Breakup-makeup

[Yoke]

I have been thinking a lot of this "out of sight , out of mind" when a BPD devaluate you. I understand that you got to close to them and they also felt engulfed, but is it also that if they do this out of sight-thing , is it also a way for them to protect themselves from not thinking of you because it hurts  and makes it harder for them to move foward and not make the "misstake" going back to you?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Harri]

The thing is, it is all done subconsciously and is fear driven.

It might be fear of abandonment where if they feel too close, the panic, get afraid they will lose you and then pull away.  Fear of abandonment is a bit more complicated than that as it is a fear that pervades all aspects of their life though. 

[Yoke]

I understand @Harri and i feel in one way so sorry for their pain, fear of being abandonded , engulfment and so. The most sad is that they hurt you so much with their actions. The push-pull, rage, trustissues..all that they throw in your face, and they leave YOU. You are the one being abandonded and left with all those things they said and done to you.. and they dont care a thing about it or regret or miss you.. right?

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Sadly, yes. They often move quickly to a new passions or new person, as this is the nature of the disorder.

How are you today?

[Yoke]

Sadly, yes. They often move quickly to a new passions or new person, as this is the nature of the disorder.

How are you today?

@scarlet phoenix. Yeah i understand how they are in some ways... it gets more clear to me now, when i have been thinking a lot of how my relationship was with her. Everything falls into place. I see the pattern with her breakups, the rage and accusing me for doing something wrong- but there was never something i did wrong. Just in her mind... and i start to think that she had just ended a sexrelationship when she started to hit on me.. and now, three weeks after she broke up with me she said she was dating someone new... i belive that now. First i thought she would maybe just test me? And see what the response was.. but now i think she really meant it. How i am today @scarlet phoenix? Thanx for asking.. Everyday i wake up and think its all a bad dream and everything is fine.. but its not. Then i cry before work or when i get home.. or i get panic disorder or just feel numb. Am so fxxx angry that i still feel love towards her! How is that?. And i want to write " i miss u" on a rock and throw it in her face so she feels how much it hurts when i miss her.. but whats the point giving her that? When she has already moved on. Somedays i feel like i dont want to live anymore.. it all hurts too much. This pain. So thats my bitter truth i have to live with. I am glad i go up every morning and manage work... thanx for asking @scarlet phoenix. How are you? Do u have any good advice to make me hate her instead of loving her?.. please.

[Yoke]

Anyone who can help me with these feelings?..

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Yoke, thank you for asking. I'm doing okay. I was struggling a bit with letting go and moving to a new place, but I'm starting to feel better.

I think in a way you are doing good even though you are feeling really bad. I say that because you are acknowledging
how you're feeling, you're staring to learn how these relationships work and you're takin action to feel better (by reaching out here). Healing begin by acknowledging and working with our feelings, and you're doing that. It will just take time, I'm afraid.

Some people like to go somewhere deserted to just scream and throw things. Some like to have a little ceremony and maybe burn letters or mementos in the fireplace. I don't know if that's your thing, but doing something to mark a transition helps sometimes. Also for a period of time it could help to focus your thoughts on the negative sides of your relationship. If we let the good moments and the love connection play over and over in our head and sort of forget the bad, it's harder to detach.

[Yoke]

Thanx Scarlet Phoenix for reply. I will try your advices!  Can i ask how you struggled letting go? What was the most difficult part of it? And how long took it for you to deal with everything? Just answer if its okay with you! I am feeling better in some way talking here, because i know am not alone.. but it hurts also being reminded and read about all this. The abandonded part. And that some of you manage to have a relationship with them. My hardest part is that she was in my life for almost a year, we shared same bed and having her in my life 24/7.. and now all that is gone. I miss talking to her, see her.. that hurts the most knowing she will never speak to me again.. the time with her is something i cant just take away from my mind just like that?...i want to go out somewhere alone and scream out my pain as loud i can... i keep myself from not text her or drive to her.. every day.. it all hurts so much i hardly can bear it. Have you heard from your ex now? Did it help to move away ?

