He has never been the same.

[Longterm]

I have been reading the threads here over the past few days and my god you guys are going through it right now. I can relate to it all because of my daughter's behaviour but I have decided to share with you all the 4 years I experienced with my son, it was easily the worst 4 years of my life and I can tell you the past 2 years have been horrific but they still do not compare to those 4.

Let's call him Paul (not real name).

Paul was the nicest boy you could ever meet. He was the proverbial golden child. Up until the age of 11 he was angelic, we had a great relationship, I taught him how to ride his bike, how to play Xbox, how to tie his shoelaces, lots of stuff. Between 11-12 his sister's behaviour became very acting out and there was an incident. Something happened within him on this day. No abuse or anything like that. I believe it was that he was told during this incident that his mom had planned to have an abortion. His nan backed this up when he asked her and said something along the lines of "I was going to look after you". He has never been the same.

The behaviour started with mouthing off at His mom and accusing her of hitting him. To my knowledge she never hit him but he stated this that very day. He accused her of not wanting him etc. He began throwing things and becoming very erratic over time. He was skipping school or refusing to go. I worked so it was up to my ex to get him off to school and she found it increasingly difficult to deal with him. His behaviour at school became poor too and there was many appointments I attended. Obviously SS became involved and so began 4yrs of hell.

All the anger was directed towards his mom, not me but his anger did turn to me eventually and it lead to us having a physical fight, I'll get to that. He became very lazy and disrespectful, he began eating a huge amount of crap and would refuse to eat a normal healthy meal. He would constantly want takeout and would kick off if he didn't get it. He would go to his nan's and she would give him money for crap even when I asked her several times for support on this matter. This happened with many things. I believe (maybe wrongly) that if a child has an "out" rather than conform, he will take that option every time, whereas if there's no "out" the child is forced to tow the line. He would I feel cause disruption to be able to stop over at her house. I asked many times for her to support us on this matter and simply tell him to go home and correct his behaviour but she would not. He would tell her many times about things that had not actually happened in order to gain support and manipulate her into believing he was a saint when in actuality he was being very abusive. He eventually did become violent and it was horrendous. 1 time he had his hand on his mom's throat punching her in the face, another time he had her pinned down with his knee on her neck punching her. He was constantly picking on his younger brother it was horrible for him, I felt like I was constantly checking he wasn't being bullied. His sister was strangled and hit many times and even the youngest had a hospital visit because of him.

I feel like I did a huge amount to help my son. I literally did everything I felt I could. I'm talking probably over 100 school meetings, CAMHS meetings, SS, anger management, hospital. His mom did not do a lot, it was around this time that she had what I can only describe as a breakdown, a huge depression that imo she never recovered from and it was the catalyst that began the story of where we are today. Yes, she displayed BPD behaviour but nothing like what she is currently. Anyway I digress, Paul never showed any signs of change. I tried many ways to handle his behaviour but no response each time, he got worse and threw a chair at a social worker and would often throw tables and kick doors etc. He was expelled from school I don't know how many times, we tried a reduced hours thing too. I tried spending 1-1 time with him and tried to broaden his hobbies, I got him on the school football team and tried to encourage him but nothing ever worked.

He would kick off over the smallest things and would enter what I now understand as psychosis, he would not remember things he said or did. It's funny I mention that because when I asked his mom what the he'll happened when she did what she did she said she couldn't remember much about it. His many accusations eventually spread to me and so did the violence. He has punched and kicked me many times, he even stamped on a plaster cast I had on. 1 night I had to barricade us in a bedroom because he completely lost it, he smashed his room and bed to bits and I had to call police. Any normal kid would crap themselves right? Not him, he tried to attack them and they had to restrain him. Things changed this day. The police had a go at me and asked me why they have to come and sort MY son out. I asked "What can I do?". They told me next time he's violent get him on the floor, restrain him until he shuts up and the CPS will not prosecute me for defending myself or my family. Imo this led to Avery slippery slope that led me to restrain him several times. He's a very big lad and it got to the point where he could over power me. All the time this behaviour was increasing. I was constantly on edge and would phone my ex from work and could only relax when he was either asleep or out the house, it was horrible. 1 day I snapped after he hit me and I hit him back. He was doing all sorts that day, holes in walls and other property damage, I felt like I reached the end of my coping.

