a good response, what would that mean? What if she said "let's give it another go"? Would you? Could you trust her? Are you 100% sure she would not do it again? Can you/she controls the BPD? How many reconciliation success stories have you read?

I'm sure you get the point I'm trying to make.
I went to alcohol recovery nearly 2 years ago and they taught me something called "playing the tape back", it's where you are tempted to have that first drink, you watch yourself enjoying your night, doing the craziest things and then waking up in the morning wanting to die because of all the things you said/done the previous night. At this point you play the tape back and you would be surprised at how much you don't want that drink anymore .

My ex came back and told me I was her soulmate etc blah blah blah. Then dropped me and my kids on our heads. I have played the tape back and the regret I have from having contact after 14mths is shameful. I have never felt so stupid and taken in in all my life, the trauma is unbearable.

What would you get from contacting her? Would it ease your pain? Think about it.

[Oxo]

This thread has been so helpful . It never ceases to amaze me just how many are on the same journey as me and similar experiences and feelings . Like you I get periods of regret and "should I try once more"  and my thoughts drift into the good times usually when I'm  feeling so lonley but I make sure I stop going down that rabbit hole and focus on the horrendous level of hatred and abuse I have suffered and it stops me descending into remorse.

[clvrnn]

I would concentrate on the way you have been treated, plus the thought of getting a response that would be detrimental to you. If you did contact and you did get a good response, what would that mean? What if she said "let's give it another go"? Would you? Could you trust her? Are you 100% sure she would not do it again? Can you/she controls the BPD? How many reconciliation success stories have you read?

This is such a good reply, thank you LT. I couldn't trust her, no. How could I, really? I'd be terrified that every look/glance/change in my voice inflection would be the trigger for another break up/rage. She can't control herself at all, either. And no, I can't say I've read ANY reconciliation success stories!

I went to alcohol recovery nearly 2 years ago and they taught me something called "playing the tape back", it's where you are tempted to have that first drink, you watch yourself enjoying your night, doing the craziest things and then waking up in the morning wanting to die because of all the things you said/done the previous night. At this point you play the tape back and you would be surprised at how much you don't want that drink anymore .

I've been doing that since you posted here, that's actually really helpful. Going right back to the beginning and playing it through until the end. It does really work.

My ex came back and told me I was her soulmate etc blah blah blah. Then dropped me and my kids on our heads. I have played the tape back and the regret I have from having contact after 14mths is shameful. I have never felt so stupid and taken in in all my life, the trauma is unbearable.

God, I am so sorry this happened to you. Where are you now, in regards to your situation? Please don't feel stupid. The last thing you need is self-loathing to go with everything else you must be feeling.

What would you get from contacting her? Would it ease your pain? Think about it.

To be honest, I'd get that initial thrill of doing something I'm not supposed to be doing - contacting her, with the possibility of entering another cycle - that's very unhealthy but that's the truth. Then I think regret, disappointment in myself, annoyance at stripping away even more of my own dignity, letting her know that she can do whatever and I'll be waiting in the wings, embarrassment, sadness if she doesn't respond, etc etc. So yeah, I guess... a lot of negatives.

[Longterm]

God, I am so sorry this happened to you. Where are you now, in regards to your situation?

I am going to make a post about it, a few things have happened the past few days.

Thanks, I'm glad you could resonate with what I said. I know it's hard, I am nearing 2yrs out and would like nothing more than a truthful, loyal and functional wife but reality states she is non of those things, it is extremely painful. You are not alone.

[Wicker Man]

...initial thrill ... something I'm not supposed to be doing - contacting her...

One year in to NC, almost to the day, I had a brief exchange (3 days) with my undiagnosed ex-girlfriend (Oh God... embarrassing...  I doubled down on a bad hand...  fiancé)...  Here is what I learned...  She is the most charismatic person with whom I have ever spoked hands down -(I despise hyperbole and use it rarely... except in describing her -she is a series of 'off the charts' data points)  She is literally magical (the good).  During this brief exchange (around Christmas when she short circuited and made me fear for very life -epiphany? break-down? moment of enlightenment?) during our exchange I learned she did not have the ability to introspect and take responsibility for her actions (the bad).  Dichotomous thinking is, ironically, a trait of people with BPD --   well... in her extremes she caused the trait in me.  My life was becoming polarized between black and white, good and bad, heaven and hell --This is unhealthy and unsustainable... Something will give.

