Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 28, 2024, 04:07:56 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: We are on a break and I don't know if i should just quit  (Read 904 times)
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« on: July 08, 2019, 02:24:17 PM »

Hello.

Its long time ago since i have wrote. I started a somehow relationship months ago, the first month everything was exciting and i felt like we connected in so many levels, she remind me when i was younger, when we talked i realized it seems like we have similar backgrounds, and i started notice some depression, and traits similar to what i had when i was diagnosed BPD, and before i went into therapy, i didn't take it as a bad thing, i took it more like someone could relate perfectly to me.

The first month we went too deep too fast, but she started telling me we needed to go slower, and started to close up, telling me we needed boundaries even though she started with the intensiveness, i tried to calmed down, but every time i show some emotion she would get asfixiated, and tell me she wants to have more fun and stop talking about feelings, one day she wrote something in social media, so i comment a joke that she took as jealousy and her best friend comment as well clearly annoyed.

My partner then told me that I was too jealous , that her best friend told her she should break up with me cause i was an angry, jealous, and bad person (even tho she doesnt even knows me) when my partner told me this i got so angry, the conversation scalated into a fight where I told her she should have stood up for me, my partner said she did defend me, and give me my place, and she would not talk about me with her anymore.

From there in so on, fights just came more frequently, every time i wanted to speak about feeling she would close up and tell me she is tired of that, as much as i tried to get closer to her as much as she was putting herself a wall, i stopped being corny and i went colder, then she complained that i was closing up, that i didn't want to have fun, that i wasn't more sexually interested as before, that i didn't comment more in her social media, but if i did something was always taking in the wrong way, every time i needed her, she would be or busy, or too tired.

She generally mention that our problems are based on me not being able to properly tell her that i need help or reassurance, but how can i ask for help if i just see she is trying to go away from me and as she said get "peace". Every time we fight i felt more and more like i needed to break it, but the truth is that in the 5 relationships i had before i never felt so connected or so into someone, so i continue trying, sometimes she would again put her best friend in the conversation and told me how awful is that we will never became friend, then i would tell her that hurts me, the idea that she is still calling someone that spoke bad about me her best friend and trying to mention her in the conversations makes me angry and felt like she decided for her, she told me that wasn't like that cause if she decided for her she wouldn't be with me anymore, and this maybe for her was a good thing, but for me was just her asking me almost to thank her for choosing me.

 After so many fights, and after 2 times being too sick i felt like i was dying, and couldnt rely on her, i finally wrote her a letter, telling her i didn't trust in her, i felt like she didn't care about me, or even love me, that she obviously is just trying to push me away putting a wall and im tired. She replies she was so hurt i didn't believe in her love, that she always choose me even though i never believe her, that she cares about me but she feels like i need her 24/7 and that is not right, that she should be able to answer me whenever she wants and writes whatever she wants in social media without feeling she needs to take care of what she wrote, that i give to her friend's opinion too much weight, that I was constantly wanted to talk about feelings and that overwhelmed her and she just wanted to have peace, and i said that every time she went away from a conversation, or simply put the wall i felt unwanted and an annoyance, that i didn't feel the love she said she has for me, and that as much as she tried to go away from me as much i wanted to bring her back until now that i just gave up.

I dont  know anymore if all this is worthy, if this heartbroken feeling is even worthy, or if i should try again, we decided we needed to have a break for a month, before this time we have tried it already, but she would come to me telling me she missed me before the time was fulfill , would put the things under the rug and pretend to nothing happen, and i wanted to talk to fix it, then she was upset again telling me  for her  winning trust is having a no feeling moment just lying down watching movies. But for me, i need to talk, i need to talk and fix things so i can move on, if i leave it there it just grows later, we decided then to give us the month time, and delete us from all social media so we can have a clean start just like friends now.

But i dont know... i dont know if this is the best thing to do, even tho i know i feel damn a lot for her, and i miss the girl i met at the beginning i dont know if this is a good idea anymore... one part of me wants to try to be her friend with a slight hope of being something else later on, but another part of me just say run. Im so confuse, I dont know if im wrong, i dont know if i just getting too deep, and my past traits of BPD are coming back and im freaking terrified, I know this cause i went into her public profile and i read a conversation with the friend that hates me, and they were planning to see each other, we have been trying to meet ( cause we live far away) for months, but she was always busy, always tired, no money, but seeing she is planning to visit her friend, when that trip would be just as expensive as to visit me, and required the same quantity of time off of her work, it makes me feel like i was right, like she was just busy for me, that she would always prefer to be with that friend that with me, that she lied to me and she didnt truly decide for me, that she never wanted to make an effort for me but is not an issue to try for her.

I know i came back to my insecurities, to my suicidal thoughts, to my feeling of not being  good enough, and now i can add up that i feel frustrated and dissapointed with myself cause after 12 years of therapy is seems like im just in the same PLEASE READty place i was years ago. I dont know if the best is just dont come back after the month period and break all and dissapear, i dont know if break the  month period and let her know how awful i feel, and how insecure this decision she made towards her friend, broke my heart and i just wanna be alone or not even here anymore...
« Last Edit: July 17, 2019, 01:43:01 PM by Harri, Reason: fixed paragraphs. » Logged
RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING
This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #1 on: July 08, 2019, 03:23:06 PM »

I dont know how too make the things that hurt me as her friend's opinion weight less, i dont know how can i build trust with her again, i know i want her back, something inside of me believes she could be that person with whom i would love to share my life, but i dont know now, if im just blind and dont see my  mistakes, or if we can really work out in this friendship. she also told me she would always have the hope to come back together but we need to go slow, we need to really became friends and only then we can think ahead. how can i be friends if i still feel so much? im reading the previous posts of being friends after break up... i hope it helps...
Logged
Harri
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Parent
Posts: 5981



« Reply #2 on: July 17, 2019, 02:01:11 PM »

Hi Headheldhigh and welcome back!   