He went to his nan's of course and I had a visit from the police. No charges were bought and they said I had acted in self defence, not to mention past history. I told SS that they were absolutely useless as I felt they had been. I told them he needed specialist help that I could not provide and going to his nan's would not solve his problems as I feel she enables them. They said that if a family member is willing to have him they are fine with that. I could write yet another library on SS.

I'm not going to lie, the relief from not having him around was great. We all suffered those 4yrs and much more happened than I have written.

His mom was doing what she was doing and that led to the split. I had not spoken to my son in nearly 2 yrs. His behaviour is still the same so it's been 6yrs of him being like this. He has no friends, eats takeout everyday and has broken relationships with every family member besides his nan. He is banned from everybody's houses and has not been to school in over 2yrs. I spoke to his nan last year and she told me he's doing "great" and is not angry anymore. A week prior he had thrown a microwave at His sister when she suggested he look at His behaviour. His nan is scared of him, she will never admit it but she Is, it's a very much walking on eggshells house and I'm glad I'm not around him. He is extremely volatile, selfish and self entitled.

When I moved he made contact and we exchanged texts. He said he doesn't want to argue with me anymore (i never argued i just left him and his nan to it as i feel i was pissing in the wind) and I suggested we meet with his nan and talk about what's gone on and we did. I sat with him and I apologised for hitting him back and that I felt like the situation should never have gotten to that point. He lapped it up. I also told him I believed there was many issues with me, his mom and his brother and sister and I wanted us all to work on these issues to improve and fix our family. I told him moving forward that I would not accept any disrespect or violence and I felt that him hitting his mom (He has issues towards any woman apart from his nan) was wrong. He said "I've never hit mom". I knew then he was still in denial. I honestly believe it causes massive shame and I think he finds it very very difficult to talk about the things he has done. Without acceptance I believe there is no growth.

I offered him 1-1 time with me once a week and he initially accepted and we arranged a day. He never turned up and I have since made no arrangements. I feel as though I have set up my stall and given him the option so the ball is in his court.

After his mom's latest "episode" He found it funny and I don't know what to say about that.

I know I waffle on and I do apologise, trust me, I could have written much more. I'm not saying he is bpd but I'm starting to think so because he is a lot like his mom in regards to other people's feelings.

I have concentrated my time on the kids that want support and really have left him be for the most part because I don't see our relationship changing until he does.

Thoughts on how I've handled Things?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Hi Longterm
You do have a lot on your plate. I think you handled it well. There are many reasons why people are violent. BPD is one of them. Any chance he will be evaluated so he can get treatment?
Hugs
Faith

[Longterm]

Hi faith.

You do have a lot on your plate.

Yes, there is a lot going on and I think that there will be for a significant amount of years.

I think you handled it well.

I honestly believe I reached the end of my tether with him. I do have regrets but all I can do is apologise and that's what I did in great detail. I gave him some good advice moving forward to help build his confidence. It was clear to me that he has hit a low and is upset by the fact that nobody is interested in a relationship with him. He self Medicates with food, gaming and isolation. I told him that I am willing to build a relationship with him and I offered him Fridays or Mondays to spend time with me, I said we could do whatever he wanted and I could help talk him through his issues but that's where we hit a bit of a wall. His issues are somebody else's fault, he had no time to talk about his behaviour and he became agitated, even crying at one point and his nan gave me the "change subject" look. I don't believe he can move forward unless he talks about the things that have gone on. We all are scared of him, no point lying, he can literally explode in a second but these issues need confronting and the blame needs to stop. He needs a professional for this.

There are many reasons why people are violent. BPD is one of them

I hear you. I have/had 2 diagnosed paranoid schizophrenics on my side of the family. It's the little things that make me think bpd, some I just listed such as rage and dissociation. There is and continues to be something very wrong though.

Any chance he will be evaluated so he can get treatment? 

He went to CAMHS many times and I was told his issues are behavioural. He was never diagnosed with anything though. When we last met I urged him to go to counselling as I feel he needs to get stuff off his chest. He went to 1 meeting then decided he didn't need it. He's 18 very soon and needs to take responsibility of his life. The next few years will be very tough for him and I worry for him going forward because for the past 2yrs his behaviour has not been challenged and in many ways has become normalized. I never gave into him, not Once and I was made to look like the bad person because of this. I always believed he needed a firm but fair approach. I gave him many incentives to correct his behaviour but he always took the "out". He will not work, I can put my life on it because he rebels against any form of authority and cannot stand the word NO. Many things have happened because of that word. His nan was dropping hints that once he becomes an adult and she gets no money for him he can come live with me? I found this incredibly insulting as I have been scapegoated for many things here and it's unfair to expect me to have him with me when there has been nothing done to improve his behaviour, only enabling. The truth is that I won't have him around the other kids because I don't trust him, and I am not willing to go through all that again. It is up to him to make changes and this babysitting needs to stop.

