Daughter in law screams “These are not your grandkids and never will be

[Our abuse recovery guide]

Utterly destroyed by my son’s wife and children. After 4 months of crying everyday, not sleeping, then finally waking up hurting so bad that I felt I couldn’t move, I went to my doctor to ask for help with a headache that wouldn’t go away.

That was just two weeks ago and I had never heard of BPD. When my doctor asked if I was under any stress I just turned my head and looked out the window because there were no words, only tears. So, she asked me to tell her a little bit about what was going on.  So here is my story.

My oldest son married a gal that had three children from two different men. Not a problem as my husband and myself love kids and know that sometimes people just have bad luck and need a second or third chance. This is also a bi-racial relationship.  Again, no big deal. We try to see people as people. Good or bad, not black or white. Well just a month after they started dating my son’s s girlfriend asked me to go shopping with her. She was looking for a dress. That’s when she sprung it on me that they would be getting married next month, just two months after meeting. I guess I must have shown my surprise because she went onto explain that they had gone on a weekend adventure to an amusement park and they gotten  along so well that they were going to get married. Fortunately for me, I was able to talk with my son and share our concerns. He shared with us that her second baby daddy, just a month after the twins were born, hit her and she had him arrested. This happened after she confronted him at a restaurant and admittedly told me she pushed him first.  And since he was in the Military they put him in Leavenworth for 2 or 3 years.

Her rush to get married continued and they got married just two years after meeting. That was the true beginning of her hate or mistrust of me. My son asked me to come over to help them set up the reception room. When I asked how soon we could get in on the day before the wedding to start setting up she let me have it yelling, “No one is going to set things up before I get here and I can’t get here until after 5:00!” (The wedding was the next morning.) “My mother told me this was my day and I am supposed to get everything I want!” 

[grammywudbpdil]

Utterly destroyed by my son’s wife and children. After 4 months of crying everyday, not sleeping, then finally waking up hurting so bad that I felt I couldn’t move, I went to my doctor to ask for help with a headache that wouldn’t go away.

That was just two weeks ago and I had never heard of BPD. When my doctor asked if I was under any stress I just turned my head and looked out the window because there were no words, only tears. So, she asked me to tell her a little bit about what was going on.  So here is my story.

My oldest son married a gal that had three children from two different men. Not a problem as my husband and myself love kids and know that sometimes people just have bad luck and need a second or third chance. This is also a bi-racial relationship.  Again, no big deal. We try to see people as people. Good or bad, not black or white. Well just a month after they started dating my son’s s girlfriend asked me to go shopping with her. She was looking for a dress. That’s when she sprung it on me that they would be getting married next month, just two months after meeting. I guess I must have shown my surprise because she went onto explain that they had gone on a weekend adventure to an amusement park and they gotten  along so well that they were going to get married. Fortunately for me, I was able to talk with my son and share our concerns. He shared with us that her second baby daddy, just a month after the twins were born, hit her and she had him arrested. This happened after she confronted him at a restaurant and admittedly told me she pushed him first.  And since he was in the Military they put him in Leavenworth for 2 or 3 years.

Her rush to get married continued and they got married just two years after meeting. That was the true beginning of her hate or mistrust of me. My son asked me to come over to help them set up the reception room. When I asked how soon we could get in on the day before the wedding to start setting up she let me have it yelling, “No one is going to set things up before I get here and I can’t get here until after 5:00!” (The wedding was the next morning.) “My mother told me this was my day and I am supposed to get everything I want!” 

[JNChell]

Hi, grammywudbpdil. Welcome to  bpdfamily. I can see that you’re stressed. We understand that around here. Once you settle in here you’ll be surprised at the similarities in all of our stories.

You mentioned going to the doctor because of pain. You also mentioned your daughter in law and her children. Can you give us more insight here? What has your daughter in law and her children done? A little more insight will help us start a conversation with you about that.

[grammywudbpdil]

Oops,  sorry. I wrote more but I guess it’s not there.

[Panda39]

Hi grammywudbpdil,

I wanted join JNChell in welcoming you to the group.  I come at BPD from a slightly different angle, my Partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw).

I hope to hear the rest of your story...just keep going    I agree with JNChell it's eerie how similar our stories can be. 

Have you been doing any reading about BPD?  That was the first thing I did once I discovered BPD...found out about it by Googling "Chronic Lying" (although my Partner's ex has not been diagnosed the shoe fit.)  Reading helped me get a more rational look at BPD vs the chaos and emotion (in my case anger) that I was feeling.

A couple of books that I liked regarding BPD in general are...

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder
by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger

Overcoming Borderline Personality Disorder: A Family Guide for Healing and Change
by Valerie Porr, M.A

Books helped me get a basic understanding of BPD and then I arrived here and was able to learn some practical approaches that helped with my situation.  The first thing I had to get a handle on was my own anger. 

There are tools that we can share, you can just vent when you need to, there is lots of support from the members here (everyone has someone with BPD or BPD traits in their life so we "get it") and there is a ton of information.

Here is a link to "Do's and Don'ts in a BPD Relationship" that you might find helpful...

