Need Advice - Ex's False Allegations

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hi All,

I've been talking to lawyers already, so from a legal front I've gotten advice. But I wanted to hear everyone else's opinions from a healing perspective. My full story is here - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337603.0

I guess I spoke too soon, I thought I had finally completely detached. But today I got a proposed letter from her lawyer that he wants me to sign - in "lieu of her possibly seeking potential civil or criminal charges."

Basically she's tell her lawyer that I demanded $5k from her or I'd post naked photos of her online, and she's also come up with a story that I physically detained her in my apartment over a year ago. Both are just patently ludicrous, and easily proven false - but the fear of course is the litigation costs and drama, and just wanting to heal.

The issue is the letter is pretty ridiculous - it reads as a one-sided contract. Basically I'm promising to never contact her again, ask anyone else to contact her, go near her house, talk or publish anything about our relationship. Our last interaction was in early May, when she asked me never to contact her again - and I haven't. But nothing in the letter is a promise from her not to contact me, or talk ill of me, or really any guarantees from her side.

First, I truly can't believe how insane this has all become. But there's two trains of thought I have here, and wanted you all's opinion:

Option 1 - I could just sign the letter and be done with it. Even though it's completely one sided, maybe it would finally be the end of it all and I wouldn't have to deal with her ever again. My only fear is given the accusations - who knows if she'd manufacture something else (like claiming I asked one of her enabling friends to contact her) to use the letter against me. But honestly, the chance of just being free from this all is so enticing. But am I being naive?

Option 2 - tell her lawyer I'm uncomfortable signing it, and potentially dragging this on. Albeit, there's nothing credible in her accusations - but who knows at this point what she'd do to continue.

I'm leaning towards Option 1, but there's something nagging me within. As I've gotten farther from the relationship, started healing and truly recognizing what happened - I'm seeing how much she controlled, manipulated and flat out emotionally abused me over the four years. It feels like signing the letter is playing her game, and letting her control me again. I'm worried that's my ego involved, but there's a huge part of me that simply doesn't want to play by her game or her rules anymore, and simply just doesn't want to participate. I genuinely don't want to participate anymore. I'm afraid that I'll feel ill about signing the letter as I'll again be relinquishing control to her - and it might set back my healing, as I'll feel I'm not standing up for myself. But I'm also afraid standing up for myself could drag this on.

Any advice or thoughts?

[gizmo7247]

Hi All,

I've been talking to lawyers already, so from a legal front I've gotten advice. But I wanted to hear everyone else's opinions from a healing perspective. My full story is here - https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=337603.0

I guess I spoke too soon, I thought I had finally completely detached. But today I got a proposed letter from her lawyer that he wants me to sign - in "lieu of her possibly seeking potential civil or criminal charges."

Basically she's tell her lawyer that I demanded $5k from her or I'd post naked photos of her online, and she's also come up with a story that I physically detained her in my apartment over a year ago. Both are just patently ludicrous, and easily proven false - but the fear of course is the litigation costs and drama, and just wanting to heal.

The issue is the letter is pretty ridiculous - it reads as a one-sided contract. Basically I'm promising to never contact her again, ask anyone else to contact her, go near her house, talk or publish anything about our relationship. Our last interaction was in early May, when she asked me never to contact her again - and I haven't. But nothing in the letter is a promise from her not to contact me, or talk ill of me, or really any guarantees from her side.

First, I truly can't believe how insane this has all become. But there's two trains of thought I have here, and wanted you all's opinion:

Option 1 - I could just sign the letter and be done with it. Even though it's completely one sided, maybe it would finally be the end of it all and I wouldn't have to deal with her ever again. My only fear is given the accusations - who knows if she'd manufacture something else (like claiming I asked one of her enabling friends to contact her) to use the letter against me. But honestly, the chance of just being free from this all is so enticing. But am I being naive?

Option 2 - tell her lawyer I'm uncomfortable signing it, and potentially dragging this on. Albeit, there's nothing credible in her accusations - but who knows at this point what she'd do to continue.

