Where do I start?

[Ipsedixit]

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Support, advice, similar stories and the outcomes. Maybe I just want an outlet with people that won't affect my significant other.

My moon and I started seeing each other at the end of 2013. She was in a failing relationship and I was in the midst of divorce. Her relationship was an open one, forced on her ex (she admitted), but had told me he barely gave her any physical attention. We entered the relationship knowing I wouldn't have an open relationship. Things were great for a couple of years and good for longer.

We decided to have a child (she already had one from her precious relationship and both of my daughters live with us.) Well, our little arrived with some complications and my Moon was struck with postpartum depression. She went on medication and things improved.

Shortly after, her mother was killed in a motorcycle accident. Three years later, she still carries the blame. We bought her the new motorcycle. It was bigger and she was getting used to it. We should have invited her to the museum with us. She should have been with her. We should have been home (she stopped there.)

When her mother died, she started talk to a close coworker of her mother's. A year ago, two years after mom, she began fostering an affair with him and cheated twice. She attempted suicide because she knew it was crush me. I knew it was happening, but she tried to reassure me they were just friends. I found out for sure when she was admitted to MHU for a week. I told her in MHU that I knew she cheated. I told her she had to cut out contact with him, seek therapy, and medication.

She was dx with bipolar II (which we knew) and BPD. She started taking lithium and working on DBT on her own. The day after leaving the hospital, she was going to cheat again until she realized I could see their messages.

They continued having sexual conversations for about four months, when she realized I was going to leave. She cut off contact for months, until he called her at work this past May. She says she hasn't heard from him since then, but told me she probably wouldn't tell me either.

She likes being manic, promiscuous, and sometimes doesn't believe she has bpd. Instead, affirming that she just wants to be polyamorous and saying she doesn't want to change. For father's day, she drove out past his home, 30 minutes away. When confronted, she said she wanted to see if he still lived there. Now she claims, she did it because she knew I could see where she's going.

She acknowledges she's created the distrust and issues we have, and that I wouldn't have to keep an eye on her if it wasn't for her actions. It's creating a paranoia now though, for her. She even thought I may have planted a bug on her.

Well. That's enough for now I suppose. Thank you for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[GaGrl]

Welcome! We are glad you found your way to us, although the reason behind it is difficult.

There are many members of this firm who have had similar experiences of are even in a similar situation now. You will find help and support here.

You say you don't know what you need right now. That is OK -- you can explore the site and get a feel for other member's stories and experiences, as well as look at the articles and tools offered.

For right now, what is causing you the most stress?

[Ipsedixit]

Probably the uncertainty of my relationship and the stability of my family, currently.

[Ipsedixit]

I suppose I'm afraid she's going to sneak behind my back and cheat again.

[GaGrl]

Has she made a firm, explicit commitment to the marriage?

Also, do you have your own therapist?

[Ipsedixit]

I am uncertain how to anewer that. She's trying to decide if she's willing to work on it or if she likes the way she is. From what I've gathered in our less heated arguments.

I have been seeking help. Those I've reached out to are either full or don't accept my insurance. Even the county mental health organization is full and seeking counselors.

[Ipsedixit]

I think I'm looking for some kind of hope. Moon doesn't really get physical. She does anger quickly and easily, but mostly keeps it in. She's ruined all of her past relationships though. She's admitted in the past, that she feels like she should ruin them to have control. She feels she should ruin them before she's abandoned.

Have other folks had issues with their loved one cheating or this kind of thinking?

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi there and welcome to our community.

This is not an easy thing to say, and probably more difficult to understand, and I don’t know if this applies to your BPDgf.  When a person has suffered from sexual abuse at sometime in their early life, they can tend to be a bit promiscuous; but those promiscuous acts don’t actually mean anything to them or involve any intimacy.  You sort of abandon your “brain” during the encounter.  I know this because I’m a victim, or a survivor, and I used to do this... only I exited relationships before I did this.

Many pwBPD have been victimized during younger years.  You may know her history, you may not.  Presenting an ultimatum to her may or may not help you.  Or her.  She’ll hear that as a threat to “abandon”.  The very thing she expects.  So yes, she’s trying again to control the narrative of her life (her rs with YOU)  because she’s so out of control of her emotions and doesn’t understand her own thinking.  She’ll explain and blame you and tell you that you KNEW she wanted to be polyamorous all along.  Doesn’t matter what you told HER.

And yes, many pwBPD cheat.  True intimacy can be very frightening to them.  But people who do NOT have BPD cheat, too.

Your ultimate decision will be driven by your values, your boundaries (which represent your values).  But before you get to any decision, perhaps take a look at the communication “Tools”; and see if you can open a dialogue with her and truly explore WHY she thinks she wants to spend time with another man.  This guy may simply be a connection to her mom...

If you want this to work, you’re going to need to step back, understand she doesn’t think like a “normal” person, and try to bite your tongue through some tough conversations.

As far as your own therapy, have you tried having your insurance company send you a list of T’s?  I looked and failed for months, and finally called my insurer and had immediate success with their help.

I know this is very painful and confusing.  And very scary considering young children are involved.  How long ago was she diagnosed?  Is she doing any therapy?  Is she compliant with medication?

Please continue posting.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Ipsedixit]

He is. We've already touched on that when she decided to stop contacting him previously.

My insurance lists a few counselors and I will reach out to them. Thank.you.