Excerpt
From there in so on, fights just came more frequently, every time i wanted to speak about feeling she would close up and tell me she is tired of that, as much as i tried to get closer to her as much as she was putting herself a wall, i stopped being corny and i went colder, then she complained that i was closing up, that i didn't want to have fun, that i wasn't more sexually interested as before, that i didn't comment more in her social media, but if i did something was always taking in the wrong way, every time i needed her, she would be or busy, or too tired.
  Do you think there was some validity in what she said about you not being open sexually or interested in her social media?    It is hard to stay open and responsive to someone who closes off and seems to not want to listen or even see we have needs too.  I shut down a lot when my ex would accuse me of similar.  At the time, I did not understand what was happening and I did not have tools to help me communicate in more constructive ways.

Excerpt
She generally mention that our problems are based on me not being able to properly tell her that i need help or reassurance, but how can i ask for help if i just see she is trying to go away from me and as she said get "peace".
What sort of things did you try to say and how did you say them?  If you give us some examples, we might be able to help.

Excerpt
But i dont know... i dont know if this is the best thing to do, even tho i know i feel damn a lot for her, and i miss the girl i met at the beginning i dont know if this is a good idea anymore... one part of me wants to try to be her friend with a slight hope of being something else later on, but another part of me just say run.
It sounds like talking things out is your usual way of handling conflict like this and that is okay.  The thing is, if she is overwhelmed and not receptive, it is only going to make her pull away more.  I think taking a break to really look at your feelings and take time to sort things through is a good idea.  it can be painful and very hard too.  I get wanting to fix things though and I know how hard it is to hold back.
 
Come here and talk with us here.  We can help take the edge off and offer suggestions that can possibly help you process all of this and become stronger so that if you do get back together you are not just doing the same old things together that don't seem to work very well.  Does that make sense?

You mentioned 12 years of therapy and I think that is great.  A lot of us here are in or were in therapy.  Are you still seeing one?  Have you been through DBT?
Logged

  "What is to give light must endure burning." ~Viktor Frankl
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #3 on: July 17, 2019, 02:24:00 PM »

Hi Headheldhigh and welcome back!   
  Do you think there was some validity in what she said about you not being open sexually or interested in her social media? 

I was not feeling sexual desires, not because i wasnt attracted to her anymore, no, was because the constant wall and her avoidance made me feel i was unlovable and undesired, so i felt ashamed to even want to have sex when we have being so angry with each other and having problems, i dont know if that make sense, I was afraid to write something in her social media, i was afraid to overwhelmed her, i was afraid of being misunderstood and produce another fight, i was trying to just not write anymore in her social feed so she would feel like im not asfixiating her. basically walking on eggshells

 
It is hard to stay open and responsive to someone who closes off and seems to not want to listen or even see we have needs too.  I shut down a lot when my ex would accuse me of similar.  At the time, I did not understand what was happening and I did not have tools to help me communicate in more constructive ways.
 What sort of things did you try to say and how did you say them?  If you give us some examples, we might be able to help.
I would let her know that her behaviour was hurting me, i told her what I felt, sometimes i would write and then she would said im busy I would apologize and not write anymore, she would get angry and tell me im taking away my love, that im some how punish her for not having time for me, i would say is not like that, i just want to give you your space, and she would reply you can write me ill write you whenever i have time, but just stop writing me is not the correct way, then if I start writing a lot she would say, im tired please just give me space, so i would never be able to know how much, and if i asked to explain me, to tell me what to do she would told me oh no this again no, i dont wanna fight again, i dont wanna have  this conversations again, is boring, why can you just enjoy and watch something together, but how can I? how can I feel relax if im feeling unloved, boring and annoying to her, then if im having a panic attack or any crisis, and is in the middle of the night or in her bed time and I call her or write she would get so annoying with me and telling me im breaking her boundaries, that if I write her it would not be just a sentence conversation and she needs to sleep, but then i can see she is liking stuffs in IG or Facebook, or answering comments, if I complain she would tell me that would not drain her brain to just like or anything that is just to ease her time while she fall sleeps but talking to me would need energy and effort and she is tired.

It sounds like talking things out is your usual way of handling conflict like this and that is okay.  The thing is, if she is overwhelmed and not receptive, it is only going to make her pull away more.  I think taking a break to really look at your feelings and take time to sort things through is a good idea.  it can be painful and very hard too.  I get wanting to fix things though and I know how hard it is to hold back.
If im honest this past days have just make me believe i cant do this anymore, i love her with all my heart but i cant continue crying every single day, is not fair, is not healthy, and seeing her not even care and planning to spent money, time and effort she didnt spent in me in someone else just make me feel like all this is not even worthy
 
 
Come here and talk with us here.  We can help take the edge off and offer suggestions that can possibly help you process all of this and become stronger so that if you do get back together you are not just doing the same old things together that don't seem to work very well.  Does that make sense?

You mentioned 12 years of therapy and I think that is great.  A lot of us here are in or were in therapy.  Are you still seeing one?  Have you been through DBT?
Thank you so much for answering and the offer. I sadly didnt tried DBT, i have read a lot of books about it but i cant until now master it, I tried first psychoanalysis, because i was in an abussive relationship that even became physically violent, then i move into cognitive therapy or something similar, was giving by my work place, but i have never tried DBT fully, Im not into therapy since one year cause i lost my job and i cant afford it until i get a job back, sadly
Logged
itsmeSnap
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 458


"Tree of the young brave king"


« Reply #4 on: July 18, 2019, 05:56:21 AM »

Hey Headhealdhigh

Excerpt
the first month everything was exciting and i felt like we connected in so many levels, she remind me when i was younger, when we talked i realized it seems like we have similar backgrounds
Excerpt
tell me she wants to have more fun and stop talking about feelings
What did you talk about during that first month? What sort of things/dates did you do while you were together?

I'm curious because in my being here on the boards people usually can tell when the "switch flips", but few people can point the difference in the before and after the breakup/conflict and there's likely a clue there as to why the thing escalated out of control.
Logged

Not all those who wander are lost
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #5 on: July 18, 2019, 05:12:09 PM »

Hey Headhealdhigh
What did you talk about during that first month? What sort of things/dates did you do while you were together?

I'm curious because in my being here on the boards people usually can tell when the "switch flips", but few people can point the difference in the before and after the breakup/conflict and there's likely a clue there as to why the thing escalated out of control.