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=62266.0

What types of things are you struggling most with regarding your Daughter in law (DIL)?

Again Welcome, I'm glad you decided to jump in and join us.

Panda39

[grammywudbpdil]

Part 2- These are not you grandchildren!

Hi. Thanks to everyone who read my unfinished post. I did write more, I just don’t know what happened to it.

My son married a gal with three children. She pushed to get married and pushed for us to allow the kids to call us grandma and grandpa. After the wedding things continued to get worse between the two of us. I always felt like I was upsetting her just by breathing.

In May my son accepted a job out of state that she visited and was fully behind him on. She and her three older kids would stay behind because she is a school teacher and they needed to finish school too. They would join him in the summer. He now lives 8 hours away, but she has called and begged him to come home every weekend, which he did because he felt guilty. His wife was 5 months pregnant. She still needed him to cook and clean and get the other kids to and from school. She said she was just overwhelmed. These were the things he did way before she became pregnant and he moved so nothing really changed.

Anyhow, one day I got a text from the babysitter telling me that she needed my help. When she picked the kids up at the bus stop the 6 year old boy started hitting and pushing her. When she tried to stop him he yelled so loud the neighbors all stared and she was afraid they would call the police. I told her I was just leaving work and would be there in a few minutes. Before I could get there she texted me again saying that he had now hit his sisters making both of them cry.

( Some background here might help you to understand my thoughts...when the twins were a month old, their mother accused her then husband and father of the babies, of infidelity. He apparently pushed her and the police were called and he was arrested. Because he was in the Military he was arrested immediately and sent to Leavenworth Prison for 2-3 years. My son met his wife when the twins, a boy and a girl, were almost 2 and the oldest daughter was 7. His wife told me when we first met that she had confronted him at a restaurant and made a scene before he pushed her and that he or his parents would never see the kids again.)

So back to her son hitting the babysitter.  When I got there I took him upstairs to his room. When he realized that he was being punished he started throwing a tantrum which usually included screaming and kicking. I held him in my arms as I sat on the floor of his room trying to calm him down so that we could talk. I was sure that due to his biological fathers abusive nature, my son’s wife would not want her son to behave the same way. My logical thinking, not hers. A few minutes later she barged into his room yelling at me to get out! She said”These are not your grandkids! They will never be your grandkids! And you will never have any grandkids!”   Well, that made me mad and since I am a lousy fighter and try to avaoid confrontation at all costs, I sat her son on the floor, got up and fired back at her, “you’ve got that wrong! I will have one grandchild! (Wait for it...then I added) Bitch. And I was out the door.

Before I could get to my car my son, who lives 8 hours away, called to ask what had happened. I was so shaken up by her outburst that I cried as I retold the story to my son. At that time, I knew that I would never get to know my grandchild if his wife had anything to do with it. Why would I be treated any different that the other grandparents?  Unable to live with this thought I extended the first of 9 olive branches with no response from her at all. And that included going to bet baby shower and being completely ignored.  

So now it is just a week before the baby is due. My Dad had wanted to take a trip up to visit my son and also his ailing brother who lives in a nearby town. I got a hotel room for my dad and sister to share and I was going to stay with my son and her son in a tent trailer to have more time with them. An hour before we were supposed to leave I get a call from my son saying that she wants this resolved before the baby is born and wants me to apologize for calling her a bad name! Well, that frustrated me and I told him he could tell her where to go. And I hung up the phone!  A few minutes later my son called back and told my husband thatI was not allowed to come up to visit since her son was there.  So not only did I not get to see my son, but I also missed out on visiting with my uncle whom we only expect to live a few more weeks. More tears!

So the day before the baby is due The daughter in-law sends me a text asking that we come to the hospital because our son needs our support but she does not want me to upset her children. I wasn’t going to go. I didn’t want my heart to be broken again, but then my son called and asked if we could picked up their oldest daughter from camp and bring her to the hospital to see the baby. So I did what grandmas are supposed to do and picked her up. She immediately gave me the stink eye and did not talk on the way to the hospital.  On day three at the hospital I finally broke down and held my grand daughter. She is beautiful.iwas enjoying the moment, for just a moment, when her three kids all climbed all over me and the baby. Looking at the baby as she moved her tongue her son said to me, “ Look, M is sticking her tongue out. She says, I Hate Grandma!”  Another knife to the heart.  

That’s how I ended up at my doctors and a counselors office. I am now on drugs for anxiety and depression just to survive. Yippee, no more tears. I know my son is doing the best he can. This too is all new to him. He fell in love with someone he thought he could help. Now with his own new baby, he is stuck between a rock and a hard place.

My counselor unofficially diagnosed her as BPD and had me get the book, “Stop Walking on Eggshells” it has been an eye opener. He is hoping that with a little understanding I. An have some compassion. Not to forgive, not to forget. But so that I might be able to move on with my life. I pray that God will give me the strength and courage to go on. Just the thought of her or her kids sends my anxiety through the roof. Thank goodness I am seeing my counselor again tomorrow for our third session. Any advice would be welcome.