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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: Part 2: Setting my future in motion  (Read 77 times)
Frankee
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« on: June 27, 2019, 12:59:53 PM »

Part 1 of this thread is here:  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337404.0;all

I met with a really nice man at an outreach program who will help me.  He works with the crisis center I am at and has been in some bad places himself.  He will help me Network to get where I want to be.  Home, job, savings.  It took a lot of effort not to start crying my eyes out in his office.

It is really hard.  The reality of it all.  Almost in my 40s and having to start all over... Again.  From scratch.  I keep telling myself that this is all happening for a reason, that it is making me a stronger, more resilient person for whatever comes my way.  Hard work, dedication, determination, not letting others sway what I know I need to do to take care of my boys and myself.

I cry because of the pain, the relief, meeting people that Sometimes I cry so much that I wish someone was there to hold me and tell me it will all be okay.
« Last Edit: July 04, 2019, 06:08:32 PM by Harri » Logged

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« Reply #1 on: June 27, 2019, 08:29:37 PM »

Don't give up hope, though.

It may not be riches, but you deserve a relatively normal life. Even if it's less than ideal than you have imagined.
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« Reply #2 on: June 27, 2019, 09:21:58 PM »

I met with a really nice man at an outreach program who will help me.  He works with the crisis center I am at and has been in some bad places himself.  He will help me Network to get where I want to be.  Home, job, savings.  It took a lot of effort not to start crying my eyes out in his office.

It is really hard.  The reality of it all.  Almost in my 40s and having to start all over... Again.  From scratch.  I keep telling myself that this is all happening for a reason, that it is making me a stronger, more resilient person for whatever comes my way.  Hard work, dedication, determination, not letting others sway what I know I need to do to take care of my boys and myself.

I cry because of the pain, the relief, meeting people that Sometimes I cry so much that I wish someone was there to hold me and tell me it will all be okay.
Frankie,
You are experiencing normal overflow of emotions that you have kept at bay for a long time. This pain, resentment, anger and disappointment are now finally surfacing after years of suppression. You are hurting and you need validation and reassurance that all will be well and will work out at the end. The good part about hurting- it means you are alive. All of the abuse and neglect did not break you down completely and you are now catching up to your emotions. I want you to think about alternative. Can you imagine being back at the same place where you had to hold your breath underwater just to make it through another day. The same place you weren’t allowed to think what you want, feel, desire without being reprimanded about it? It’s hardly a living, and I saw that because I’m still in the same place. Health and love are two fundamental components of happy life, without them everything else is senseless. Imagine you have all the riches in the world but you are back with your husband walking a tight rope? I can’t hug you or hold you, but with my written words I want to enclose you in a tight emotional embrace and tell you, that I believe in you and your ability to provide yourself and your children with safety, stability and love
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Frankee
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« Reply #3 on: June 28, 2019, 07:21:56 AM »

You are experiencing normal overflow of emotions that you have kept at bay for a long time. This pain, resentment, anger and disappointment are now finally surfacing after years of suppression. You are hurting and you need validation and reassurance that all will be well and will work out at the end.
Having to keep my emotions in check for so long that it feels like a tidal wave some days.  Sometimes when I experience such compassion and genuine help from people around me, it takes so much effort not to start crying right in front of them.  Even now just typing about it is making me cry.  It's almost as if I have been storing all it all this time and it's trying to finally come out all at once.
I can’t hug you or hold you, but with my written words I want to enclose you in a tight emotional embrace and tell you, that I believe in you and your ability to provide yourself and your children with safety, stability and love
Thank you for the kind words.  I am not always sure I am doing the right thing.  He's told me to go back to the boat and he will leave.  I have been tempted to take the offer because it will be easier, but Then I come to my senses and know that is a bad idea.  He will know exactly where I am and be able to access me anytime he wants, even though he says he won't.  He would haunt my life and ruin any chance of moving on. 
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« Reply #4 on: June 28, 2019, 08:12:20 AM »

He wants you back on the boat because it's comfortable for him. It would be one step closer to talking you into letting him back in. It would be a chink in your armor and put you dangerously close to being back under his control.