[FaithHopeLove]

I agree with you. He poses both a physical and an emotional danger to you and your other children. Therefore living with you is not an option. He will need to make other plans. I think it is great that you gave him the message that you want to have a relationship with him. Even if he isn't ready to take you up on the offer yet he knows it is there. Meanwhile you have come to the right place to get clinically responsible information about BPD in case that is what he has and to also work on the communication skills that help people have good relationships with people with BPD. One of my favorite books is 'Loving Someone With BPD" by Shari Manning.
Keep posting. It helps. We get it. This is safe space.
Hugs
Faith

[Longterm]

I think it is great that you gave him the message that you want to have a relationship with him.

He is still my son. My brother committed suicide 3mths ago (schizophrenic) and he was alone. He was extremely difficult to be around and this led to us all cutting him off. A few years ago he reached out and wanted to meet with me and my brothers to try and rebuild relations, we all said no. There was no thinking about it, it was simply no. The damage done over the Years was tremendous and we had no more to give.
This is my biggest fear for my son and this is why I offered him the olive branch, but under the condition of no violence or abuse.
I told him there is a way back but he needs to embrace change and face his issues.

A parent liaison officer at the school told me last year that she had never seen a child receive so much help and be so non receptive, this pretty much sums him up.

I am unsure what the future holds for him but I do know there is something very wrong because he has been like this nearly 7yrs. He does have BPD traits and I would say he is the one most like his mom.

Either way I see very clearly what I did not see for many years. Me and their mother have formed a very unhealthy bond that has in turn affected our children in huge ways. I will do what I can for them moving forward.

[FaithHopeLove]

I am so sorry about your brother. I can see why you would be determined that your son not be similarly isolated and I really commend your efforts. I also totally support your boundaries around violence and abuse. I have boundaries around those things too. Like you, I don't know what the future holds for my son either. All we can do is keep loving them and hoping for the best.
Hugs
Faith

[Longterm]

This is the thing with him. He said he feels isolated and segregated and doesn't seem to understand that he has segregated himself with his behaviour. I mean nobody wants to be around that do they.

Sounds like you have issues with your son too, is he similar to mine?

[FaithHopeLove]

My son is 25. He has been diagnosed with BPD and fits every one of the diagnostic categories. He also has a drug problem plus he sells drugs so he is around some undesirable people. Right now he is in the psych ward of the hospital following a pretty serious suicide attempt. Thankfully he is now willing to accept treatment starting with a 28 day inpatient rehab
 There have been some frustrating insurance and bureaucracy problems but my husband is sorting it out. In some ways he is like your son, explosive, angry, selective memory about past behavior etc
 But there is hope for him and I think there is hope for your son too.

[Swimmy55]

I think you have done all you could and you have reopened the lines of communication with him.  It will most likely get to the point that Nan will have to cut him loose.  I was in a similar situation with my son at that age .  Now at the age of 25 I recently was forced to put a restraining order on him as well as an emergency psych evaluation for the same reasons as you have mentioned- destruction of my house, rage and violence towards me.  In addition to BPD and mood disorder he is heavy into drugs as well.  I am slowly learning being a parent of an adult looks a lot differently.  Now it's the adult child has to have awareness and learn to take responsibility for his own behavior.  Every member of the family is as important as the BPD.  You must do what's best for every family member including you.

[Longterm]

Faith.

Those drugs are not good are they, I see what they do to my ex and my daughter and I am very anti drugs, they ruin lives and I understand how much they can affect a bpd sufferer.

Do you think the suicide attempt has scared him a little into thinking help is needed? They do say change comes from hitting bottom.

Yes, selective memory, that's how I described it years ago. He would be nice as pie (like his mom) when he wanted something and would explode at "NO". I see you can relate to what I'm saying.

It is difficult Isn't it, I hope your son does well in rehab.

Hi Swimmy55.

I think she will do eventually. Her heart is in the right place but her way of doing things is not congruent with mine. Saying that it didn't end well at our house did it? I just feel that tip toeing around him is not helping.

Restraining order against your own son? That must be very upsetting for you but shows where the extreme anger can lead.

Yes I agree, they have to reach their own level of awareness and take responsibility for their actions.