I'm leaning towards Option 1, but there's something nagging me within. As I've gotten farther from the relationship, started healing and truly recognizing what happened - I'm seeing how much she controlled, manipulated and flat out emotionally abused me over the four years. It feels like signing the letter is playing her game, and letting her control me again. I'm worried that's my ego involved, but there's a huge part of me that simply doesn't want to play by her game or her rules anymore, and simply just doesn't want to participate. I genuinely don't want to participate anymore. I'm afraid that I'll feel ill about signing the letter as I'll again be relinquishing control to her - and it might set back my healing, as I'll feel I'm not standing up for myself. But I'm also afraid standing up for myself could drag this on.

Any advice or thoughts?

[GaGrl]

What about Option#3 --

 " I sent all assertions in your petition. "

Period. Let them proceed with any proof they have.

[hope2727]

DO NOT SIGN!

That is an admission and totally ridiculous. I would either BIFF response them, firmly sate I will not sign a statement that is blatantly false, or ignore completely. What a ridiculous situation. Tell them to buzz off.

[GaGrl]

Sorry...darn autocorrect got me again.

 "I deny all assertions in this document."

You are uncomfortable because this violates your values. You would be caving for the conveniece of having her out of your life. You know any further action would be a "she said/he said" scenario, and courts are really skeptical about post-breakup conflicts.

[OutOfEgypt]

I agree with others not to sign that document.  As much as it seems like it would get her out of your hair, it won't.  It will be used against you in the future, you can count on it.  Sorry you are going through this.  So horrible.

Do you have any proof to show that she's actually the one being destructive and manipulative?  Witnesses?  Text-messages?  Emails?

[gizmo7247]

@GaGrl - that's exactly my feeling. I feel like I'm betraying myself, and once again being controlled, simply to get her to leave me alone. And of course I'm scared this won't be the end - that she'll use this letter against me.

@hope2727 - also what I'm thinking, it feels too much like a one-sided contract, and there's no guarantees in the letter that she will leave me alone.

@OutofEgypt - well, how she broke up with me was sending police to my apartment after I sent her a breakup email - claiming it was a suicide letter. The police read the letter, apologized for bothering me and told me they see these types of "revenge" calls from exes a lot and block her. So there's a history of her false allegations - documented. Albeit pretty subjective.

We haven't spoken since May 6, when we had an exchange and she asked me not to contact her anymore. So I haven't. Then this. It's so strange - it's like she's still attached and can't let go, so now she's going this crazy route to gain what? I just don't get it. It's so frustrating because for the past few weeks I've been meditating, doing a lot of self-journaling, went back into therapy and was actually feeling a lot better - then this.

I extracted the 4 years of text messages between us, looking for supporting evidence - it was heartbreaking to read through. All the craziness, but all the good too. But it was also enlightening - there's an exchange I'd forgotten about where she was claiming her dad shoved her sister, and was threatening to beat up a bunch of minors - and her mom was doing "nothing" and asked me "you wonder why I think all guys hit girls?" So much craziness and instability.

This sucks. Why won't she just let me be - I was finally starting to heal and then this. I don't want, or need, to rehash any of this.

[OutOfEgypt]

It might be somewhat subjective, but if you have enough of that history of her antics, it's hard to argue otherwise.  One or two things can be explained away, but if there's an accumulation of things that's clearly more than just a one-off misunderstanding.

Man, what an awful situation.  I remember when my ex-wife reported that she was "scared" of me and got a restraining order, getting me kicked out of my own house where I had to sleep on friend's couches and could only see my kids for one overnight a week, which happened at a Motel6.  That was pretty awful.  And it was all so that she could gain control of the divorce and get the "numbers" ($$) that she wanted.  I'm sorry for what you're going through.  I get it.  I've had my ex threaten to make up charges to get me thrown into jail just because our shared children don't want to deal with her behavior anymore.

I totally understand about you being afraid to stand up for yourself.  Outsiders don't understand this, but we know how crazy these people can get.  We have seen them work, and so we know that having a conscience doesn't really come into the picture for them.  They will do what they want to get what they want, no matter how much lying is needed.  That said, try not to make her out to be something she's not, which is a big green monster who always gets her way.  She's not.  I think we tend to struggle with a bit of "learned helplessness".

