About a month ago I posted about how his mom has reached out to me about his depression and anxiety etc. Took her over 6 years to bother with me at all. She wants her son to have children like his siblings have done, but neither he nor I want that. He has also told me that his mother has told him in the past that she has nothing against me personally, but he must leave me and find someone to have kids with. She is ultra conservative and narrow minded.
Since reaching out to me I have realized that this woman is toxic to my SO. Oh my word! I have spent a lot more time around the dad and his wife over the years than around this woman. Now that I have gotten to know her a bit better, one on one, it is very clear to me the damage she has inflicted on him over the course of his life.
She initially contacted me to tell me that she wants the name of the GP he was going to see that day because she wanted to call him to tell him to send her son to a psychiatrist. I agreed that he needed to see one, but didn’t give her the GP’s name and told her to rather step back and give the new GP a chance and see what he recommends. He indeed referred him to a psychiatrist and he has seen the guy twice and will be seeing him again in two weeks.
What his mother didn’t know at the time he made the GP appointment is that what tipped him over the edge was a nightmare he had about something she did when he was a young teen. He said the only time during his consultation with the psychiatrist that he became emotional was when he mentioned this incident to the dr. Afterwards he went and talked to his mom about it and received very little acknowledgement of the pain she caused him and, no apology. She then sent me a message about it and said “clearly he has very deeply seated issues”. Basically, blaming him.
Last week she called him one evening. He had been doing well on his new medication (still is), but the following morning he was upset again and anxious. He said he had a nightmare about it again “because my f***ing mom called last night”. He said he has noticed a pattern between his nightmares and his mom calling in the evenings. I recommended he not bottle his feelings up if it’s bothering him so much. He called his mom that day and brought the subject up again and how she showed no concern for what he was feeling the first time he talked about it to her. I saw him afterwards and immediately saw he was anxious again. Then he told me that his mom lost it and told him “why are you talking to me about something that happened 22 years ago? Can’t you talk to Perdita about it instead?” He told her he doesn’t talk to me about it (although he does, of course) and that’s it’s between the two of them. His mom then went on to tell him “stop upsetting me! I have other things on my mind. Go and sh*t your father out about your depression.”
Afterwards she send me a message complaining that he brought up the “old” story again and that it upsets her when he does these things and that he then “tried to make me feel better about it by saying ‘I love you’.” She further told me that she wants him to give his dad hell instead.
I feel she was hoping the psychiatrist would steer him towards hating his dad. She clearly refuses to accept any responsibility for her son’s issues. She also mentioned to me that she was institutionalized years ago (implying, I guess, that her ex-husband was to blame) and then went on later to tell me that her current husband has been in a mental hospital as well (currently he is in frail care and she lives alone). She encouraged me to get her son institutionalized.
I realize that this woman is toxic and trying to triangulate me. She tried to turn me against the dad as well since reaching out to me. They have been divorced 30 years. The dad is thriving. Wonderful wife and marriage for 15 years, financially very well off due to success he achieved 10 years after the divorce. I think it’s killing the mom to see him happy. She’s struggling financially and getting help from one of her kids (yet she goes away on vacation regularly).
She even tried to extort money out of the dad earlier this year by threatening to tell their children that he’s a paedophilia unless he pays up.
He sat my SO down and told him about this threat. Everyone knows he isn’t even someone that likes being around kids and their noise. It’s part of the reason their marriage failed. He never wanted kids and couldn’t deal with being a dad until his kids became adults. If he was indeed a paedophilia, then there is surely no way this woman would shut up all these years and allow him around her little grand-daughters (whom she spends a lot of time with). The fact that nothing came of her threat underlines to me that she was lying.
Don’t get me wrong. The dad did have an affair and had a drinking problem back in the day, but now I am starting to really question how innocent the mom was in the breakdown of their marriage. She was pregnant when they married and I have to wonder if this wasn’t deliberate on her part. He was very handsome and surely had a lot of options whereas she wasn’t a looker. After 30 years she’s as bitter about her ex husband as ever. Actually even more so. My SO told me that every day while he was growing up he had to hear from her what a scumbag his dad is.
What am I dealing with here? How do I deal with this? I know many of you are sitting with bpd partners due in part to bad childhood experiences they had and still you have to deal with toxic in-laws.
He doesn’t know that I have had private contact with the mom. I plan on telling him soon and have just been waiting for him to get his latest business trip over with as that has been a source of stress for him.
He has shown quite a bit of improvement since he started seeing the psychiatrist and changed medication. He is more helpful around the house and more interested in life again in general and been much more attentive and affectionate towards me. I don’t want to ruin that, but I don’t want to keep this from him.