Thanks for replying to this topic.
We talked about a lot of different things, her insecurities, mine, ex partners, job, career, my unemployment, our common desires like travels, science, comics, music, types of relaxing times, like not going to parties but to stay in home drinking wine, and relax, books, plans on future in her career life, aspirations, fears, sex, sexual fantasies, hobbies, way to handle with depression, traumas from bad family environments, type of therapies to use to handle our inner demons, what has been working during the years to keep us in check, to recover, etc. we watched movies, we talk about the daily responsibilities, about our friends, about our daily life.
Is this answering your question?
Logged
itsmeSnap
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 458


"Tree of the young brave king"


« Reply #6 on: July 19, 2019, 08:32:58 PM »

Excerpt
Is this answering your question?
Yes it is.

Most of what you mention is about self disclosure, basically getting to know each other, how you're feeling, passions, how your minds work basically.

I've been reading about how all that is a major factor in creating feelings of intimacy, feeling close to the other person, and that is apparently very attractive to a partner; likely why that first month was such a rush.

Excerpt
every time i wanted to speak about feeling she would close up and tell me she is tired of that
[...]
i tried to get closer to her as much as she was putting herself a wall
[...]
i went colder, then she complained that i was closing up, that i didn't want to have fun, that i wasn't more sexually interested as before
[...]
She generally mention that our problems are based on me not being able to properly tell her that i need help or reassurance.
Excerpt
It is hard to stay open and responsive to someone who closes off and seems to not want to listen or even see we have needs too
Harri's comment is spot on. I suspect the same, but what caused it?

Excerpt
she would come to me telling me she missed me before the time was fulfill
So it's not lack of love/attraction, again I'm thinking those conversations have a clue as to what changed, as you both seemingly perceive the other as "closing off".

How were those "feelings" conversations like?
Logged

Not all those who wander are lost
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #7 on: July 20, 2019, 12:49:43 AM »


So it's not lack of love/attraction, again I'm thinking those conversations have a clue as to what changed, as you both seemingly perceive the other as "closing off".

How were those "feelings" conversations like?

Where for example me telling her i was feeling she was closing up or avoiding me, and that makes me feel unwanted, or hurt, that if she needed space i could give it to her but not just ghosting me out, that if was something wrong she needed to let me know so i can fix it, later she told me she felt like every time i was telling her this hurt me, she was feeling like she wasnt good enough and that i was doubting of her love, and that makes her go away, that she wanted to me be there with her but at the same time she just wanted peace and not fighting or feeling absolutely everything she does is wrong. so basically if i let her know that one of her behaviors make me feel sad, she would get angry, storm out and avoid me
Logged
itsmeSnap
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 458


"Tree of the young brave king"


« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2019, 11:02:32 PM »

Excerpt
the constant wall and her avoidance made me feel i was unlovable and undesired
[...]
she told me she felt like every time i was telling her this hurt me, she was feeling like she wasnt good enough and that i was doubting of her love
So apparently you both doubt each other (and your own "loveability") and that's pushing you apart.

You're gonna have to trust each other at some point or this will keep happening.
Excerpt
i dont know how can i build trust with her again
Tough one. you have to be consistent, and consistently positive, otherwise its harder to predict what's going to happen or they figure out they "know for sure bad things are coming" when you want to talk. uncertainty creates doubt, which is the opposite of trust (I had/have trust issues as well so I can relate about how hard that can be)

There's a communication of needs already from what you told us, you want her to be open with you, she want's reassurances that "everything is ok". Now, even if "everything is not ok" doesn't mean there has to be a problem: laundry needs to be done and that's not a problem, someone has to take out the garbage (yuck..) and that's not a problem...

Point is, even if some unappealing thing has to be dealt with shouldn't create a barrier between people, though it can happen ("I'm not talking to you until you take out the garbage!", "I don't want you around with those stinky clothes you wore three times already, do the laundry!", "I don't like that you haven't done the dishes and we can't have a proper dinner, tell me how to use the machine or tell me if you want me to buy clean new ones or something! I won't eat with you until we figure out what to do about the dirty dishes piling up...", see what I mean?)

Excerpt
if im having a panic attack or any crisis, and is in the middle of the night or in her bed time and I call her or write she would get so annoying with me and telling me im breaking her boundaries
she's not a profesional, she's not qualified to handle such situations. You can let her know about what happened after the fact, how you're feeling when the episodes arrive (instead of saying her avoidance is what's causing it, can be read as "blaming" even if its "factual truth") which can take you back to those "intimate" conversations about what's going on in your mind so she can empathize and relate instead of her having to "handle/fix it for you", sounds like something you'd consider?

I know you mentioned therapy/therapist is not an option right now, if you're expecting those types of episodes coming maybe consider getting in touch with a more qualified support option (a local support group, a talk line or like these boards! we're not professionals, maybe someone is who knows, but we know what's up  ).

Ok so enough "advice", hope I'm not laying it too thick here. what's on your mind right now?
Logged

Not all those who wander are lost
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #9 on: July 21, 2019, 02:12:05 AM »

So apparently you both doubt each other (and your own "loveability") and that's pushing you apart.

You're gonna have to trust each other at some point or this will keep happening.Tough one. you have to be consistent, and consistently positive, otherwise its harder to predict what's going to happen or they figure out they "know for sure bad things are coming" when you want to talk. uncertainty creates doubt, which is the opposite of trust (I had/have trust issues as well so I can relate about how hard that can be)

I understand that we need to trust more, in both sides, but I think the trust has been broken, and sometimes I ask myself if we ever are gonna have it back, for example this week I have been totally angry and hurt cause I read she is going to visit a friend spending the time and money she said she didn't have for me, I haven't broke my promise and broke the month but is something it has been building up, I understand what you said about even when things are not ok shouldn't be a problem, but for example in this situation how could you trust if your partner told you she is too busy for you, too poor to visit, or even too tired to do that but she is not feeling that when is going to visit someone else?, I'm not trying to belittle your advice, but I genuinely asking you how could I trust she loves me and want to make an effort for this relationship if she does something that proves me different, how can make that not a problem and stay focus and positive? That makes me feel unloved, unimportant and the saddest thing makes me wanna give up making an effort to build something, do you get me ?


she's not a profesional, she's not qualified to handle such situations. You can let her know about what happened after the fact, how you're feeling when the episodes arrive (instead of saying her avoidance is what's causing it, can be read as "blaming" even if its "factual truth") which can take you back to those "intimate" conversations about what's going on in your mind so she can empathize and relate instead of her having to "handle/fix it for you", sounds like something you'd consider?