Love is really damn hard work -Early romantic attraction is not love.  It is ---> Limerence (the cocaine like high of a new relationship -shelf life 6-18 months) Limerence is easy any Man-Jack of us can be enraptured, carried away, and briefly believe in a fairytale love story.  By love I mean long term, sustainable, I'd give you the shirt off my back love. 

The compromise, empathy, and the trust it takes to know your love is someone you can count on when life goes pear shaped.  --- '生活艰难' -'Life is hard'.  Ironically, my ex taught me this phrase in Mandarin...  However... she is the one who would cut and run when life got even tepid... We really never faced anything less than minor inconvenience in the continuum of what life has to offer!  What drove her to break us was a brief delay in my giving a house to her family -Honestly... If anticipation of a 'free' house is too much what in the wide wide world of sports would have happened in the face of illness and death?  --I am old enough to know both.

My 'Dream Come True' lives life at DEFCON 2 (High readiness; armed forces ready to deploy in a few hours...)  When things go wrong 'push the button!'  Leave, ghost, jump into someone's bed.  Close ears and heart --open legs.  Most painful version of 'duck and cover' ever!  I was in love with someone who embraced a 'scorched earth' as a life philosophy -I would have preferred Buddhism to be honest... 

...with the possibility of entering another cycle - that's very unhealthy but that's the truth.

With one text I could re-enter the 'Paradise Circus' with her (this means, as I live and breath, she would destroy whomever she is currently living and come back to me, just like she did when we met...) --within that circus, lies my doom.  I know down deep, the year I spent researching BPD, I was hoping against hope I was wrong to leave her --I was not!.  My inner child kept whispering to me you walked away from a fairytale love...  She touched my soul, my inner child woke up and yearned -that was her magic.  She is also toxic and a dangerous person at this point in her live --She is not ready for a real , healthy, sustainable relationship.  I came in heavy and offered her all of this and more --it was not enough to overcome the damage a devastating childhood wrought upon her... There is nothing which would have been enough at this point in her life's journey

...regret ...disappointment ...annoyance ...stripping away [my] dignity...

You were guilty of believing in the fairytales we were told from the moment we could born...  Please go easy on yourself. 

But! for the love of God never forget what you have just written here. --regret... disappointment ... stripping away ... my dignity.

I know, I know... It is ubiquitous to the point of banality... but...

“When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.”

                                                                                                     ― Maya Angelou

We should not disregard or diminish the possibility of our own pathology in these relationships -however... I feel I was guilty of being a romantic and an optimist (in the face of contradictory evidence...).  Yes... I am the result of being a parentified child -but I don't believe this made me more inclined to believe her.  I had just, simply put, never in my life met anyone who says thing which have no bearing on their actions. (Somewhere...Maya laughs)

[clvrnn]

Thank you to everyone that responded in this thread; the replies haven't gone unnoticed and have provided a significant amount of insight and strength over the past few days.

Wicker Man - I have read about your story here and there. You have developed a great understanding of your situation and yourself. Your story is one that provides a lot of insight. I draw strength from people like you on this website; knowing that you can come out of these situations a much stronger person.

I did not contact her. I get those strong urges to, from time to time. But I cast my mind back to when I was contacting her, and when I did not receive a response. There is nothing on this Earth that could tempt me to head willingly back into the pain of silence from that person. That pain was unlike anything I have ever experienced, and I will never do that again.

[clvrnn]

I am feeling better every day - she is still on my mind, but it is not as painful as it was. I am able to just get on with things, although I do still miss her sometimes. I think that the amount of reading I have done about BPD has finally sunk in; there seems to be no benefit to being involved with her, and pointless to head back into it as the cycle will continue.

Sometimes I do check her social media - I try not to, as it's very painful and damaging. I noticed that she had saved two songs. These songs were visible on my profile, and I've been listening to them for months. These songs aren't popular or mainstream, and it puzzled me to see them on her profile. I assumed from that that she is looking at my profile. Maybe she isn't, but it is very odd to see them being added together.