 Every member of the family is as important as the BPD

This really hit home for me. Several times I confronted social workers about the other kids. They would take my son on fun activities but there was never anything for the others. They said the other kids were not in need. I decided to do more stuff with the others and then social workers asked me why I was segregating my son? I told them that the others deal with his crap on a day to day and they needed a break too. I would not budge on this and they accused me of rejecting him and said I should think about his feelings. At this point it was hard just being in the same room as him. They are useless. I'll tell you a little story of something that happened. 1 day I told him that he could not have his Xbox after school because of behaviour around breakfast time. I went to pick the kids up and the SS were there saying there had been an allegation of me assaulting my son. It was bs and it happened many times. They said it would be best if he stopped at nan's. I said he's only saying this so he CAN go to nan's because he doesn't want to go home and face the music. They phoned nan and she said it was ok, I was livid and I said to them "see you tomorrow" and they asked what I meant and I told them "you have just reinforced his behaviour and he will do it again tomorrow". Low and behold, what happened the day after? Exactly the same. I told them to take him to the changing rooms and get him to show you the bruises from yet again, an alleged assault, I even told them to phone the police. They said there's no need for that and they think it would be best if he went to nan's. In my head I'm screaming. I even asked his nan to tell him to go home and correct his behaviour to no avail. Day 3, he does it again. The school phoned this time with the same story but said this time SS said they were not coming out and it was up to parents to parent their child. I mean my god.

I could go on and on and on.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

"...I could go on and on and on."

Me, too.
I read the entire thread and am not responding to all I read, there's so much to unpack, but wanted to mention a few thoughts I had.
1) If nan is worried about her checks stopping, and you want to ensure your son's wellbeing longer than reaching the age of 18, is there any way you could help nan with some cash in exchange for her keeping him, so that your other kids aren't brutalized by his behaviors? This might be an alternative to him returning home, and if you feel like you need to do something...(Note:  That's a BIG IF...you feel like you need to do something.  I completely understand if you can't or feel it's best your son start focusing on how he will take care of himself going forward). 
I never could understand how so many people were homeless before the years of what we've been through, but my entire family feels, at this point, like the next time my DD20 shows up on my doorstep, I need to give her a ride to the homeless shelters in our area.  She refuses to do anything with BPD therapists, things that would help us all do better, and I become her hostage after about 24 hours, which I am not ok with anymore.  My home is a peaceful and harmonious place, and then she shows up and it is a disaster zone.  I am not offering it up to my child anymore until she gets some skin in the game, too. 
2) The things you've described sound like classic BPD to me.  I am not sure I think the first paragraph or two in your OP make sense to me...as in, I don't think the abortion comments led to all of this.  My BPD daughter's bio father also has BPD (and is also a psychopath), so I think the gene pool is strongly related to BPD, and I think psych people who say we abuse or abused our kids is not very accurate.  Raising kids with personality disorders literally presents, on a daily basis, many terrible scenarios and working through them can be EXTREMELY difficult, and since caretakers are human, there may be days where we don't do as well with it all, and say or do things we wouldn't say or do when we are well rested, in a good place, etc...but we are not abusive, and actually are usually more attentive (whether we want to be this all the time or not!) than parents who have kids without personality disorders.
A question that popped into my mind was your description of your son up to the age of hormone changes...my daughter showed severe BPD stuff from the age of literally 1 year old (we had her in every daycare in our area, because as a baby, she literally got kicked out of them all).  SO, I never had this happy go lucky kid you described.  I am wondering if hormonal changes had any affect in your son?  Just my impressions as I read this thread.
3) Social workers and "the state" and the police never did one ounce of good in our situation.  First, they were clueless about everything that goes on here and second, they want to "fix" things and move on to the next call...which in no way is realistic...For my own sanity, I avoided these people like the plague and stopped hoping or believing they would ever help us.  I begged for help for years, looked for help for years in every corner of the USA, but this all really comes down to money.  They will "deal with" your BPD kid if you pay them, simple as that.  As to health insurance, it's designed to do not much at all for those in our society with mental illnesses...bottom line.  They will always throw a teaspoon of water at a burning barn...I'm not jaded, I am an educated realist and these are the facts.
4) I am not surprised that your son takes no responsibility for hitting his mother or causing any of the scenes he's caused over the years.  From literally the age of 1, my child has denied she "hit little johnny" at the daycares...and nothing about this ever changed over the years.  Your posts keep referring to your son needing to go back and "work through" things that have happened.  At the end of the day, this is what YOU can do, but not with him, and in the case of my daughter, she never will.  She lacks the ability to see her actions, take responsibility for them, own them, or most of all, see how they caused equal and opposite reactions from others...in all situations.  This is a part of the BPD brain...I suggest you reconsider, at least for now, wanting to do that.  I would NEVER attempt something like that with my daughter without her first having the skills that can be learned if she has DBT therapy, and second, all of us have lots of therapeutic direction before engaging in something like that. 