I agree she is not a professional but it hurt me the unfairness, that when she is in a crisis, when she feels horrible and needs reassurance I'm there, I try to help her to calm down and be present at least for her to feel she is not alone, I'm not asking for her to fix me, I know I need my therapist, but I'm asking just for.her to be present, and she can't do that for me. I have tried telling her after I have an episode and then she said I'm sorry it happen but next time if you need me call me, don't just mention later, give me the opportunity to help you at least to distracted you, but then when I look for her she is for any reason no there...

I know you mentioned therapy/therapist is not an option right now, if you're expecting those types of episodes coming maybe consider getting in touch with a more qualified support option (a local support group, a talk line or like these boards! we're not professionals, maybe someone is who knows, but we know what's up  ).

I do have some private group of people in recovery for bpd, I have my mindulfeness books, I have my security network with friends that have been with me the long run during my untreated time, my treated time and now, I know I'm not alone, I know I can reach them, I know I'm strong that my mental problem and that I can work in myself even when I feel like I have failed lately, I don't wanna be fixed by her, I want to know she could be someone to relay on, cause if I wanna have a relationship with someone I want to be able to have support.

Maybe for you is asking too much, but I just want to have someone that shows me love, support and desire to spent time with me. Not someone I need to beg for giving me basic attentions
Logged
itsmeSnap
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 458


"Tree of the young brave king"


« Reply #10 on: July 21, 2019, 05:15:40 PM »

Excerpt
if she does something that proves me different, how can make that not a problem and stay focus and positive?
You can, or you can decide not to. Maybe that's an issue I have, but I'd rather not dwell on the problem and push for resolution, it's backfired on me a couple of times. What I have done is just state my case and act as if it was resolved. They either get the hint, or they dont, but you act according to your own interests, whatever that means to you.

Now that I'm reading that back it does sound sort of like what she's been doing, maybe that's why it seems my "advice" is not quite hitting the mark?

For me it recently it has been a bit of backing off and a bit of study on why things got to that point. I noticed what had changed and I'm working to get back on track. This is why I was asking you about the before/after, when I did it it helped me identify what was going on so "capital 'I'" could make the changes that I wanted/needed.

Excerpt
when she is in a crisis, when she feels horrible and needs reassurance I'm there
I have tried telling her after I have an episode and then she said I'm sorry it happen but next time if you need me call me [...] but then when I look for her she is for any reason no there...
So there is an empathetic and "bonding" response during the "after" telling of the episode. Maybe its a timing issue like when she said "we need to go slower". Do you think you can/would want to build it up slowly from there?

Again, just recently I got told that "she didn't want to see anyone right now", when I asked to see her but I know pretty much for a fact its a timing issue, she's done that a few times before and it always resolves positively after a few days (like when she couldn't wait the whole month timeout you had setup up maybe?). I know what to expect and I'm working around it. She's not bpd, my ex of two on-off years was, I didn't get to stay with her so its probably best to take my "advice" with a grain of salt.

It sounds a bit like I'm taking her side even after you mention wanting something specific out of the relationship, which isn't what I'm "suggesting". Being steadfast about something can get a reaction and possibly "compliance" from the other, you just have to be ready for them not taking the deal...

I know your situation is different and my "process" may not apply, I can only share from my own experience, hopefully some of it is useful to you.

Also, sorry about the long replies  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)
Logged

Not all those who wander are lost
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #11 on: July 21, 2019, 11:57:58 PM »

You can, or you can decide not to. Maybe that's an issue I have, but I'd rather not dwell on the problem and push for resolution, it's backfired on me a couple of times. What I have done is just state my case and act as if it was resolved. They either get the hint, or they dont, but you act according to your own interests, whatever that means to you.

Now that I'm reading that back it does sound sort of like what she's been doing, maybe that's why it seems my "advice" is not quite hitting the mark?

For me it recently it has been a bit of backing off and a bit of study on why things got to that point. I noticed what had changed and I'm working to get back on track. This is why I was asking you about the before/after, when I did it it helped me identify what was going on so "capital 'I'" could make the changes that I wanted/needed.
Its fine if your way to deal with things is stay positive and try to not even fix the problem just pretend nothing happens, sadly for me that is just putting everything under the rug, and hence the things just build up cause is not resolution just pretending nothing is wrong. I would prefer to fix the problems, express my feelings and make a brainstorm about how could fix the problems with commitment from both sides, not just pretending nothing happens. 

So there is an empathetic and "bonding" response during the "after" telling of the episode. Maybe its a timing issue like when she said "we need to go slower". Do you think you can/would want to build it up slowly from there?

Im sorry but i dont think is too emphatic to say "sorry for that but why you didnt call me?," i guess i would take it as emphathetic if only small reassurance words are there, like im sorry i wasnt there but im here now and you would be ok, people say do what you would love to people do with you right? I do this, it seems to help her, so why can i not have the same back? do you get my point? its not blaming or attacking is, i truly dont get why if helps her she couldnt think would help back. 

Again, just recently I got told that "she didn't want to see anyone right now", when I asked to see her but I know pretty much for a fact its a timing issue, she's done that a few times before and it always resolves positively after a few days (like when she couldn't wait the whole month timeout you had setup up maybe?). I know what to expect and I'm working around it. She's not bpd, my ex of two on-off years was, I didn't get to stay with her so its probably best to take my "advice" with a grain of salt.
Im sorry, i have been reading this paragraph more than 5 times and I still dont get it, who said would not see anyone?, who is not BPD?, how this correlate with the month period? im so so sorry but i truly dont get this, can you explain me ?

It sounds a bit like I'm taking her side even after you mention wanting something specific out of the relationship, which isn't what I'm "suggesting". Being steadfast about something can get a reaction and possibly "compliance" from the other, you just have to be ready for them not taking the deal...

I know your situation is different and my "process" may not apply, I can only share from my own experience, hopefully some of it is useful to you.