That made me think all sorts of things; she has no way of contacting me, and I have read about those with BPD sometimes doing things to catch your attention when they haven't heard from you in a while. Who knows, anyway. I am trying not to think about it too much - I mentioned it here because this is a safe space, but all in all I don't really analyse it too much. I went through that period and it consumed me.

My focus now is just on my final year of university. I am worried about seeing her - not as worried as I was, but in all honesty I'd rather just not see her. Not because it makes me anxious, or anything - just because I want to close that chapter of my life and not have to be around her again.

The pain and disrespectful manner in which she's treated me for almost two years, picking me up and dropping me whenever she wanted - it took me a long time but I am really never going to engage with her again. I have worked so hard to be free of the pain she caused, I would be letting myself down to even try and be friends with her. She never valued me or treated me with respect. What hurts me more is that I never stood up for myself, and I was so low on confidence that I accepted her behaviours and never walked away. I wish I had.

Anyway, this has turned into a complete ramble - thank you to anyone that's read this nonsense!

[MeandThee29]

It's difficult Isn't it.

I would concentrate on the way you have been treated, plus the thought of getting a response that would be detrimental to you. If you did contact and you did get a good response, what would that mean? What if she said "let's give it another go"? Would you? Could you trust her? Are you 100% sure she would not do it again? Can you/she controls the BPD? How many reconciliation success stories have you read?

I'm sure you get the point I'm trying to make.
I went to alcohol recovery nearly 2 years ago and they taught me something called "playing the tape back", it's where you are tempted to have that first drink, you watch yourself enjoying your night, doing the craziest things and then waking up in the morning wanting to die because of all the things you said/done the previous night. At this point you play the tape back and you would be surprised at how much you don't want that drink anymore .

My ex came back and told me I was her soulmate etc blah blah blah. Then dropped me and my kids on our heads. I have played the tape back and the regret I have from having contact after 14mths is shameful. I have never felt so stupid and taken in in all my life, the trauma is unbearable.

What would you get from contacting her? Would it ease your pain? Think about it.

This is an excellent post. I help with a local recovery ministry, and the applications of AA/Al-Anon principles has helped me as much as therapy. There are so many nuggets that apply. One of my favorites of late:

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. Advanced insanity is doing the same thing over and over again knowing what will happen, but doing it anyway.

I seriously cannot count the number of discards at this point. Mine was a long-term marriage, so it would be a lot. He'd say that he was giving up and that we were headed for divorce, and then some days later he'd take it back. A few times it was a month before he'd take it back. It's taken a lot of work to see why I tolerated that and to get to the point where I admitted my faults and set criteria for reconciliation that protected me.

Now that I'm here, it's hard but not too bad. I have a good support network and have no doubt that I'll come through this OK.  

[Wicker Man]

I accepted her behaviours and never walked away. I wish I had.

Try not to beat yourself up on would have, should have, could have.  You were doing the best you could at the time and with the information you had.  At least in my case the relationship was polarized (good and bad, black and white) -- but not all bad.  She is not the devil, she is a lovely, funny, charismatic, and oh so smart, young woman with a serious disorder.  

I was brought up to never give up on people... -thanks mom...  It takes a long time for me to reach the tipping point of walking away from relationships -sometimes having a thick skin and a lot of patience can get me in a lot of trouble.  Most of the time this has served me well in life and in relationships -but in this case it caused me to overlook and explain away some egregious behaviors.  

I was consciously doing a cost benefit analysis of our relationship as it went on, but I was blinding myself to the most dangerous cost.  This was her propensity to flee when she was feeling emotionally overwhelmed.  Well... life is hard and overwhelming at times and to this end you need to be with someone who will be there at your side to face adversity -not exacerbate it.  -For me breaking up has always been a line in the sand -because breaking up leaves no room for negotiation, resolution, or a reasonable future.  

I explained M.A.D. (mutually assured destruction) to her.  I am a child of the cold war and living with the specter of annihilation was bad enough on the world stage -I didn't want it in my home life.  I tried to explain the nuclear option (breaking up) ultimately leads to both of our annihilation... it did.