And how many times have you held back from pulling the proverbial "trigger" on her, protecting her from the consequences of her own actions?  I know I have.  And each time she backed down and then I relented, I didn't follow through with exposing her actions.  If there is a next time (and I hope there isn't), I might not.  I might allow things to follow their course.

[OutOfEgypt]

It's so strange - it's like she's still attached and can't let go, so now she's going this crazy route to gain what?

Yes, this.  I doubt she's thought far enough ahead to consider what she's attempting to gain.  But one thing is for sure, she wants you to look like you have the problems (projection) and she wants to embroil you in conflict with her, probably as a way to punish you while holding onto you at the same time.  As long as you're wrapped up in her, you can't move on and replace her.

[gizmo7247]

@OutofEgypt - that's horrible, I'm so sorry you went through that. I don't think others understand how crazy she really is - and I don't think she's a big monster, I think she's mentally sick and in a lot of internal pain. Which is what makes her even more scary - I don't think she's making up false accusations, I think she's actually convinced herself of them, and believes them. That's what's so hard to deal with and what I don't think others understand.

The restraining order is what I'm scared of - because I would never put it past her to go and try and get one, and then I have to deal with that. Her lawyer seems to understand (and stated overtly) that she has issues - so part of me thinks he just wants this letter to diffuse the situation. But he doesn't know how crazy she can be, and signing it just sets me up for more problems.

I mean, again, I haven't even attempted to contact her in over two months - I just don't understand the point of this. It's so insane to deal with someone who broke up with me in such a horrific way, and then when I'm finally feeling better and moving on they come back around to scream victim and make crazy accusations?

But you're right - for four years I always accepted blame, forgave her for her antics and felt bad for her. This is just so over the top - and it just makes me realize this is never going to end unless I do stand up. It's such an internal struggle though - meditation has been a core tactic I've used to heal, and through it I've definitely learned to just let things go and eliminate negativity - so from that front I'm just thinking - sign the letter and just be done.

I know in my heart that won't be the end though. It doesn't just feel like a compromise of my values and morals being bullied into signing something untrue with false allegations - it also feels like a setup.

[Panda39]

Sorry...darn autocorrect got me again.

 "I deny all assertions in this document."

Yes, this! Perfect, honest, very low JADE (a little "argue" there), doesn't give her anymore ammo so to speak because it's short and to the point.

gizmo,
She is looking for ways to engage with you...negative attention is still attention.  GaGrl gave you the perfect response, less is more when it comes to communication with your ex.  Since these are false allegations coming via an attorney I think you need to respond only to deny the accusations and in the manner above short and to the point nothing more.  Do not JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) too much because when you do you feed the drama monster, giving your ex more things you've said to argue with you more about and you end up in circular arguments.

More on JADE if you haven't already seen it... https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

How are you communicating with your ex?  Phone, Text, Email? If it hasn't been suggested yet go to only email, it slows down the interaction so you can think about what is being said, what you should respond to, or if you need to respond at all.  Email also documents the conversations.

Also can you get a copy of the police report of their visit to your home?  That's piece of documentation that shows she is capable of false allegations/reporting.

I went through much of a 2 year divorce with my Partner from his high conflict uBPDxw.  It was painful and it was grueling and he also was emotionally exhausted by it.  I get wanting to do anything to just make it stop and make her go away, but you have to protect yourself!  Don't admit to things you haven't done.

Panda39

[gizmo7247]

@Panda - good advice, particularly getting the police report. And you're right - my first instinct is to defend my name and prove her wrong with evidence, but I agree with you both (and what my lawyer friend is advising) by simply replying short, sweet and disengaging.

As for communication - we had been emailing, but again we haven't communicated in over two months - which is what makes all of this so strange. But maybe I'm missing the obvious - the lack of me trying to communicate in two months might have sparked all this. Who knows.

Wow, when I'd read here that BPDs recycle and try to re-engage, I thought she'd send me an email or text telling me she needed me, or missed me, or something. Not send a lawyer after me with outlandish allegations. This is insane.

[gizmo7247]

@Panda - thanks for that link. I just read through about JADE, incredibly helpful.