Co-Parenting: Dx The Problem Child

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

That will fix everything!

I've written about how steadfast D7 can be.  We've noticed this done she was 1. Based upon a tantrum at the mall on Friday,  her mom suggested she might be ADHD. This is ridiculous.  I looked up ODD and this isn't close either.

Symptoms generally begin before a child is eight years old. They include irritable mood, argumentative and defiant behavior, aggression, and vindictiveness that last more than six months and cause significant problems at home or school.

I told her mom that D7 has had no issues at school, Sunday school or After-School. She's in student leadership.  Her 1st grade teacher gushes about how much she loves her.  The principal says how great our kids are to us and others. 

I told my ex,  "it must be us."

She even said a while ago that she thought I had an easier time because I didn't put up with her crap.  Even last weekend we had an incident where both kids screamed at each other, told each other they hated the other,  hated me,  S9 said I was a "bad daddy," S7 tried to barricade her door (so out came my screwdriver to pop the hinge bolts). Not too much later,  D7 came out to hug me and tell me how much she loved me.  I had the kids for 6/7 days because mommy went to Mexico after her grandma died. 

I'm not buying into this diagnosing bs, which seems to be a default.  She did it to me, like my mom did to me when was 13 and she was at a loss how to deal with me. 

D7 told her that she felt judged and told what to do,  and that jet friends didn't judge her or tell her what to do.  7 going on 17? Her teacher told us that it was funny, the things D7 would say, like a little adult. 

[Turkish]

That will fix everything!

I've written about how steadfast D7 can be.  We've noticed this done she was 1. Based upon a tantrum at the mall on Friday,  her mom suggested she might be ADHD. This is ridiculous.  I looked up ODD and this isn't close either.

Symptoms generally begin before a child is eight years old. They include irritable mood, argumentative and defiant behavior, aggression, and vindictiveness that last more than six months and cause significant problems at home or school.

I told her mom that D7 has had no issues at school, Sunday school or After-School. She's in student leadership.  Her 1st grade teacher gushes about how much she loves her.  The principal says how great our kids are to us and others. 

I told my ex,  "it must be us."

She even said a while ago that she thought I had an easier time because I didn't put up with her crap.  Even last weekend we had an incident where both kids screamed at each other, told each other they hated the other,  hated me,  S9 said I was a "bad daddy," S7 tried to barricade her door (so out came my screwdriver to pop the hinge bolts). Not too much later,  D7 came out to hug me and tell me how much she loved me.  I had the kids for 6/7 days because mommy went to Mexico after her grandma died. 

I'm not buying into this diagnosing bs, which seems to be a default.  She did it to me, like my mom did to me when was 13 and she was at a loss how to deal with me. 

D7 told her that she felt judged and told what to do,  and that jet friends didn't judge her or tell her what to do.  7 going on 17? Her teacher told us that it was funny, the things D7 would say, like a little adult. 

[GaGrl]

I can relate... I had a three-year-old going on thirty (or ninety...who knows).

Of your children, which is the "old soul" (or both)?

[Turkish]

She just texted me saying D is testing boundaries and asked me to see if D7 would tell me if something was going on.  Like she's being abused? I know my ex's mind goes there. I told her what her teacher said as well as what I heard from the principal last week telling one of the girls who was checking kids into summer robotics camp (which is based out our school this year), "you won't have anything to worry about.  Those are great kids!"

D7 is kind of like that though I wouldn't exactly sat "old soul," but it was validating that her teacher observed something like that.

S9 is a kind soul, and very empathetic. The ASD1 only hobbies him on being too much so.  He's a very advanced reader. I wouldn't deem him an "old soul" but he can pick up on things more than I would judge for his age.

I was a latchkey kid, and bullied and rejected by my peers.  I was definitely an old soul and better related to people much older than me, especially women. 

[worriedStepmom]

Is D7 in therapy right now?

If she is, and her behavior is escalating (more tantrums than before, more withdrawing from the family, more aggression), then you might want to have her see a psychologist and be evaluated for an anxiety disorder.  That is not uncommon when dealing with a parent with a personality disorder.

I hated the idea of diagnosing a kid until I was in a situation where I had no other options. My kid started therapy at 8 when he consistently said the world would be better without him in it.  He'd spend hours hiding in his room if he got upset.  Even with therapy, he slowly got more withdrawn and he was always cranky and always aggressive with his siblings. Almost all of the truly negative behavior was with me (because I was the safe parent). At 9, the tantrums started and turned increasingly violent.  Always with me - although his dad was finally present (with me) once and then agreed S could see a psychiatrist.  With meds, he was able to calm down enough for therapy to make an actual difference, and a year later I have my happy kid from 3 years ago back.

Your daughter might not need that level of intervention - but a therapist telling your ex that "you need to change X or Y so that your daughter stops having tantrums" could also be powerful.

[mart555]

I'd say that it's stress related. She cannot cope with the stress.  That's exactly what happens to my 10yo son.  He's much better when there is no contact with the mom.  But it the thought of mom surfaces, there goes the tantrum and when it's over, he says that he was so stressed that he could not even control himself.

He's behaving just like his mom... 

[Turkish]

We had one session with her old T, who told us she was resigning two weeks later.  Too bad as I liked her.  She talked with D7 about alternatives when she got frustrated.  It might have been hard to implement in the mall with yelling and hitting her mom for not buying a trinket at the shoe store.  

The Kaiser model is to punt you into group classes and group therapy unless in severe crisis.  I made reference to it and the T gave a sly smile "I know, " which is one reason she's joining a smaller private practice. I'm open to going to another parenting class.  The downside to the T leaving is that she was aware of the previous unstable home and the past DV the kids were exposed to.  Though I suppose that's in the case notes.

I have the kids the next two days and then the weekend.  I'll see how it goes and talk to our daughter about how she feels what happened.

My response to my ex was to ask "is there anything going on other than what's going on?" And to reiterate that D doesn't have any issues other than at home.    

[formflier]

It would likely be helpful to "reframe" the discusson away from the child to the concept of diagnosis...outside of professional training.

Perhaps when she says S7 is (insert diagnosis)  "It seems you have given this some thought.  What did the Dr say when you raised this issue?"

blah blah...I haven't raised it.

"Oh..well..that's an important next step for us to think through.  Can we talk more about this next week?"

Couple "points" made there.  You won't have much further discussion outside of of professional examination and you are "kicking the can down the road".  (giving time for the fire to burn out)

Unless you believe there is something there, there is no rush to go to a Dr...it's time to slow things down.  Then..if you actually get to a dr..let them nip it..instead of you.

I can't imagine the "it must be us" conversation to be productive between you two.

Thoughts?

Best,

FF