Also, sorry about the long replies  Welcome new member (click to insert in post)

Im not thinking you are taking her side, i think you have a different point of view regarding this, and this is actually what i need to have, i need to see not only my point of view i need to understand why my way to behave is not working, and why im not able to make my point clearly, i appreciate your long answers, they have been make me think all this days in how maybe all can be seen in different ways, so thank you for sharing your process with me.
My "partner" ( cause i dont really know what we are anymore) has in my eyes at least 5 of the 9 traits for BPD, she is not diagnosed, but i would love to her try at the same time with me DBT, i have proposed therapy for both, but it seems to fall in deaf ears, so i cant continue insisting, did you partner and you had DBT therapy?

Thanks one more time for your time and your advices
Logged
itsmeSnap
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 458


"Tree of the young brave king"


« Reply #12 on: July 22, 2019, 11:01:43 PM »

Excerpt
im so so sorry but i truly dont get this, can you explain me ?
I missed the context

So I've been dating for a few months after my last breakup with someone I think had bpd traits. The story about being told "she (the person I'm now dating, who is not bpd) didn't want to see me again" was to illustrate that sometimes "needing space, slowing down" has nothing to do with bpd, people just want some alone time sometimes, and then decide they want to be close again after a while (the thing with breaking the no-contact period you had set up), which has happened with us before as well (not as a "breakup" or "no contact", just "we'll see each other later maybe").

Excerpt
I do this, it seems to help her, so why can i not have the same back? do you get my point?
There is indeed something missing here. If you suspect bpd, it can be that she's just too focused on herself and her needs, which I've read is quite common. The only way I can think about it is to "frame it" as it being in her best interest to show you affection.

It did work somewhat with my bpdex, I would be over the top when she was being nice to me. She caught on, her anger went down, which I think was the only way she knew to "get her needs filled" was to get angry when you didn't deliver instead of asking/saying what she needed (once she even told me "I need something from you, I  don't know how to ask"; notice she didn't ever say what exactly she needed, I still "had to know/figure it out").

Unfortunately her insecurity (I think was about me leaving her, can't know for sure though. I did need some space for a few days which she did not take too well) still got the best of her and she ended up breaking up/ghosting me.

Excerpt
if only small reassurance words are there, like im sorry i wasnt there but im here now and you would be ok
I guess this is more about style than substance. You want more than she offered, even when she did offer. It's not wrong, but be aware of that.

Assuming you would want to work on it given the chance, you could validate her for offering such small bits of bonding, will make her feel like it was well received (though she might have missed the mark) and maybe she'll be more willing/likely to do it in the future?

Sorry I'm maybe thinking "skinner box" too much here maybe  google that if you're curious it's an interesting science-y read about how behaviors can be molded given some particular (and sometimes odd) circumstances.

Excerpt
did you partner and you had DBT therapy?
No, I mentioned BPD to her and she seemed to relate to the traits (she even said they were her strengths once!) but she would seemingly forget about it and/or "play dumb" (sorry don't know how else to phrase it, sounds a bit harsh ) and not do anything about it.

Learning about bpd (not dbt, I found about that after the breakup) did help me "defuse" her anger a few times, which was a recurring problem before I knew about it so it does help to study this things.

Speaking of learning about bpd, 12 years is quite a bit of time learning about this stuff, about as long as it took me to finish college

Joking aside, I'm sure you now have some useful tools under your belt: can you think of one that has helped you the most? or maybe a specific one you think she would benefit from the most if she learned it?
Logged

Not all those who wander are lost
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #13 on: July 23, 2019, 12:13:41 AM »

I missed the context

So I've been dating for a few months after my last breakup with someone I think had bpd traits. The story about being told "she (the person I'm now dating, who is not bpd) didn't want to see me again" was to illustrate that sometimes "needing space, slowing down" has nothing to do with bpd, people just want some alone time sometimes, and then decide they want to be close again after a while (the thing with breaking the no-contact period you had set up), which has happened with us before as well (not as a "breakup" or "no contact", just "we'll see each other later maybe").

Thanks so much for the explanation, I get what you are saying, but that is exactly what drives me crazy, im all in favor of everyone take her own personal time, and she can no problem tell me she needs her space and i would respect it, ( took me years to come to this part, but now im proud i can do this), the problem is, that she doesnt take well what for her is breaking "her boundaries", but if a set a time to calm down is for me my healthy boundary and then she think she can just come and break mine, do you get me? I just want fairness, I just want equality, whatever she ask from me that I can also receive the same, my 12 years of therapy was to treat my BPD, and this was essential part of my development, establishing boundaries, respecting this ones, and offering fairness in a relationship, She always use the typical i have not 12 years of therapy that make me act like you want, yeah thats true, but saying that and not looking for professional help is not going to speed up that development. do you get me? 

There is indeed something missing here. If you suspect bpd, it can be that she's just too focused on herself and her needs, which I've read is quite common. The only way I can think about it is to "frame it" as it being in her best interest to show you affection.

It did work somewhat with my bpdex, I would be over the top when she was being nice to me. She caught on, her anger went down, which I think was the only way she knew to "get her needs filled" was to get angry when you didn't deliver instead of asking/saying what she needed (once she even told me "I need something from you, I  don't know how to ask"; notice she didn't ever say what exactly she needed, I still "had to know/figure it out").
 

This sounds exactly like her, indeed I suspect BPD, and I think she is too focus in what is the "best" for her and not what was the best for the relationship, I think she is too focus in her pain and to find peace but everytime i say ok, then i think we should split and then you would find your peace and dont feel overwhelmed anymore, then she cries and say she wants to try again and again until we make it right, last time was the first time i actually read her saying to me we cannot continue doing this to each other, this is not healthy, doesnt matter how much i want this i dont think we should be together, for a second even in my depression i felt that was the right thing to do, but i assure you i dont know how we end up telling to each other to try to build the trust as friends first and give it another try after a break. Now, Im confuse, totally confuse, I dont know if i should continue trying or really just let her have her peace and me try to work again in myself cause if the situation with the friend affected me so much is cause im still not healed... 

Unfortunately her insecurity (I think was about me leaving her, can't know for sure though. I did need some space for a few days which she did not take too well) still got the best of her and she ended up breaking up/ghosting me.
I guess this is more about style than substance. You want more than she offered, even when she did offer. It's not wrong, but be aware of that.