...this nonsense!

@clvrnn This last post of yours was about as far away from nonsense as could be.  The growth and strength you describe is herculean.  If you have any doubt look back at your posts from only a couple months ago -you have come a long way and arrived in a healthier place.  You should be proud of yourself.

--and congratulations on soon beginning your senior year!

[Longterm]

I was brought up to never give up on people... -thanks mom..

About 15yrs ago me and my ex split. She went on 2 dates with a random guy and said she thought she was pregnant and this guy was moving in. When she found out I had a new partner she destroyed that relationship then begged me back. I laughed and her and went and told my mom what she said. My mom looked at me very seriously and said "go back to your kids". I was stunned but did what mommy told me. It was the biggest mistake of my life and it really bothers me that my mom's advice was wrong.

Thanks mom...

[Wicker Man]

... it really bothers me that my mom's advice [re-enter relationship] was wrong.

It is hard to grasp how difficult a relationship can be when there is BPD involved.  Even Moms can get it wrong...  The mayhem is beyond comprehension -until you have lived through it.

[Longterm]

My dad died when I was little and it was up to my mom to do it alone. She did for a good while before my Step dad (a great guy) came along. I think she sympathized with my ex.

My parents never saw any difficulty in the relationship besides me keep messing it up. My ex was very good at convincing others that she was perfect but the reality behind closed doors was very different. My parents adored her and I'm thankful they are no longer here to see this mess.

Anytime we had an argument I would go to my parents and they would always say "What you done now?". Looking back it was so frustrating.

When my nephew lived with us (her side) for 6mths prior to the split he saw it as it was. To this day he still says I did nothing wrong and will not hear a bad word said against me. Everybody else thinks I brainwashed him . Strange I mentioned that because they believe I brainwashed the kids too. They never stop to think that maybe their mothers treatment of them may have something to do with the fact they have issues with her.

[clvrnn]

I find that my healing seems to go through very distinct stages.

I feel quite sad, thinking about the fact that she has lived her life without me - made new friends, perhaps been romantically involved with someone else, heard new songs, bought new clothes, etc. I know nothing about her, anymore. I haven't seen or spoken to her for many months, and it seems as if this knowledge isn't really helping me(?) I don't know. I still remember everything about our dynamic, whereas maybe she doesn't. Maybe she has a whole new set of inside jokes/songs with other people/someone else, or likes a show I know nothing about. All the smaller things.

Seeing her at university will be strange, it feels like I barely know her, now. I feel at times stupid for remaining upset for so long, when it feels like she has just moved on and away from me without a second thought. And the worst part of it all, as always, is that there isn't an actual REASON she ended things or became angry at me. It was all a mixture of thoughts/feelings inside her, projected on to me. I'm used to people losing interest, falling out of love, etc. I don't think I'll ever get used to the fact of what happened and why it happened.

It feels weird. I don't think she will speak to me. I feel as if I'm fixated on whether she'll talk to me or not, and really living in the future.

But really, I would feel disrespected if she attempted to talk to me. And hurt. I feel as if I never really get the true 'her', just the time at uni. Just bits and pieces of her life. It's unlikely I'll see her again after uni ends, either. I feel very strange. The urge to tell her how I feel sometimes dies off; why would I contact some old ex, for one. Two, she won't care. What's the point? She's lived a full life without me, this is what she wanted. I still feel very hurt.

I can 'feel' the 'painted black' - I feel as if I've been labelled as some sort of criminal, negative, etc. Unfairly convicted, innocent.

Someone messaged me on Facebook, someone that has been into me for years. And I couldn't even reply, I burst out crying and shut the conversation. I realised that I can't even date or even talk to anyone else. I feel abandoned and stuck.

[clvrnn]

I give up on trying to heal. Clearly I'm not going to. Clearly I'm doomed to be in this mess forever.

[once removed]

I feel abandoned and stuck.
...
Clearly I'm doomed to be in this mess forever.

in my own experience of being stuck (happened plenty of times!) it often meant that there was an aspect of detaching that i was avoiding because of the pain it represented.

do you think that could be the case here?

