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Author Topic: Should I unblock my uBPD ex?  (Read 589 times)
NorseWoman

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« on: July 03, 2019, 07:43:58 PM »

It's been a week since I blocked the ex, this time.
I intend to never have any future contact.
I have read that blocking is not by itself the cure.
The cure is for me to make changes and grow. I am doing what I need to do to make this come true for me. I want to say that I am doing great, I can't yet as moments as sadness overcome me still.

Would I advance faster if I unblocked the ex and used my inner strength to ignore any attempted contact? The previous NC was 3+ months. I responded to a contact.
Do I need to test my inner strength again? I am afraid to do this soon as I recently failed. I feel inside that I should keep blocking on for at least 3 months again , then unblock.
Any advise on this will be appreciated. What worked for you?
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« Reply #1 on: July 03, 2019, 10:20:36 PM »

Hello NorseWoman I have been a friend to my ex for 12 years and a gf for 2ishyrs and she/we haven't yet been able to go more than 3 months without contact. With my ex it would seem she had a radar knowing not to let me go past that point.

Blocking is in no way easy street in my opinion because they are still there and every day you have to fight the urge not to unblock.
You said your intent was NC in the future but it seems that it is not sitting well with you now and I can relate. I went as far as changing my phone number by urgency of my friends and I regret it so much.

How about blocking your ex long enough that the urges you have won't make up your mind for you. You are still in pain blocking is so you can heal some more I would hate for you to make the same mistake I did.

In my experience I would unknowingly set myself up by using sound information to help me justify my actions, that created a situation that was not good for me but I secretly wanted.
Example after I changed my phone number I regretted it and shortly after I found an email she wrote me before the change offering a face to face, right then the urges kick in so I tried to make contact and found out that she changed her # and email too.

Honestly I changed my # because even though I had told her I was very depressed and it wasnt a good idea to talk she didn't seem to care. It had gotten so bad with what she was saying to me through texting and calls I wanted to harm myself and I felt I wasn't strong enough just to block her that time.

In my reading i ran across information that pwbpd dont do closer and how closer helps. So I read more about closer and justification kicked in to contact her because I needed closer to heal. In reality with my experience with her I knew she had her own agenda and closer wasn't it. I set myself up.

She got what she wanted she knew I was still on the hook when I contacted her. 2 months of me reaching out with letters and her smacking me down. We never had that conversation. We did the push pull thing and when she had enough she put me in a black hole of no return. Now I am in the worst pain I can remember in my life because I didn't fight the urge.
I don't know if this helps. Its been over 2 months ago since Never contact with her and I have no choice but to comply now.


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« Reply #2 on: July 03, 2019, 11:55:33 PM »

This sounds like a pattern of recycle without actually engaging in what we call a recycle (returning to the r/s). What are you getting out of this pattern?

I blocked my ex while she was still living with me because I was sick of the passive aggressive slamming of me on Facebook. This doesn't sound like the case with you.   
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« Reply #3 on: July 04, 2019, 08:08:00 AM »

It's a tough call. I think deep down we want them to contact us and make things better. We long to hear from them. But look at the past. In my experience any time I would try to talk about anything important it would blow up. The past will predict the future.  So I knew it would be pointless to try and talk to her and I'd only end up getting hurt more.

For me it was like just ripping the bandaid off. It hurts but just get it over with.  I knew/know continuing to talk with her will only slow down my healing. I dont have social media so that helps as well.

I have been NC for 5 months now. It is hard. I think if you still miss them and are healing, having contact is not a good idea. That person is not going to help the hurt you feel. Self soothing and looking inward will probably be better in the long run than looking to our ex partners. Good luck
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« Reply #4 on: July 04, 2019, 08:19:51 AM »

It's been a week since I blocked the ex, this time.
I intend to never have any future contact.
I have read that blocking is not by itself the cure.
The cure is for me to make changes and grow. I am doing what I need to do to make this come true for me. I want to say that I am doing great, I can't yet as moments as sadness overcome me still.

Would I advance faster if I unblocked the ex and used my inner strength to ignore any attempted contact? The previous NC was 3+ months. I responded to a contact.
Do I need to test my inner strength again? I am afraid to do this soon as I recently failed. I feel inside that I should keep blocking on for at least 3 months again , then unblock.
Any advise on this will be appreciated. What worked for you?