My ex tried a similar tactic. He wanted me to move in with his mother. It was an attempt to control his anxiety over not having access to me.

I know how hard it is to start over from scratch. I was 40 when I left my h; now 41. It took me months and months, with a few setbacks, to get on my feet, but I did it. I started with nothing but a job- a waitress job, at that. No car, staying with a friend, no money saved, lost a lot of my furniture and household items because my former landlord put my stuff on the street when ubpdh got arrested. Now, I have a vehicle. Used, but paid for. I have a house. It's a 70-year-old rental house in a blue collar section of town, but it's clean, and safe, and I have made it a home for me and s3. I have continued school.

You can do all that, too, one step at a time. And it does come as a surprise when people reach out to help. Being told you are worthless for so long makes it really emotional when you realize that other people don't believe that.
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It seemed the best thing to be up and go.
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The heart of standing is we cannot fly.
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Frankee
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« Reply #5 on: June 28, 2019, 09:16:26 PM »

Thank you Redemmed.  Sometimes I just need a reminder that it is possible and it will be worth putting the hard work into it.

He went on Facebook and posted what he thought was an attempt at humor.  Had no idea because he isn't on my page, but mommy dearest messaged me and told me that he posted something about me leaving.  I wish I hadn't seen it because I lost my $hi+.  He said, best way to get in shape, be an di**, piss off your wife, have her leave you, and workout so much because of the stress.  Than his dumba$$ friends cracking jokes about it.

I messaged him and said his mother told me she saw you post on Facebook about me leaving.  Told him that if he wanted to crack jokes and go around telling people I left because I was "pi$$ed off", then please don't make it public.  I left because I was hurt and there is a huge difference.  He apologized and took it down.  Doesn't change the fact that who knows how many people saw it or screenshoted it. 

I let it get to me something awful.  I cried a lot.  Ended up spilling my guts to his mom only to have her tell me that they all love me and know I am good for my bph.. what about me?  Do they think he is good for me? 

I have such a clear perspective now that I see that some people won't ever understand and will want me to stay with him because I am good for him.
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« Reply #6 on: June 29, 2019, 09:04:14 AM »

You've spent years trying to make life good for him. Now is your opportunity to make life good for you.   
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
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« Reply #7 on: June 29, 2019, 02:22:12 PM »

Thank you Redemmed.  Sometimes I just need a reminder that it is possible and it will be worth putting the hard work into it.

He went on Facebook and posted what he thought was an attempt at humor.  Had no idea because he isn't on my page, but mommy dearest messaged me and told me that he posted something about me leaving.  I wish I hadn't seen it because I lost my $hi+.  He said, best way to get in shape, be an di**, piss off your wife, have her leave you, and workout so much because of the stress.  Than his dumba$$ friends cracking jokes about it.

I messaged him and said his mother told me she saw you post on Facebook about me leaving.  Told him that if he wanted to crack jokes and go around telling people I left because I was "pi$$ed off", then please don't make it public.  I left because I was hurt and there is a huge difference.  He apologized and took it down.  Doesn't change the fact that who knows how many people saw it or screenshoted it. 

I let it get to me something awful.  I cried a lot.  Ended up spilling my guts to his mom only to have her tell me that they all love me and know I am good for my bph.. what about me?  Do they think he is good for me? 

I have such a clear perspective now that I see that some people won't ever understand and will want me to stay with him because I am good for him.
Frankie, he exhibits behaviour of attention seeking written all over it. He succeeded and accomplished his goal of “triggering you” even though you aren’t together. what would happen if you didn’t acknowledge his post. His mother, albeit her feelings or believes regarding your marriage is only protecting his best interests at heart. She may sympathize with you, but he is her son and she will go down thinking of his well being. How did you know that this isn’t her working together on a common goal of hooking and bringing you back? You will have a lot more of these fecal matter thrown your way in the upcoming future. You will have only two choices. First, acknowledge and react to it, thus satisfying his craving for triggering you. Or, ignore and give him the grey rock , I will attach the link to it. If you give no reaction to him or his alliance, at first it will Escalade and then it will die out. He will plug himself to another source.
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Frankee
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« Reply #8 on: July 01, 2019, 05:49:48 AM »

I might get some backlash, but I need to be honest.