[once removed]

i want to go out somewhere alone and scream out my pain as loud i can

if it will help, you should. you need to be able to process what youre experiencing.

im wondering Yoke, do you have any outside support, friends or family you can lean on? have you considered seeing a therapist?

[Yoke]

@onceremoved Hi. I have some friends, but almost everyone of them, they  all hate her. Because they have read all my ex breakup-messages,  breakups- makeups and seen how much she has hurt me. So they feel just anger towards her and think its good that she is gone now ..some of them are neutral against all of it. And they know she is "sick" , and understand that but still hate her behaviour. My family does not know its over between us ( sister, brothers, mum)..so no. I dont have much support. I go to therapy already. My friends know who i am, that am a very kind, loving person that would never harm anyone. They know how long i have been searching for true love...and are furious that i was treated like this.. so its hard for me to talk with them because they cant feel how i feel.. any thoughts and so to help me?

[once removed]

your friends mean well. theyre angry on your behalf and want to defend you.

my advice is to tell your friends what you need from them. if its someone to just listen (possibly the best they can offer), tell them that.

how is it going with your therapist? what does your therapist think about your circumstances and whats going on?

[Yoke]

Yes i know they mean well those who hates my ex, but i am in pain and dont need that now.. to hear how awful she is .. i need by myself get to that point to feel that i shall also think about the negative things she did to me. But right now, my mind and heart dont coopreate...i see my therapist once a week. He understands my pain, and he is 99% right that she had bpd or some similar disorder...the main thing in our conversations is to heal ME. Get my confidence back, build me up again. He allows me to mourn, and that i need time also...he asked me why i wanted her back when she has hurt me so much. And i deserve real love. Even if she loved me before in her way.. and how much i ever loved her, it wouldnt be enough..

[Yoke]

Today i have been thinking of the "ugly" sides of my ex and mine relationship. Every hard word she threw in my face.. not litteraly  but through so many textmessages.. "i hate tou, you are disgusting, PLEASE READing idiot, i never want to see u ever again, your liar, you kill me, seek help" and so on. Those words are forever in my heart.. and it hurts that someone you love so damn much, someone u slept with, shared your love and life with.. thought she loved you.. can say such harsh damaged words.. i dont understand how they can love and hate at the same time.. love so intense, hate with such rage..even if i really hate the way she hurted me with the words.. i can't hate her or not love her.. i wish that i could have seen the signs of all this before we got too serious. Why? Because then i wouldn't be here.. i wouldn't have this pain eating me up from inside. I wish in one way that i never met her, but in the same time i wouldn't and can't regret that i met her, because in all this nightmare.. i met someone who touched my heart with such intense that will always be a beautiful memory in my heart and mind.. she touched my soul in a way no one will ever do again.. have anybody of you here felt the same as me? Or is it just me that is crazy think/feel this? Please do share with me..

[once removed]

i am in pain and dont need that now.. to hear how awful she is .. i need by myself get to that point

do you tell your friends this? often times i had to be straight with my friends and family about what i needed, or what wasnt helpful.

in any event, its good to have a therapist who understands, and supports you.

youre right, its very difficult to come to terms with how someone you have loved could say such mean things. people with bpd traits tend to over express themselves in both good and bad ways, and it can be really hurtful and confusing to be on the receiving end of. i think youre right that hating her isnt the answer...coming to terms with all of the complicating aspects of our relationships is, though its so challenging.

sure, i felt similarly to you. my ex left me for someone else, and it did not end amicably. i tried to hate her too. things got a lot easier for me when i allowed myself to feel whatever i felt.

[Yoke]

@once removed. Thanx for the reply.  Yrs i have told them but they dont understand me.. one of them even want me to take a rebound/find a one night stand now. Just to forget my ex. I cant or would not be able to do that now! My therapist is a good support, but he is not available 24/7  but he understands me. I am sorry that u were left for someone else! How long have u been together? And did u know that she/he had bpd when u first met?  It has almost gone 2 months now since the final breakup from my ex. And i remember it like it was yesterday. It hurts like the day, the pain is getting stronger.. i dont know what to do because i miss her so much. I miss talking to her , her presence.. even though i also remember the "bad and evil" things she did too me. Even if she started to date someone new 3 weeks after she broke up with me.. i still miss her...i dont want her to hate me.. i want a closure so i can move on.. but i know that she will never speak to me again..or i will see her again.. if so, just for a second... how can i love her so much still @once removed?