I always think unless you are 100% resolved or there is a reason why you need to block (DV or the like), blocking does more harm than good.  If you are constantly wondering if they are texting, then why not just unblock, read the texts and decide whether they require a response.  I know that I would block and unblock like a yo-yo.  I'd feel good about blocking then a day would pass and I would get extreme anxiety and then unblock again. 
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« Reply #5 on: July 04, 2019, 09:04:01 AM »

Hi Norsewoman,

I have had my ex blocked since 2012.  I have no intention of ever unblocking her, no matter how much inner strength I have.  I simply have no desire to see the garbage she is into or the toxic things she is spewing.  I have no desire to let that back into my life in any way, shape, or form.  I don't think it's about seeing how much inner strength we have to challenge our addiction.  For me, I don't think the addiction is there at all.  But what is there is in its place is the inner conviction that I don't want them in my life, that they only bring bad things and lots of drama.  I want them out, away as much as possible, for many, many good reasons.  Try not to overthink it too much.  Regardless of where you are at in healing, what good, legitimate reasons are there to ever unblock them?  I tend to think of it from that angle... not "should I unblock them" but "why would I unblock them?" What good reasons could there be?  The world is a big place.  Surely they can find others to love and support them.  They don't need me.
« Last Edit: July 04, 2019, 09:21:02 AM by OutOfEgypt » Logged
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« Reply #6 on: July 04, 2019, 09:37:37 AM »

On a side note... my ex and I share children, so it has been complicated.  In the past number of months, she has painted our children black and accused them of "abusing" her and cut them off (youngest being 12).  But even when I saw my ex more often, I still had her blocked from social media and my phone.  I just don't want to see into her life, and I don't want her to have personal access to me.

Overall, my advice for moving forward is... keep the boundaries firm.  In spite of any fleeting words or actions that say the contrary, they really don't need us.  And we don't need them.  It is perfectly fine to walk away and let them have their own life apart from us.  This is a huge thing to let sink in.

What you're aiming at is not some kind of testing of yourself.  I remember doing things like that.  But what you really want is resolve.  Your goal is find resolve about the situation, about yourself, about who you are, about who they really are, and about what that really means for your future, not theirs.  Our goal is also to have independence.  These relationships are destructively dependent.  Our life becomes so wrapped up in them that everything we do, every decision we make, somehow relates to them... what they will think, what they might say, how they will react.  It is somewhat understandable, but we gotta get away from that .  Our goal is to have our own lives, to stand on our own two feet in the world as a whole person, not as an extension of someone else's life.
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« Reply #7 on: July 04, 2019, 09:43:46 AM »

NorseWoman   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

This sounds like a pattern of recycle without actually engaging in what we call a recycle (returning to the r/s). What are you getting out of this pattern?
I'm also interested in a response to this.


Good questions.

Would I advance faster if I unblocked the ex and used my inner strength to ignore any attempted contact?
Advance to where?

Do I need to test my inner strength again?
Why? Will you think you'll feel 'less than' if you are irritated or vexed into giving a reply? What good is that going to do you? Genuinely curious.


What worked for you?
If I was in your situation, the fear I'd might have is to get into a casual conversation with my ex. I'd probably then read this article. I think it's excellent, balanced, and gives you the key things you should know.

I've routed emails to the trash, I've let texts go without replies for weeks, months, years. It works. The enormous hidden benefit of things like not replying (without the block) is the other person thinks you're receiving them—when nope, you really aren't. This is especially good for Whatsapp and Skype where there are read notifications. In fact, for one person I still have a big blue number on my Whatsapp for all the texts he's sent that I chose not to read. The person you want to avoid gets to feel they've had their say, when you really haven't a clue as to what they've said. Instant and effortless defusing. I think that's consistent with the article's suggestions so I highly recommend it.

Good luck and I hope you're enjoying your peace off the rollercoaster.
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NorseWoman

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« Reply #8 on: July 05, 2019, 09:39:09 AM »

The question posed by Turkish "What am I getting out of the pattern of recycling?" is making me think deeper than I want. So what have I determined so far : I don't want to feel rejected so I hang on. I haven't closed all doors before, now I have. Much pain here  now.

