My Daughter is Coming Home This Evening...

[SkellyII]

My ex is dropping off my DD16 this evening. She's been at her mother's the last 3 weeks. It's been so peaceful and restful here. I've gotten a lot of work done around the house, fixed my truck, and been way more productive at work. They checked my blood pressure the other day, and it's just about back to normal.

Back when she left for her mother's house, she was raging, I got the usual accusations that she was fine, but I had mental health issues and needed to see a doctor. BTW: This was in the car when we were leaving her therapists office. We both spent time with the therapist that session.

Fortunately, I was able to have my son take her to her udBPD mother's house, it's an hours drive, and I just wasn't up to it.

Her mother said that she's been taking her meds. I know how much I sent with her, she should have run out a week ago. Lately, she's been difficult to be around, she's absolutely horrible to be around if she misses her meds for a few days.

She's only going to be here for a couple of days. She has a Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow for a med check, and she's leaving on a week long school trip early Saturday morning.

I really don't know what to expect.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Only Human]

I've gotten a lot of work done around the house, fixed my truck, and been way more productive at work. They checked my blood pressure the other day, and it's just about back to normal.

Wow, Skelly, that's great! It sounds like the respite was very good for you - we all need time away.

She's only going to be here for a couple of days. She has a Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow for a med check, and she's leaving on a week long school trip early Saturday morning.

I really don't know what to expect.

I think you'd be wise to expect the unexpected. How's that for unhelpful advise?   My DD was only gone from my home for longer than an overnight visit three times as an adolescent. Once when she insisted on living with her dad (that lasted less than two months), once when I "shipped her off" to stay with my sister out of state after my dad died, and once following a hospitalization where she told the social worker that she just couldn't live with me anymore, that I was a horrible mother. She spent a couple of months in short-term/voluntary foster care.

When she came back from her dad's, and when she came back from foster care, she was on her best behavior for a short time. She had learned that the grass wasn't greener, and was happy to be home.

When she came back from my sister's she was full of *iss and vinegar. I thought I was punishing her by sending her away, she thought it was a great adventure and wanted to live with my sister full-time.

In any case, it's probably best that you take a page from Lollypop's book and keep it light and breezy - she'll only be with you a couple of days, then off to a school trip.  When she returns from the trip, will she be back at your house?

Has she come home yet? How's it going so far?

~ OH

[Only Human]

I meant to add, I also got a lot accomplished and felt more at peace when DD was away. The foster care time was the last time she was away and I worked hard on getting a backbone. The greatest compliment my DD gave me at the time was, "You were much easier to manipulate before you got a backbone." 

Stay strong, Skelly. Take it easy on yourself and your DD, try for a pleasant time and lick your wounds with us here if things go south

~ OH

[Lollypop]

Hi Skelly

The house beats to a new rhythm and it is wonderful. I’m so glad you got some respite and this is part of self care. It sounds like you needed it and enjoyed being productive.

That feeling I get when I anticipate trouble ahead is an odd one. I’d wrap myself up around it and try to get some of that backbone OH talks about. All of my attention was on my son, how was he, how was he going to be. I think the attention should be less of them and more of me but it's got to be subtle.

A mixture of:

It’s so lovely to see you.
I’ve missed you.
I’ve really enjoyed myself.
Look, I’ve been fixing things.
Let’s go to the kitchen and have some cake.

It’s about creating a new rhythm.

When they attempt to break that rhythm with their behaviour use SET. Accept them and “what is” by not dwelling. Move away from their beat - and go back to your own rhythm (this is where I needed my backbone!)

Honestly, it worked for me. I was happier. Regardless of how he behaved, I was happier.

Take good care of yourself.  My mental health is better, I now need to take care of my physical body. That’s just the order I did things - others do it the other way round. It doesn’t really matter. What does matter is your blood pressure!

How’s it gone? Yikes!

Hugs

LP

[JustYouWait]

 "You were much easier to manipulate before you got a backbone." 

This is the most BPD thing I've ever heard, and it makes me so proud for you!

[SkellyII]

I think you'd be wise to expect the unexpected. How's that for unhelpful advise?   home.

