BPD father in crisis

[coborder2]

Hello,
I need support and advice to face with a tricky situation.
I have been involved in a relationship with a man with BPD for 6 years. Our relation got mad when our baby was born, and I left him 2 years ago, with the help of mediation.
We were not married, and the planning of custody we both agreed on thanks to the mediation was not validated by a judge (I am french, so regarding french law, it has no legal weight).
For 2 years, we managed to keep a balanced relation. I've felt much better, regained my strengths and happiness. Our daughter feels fine and my ex has started a therapy. Little by little, we got closer, even sharing activities or short stays on holidays all together.
My ex was clear about the fact that he hoped we would get back together. And I was clear about the fact that I didn't feel the same way. I care for him, it is important that we keep a good relationship, but not on sentimental basis.

But this was too ambiguous, so I decided to clear things up and reset boundaries some weeks ago. He's been extremely hurt, and his reaction was terrible. I understand the process, I acknowledge my responsibility, but now, he doesn't respect the custody planning anymore and prevents me from seeing our daughter.
He's also started a shameful campaign against my mother, accusing her "incestuous behaviour" in order to prevent our daughter to spend holidays at my parents.

We had a mediation session 5 days ago, but it wasn't helpful and he's kept our daughter since friday. I have the feeling that using the force will only make things worse. He would not answer the phone but eventually respond to my sms yesterday. We started to "communicate" and he agreed that I pick up our daughter this morning. But he instantly changed his mind and told me he would kick me out if I showed up.
Have you ever experienced this situation? Any advice on the best thing to do?
Thanks for your replies.
M

[formflier]

I'm sorry you are in the difficult situation you find yourself in.  Having a child kept away from you is troubling.  Please be kind to yourself as you think through your next steps.

I want to assure you that you have found a place that understands the troubling decision making process you are dealing with.

Was it a choice NOT to have a judge validate the custody?  Can you quickly get it validated?

Did you consult a lawyer?  A proper understanding of your rights is important.

I'll check back later today to ready your reply!

Best,

FF

[GaGrl]

I am not familiar with the French legal system, but it appears clear that, should this persist, you are going to need the assistance of your lawyer, perhaps as soon as Monday.

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. We are here to support and help you. It is a situation that partners and former partners of people with BPD on this site have encountered.

[ForeverDad]

Until now, what has been the parenting schedule's pattern?  Second, what position might a French court take?  If you've had majority time for years, then that status as primary paent ought to have some influence on the court's decision process.

I found that giving my ex choices triggered her.  For example, at one exchange I mentioned an upcoming exchange problem.  I think it was that a holiday and an exchange were almost side-by-side and we'd be at the exchange twice in just a matter of hours.  I had a brainstorm, offer her two favorable options, more favorable to her than what she was rolling around in her head.  Ouch, she replied, "Then I just won't bring him!"  It eventually worked out but I've always remembered that she can trigger/object just because I suggested something logical.  My common sense logic usually doesn't win over her emotional perceptions and triggers.

For that reason I like LnL's approach (state your position simply without inviting a meltdown or things devolving into fruitless back and forth).  Do your research and tell ex which one you picked.  Yes, you have your list of reasons but if you make it clear This Is The One then it might very well work, um, even if not at first.

BPD is an "either - or" disorder.  Either you're my friend and on my side and please me - or - you're a horrible person and I will make you pay until you give in to my expectations.

Most here have found that life after a BPD relationship is a delicate balance between communication and relationship.  (1) Relationship?  It's over.  And best that way.  (2) But communication regarding the child is necessary.

[PeteWitsend]

coborder2 - get a calendar and start documenting all this.  

You need to accurately know the dates and times he's prevented you from having custody in violation of your agreement.  

While I'm not familiar with French law, I assume you'd have the same situation if you went before a judge there, and didn't have any details in place; remember persons-with BPD have no problem lying, and so you have to have all your information in order when you go up against them.  Make sure you have a good attorney as well.  

EDIT: I just saw your parenting plan was not signed by a judge and has no legal weight in France.  You need to get something that you can enforce in court.  If this means you have to sue him to get an enforceable decree, so be it.  You cannot expect a BPD person to work cordially with you on parenting; they need to know there will be legal consequences if they fail to comply.  If not, they won't comply; remember, they like fighting and conflict.  They have no concern using their kids as bargaining chips. 

so get a lawyer, and get a legally enforceable child custody arrangement in place, as soon as possible!