I read the article " No Contact..." linked by GotBushels -  More deep thinking here. Asking myself : Am I wanting to punish the ex by closing all doors and is that ok  if it helps me?
Yet, if I close all doors then I won't feel needed when the ex opens the door again.

Yes, ECAN. It makes sense to block, so that my urges won't influence my decisions.  At this time I am not sure how long I will continue to block and to what extent. I have told her that I will always be here for emergencies yet I know that is not my responsibility. My responsibility is to take care of me.

It's not as easy as I pretend.     Off of one roller coaster (the r/s) and onto another (my healing). 
Today, I will keep my boundaries firm. I will continue the block until the time that I don't need it.

N.W.










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NorseWoman

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« Reply #9 on: July 05, 2019, 09:50:53 AM »

Just read that detaching (via blocking) is Not detaching from the person that we have cared about (the BPD) BUT from the agony of involvement.
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« Reply #10 on: July 05, 2019, 12:43:59 PM »

NorseWoman   Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

I don't want to feel rejected so I hang on.
You're not alone with that. I think it takes courage to confront so well done. Yes, when these relationships end, we don't get the attention we used to get. A lot of us have been there. BP-traited people tend to feel that encompassing need for us (the SO), and I know it can feel like we're not wanted when the partner doesn't seem to want to contact us. That want for us was so deep and strong that it feels we're at a huge loss when that need isn't there anymore.

I think it helps to accept that we're not needed by this person, and it's not really the same as rejection. Just because we're not with someone doesn't mean we're worth less or are definitively 'rejectable'. Life will go on and there will usually be someone else we match up with.

Taken further, Bowen's theory implies we're healthier when we aren't willing to be matched with a BP. Even more, if the BP is sensing they can't get their 'supply' of whatever it is they're subconsciously looking for, they're going to go to someone else. And for us, that's a good thing because this person can be out of our lives easier.   

My responsibility is to take care of me.
A less bleak take on this is that you're not responsible for your ex's decision making. Yes we can influence them to do things and not do things, but at the end—their choices are their own and they have to face the consequences of them. All of us do. Taken further, recalling my own weeks out of a BP relationship—life can be way easier and much more fun. I give you hope to reach that.

Enjoy your weekend.
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« Reply #11 on: July 05, 2019, 12:53:37 PM »

Just chiming in.

I would say keep your ex blocked.

That is one thing I did not do after she broke off the engagement. What followed was another roller coaster of emotions involving pregnancy, etc.

Don't make things worse.
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« Reply #12 on: July 05, 2019, 02:39:10 PM »

Excerpt
Just read that detaching (via blocking) is Not detaching from the person that we have cared about (the BPD) BUT from the agony of involvement.

this is true.

blocking someone, going no contact, resisting the urges, these are crutches, or walls that we erect in the aftermath. just like if we were physically injured, they can serve a purpose.

its important to be very clear on what that purpose is, otherwise theres a higher likelihood of failure, because the intent is dubious.

Excerpt
Do I need to test my inner strength again?

this suggests dubious intent. it doesnt suggest being emotionally done.

if you arent emotionally done, but want to be, erect the necessary walls you need to detach.
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« Reply #13 on: July 09, 2019, 12:13:02 AM »

Hi NorseWoman,
Block it, delete it, forget it, keep walking your own path, please!
Zen606
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« Reply #14 on: July 09, 2019, 10:37:13 AM »

You're experiencing an extinction burst. Blocking is a decisive action that implies a total and final commitment. The trouble is that human behavior, and especially addictive behaviors like those we tend to feel in BPD relationships, is complex and not so easily put to rest. So that total and final commitment becomes not so total or final when you unblock and get a wave of relief. It's probably even more harmful to the person you're blocking/unblocking as it is to you since the pwBPD is already disordered.

If you take a purely psychological approach to this, the "cure" could be conditioning. Rather than attempt to go cold turkey one way or the other, commit to small manageable increments. Depending on what state of mind you're in you might even start with an hourly increment. "I will not contact pwBPD for one hour." At the end of the hour, you celebrate that accomplishment. As hours pass, you may increase to a daily increment, each one celebrated. As days pass, increase to weekly.  And so on until months later, you realize you've changed the behavior.