[Longterm]

Hi clvrnn.


I find that my healing seems to go through very distinct stages.

This is true of all of us. It appears that you may be having a bit of a "down" period? This is perfectly normal and acceptable. If you would not be feeling down at times I would be wondering why not.

What helps me get through these periods is the knowledge that it cannot stay the same, it is impossible. I started off having a couple of bad weeks followed by the odd day or two being ok-ish. I started to mentally record these variations of mood and I noticed that slowly (over months) the times and moods changed. It got to the point where it was literally good week/bad week. I got it into my head around this time that it did not seem to matter so much that my mood was low because I knew it would change again and when I was in a better mood I tended to enjoy it more. I would get so fed up of the low moods that I would tell myself "do your worst, I'll be fine in a few days" and low and behold it always happened. I got so far that I just had the odd bad day and for the most part I was fairly happy.

Accept that you will be very up and down for a while but also accept they they are just emotions, they can only hurt you if you allow them too. You'll be fine clvrnn.

[clvrnn]

an aspect of detaching that i was avoiding because of the pain it represented.

do you think that could be the case here?

I think so, yes. I think that partly I am holding on to the hope that she will engage with me at university, and that we will begin dating again (as this has happened so often in the past). I would say that hope is around 25%. For the most part, I am aware of who she is, what her behaviour is likely to be like, and that she is unlikely to change.

Envisioning returning to university, and having her avoid me and interact with everyone else (as she is entitled to do, and very well may happen) is too painful to think about. Being around her and her never speaking to me again - very painful. Then, uni will end, and this is how things may remain? Too painful. I feel as if I am not strong enough to deal with the complex emotions that all of this is going to bring up in me.

Perhaps also the reality that it is likely I am not in her thoughts, that she may have been with or is with someone else - that is difficult to accept. I would say that I sometimes feel/hope she is thinking about me, that she regrets what she did (in terms of her anger outburst) - despite a lot of time having passed, now. I find it frightening to think of her life moving on without me, because of how close we were. To think of her being involved with someone else is something I cannot think about, because it makes me feel all kinds of scary things, and I have to shut that out of my mind otherwise it will make things 100 times worse.

Perhaps also just finding this whole thing difficult to understand. Despite reading countless stories of people with the same experiences, again, deep down I think our connection MUST have been real, those things she said MUST have meant something, the very fact that she pushed me away means she MUST have felt something. Understanding that again it's likely she's pushed me out of her mind is too painful to comprehend.

[clvrnn]

I think it's also just the unanswered questions, the silence after stating she wanted to "start fresh", the confusing behaviour of her sitting with me but not interacting or talking to me either in person or through messages - I had no idea what was going on, and it was deeply stressful.

The silence, even when I sent her something lighthearted, unrelated to the situation. When previously she has been explicit in stating she wanted space or no contact, that time she just went completely silent. I have been through all - paranoia that I did/said something to cause it, were her feelings too much, etc etc. I think even if I just had from her "I'm sorry I did that to you", I could move along. I know that will never come, though.

Also really, I think I am fixated on this university thing. It has been the force that reunited us each time before, and I probably subconsciously hope it will do so this time, even though it may not.

Fear over her never speaking to me again. Fear over how much time has passed - this has been the longest we have never spoken.

Due to past recycles by her, I had hoped she'd come back (against my better judgement). She hasn't. I've had two years of her push/pull and am normalised to it, which is frustrating and upsetting.

I feel that there are so many layers to this that I don't know where to even begin. Time is passing and progress is so slow.

[once removed]

how long has it been now since she sent the "start fresh" message?

[clvrnn]

how long has it been now since she sent the "start fresh" message?

Wow, that was back in March. A while ago, now.

What I also think is that I may just be dealing with the remnants of the entire, two year situation, and not just the short period we dated. I don't know.

[once removed]

And the worst part of it all, as always, is that there isn't an actual REASON she ended things or became angry at me.

i would gently suggest that this has been a pretty volatile relationship, with a lot of conflict. when that happens, at a certain point, one or both parties reach a breaking point. it may be that she reached a point that she felt that either for you, or for her, or for both of you, that it was best to sever the connection.