Assuming you would want to work on it given the chance, you could validate her for offering such small bits of bonding, will make her feel like it was well received (though she might have missed the mark) and maybe she'll be more willing/likely to do it in the future?
 
I think this could be a good idea, my only fear would be if im too over the top, that she would take it as if im patronizing her or making fun of her...

Speaking of learning about bpd, 12 years is quite a bit of time learning about this stuff, about as long as it took me to finish college

Joking aside, I'm sure you now have some useful tools under your belt: can you think of one that has helped you the most? or maybe a specific one you think she would benefit from the most if she learned it?

That is exactly the problem i think, i have been trying to work with my tools, me telling her my emotions, expressing them not only getting angry cause the other doesnt read my mind, but truly expressing them, asking for equality, asking for respect my boundaries as I try to respect hers, being there for her in crisis and being reassuring, repeating myself thousand of times about why im with her and why i dont wanna go, trying to speak about our problems and looking for solutions where both can commit, giving her the time, energy and attention, all of that has been thanks to my 12 years of therapy, all of that are the tools I learned and i though would help me to have a successful and healthy relationship but it seems Im still missing the mark...
Logged
itsmeSnap
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 458


"Tree of the young brave king"


« Reply #14 on: July 23, 2019, 08:10:20 PM »

Excerpt
me telling her my emotions, expressing them not only getting angry cause the other doesnt read my mind, but truly expressing them
I've struggled with anxiety so let me give you some perspective from the other side .

Too much sharing, too much asking, too much "making things right"; its "the need for constant reassurance" that is often taken as anxiety, clingyness or whatever you want to call it, and it does push people away for some reason (been there done that).

It seems paradoxical that sharing leads to intimacy and closeness, but overdoing it leads to distancing, same as "closing up". There's a balance to be had and sometimes we do have to keep things to ourselves, or share only at "appropriate" times (whatever that means for your situation).

Back to the present, how long has it been since you last had contact with her? you mentioned time-outs before, how many and how long have they usually been?
Logged

Not all those who wander are lost
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #15 on: July 23, 2019, 08:56:07 PM »

I've struggled with anxiety so let me give you some perspective from the other side .

Too much sharing, too much asking, too much "making things right"; its "the need for constant reassurance" that is often taken as anxiety, clingyness or whatever you want to call it, and it does push people away for some reason (been there done that).

It seems paradoxical that sharing leads to intimacy and closeness, but overdoing it leads to distancing, same as "closing up". There's a balance to be had and sometimes we do have to keep things to ourselves, or share only at "appropriate" times (whatever that means for your situation).

if im honest  with you, the whole idea of the one thing i learn after 12 years is the same reason why she is anxious or closing up, not only disappoint me but also make me not wanna do this anymore, it took me years, a lot of suffering to finally came to this point, cause was the healthy thing to do, I dont think im over sharing, or being clingy, I said that cause I have been there and done that, I know what for me is doing that in the extreme, for me what I have share and done with her was my balance, was my middle you know? if is too much for her or for someone maybe that some is just not the right for me, i dont wanna live in constant stress of what is too much or what is too little, i wish i could just be myself this new and supposedly healthier version of me and being love, i dont wanna come back to my BPD traits just to be with her, and her to feel we are in the same level, do you get me?... i dont think is fair to throw all my years of learning for someone that maybe even in the case i do everything she wants would be still not be good enough. If she doesnt put effort herself to understand my developtment and adjust also a bit to me i dont think i wanna do this anymore.

Back to the present, how long has it been since you last had contact with her? you mentioned time-outs before, how many and how long have they usually been?

It has been 3 weeks already, time outs? 2, the first one has been planned of 1 month, after a week she wrote me and told me she missed me, i told her that for me was important to do the time as we stipulate cause we need to work in ourselves, she apologize and we were ok for 1 week or so, then we fight again and we planned the one week time of, after 5 days she contact me again, we talked and we try all again, everytime we come back was days with a lot of nice words and watching movies, and relaxing, but then something always come back to make her storm out or me get angry and need my space, before the month I was sick like hell, i didnt ask for time, but one day before i got ill she just storm out cause we couldnt handle to pick a movie, she didnt talked with me for days, and when she wrote me was cause she saw i was sick via social media, she said ok i hope you get better soon and didnt contact me for 4 days, i got feed up, to realized i wouldnt be able never to rely on her, that when im sick she doesnt even bother in try to be present and stay at my side even in distance, so i got mad, and I broke up with her, she told me she wanted to give me space, she did that in order to allow me to heal and i said how bad that make me feel and to realize she would never be my support, she told me i never give her the chance, if I just tell her how bad i was she would try, and i say, sure, cause if i tell you about my feeling you have shown time and time again that you are happy to hear me... we stop talking, then when we were saying goodbye came the idea of this month time to calm down and see if we want to try to build the trust again... and right now, at one week of distance to the deadline i still dont know ...
Logged
itsmeSnap
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 458


"Tree of the young brave king"


« Reply #16 on: July 26, 2019, 05:43:06 PM »

Excerpt
then we fight again
What was the first fight about the "going slower" thing? second one was the "being sick" situation right?

Excerpt
one day before i got ill she just storm out cause we couldnt handle to pick a movie
Seems like a relatively minor thing for her to get upset about, what happened?
Logged

Not all those who wander are lost
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #17 on: July 26, 2019, 07:31:56 PM »

What was the first fight about the "going slower" thing? second one was the "being sick" situation right?
we had been having other small fights, but the biggest ones, were because of the things her friend told about me, and from there all became continuously fight, she was as intense as me, maybe more, but when the friend told her PLEASE READ about me and i was so angry cause she didnt stand up for me, or what i though she did, she said i was overwhelming her with emotions, with constants talks about feelings, and i was angry about it cause she said was boring to talk about the same again and again, that why we can not just pretend nothing happened, so for me was the idea of putting the wall and not wanted to fix our relationship and for her was to why i can just not stop talking about feelings, second was again because of the fightings and missunderstandings, and basically cause in my birthday she behave like PLEASE READ with me when i needed it more. the Break up was because of the sick, the sick situation broke my desire to try still with her so i just broke it, and then for some reason we decide to try to build trust again after the month ( this one)