Anyway, that's what worked for me. The blocking/unblocking was driving me mad, and I had to accept that I really wasn't changing my behavior that way. Plus, my ex tends to show up on my doorstep when he's blocked for extended periods. He doesn't do that if he knows he can text or call me even if I never respond.  

Edited to add:  This works either way - blocked or unblocked.  But you do have to choose one and stick with it.  Either you're conditioning the maintenance of the block or you're conditioning no contact without a block.
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NorseWoman

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« Reply #15 on: July 10, 2019, 01:33:24 PM »

You are right Once Removed, I don't think I am done yet emotionally, I want to be tho. Because of this I need the blocking, it is my crutch which I will use until I am done emotionally. Will I ever be? Is what I am asking myself.
Thanks Starfire, sure is complicated for me. I have been questioning myself lately asking myself Have I clearly seen the r/s from an objective view?, Am I wrong in how I saw it?, Whar did I do wrong?.  Or are these questions part of the extinction burst which you spoke of and being that I am not emotionally done?
So I am on vacation now, hoping to get some clarity.
Meanwhile the block stays on -Zen
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« Reply #16 on: July 10, 2019, 02:01:37 PM »

Q: Should I unblock my uBPD?

EASY ANSWER:  NO.  Not for any reason. 
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« Reply #17 on: July 10, 2019, 02:12:47 PM »

It's your choice. Believe, me this is hard to work through.

I have a friend who chose not to block her ex because she has strong boundaries and has healed sufficiently that she can choose when to interact and when not to interact. Recently he texted her about wanting her to come to his house in order to interact with their adult son who lives there. She does things with the adult son elsewhere and is satisfied with that. She doesn't have to go to the house of the ex. So she told the ex "no thank you" then ignored the stream of texts that followed that were trying to bring her back again. She has a right to set her own terms with an adult son.

I have not blocked mine, but have chosen to have all legal matters sent to my lawyer. That's a boundary I'm setting. There are legal reasons why that is best.

Otherwise I'm open, but I choose the time to respond that is best for me if I feel like a response is needed. It's been awhile though since we separated.
« Last Edit: July 10, 2019, 02:19:47 PM by MeandThee29 » Logged
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« Reply #18 on: July 10, 2019, 03:26:56 PM »

Hey NW, What's the point?  Presumably there is some reason why you are contemplating unblocking.  What is the reason?

It seems like you are interested in finding out what your Ex is saying, or trying to say, to you?  Is that fair to say?  Is it curiosity on your part, or something more?

NC is a tool, not an absolute rule, so I suggest you sit with your feelings to get to the bottom of your motivations.

What is the best path for you?  I suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

LuckyJim

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OutOfEgypt
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« Reply #19 on: July 10, 2019, 04:01:11 PM »

I would add that every situation is different.  Plus, I don't necessarily think we should not come away with the idea that with enough "conditioning" we can always make ourselves "bullet-proof", nor do I think we should define that as what successful healing looks like.  (Do I really think that having zero internal reaction to some of the things my ex-wife does would be considered a good thing?  No, it might just mean I've become a sociopath, too)  That kind of thinking is what kept me stuck in the relationship with her (i.e. if I just worked on myself enough, just fixed myself enough, I would be able to handle all of this emotional hell so much better).  Part of my healing was realizing that I'm perfectly okay with having a horrible reaction to her behavior and not wanting it in my life.

In my situation, there's no good reason to give my ex-wife personal access to me through my phone.  She doesn't even have my phone number.  She has email access, which she chooses to not use, but no phone number.  In your situation, maybe it's not as big a deal.  Only you can answer that for yourself.  I just go back to re-phrasing the question...instead of "should I unblock" I think for most of us the better question is "why would it be a good idea to unblock?"
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« Reply #20 on: July 15, 2019, 09:21:04 AM »

I have been questioning myself lately asking myself Have I clearly seen the r/s from an objective view?, Am I wrong in how I saw it?, Whar did I do wrong?.  Or are these questions part of the extinction burst which you spoke of and being that I am not emotionally done?