When she returns from the trip, will she be back at your house?

Has she come home yet? How's it going so far?

~ OH

Expect the unexpected..was right on. She was nice and cheerful, a side of her I hadn't seen in a while. My son 22 was here, so she usually doesn't go ballistic in front of him which was a plus. She brought her med containers with her, it looks like out of 21 days, she only took 14 days of meds, so we'll see how it goes.

At the moment, she'll come back here after the school trip. I have been seriously thinking about sending her back to her mom's until school starts. She was supposed to get a summer job, but never made the effort to apply anywhere, and she's not enrolled in summer school. At least if she's at her mom's she'll get tasked with watching her 1 year-old niece and nephew.

Her therapist has been suggesting that she spend less time with her mom, but frankly, the last few months with this child has literally sucked the life out of me. Her case manger is working with the school to get the 504 implemented, which I know is really going to piss her off.

I FINALLY found a therapist who has openings for a parent of a BPD child, hopefully I can see her in the next week or so.

I'm thinking that I need the extra time to mentally prepare for the school year, and will deal with the ramifications of her living with limited or no boundaries for another month or so.

[Only Human]

When they attempt to break that rhythm with their behaviour use SET. Accept them and “what is” by not dwelling. Move away from their beat - and go back to your own rhythm

This is awesome advice! Thanks, LP - I'm doing just that at this moment 

I FINALLY found a therapist who has openings for a parent of a BPD child, hopefully I can see her in the next week or so.

Wonderful news, Skelly!  Many of us find it helpful to see a T who understands these emotionally intense relationships. I hope it's a good fit for you - let us know how it goes!

I'm thinking that I need the extra time to mentally prepare for the school year, and will deal with the ramifications of her living with limited or no boundaries for another month or so.

I understand the "cost/benefit analysis" of making a choice like that, Skelly. You've stated the benefit (extra time to mentally prepare for the school year and, certainly, peace in your home) and you're aware there's a cost. I do wonder, though, whether a month or more living with limited or no boundaries would make going back to school, with well-defined limits and boundaries, that much more difficult. As we say here often, we're playing the long-game (though I'm not fond of the term "playing," as it seems contrived and manipulative to me).

the last few months with this child has literally sucked the life out of me.

I can relate to this for sure. It's very challenging to have a child with BPD and our own lives can surely begin to suffer if we are not taking very very good care of ourselves. The double "very" was intentional - we need to double up on self-care. I started referring to myself as bullet-proof. I stopped taking my DD's behavior and insults personally which was very difficult. How does one not take, "I hate you! You ruined my life!" personally? Once I learned about projection, it made it a little easier. I could listen to the words thrown at me with a new perspective, trying to find the feelings behind the words. When she screamed, "I hate you! You ruined my life!" I tried to hear, "I hate my life and I'm incapable of seeing how my own actions/choices got me here. Therefore, you must be the cause of my pain so I'm lashing out at you so I can feel better."

Keep talking, Skelly - we've got you!

~ OH

[SkellyII]

Well, she made it back from her school trip OK. it looks like she was able to take her meds every day, which is a big plus. She did have an episode with one of the other girls, but I think it was just teenage girl drama.

I gave her back her phone, so she could use it for the trip. It was clearly explained that she was getting it back ONLY for the trip. So of course she went ballistic when i requested it back.

Oh well.

While she was gone, my doctor recommended that I have some minor surgery. So I made the decision to send her back to her mother's house for the rest of the summer while I'm recovering.

Not ideal, but as my adult son told me the other day, it is what it is.

[SkellyII]

Wonderful news, Skelly!  Many of us find it helpful to see a T who understands these emotionally intense relationships. I hope it's a good fit for you - let us know how it goes!

Forgot to mention that I met with the therapist for the first time this past Wednesday. I found an older gentleman with a private practice who's been in the business for a long time, and is trained/experienced in working with BPD patients and their families.

It went well, he seemed to ask the right questions and had some good insights. We decided to meet every couple of weeks.

[FaithHopeLove]

I am so happy for you Skelly

[wendydarling]

Good for you Skellyll, putting yourself first, self care.

Peace 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders