Moving as a trigger?

[All_Out_of_Sync]

When we moved 5 years ago, I thought we had "run of the mill" type trouble in our marriage but had gotten to a better spot through a few months if MC & improved communication. I had never considered a personality disorder at that point.

I understand that moving is a stressful event for anyone but as I am reading Talking to a Loved One with BPD, a lightbulb clicked.

On page 116, "But the BP, who has experienced less reliability in his existence and whose sense of identity is empty, must almost completely redesign his sense of self FOR A NEW ENVIRONMENT. For the BP, this adjustable identity is determined by what and who is around her and how those external forces make her feel at the moment."

WOW.

When my wife & I moved across the country she stopped working to be a stay at home mom. She left family and friends and literally left her identity back there?

This makes so much sense as to some of how things escalated when we moved and I could not make any progress forward. (In addition to all the JADE'ing I did and the SET-UP'ing I did NOT do.)

Am I reading/applying that correctly? Did we forget to put her identity on the moving truck?

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[itsmeSnap]

Did we forget to put her identity on the moving truck?

Interesting observation, possibly maybe?

We all change when faced with a new environment, its not a superpower that they have. For bpd's everything is a bit extreme, so it makes sense that their changes are "quite a bit more noticeable"

For the BP, this adjustable identity is determined by what and who is around her and how those external forces make her feel at the moment."

So it was her family/community that "made her work", and moving "made her a stay at home mom".

I wonder if that applies to us partners as well. If we "gave" the bpd's in our lives the roles for their adaptable identity to "absorb", however dysfunctional at the time (do we seek dysfunction ourselves?), could we make it a positive role instead?

It's often mentioned that enforcing boundaries is a good way to cope, can this be why? is enforcing boundaries "giving them the positive role we want them to play"?

Why do some "boundaries"/circumstances lead to escalation instead of adaptation? is it easier for them to make US adapt to their changing needs by escalating rather than them adapting to the new circumstance? can we make it easier for them to adapt so they don't "need" to get reactive with us?

Sorry I'm rambling its a very interesting topic. What do you think?