I understand.  I was in a similar place.  I finally accepted that I wouldn't get to an objective view unless I changed my behavior such that I put distance (both literal and metaphorical) between myself and the situation.  I couldn't do that until I broke the blocking/unblocking cycle. 

Also, as suggested above I do not in any way endorse the idea that conditioning in this way is a sign of successful healing nor did I come through this simply by turning off emotions and/or reactions to my BPD ex.  Breaking the cycle and implementing no contact was a first step.  Dealing with my reactions to his attempts to make contact gets easier as time goes on because I reflect each and every time.  I am still learning a year and a half later.
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NorseWoman

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« Reply #21 on: July 15, 2019, 10:17:54 AM »

Thank you Starfire. More time will help, I don't need to be impatient.. I have put distance in place for a month now, it's already helping. My blocking is still in place.
I like what you said about "Conditioning" Out of Egypt

Everything I hear here is useful and supportive. I am so glad I found this site.

N.W.
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Xeonrebel

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« Reply #22 on: September 16, 2019, 05:23:28 PM »

it depends of what do you want to see or not to see. Look, im gonna tell you my case, that i wrote in a post recently, i started NC with my exgf, apparently for cheating (i say it like this cause im not really sure, but im sure as hell that i wont confirm it), we were in a long distance RS. Anyway, i blocked her and her family (mom), from almost every social media, and she blocked me on whatsapp. i was until yesterday on my 7 day of no contact. but during those days i peak at her twitter account several times thru a website called twibee and i found that it wasnt restricted. since last time that was her way of tasting the waters, honestly i gave in, since i couldnt do full no contact. i dont know, something inside me was telling me to do it, maybe for her cause i know that she hates abandoning (technically i broke up with her before telling me she dated someone, thats why im not sure if she really is having an affair or said it out of spite, but like i said, im not gonna be the one to confirm or deny this). so, i gave it a shot, i reopened my twitter account, started following her and even tried to set her off by writing some things in a few pictures she has in that account, including a picture of her hand with her ring on. what i have found so far are 3 things that, honestly, cant give any interpretation right now: thing number 1, she didnt blocked me or silenced me, she didnt followed me either, number 2, she hasnt erased those pictures yet (thinking that she was going to be annoyed because of my posts), number 3, and it was kinda expected, silence on her side, not a peep, not a tweet, not even an unrelated tweet of whatever she is seeing right now. like i said, dont know whats going on, i dont know if she wants to know if she has control, if im still there with her even if we are not in a RS or just plain indifference (though we broke almost 2 weeks go). the difference this time on MY side is that im really tired to fight for her, unlike 2 years ago where i beg, and cry, and flew to her state to see her for almost 7-8 months, this time im doing nothing, except the twitter thing and that its even for her, i dont know, i felt kinda guilty for not having the patience 2 weeks ago and called it quits, whatever. so, unless i see some disturbing hermm, thing (i was going to say an insult, hehe) i will follow her for a while, just like for a month, meanwhile im gonna keep going to therapy and im pretty sure that im gonna move on this one faster than before. i hope i helped you with my story
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NorseWoman

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« Reply #23 on: September 18, 2019, 06:18:50 PM »

Well, just about 3 full months of total NC. For me it is working, healing is progressing. I am being patient and taking care of me.
I think the reason I thought about unblocking was so that maybe I would be heard.
That's a joke, I would have never been heard. Hard to let it go, its not fair, I did let go however, had to, no alternative if I want to heal.
Its also helping me by not being on these boards a lot like I was early on, it takes my mind off of the ex. There are days that I don't think of ex at all.

Happy healing to all,  NorseWoman
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« Reply #24 on: September 18, 2019, 06:32:32 PM »

Excerpt
Its also helping me by not being on these boards a lot like I was early on, it takes my mind off of the ex

you can work on you here. my ex is ancient history. i come here to learn more about human nature, dating, my attachment style, and build my skills.

youll see a lot of this stuff again in the dating world.
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« Reply #25 on: September 19, 2019, 08:03:43 AM »

Yes, I understand Once Removed. That's why I am back and also to give an encouraging word to others.
I just needed to take a break and it helped me in my healing. It was my way, not for anyone else, just worked for me.
Now to learn more so as to help me not repeat because I deserve a healthy r/s.
N.W.
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