I let my bph take S3 for a couple days.  I did a trial run a couple weeks ago and it went fine.  This time, dropping off S3, my bph had a complete breakdown.  Begging me to come back, saying he can't live without me, that he's been talking to his counselor and he's figured out all the reasons why he has been behaving the way he does.  He was trying to get me to hang out for awhile.  Told me to give him another chance. Said if he F**Ed up again that he would give me everything.  Wrote out and email stating such fact.

I wanted to believe him.  I wanted to go home and stop hiding and running.  I wanted to be back on my boat and not stress about where I was going to live.  I wanted to provide a stable roof for the boys...but I couldn't.  I wanted to allow him to hold me and tell me it was going to be okay.  Fix everything and stop being so strong... But I couldn't.  Even after he dropped me off and left with S3 and was texting. 

I just couldn't.  I was swayed back and forth on giving him yet another chance.  But I just couldn't.  Nothing he said was able to completely get through to me.  That is how hurt I have become.  So much that I feel like this time is different and I wanted to believe, but something deep inside me refused to let him in.

I gave him a chance after I tried to kill myself.  I gave him a chance after I fled the state.  I gave him a chance after he strangled me in a parking lot... I think I have been treated so bad by him for so long, that even if there is raw truth and honesty to this time, it is too late.
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« Reply #9 on: July 01, 2019, 09:34:04 AM »

It was a good test to make sure that you are really firm in your convictions. And if he were able to convince you to come back, it's likely that the same patterns would reemerge after a brief honeymoon phase. You know that. And that's why his pretty words weren't enough to make you believe once again.
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“The Four Agreements  1. Be impeccable with your word.  2. Don’t take anything personally.  3. Don’t make assumptions.  4. Always do your best. ”     ― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom
Frankee
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« Reply #10 on: July 01, 2019, 04:20:23 PM »

Well, since Fear didn't work, bph has moved onto OG of FOG.  Obligation and guilt smeared all over the place like his life counts on it.  Using the kids.  He dropped off my keys at work I left in the car.  He said that he brought S3 with him because he wanted me to see him everyday.  That not seeing him is horrible.  That he would want me to know how it feels not to see him everyday. 

I love my boys very much.  But this, isn't swaying me either.  His begging and pleading isn't working so now it is "for the kids".  It's just a way in.  He wants me to give him an inch, but I know better.

I am still working on my paperwork and moving forward with my current plans.  Sometimes I feel like I am not even thinking about how it is affecting me or my state of mind.  I just see a form and be like, hey,I need to fill this out and turn it in.  As if I am taking the steps to move forward, but almost as if I am not putting any thought into it.  I just know I need to do it, so I do it.
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« Reply #11 on: July 01, 2019, 04:38:14 PM »

I might get some backlash, but I need to be honest.

Not sure why... you will need to co-parent and he has parental rights.

Why 3 days?  When does he get the kids next?  What are the people at the shelter advising?
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Frankee
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« Reply #12 on: July 01, 2019, 05:16:09 PM »

They haven't really advised anything to except meeting in a public place and to be careful.  They asked if I thought he needed supervised visits and I said no.  I know he wouldn't hurt the boys.  He hasn't shown any indication that he will keep the boys from me.  He is attempting to win me back and he knows scaring or threatening me in some way will only push me away.

I am going to chat with legal and see what they advise.  It also helps me in a way.  I have been able to sit down and focus on paperwork, setting appointments and job hunt. My job really put me in a financial bind and finding a better job has become top of the list.
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“Nothing in the universe can stop you from letting go and starting over.” — Guy Finley.
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