I think I am fixated on this university thing

i probably would be too. i dont think that its out of the realm of possibility that the two of you will reconnect, or speak, on some level. i do think it would be best to determine whether you want to leave the roller coaster, or whether you want a very new plan and approach.

I think it's also just the unanswered questions

so if you could ask her questions, what would they be? do you want to post them here?

[Yoke]

@clvrnn! Wow, what u wrote about your feelings/thoughts really made me cry. The ssnsitive way you describe all the pain, thoughts and longing.. it is exactly how I feel it towards my ex who discharged me in May, and not heard anything from her since that. My heart is totally broken as yours... and i struggle every day, just trying to live and not break down in pieces and cry. As you said, you live now, not in the future.. just now. And that i think you have to do. Just be in the moment.. anything else would be too painful to deal with.. Can i ask, how did she break up with you, in what way? What was the accusing about? And how long was it since u heard from her? Please respond. Thanx/ yoke

[clvrnn]

i would gently suggest that this has been a pretty volatile relationship, with a lot of conflict. when that happens, at a certain point, one or both parties reach a breaking point. it may be that she reached a point that she felt that either for you, or for her, or for both of you, that it was best to sever the connection.

Perhaps that was the case. I had been under the assumption that she hated me, or I had done something 'wrong' - the enforced silence she was giving me just gave me that impression. However, what you're suggesting fits in with the way she was acting around me in the last few days I saw her; she didn't seem angry or closed off. If anything, she seemed sad/remorseful, looking at me from a distance etc.

i probably would be too. i dont think that its out of the realm of possibility that the two of you will reconnect, or speak, on some level. i do think it would be best to determine whether you want to leave the roller coaster, or whether you want a very new plan and approach.

If it wasn't for her previous patterns or the nature of the disorder, I wouldn't even consider that she'd talk to me again. I personally feel as if she won't, as there's no reason for her to and we have broken up - however the more complex side of things says we might talk again, might start hanging out. OR she will ignore me and that's that.

I am unsure what I would like. I feel at times as if I want her back. Other times I feel greatly offended and hurt by her behaviour and silence, so I feel as if no, too late. Then I sometimes feel as if I myself want to ignore and avoid HER. It's always fluctuating.

so if you could ask her questions, what would they be? do you want to post them here?

I think my questions are as generic as they come;

Why did you ignore me?
How could you do this?
Did I mean anything to you? etc etc. I think most spurned lovers ask the same,

I am yet to find the magical key of letting go. Wonder where it is.

[clvrnn]

My heart is totally broken as yours... and i struggle every day, just trying to live and not break down in pieces and cry. As you said, you live now, not in the future.. just now. And that i think you have to do. Just be in the moment.. anything else would be too painful to deal with.. Can i ask, how did she break up with you, in what way? What was the accusing about? And how long was it since u heard from her? Please respond.

Hi Yoke,

I'm sorry to hear you're also dealing with some pain, please know you're not alone. Great support network here, and although I may not be able to offer that much great advice, you can PMme anytime.

She broke up with me after a week of closeness - closest we'd ever been. She took me to her sister's house, and she was becoming irritated at my mood on the way there. I was feeling off because the plans had been changed last minute (she did this all the time) and I just wasn't feeling up to sitting around playing the playstation when we were meant to be studying, deadlines were coming closer.

Anyway, I didn't say anything about it because she was already paranoid that I didn't want to see/didn't like her family (I did) so I got on with it. My mood wasn't good enough for her, so she blew up at me in front of her family. she ranted about me to them, while I sat there listening to it as if I wasn't even in the room. All of a sudden she turned to me and told me I had to leave as I was making her angrier, if i didn't leave there and then she would call the police. I asked her why she was humiliating me like this and she said because I had humiliated HER and disrespected her family, and she didn't care that I was being humiliated. I left.

She broke up with me in message about an hour later, told me she couldn't come back from someone doing that to her family... I didn't do a thing. I was always respectful and nice to them. Her mother used to say "love you!" whenever I saw her, so I can't have been that rude. Anyway. That's what happened and she blamed me for it all.

I haven't heard from her since March since she said we could be friends. No word since.