Seems like a relatively minor thing for her to get upset about, what happened?
we had fight that day in the morning, even tho we decided to watch a serie together, but we were both tense, so when the episode finished she asked me if i would like to see something else, i make some suggestions, and she said no, no no, i dont feel like this, ok then you choose, she said angrily i am asking you, and i responded, i give you options, choose whatever you prefer ill watched, so she got angry and say, Fu.. i need to go, i cant with this PLEASE READ, and close the videocall and didnt talk to me for days, and i was so angry i didnt even want to talk withher no more, and here was when i got sick, and decided to broke up.
Logged
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #18 on: July 28, 2019, 07:34:07 PM »

I think the relationship is over now, no more thing to fight for or try to fix. It was clear this last conversation that she is not longer interested in having something and this month for her was better without me. So I guess the healthy thing to do is stepping down from this and allowing her to continue with her life. Thank you for reading me.
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #19 on: August 05, 2019, 07:44:50 PM »

how are you holding up? any update?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #20 on: August 06, 2019, 11:50:26 AM »

how are you holding up? any update?

I am sad. And confuse. She said she wanted only to be my friend, that she still have hope for later with me but that we need to take that out as a goal or we would go back to a bad pattern , to a bad cycle. I said to her I can't be just her friend, I'm not telling her to come back to the relationship but to build trust and start from zero, but she said that would destroy the whole purpose of being friends and not fighting. So I say ok. I can't be your friend only I'm sorry, so she started writing me, that I think I missundertood, that she still loves me, that she still want to be with me, and she realized how much she wants to be with me, but that is not fair, is not fair that I would be waiting for her with hope to something else if right now she is not in good mental health and not in good shape to have a healthy relationship, that she think is unfair that I wait for her or block myself waiting for having something with her when I could have someone now here where I live without so many problems. She said she would like to have fun like before, to be relax, to talk after Job, to spent time together and be the person she wants to see every day after a busy day, that she want to fall in love with me and not rush anything and because of that she wants to be friends and see how we evolved.

So... I truly don't understand what she wants. All and nothing ?
Logged
itsmeSnap
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 458


"Tree of the young brave king"


« Reply #21 on: August 06, 2019, 04:20:51 PM »

Excerpt
I truly don't understand what she wants. All and nothing ?
Yes probably.

Think about it, being friends means a bit of distance, less commitment, less expectations (for love, for care, whatever).

But there's a willingness to be close. "Friends" is just the closest word to describe it, but I'm betting its more of a "let's go back to dating like before we were a couple" so don't be discouraged by word choice, its probably hard enough putting it into "understandable" words, let alone actually explain it (she did try with the whole "see how we evolve" spiel right?)

I think I mentioned it, and if not well here it goes: I went through something similar recently, the woman I've been dating suddenly "lost interest" after I went away on vacation, we talked after I came back and she mentioned wanting to "be just friends".

I said no way, but here's where I approached it: I didn't expect her to be my gf, I didn't ask her to make a choice (friends/gf), I said I'd keep "doing dating things" on my end if we were to keep seeing each other, otherwise the "friend" label would be a hindrance if something ever happens between us.

She agreed, no promises, just keep seeing each other.

the compromise was just ditch the labels and expectations entirely and keep on keeping on, "see where things go, just not just as friends"

Anyway, that's my situation.

i won't say it's been good/perfect after that, but its not over, and we both know/agree we're figuring things out as we go. sometimes she shows affection, sometimes not, I'm starting to catch on to the circumstances that prompt the "flip", though research is still ongoing

I think I did mention this, I think its a timing issue, both yours and mine. I know she's attracted (just like your "friend" says she still wants to try) because she agrees to meet every time, and things sometimes happen like a couple, others like just hanging out.

My point is, there are ways to "flexibly ask for more" if that's what you want. Its a two player game, gotta find a way to meet in the middle.

she may not be ready for "more", but she says she's willing to " give it a shot". kinda like proposing marriage/kids too early and she says "let me get my degree first/I want to start my career in my field first/lets date for a few more months before we decide anything lifechanging" or something, if that makes sense.

Of course you can decide to look for someone ready right now and be done with these "maybes". weigh your options, be sure and confident that your choice does indeed reflect your heart's desires, today and in the near future, before you commit to it.

Excerpt
but she said that would destroy the whole purpose of being friends and not fighting
Now this is a curve ball, sounds a bit like she's convinced that "relationship = fighting"

I'm not sure how I would approach this, there's confirmation bias working against you here: good  moments get overshadowed by "I told you so"s when a little argument becomes evidence confirming the relationship is indeed full of "fights"

Thoughts? How are you processing that in your own mind?

Excuse my storytime, made the reply quite longer than expected, but just like with serving a perfect bowl of pork ramen: you can't just skip the 18 hour broth prep (my "storytime/context") and expect the finished product (my clever insight/advice ) to be any good
Logged

Not all those who wander are lost
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #22 on: August 06, 2019, 07:26:38 PM »


Think about it, being friends means a bit of distance, less commitment, less expectations (for love, for care, whatever).

But there's a willingness to be close. "Friends" is just the closest word to describe it, but I'm betting its more of a "let's go back to dating like before we were a couple" so don't be discouraged by word choice, its probably hard enough putting it into "understandable" words, let alone actually explain it (she did try with the whole "see how we evolve" spiel right?)

I think I mentioned it, and if not well here it goes: I went through something similar recently, the woman I've been dating suddenly "lost interest" after I went away on vacation, we talked after I came back and she mentioned wanting to "be just friends".

I said no way, but here's where I approached it: I didn't expect her to be my gf, I didn't ask her to make a choice (friends/gf), I said I'd keep "doing dating things" on my end if we were to keep seeing each other, otherwise the "friend" label would be a hindrance if something ever happens between us.

She agreed, no promises, just keep seeing each other.

the compromise was just ditch the labels and expectations entirely and keep on keeping on, "see where things go, just not just as friends"


Ok, This is exactly what i said, I realized  she wanted as she said to "fall in love with me like before" and i said ok, then lets take away the labels, lets just see how things go, and she replied that she believe we need more time to separate the deeper feelings to do a friendship properly, she said she needed to cool her jets because now she has  way too many feelings attached to try and separate differences or physical needs that she feeling towards me, but then she mentioned, that she is not telling me to wait for her romantically, but give her time to sort out her nonsense, that she knows is unfair for me to wait for her when she is not in a good mental place right now, when i could have someone complete.