[hardrockcy]

hi yoke,
don't panic, her relationship will fade soon and if u r there strong and communicate from time to time, she will contact u.  then u will have to not appear weak and needy, but happy as though it seems u enjoy ur free life.  tell her about things u do (lies) going out with nice company and she will chase you.  bpd's never let go so easy there exes they always want a back up and u r the most appropriate. i m in a similar situation, she initiated the split, accusing me of the same things, cheating etc and then she was waiting for me to return and apologize.  we are leaving in the same building she one floor below me.  we share a kid 9 together.  i consider myself to blame, cause i should return and hug her telling her that nothing from all these happens, but i didn't. and like this more than a year passed of ungly messages but and good ones as well.  when she started ignoring me, i felt that she might have found someone else.  and this caused me to start lovebombing her for the last month, where she appeals most of the time negative, but when i withdraw for 2-3 days she searches for me.  we even discussed about her new date and she said she is just a partner, using him, cause she was feeling lonely.  she is right.  so i m here, doing my part, being friendly with her, showing that i changed (meaning i won't again react with rage to her false accusations!).  she had zero feelings for me a month ago and now i see that she has some in the back of her head.  she even accepted my invitation to go to the waterpark yesterday with our son.  this is a process.  i consider the break to be my fault therefore i ll give it some more months trying.

[Yoke]

@hardrockcy why do u think she will come back? She havent sent a singel textmessage since 8 th June.  Totally silence from her. And the last message she said "am dating someone new".. i dont think she wants me back... i tried in two weeks , every day to apologuise for whatever i have done to make her devaluate me, ( she never told me why, just accusing me for lies, not being honest, went behind her back ) i texted her, sent letters.. but she was so angry. So i havent tried to reach her/contact her since then...i dont know if she has someone new now? And maybe still are so furious towards me.. what do u think hardrockcy..? How will i know what she really wants...? She has blocked me on facebook also... help me understand.

[Wicker Man]

...How will i know what she really wants...?

Yoke -You should figure out what you really want.  Ask yourself why you want it.  Ask yourself if what you want is good for you.

Believe me, I feel I understand how much you care for your ex -but why would you accept some of the treatment she inflicted upon you?  If the two of you did try again why would things be different?

Beyond all of the pain, devastation and confusion involved in a break up there is also a loss of trust.  Let's say as an example I were to go back to Dream Come True - I expect things would be amazing for a little while.  However, we would both have in the back of our minds 'If she gets stressed she will leave me' and 'If things don't go well* he will abandon me and go back to America.'  If we accept the presumption people with BPD fear abandonment --then I made her worst fear a reality. 

^*  I am presuming she may not completely understand her raging, lying, and cheating was why we failed -so I wrote 'if things don't go well'.  I believe she cannot always understand or remember the causality of our break up relative to her actions.

The break up and make up cycle is dangerous and caustic.  It creates cracks and fissures in the foundation of a relationship.  Believe me when I say it takes years, patience, and therapy for both partners in a relationship to overcome the betrayal of a break up.  Do you think your ex has the insight, sense of self and motivation for this kind of heavy lifting?  I know you would do anything for her -but can you say the same about her?  Maybe even if her heart was willing --can she overcome the obstacles of her BPD traits?

As much as I loved Dream Come True it became apparent to me I could not count on her.  I could not trust her.  No amount of my love, my security, my devotion could make her ready for a healthy relationship.  I thought I felt jealousy for the first time in my life while I was with her -until I realized it wasn't jealousy... I simply didn't trust her.  This realization hit me while we were still together.  I knew I had to talk to her about this and try to rebuild my trust in her -we never got the chance.  Because my trust had already been tattered and torn when she broke up with me we had no foundation to fall back upon.  The dysfunction of the relationship and my blindness to it became painfully clear to me.  I had, through mental gymnastics, made all manner of excuses for her behavior -young, first serious relationship, and the most embarassing excuse of all 'maybe she is telling the truth'.  I knew she was lying to me and yet I still wanted to believe we had 'storybook' love.  The love she always professed in words, even when her actions were to the contrary.