For me, understanding my child, as she is, and not as "most others are" or as I would like for her to be is most important for me.  She is who and what she is, and she is not who and what she is not.  Love with her is not the same as it is with others, at least that's our experience with our child.  There is no natural and "normal" love between us in our home.  She loves us when we are showering her with flowery words and more importantly, all the stuff she wants or feels she needs.  All of that goes out the window the second we deviate by not doing or giving what she wants in any moment...and the hatred is palpable.  That's just the way it is.  I have come to understand this is the way it will be.  Our child is not capable of a natural loving relationship...so we have to accept that...dont have to like it.

Im sorry if my post isn't full of hope and promise...but more realism and working with the set of problems and issues posed.  I know many think my current attitude and disposition is not good, because I don't have all this hope...but I feel better, like I have my feet getting on solid ground...and my head wrapped around what I am really dealing with...what I have, what I dont, and what I know will never be...at least not in the sense I want it to be, or expect to experience when I put myself "into" trying. 
I am here because I'd like to come to terms and find a happy place for me to be with all this.  I didn't cause it, I can't fix it, but if I can manage something from it that I can deem as acceptable under the circumstances, I will come here every day and try to learn and do and be better...but better with this personality disorder does not mean I will ever be satisfied...something I am slowly trying to help myself accept and be ok with. All of MY perceptions are mine and not necessarily good or useful to others, but I hope I've written at least something you can use in your situation. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Longterm]

Hi there LOTR.

1) If nan is worried about her checks stopping, and you want to ensure your son's wellbeing longer than reaching the age of 18, is there any way you could help nan with some cash in exchange for her keeping him, so that your other kids aren't brutalized by his behaviors? This might be an alternative to him returning home, and if you feel like you need to do something...(Note:  That's a BIG IF...you feel like you need to do something.  I completely understand if you can't or feel it's best your son start focusing on how he will take care of himself going forward).  

I did offer nan money a good while back when me and his mom split. She said he didn't need any money as he had enough. She did say recently that she may need some help when his money stops. In the UK you only get child support past the age of 16 if you are in fulltime education. I am sure he gets some sort of sick payment due to depression and anxiety but from what she said this is being stopped as he no longer fits the criteria? I really am unsure what to make of it in all honesty but I told her that if he is not in FT education I legally don't have to pay anything. She asked if I could think about it and I said No, I will not pay him to sit on his arse all day playing games and eating pizza. She then went on to say that he can't work or go to college because of anxiety. I told her there is help out there to treat these problems and he needs to get himself together and seek help. We do not agree and he's MY son so I have to help. For nearly 3yrs I have been berated for being the worst dad in the world and now because there's no financial incentive he is my problem, I find it all very insulting if I'm honest.

My home is a peaceful and harmonious place, and then she shows up and it is a disaster zone.  I am not offering it up to my child anymore until she gets some skin in the game, too.  

My ex would shout almost daily and I have mentioned issues with my son. Where I live now is great and me and the kids love it. There is no arguing or shouting, I am not giving that up for anything


2) The things you've described sound like classic BPD to me.  I am not sure I think the first paragraph or two in your OP make sense to me...as in, I don't think the abortion comments led to all of this.  

He did have a couple angry outbursts over the Years but they were very few and far between. I do get the feeling that maybe he was suppressing it like his mom. She told me she had suppressed herself for many years and it got to the point where she could no longer control it. I see "it" being the bpd. This is why I believe she is so out of control right now. I describe it as me sitting on top of Pandoras box and she pushed the lid off and me with it. Does that make sense? I always thought he had this whole other side to him that for the best part was hidden, like 2 egos fighting it out and 1 overtook the other. My daughter too, she has a very logical side to her, a very grown up mature side but she also has this nasty piece of work side that can be horrible, thankfully this side is never aimed at me. She described it as having the best of me and the worst of her mom. So Yes, although he was angelic and a very caring boy, maybe the signs were there? Maybe I ignored it like I did with his mother?

