Boundaries Help

[Summer7777]

I have been married for 14 years to my husband with BPD.  I often thought he had narcissistic personality, but now I think it's actually borderline personality or a combination of both.  He has had a few affairs.  We got through that.  In the past 2 years, he started an obsession with cross dressing.  In the past year, he started performing in drag shows.  I was uncomfortable with his obsession with being feminine and I told him it was killing my sexual interest in him.  He told me I need to stop "hating on him" and this is just who he is.  I can't help but feel like it's just another phase.

I have started reading everything I can about BPD.  I have been doing the SWOE workbook and have determined he is the type called "The Queen."  Everything is about him and about his feelings.  Every time I try to explain how I feel, he redirects the conversation onto how he feels.  If I say something he has done is upsetting to me, he will turn it around and talk about what I've done to upset him. 

My husband constantly violates my limits and boundaries.  As of the past few months, I had given up and was ready to divorce him.  All of my friends and my therapist have encouraged me to divorce him.  I even recently met with a lawyer for a consultation.  I'm a student and was trying to figure out if it would be better to do it now or wait until I have my career going, making more money.  The lawyer told me to do it now and that's what I was preparing to do.

The reason I have now changed my mind is that I realize I have been making so many mistakes in handling my BP husband's behaviors.  My father has Antisocial Personality Disorder and I learned early on that having boundaries only leads to disappointment.  Therefore, whenever my husband has violated my boundaries, I moved them out.  For example, he cheated on me, so I decided we could have an open relationship.  He began seeing someone with my permission, but after a few months, he left me for her.  A few weeks after he signed a lease on a new apartment, he wanted to come back.  Since he gets very upset and verbally abusive when I won't have sex with him, I took that limit away too.  I told him if he would come back, I would never turn him down for sex again unless I was sick.  However, I insisted on monogamy again.  Then, a few months later, I caught him cheating on me with my friend.  So then I went back to having an open relationship, but said that means I can see other people too.  But I never really took advantage of it because I knew it would cause so much drama if I did anything with another guy.  I could go on for days about how I have allowed him to violate my boundaries.

Another problem I have is that I am overly helpful.  I too often help people without even being asked.  This has resulted in having a husband who puts almost all household responsibilities on me.  He has gotten better lately at doing a chore when I ask him.  However, my problem is that I rarely ask because I'm afraid I'll be disappointed.  Whenever it's something he doesn't want to do, he will only do part of it or do a really bad job (i.e. not washing anything not in the sink or leaving food or grease in the pots or pans).  I do all the household chores or make the kids do them, am responsible for homework help, paying bills, grocery shopping, doing all the orders for our internet business, and discipline of the kids.  In addition, I work 20-25 hours per week and am a psychiatric nurse-practitioner student.  I take on way too much without asking for help from him.  I find myself so often exhausted and overwhelmed.  Sometimes that results in me yelling at him or the kids.

I had a thought today while doing my SWOE workbook chapter on boundaries.  Would it be helpful to write out a list of my limits with the consequence of the behavior for him?  For example, "If you wake me up in the middle of the night unnecessarily, I will go sleep in a different bed."  I could include ones like, "If you cheat on me, I will divorce you."  I'm just worried he won't believe me because I've threatened before and never did it.

Meanwhile, I'm going to work on boundaries with my therapist.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[LoneRanger307]

I think writing out boundaries sounds like a great idea. My husband and I are working on something like that right now, a list of expectations for when we try to live together again. Having it on paper makes it very concrete and clear to both parties. I expect for someone with a PD, this could help make expectations very clear and could be calmly referenced when there is a disagreement about a boundary.

It is so hard to know how to set healthy boundaries when you come from a family that didn't model them. I've really gotten a lot from Vicki Tidwell Palmer's work on boundary setting. A friend turned me on to her website "Beyond Bitchy" which focuses on skills for setting boundaries. I really like her podcasts and the 5-step boundary clarifier. Her work is based on couples where one person is a sex addict, so I wonder if you might find her stuff helpful, given your situation. I just finished listen to Beyond Betrayal on tape. Though my partner has never cheated, I found this really helpful in terms of understanding how to set and maintain healthy boundaries. So much of it is about what I am willing to do and the limits I am willing to set for myself.