She believed we were destined to be together... Since she believed this how could she treat our relationship in such a shabby fashion?  Sadly, I believe in my heart the answer is she has a serious mental illness which all but precludes a healthy and lasting intimate relationship, unless and until she seeks serious psychological intervention.  In other words years of intense therapy (DBT or otherwise).

Perhaps one day she will have a sense of self, accountability, and a new found honesty.  Perhaps one day she will be ready for a healthy and sustainable relationship --but it was not our time.  It takes two people committed to a relationship to have any chance of success. 

In our case I knew the sort of a relationship I wanted and how to create a safe and loving home for us.  She was not ready, she could not understand and appreciate my commitment --she could not uphold her side of the relationship.

While you think about your relationship ask yourself -If she came back why would this time be better?

[once removed]

we were together for not quite 3 years. we broke up a little over 8 years ago now. i didnt know about BPD at the time, no.

how can i love her so much still @once removed?

people dont just shut love off. youre grieving. its okay to love her. its okay to miss her. it may feel difficult, complicated, even painful, but its easier if you dont tell yourself that your feelings are somehow wrong.

know, and trust that although it can take some time and work, it does get better.

[Yoke]

@Wicker Man. Thanx. I have never cheated or lied to my ex. But somehow she thought i was doing things wrong... and vanished.. you asked me this: "While you think about your relationship ask yourself -If she came back why would this time be better?" Honestly i dont know... my heart and mind tells me that because i would never let her go..  but if she is ready for that? I dont know. If we talked ? One part of me belives it would work because i know she loved me.. And i know now how they are, their behaviour,  and are better "prepaired"
 otherwise why stay so long in our relationship? She could have left me much earlier..? And if i showed her that she really CAN trust me, maybe..But One part of me feels that it may not work - because of her lack of trust. And that she are too afraid to try again, feel aahamed of feeling that i am knowing she is not healthy.. and that i figured out some things she has done by lying too me. Spread faulse accusations about me.. and feels i got her.. i can see through her behaviour..?  I dont know if i am just lost and get her.. but time will tell. One thing i know is that i will never tolerate breakup/makeup from her like it was. We need to communicate then. Not she just disappear...

[Yoke]

@once removed. Thanx. Is that because she would be violate to me if i " disturb her" ? Or is that because she moved on?.. or a way dor me to forget her completely?

[Yoke]

 I have done something that i dont know how to deal with. Was it wrong?
have sent my ex towels by the postoffice to her to pick up there.. two days ago. a gift from me because she has moved to a new apartement. She always talked about how much she love these expensive towels, but would never buy them self, and they would fit in her apartement and just hang there. She love furnishing so much.  And yesterday i  got a notice that she picked it out from the postoffice ,a day  after i sent it. I never wrote the the senders name- me. She may have understood it was me because of the handwriting and from my town the package came from... i dont know if she just threw it away when she opend it or took it.. she has neither sent me an angry textmessage.. nothing. But am almost 100% sure she guessed and know now its coming from me.  What do you think of it? Was it a bad idea to send the present?... do u think she would give me an angry textmessage soon because i disturb her and maybe her new relationship?  After she devaluated me, 3 weeks after, i sent her a letter and then she wrote me a textmessage full of rage! So why not now? Please respond..

[once removed]

i dont think it was wrong, but i dont think i would send her any more gifts.

[Yoke]

Thanx for responding @once removed.! No, i will not send more gifts to her now.  I promised and told her, when we were together that she would get them as a moving-in-present when she got her new apartement.. that promise i would keep no matter what. I do always keep my promises. I made her. Even though she might not appreciate it.. i dont just not understand why she hasnt sent me any angry textmessage that i sent the towels? Strange, because she has always been quick to send hateful message before.. do u know or have any idea of why she havent done it this time? How do they think? If she now is in a new relationship or has a rebound/ sexpartner.. then she would be furious of me, disturb her so much..right? Please respond.

[once removed]

she probably on some level appreciated the gifts and didnt think a hateful message would be a proportionate response.