So she was sticking in the idea or "just be friends" and it seems to her there is not a middle ground, it seems like she needs to kill her feelings for me so she could be "just my friend", so because of that i get discourage, cause if she wants what you bet she wants, continue telling me friends, and give me time to deattach is just making me believe i should do what she is doing. suppressing my feeling for her and send her to f... off. when I said i would love you stop sending me with someone else, she reply, that's not what im doing, im not pushing you away, or pushing someone on you, im just realistic that you could find someone better.   So, I wish what you said about the she wants more but she want to reduce the stress would be true but im not sure.


Of course you can decide to look for someone ready right now and be done with these "maybes". weigh your options, be sure and confident that your choice does indeed reflect your heart's desires, today and in the near future, before you commit to it.

Honestly? im f...ing tired. I dont want more relationships, or go around and do stuffs, and is something she cant understand, im not desperate to have someone at my side, i have spent years single cause i adore to be single, cause makes me have no drama, i started something with her because i felt the connection, because i felt she could be worthy and the ONE, but whatever happens, after this relationship i just would like to be alone for a loong time.

Now this is a curve ball, sounds a bit like she's convinced that "relationship = fighting"

I'm not sure how I would approach this, there's confirmation bias working against you here: good  moments get overshadowed by "I told you so"s when a little argument becomes evidence confirming the relationship is indeed full of "fights"

Thoughts? How are you processing that in your own mind?

This is exactly how i think she feels about the relationship, she had have so many bad relationships and the previous one to me was months and months of daily fighting and making her feel "not good enough" and i think this kind of trauma is still in her... and see all relationships not as something could be paceful and loving, but drama and fight. She forgets the good moments and when i said please stop sending me to someone else, she just lost it, she told me i cant do this, you see! again ... you are getting angry and defensive, twisting my words and getting upset! i cant do this, i cant is too much!, im not ok, i need to leave, I need more time to attempt to be your friend.

So i said, ok take your time, do whatever you need to do, I wasnt angry, i wasnt twisting your words, I wanted to explained you im not interested in anyone else, and i would just wish we could be in peace and be the peace place for the other one, but if you need to go now, do it, go, relax and i hope when you are calm you realize you are over stressing for something is not even true.
How i feel? i dont know i have mix ideas, one part of me thinks, f... it! let her go, and never come back, im tired of this hot and cold treatment, I DONT DESERVE THIS!. and then another part of me thinks, she has anxiety, she is probably in an attack and I havent being there as her support not even when we were partners, probably I have not being as emphatic as she would probably needs, and because of that every time she get storm out instead of me being the one calm all things down and being the support, i got triggered and i got angry too and extrapolate all into a big thing... so Im there... in the middle of this confusing ideas.. and I really dont know what to do anymore... or what she wants, or anything...

Dont worry about the storyline, i found it quite similar and I would say i would love that situation happen here but as i told you it seems she is not willing to do that...

Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #23 on: August 06, 2019, 07:47:53 PM »

i think what shes saying is: she likes you. she loves you. the relationship is toxic, and not sustainable. ideally, she wants to consider the old relationship dead, and any future iteration of a relationship to be a "new relationship", a very different, healthier relationship. she feels if she commits to you fully or halfway, that transition will not happen, that things will remain the same, and she very much doesnt want that.

this could be a positive development if you can both seize the opportunity and bring real changes to the dynamic.

if youre anxious about it, and press for commitment or clarity, its likely shes going to feel that, and feel smothered. i think thats where things are right now, and she doesnt feel heard or listened to. she needs you not to be defensive.

if you play it cool, and you follow her lead, and roll with the punches, it will be mighty attractive. she will let you know in her own way when things are at a place that she wants to take the next step.

are you up for it?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Headheldhigh

*
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 32


« Reply #24 on: August 06, 2019, 10:08:34 PM »

i think what shes saying is: she likes you. she loves you. the relationship is toxic, and not sustainable. ideally, she wants to consider the old relationship dead, and any future iteration of a relationship to be a "new relationship", a very different, healthier relationship. she feels if she commits to you fully or halfway, that transition will not happen, that things will remain the same, and she very much doesnt want that.

The killing the previous relationship and start a new one is what I was aiming for, when I said to start from zero, but how can you kill emotions to afterwards feel them again? im sorry but i dont find the sense of that, yes I understand in the we need to change the dynamic, and the patterns we have, but trying to killing feelings i dont think is the answer, cause if I kill mine they would not come back.  I know myself well about that, when I stop loving someone I stop fully. 

if youre anxious about it, and press for commitment or clarity, its likely shes going to feel that, and feel smothered. i think thats where things are right now, and she doesnt feel heard or listened to. she needs you not to be defensive.
Im not anxious about starting again, and I dont think im pressing for commitment, Im not telling her I want to be her gf right away, i want to build the relationship again, I want to build the trust, "start from zero", im not pressuring her to hop back already, but yes I have asked for clarity cause I dont understand this thing of killing feelings to maybe feel them again. That is just playing with the emotions dont you think?. Being confused about what is happenning and what she feels is being defensive?

if you play it cool, and you follow her lead, and roll with the punches, it will be mighty attractive. she will let you know in her own way when things are at a place that she wants to take the next step.

are you up for it?
I let her know before this new "time" I would be walking in her pace, I would go slower and that I will willing to follow her lead if she wants to try it, and she could place her own boundaries to me to not step over and I would do the same and then we can work for there, that we didnt need to put labels and just to let it flow, and she said again that she needed the time cause she is still too attached, and she wants truly to be friends. So yes because of this i asked for the clarity, and if im willing to playing cool and all of that you say, yes I am willing, the thing is she needs to f...ing stop repeating me every 5 seconds this is friendship, cause for me that word is an obstacle for romantic feelings, and if that is what she truly  wants then  she will never have me back as gf even if she "decide" to take the next step. I dont know if you understand me...
Logged
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!