I will reply to the rest later as I'm currently at work.

[Longterm]

I am wondering if hormonal changes had any affect in your son?

I honestly don't know and I have wracked my brain for a long time trying to figure it and many things out. SS would come in and do a bit of this or that then leave and I was always frustrated with them because I knew that whatever "it" was had not been resolved. I would even say things like "see you in a month or so" because I knew it would just kick off again. It did, over and over and over. I mean what happened to this boy to bring on such a dramatic change? I do not know.


4) I am not surprised that your son takes no responsibility for hitting his mother or causing any of the scenes he's caused over the years.  From literally the age of 1, my child has denied she "hit little johnny" at the daycares...and nothing about this ever changed over the years.  Your posts keep referring to your son needing to go back and "work through" things that have happened.  At the end of the day, this is what YOU can do, but not with him, and in the case of my daughter, she never will.  She lacks the ability to see her actions, take responsibility for them, own them, or most of all, see how they caused equal and opposite reactions from others...in all situations.  This is a part of the BPD brain...I suggest you reconsider, at least for now, wanting to do that.  I would NEVER attempt something like that with my daughter without her first having the skills that can be learned if she has DBT therapy, and second, all of us have lots of therapeutic direction before engaging in something like that.

Yes, this. Many chats we had and I asked him what was up? Why is he so angry? What does he want me to do? Is there anything he feels will help him? Many things he has done but denied. On another note, when I did have a sit down chat with him a few months ago I was talking to him about the boy he used to be, the boy I felt had gotten lost. This maybe him maybe more uncomfortable and emotional than talking about the bad behaviour. I think he misses who he used to be and I think he does not know how to regain the "other" boy. A bit deep I know but I'm just saying what I see.
I feel that he needs to go back and work things through because it's like he's stuck in this time period, it's difficult to explain I guess but this period was not just hard for the rest of us but it is very clear that it is very very hard for him to. Something happened I feel that he cannot talk about, something changed within him. Maybe it was waiting to happen and puberty started it? I honestly do not know but he is stuck there and needs help. Like your daughter he cannot see the profound effect on those around him, it is literally all about him, he is so much like his mom at times. I hear you I really do, he will not talk to me about these issues anyway, I feel he is incapable.

  Love with her is not the same as it is with others, at least that's our experience with our child.  There is no natural and "normal" love between us in our home.  She loves us when we are showering her with flowery words and more importantly, all the stuff she wants or feels she needs.  All of that goes out the window the second we deviate by not doing or giving what she wants in any moment...and the hatred is palpable

I could have wrote that. The answer "no" has caused many arguments.


Im sorry if my post isn't full of hope and promise...but more realism and working with the set of problems and issues posed. 

No need to apologise, it is what it is. Reality tells me there is very little I can do whilst he is in denial about his problems.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Im certainly no expert, but when it comes to BPD, I have an ex who was severe on the spectrum and a daughter who is the same, and they both act/acted so much alike without ever knowing each other...it's simply amazing.  I had to get away from the father years back, we actually broke off for good when I got pregnant with my child.  He was a mess, physically abusive to me and a string of women before me, so when a child came into the picture, it was time for legal action, which I took, and which he did nothing about, so his rights were terminated. That said, I look a lot at what was "typical" for him and what is now "typical" for her...this is the personality...the brain that works as it does, and does not work as it doesn't...and will not (this is most important) work as I am accustomed to with most other people, and based on my adult relationship with the ex, I know so many things that I used to ponder and try to work with, and could not...his brain simply did not work that way, and he simply would not be able to "see" or "process" what I felt he should, could...etc...I had to come to terms with that, and accept it...and after years of trying to figure out how to work with him, I showed up pregnant, and acceptance of who he was and what that would mean regarding raising a child got put on the fast track...it was me who had to change the dynamic, because he was who he was and what he was and literally nothing was going to make that any different.
Now, with my child, I am sort of in the same position. 

[Longterm]

I told my ex she and my son are very alike, she did not take well to that at all. She asked "how?" And I just very bluntly spelt it out. It felt like she was looking through me as though I had just inflicted a mortal wound.

It's clear from what you say that you have lived with this huge frustration and in many levels have accepted it for what it is and for that I applaud you. I feel as though I am slowly coming to terms with it, my exes latest episode has convinced me that I cannot fix her. I thought if I could convince her, my son and my daughter to see the error of their ways then we could all come back together as a family.

To many degrees I think I should concentrate on the errors in my own ways in thinking this was possible.