I’m done but feel guilty about leaving

[Kingherc]

I have been married for almost 11 years. It was great in the beginning but over time my wife treated me worse and worse. I thought it was because I wasn’t doing my duty as a husband. As time went on I realized that her rages over small things were not my fault. I tried confronting her but was told to just leave her then. She was diagnosed with breast cancer two years ago and I naively thought the treatment would improve but it got so much worse. Her family and I confronted her about it less than a year ago and since then life has been hell. She has threatened to leave me and requested a divorce. All throughout I tried to fight for the marriage only to be pushed further away. I started to see a counselor and as I went through all that has happened he said she is exhibiting bpd traits. The more I read about bpd the more I saw my wife in the articles and books. She finally pushed me to the edge where I have nothing left and told her I want a divorce, but now that I have nothing left she wants to work on things. We are seeing a counselor and the new counselor confirmed her suspicions that my wife suffers from bpd. I don’t know what to do. I can’t be in this marriage anymore. I have nothing left. I want out but I feel overwhelming guilt that I might be leaving someone who is suffering so bad. I don’t trust her and I don’t believe any of this will change. We have two kids and I am also scared to death what a divorce will do to them. But I can’t be with her anymore I can’t endure the abuse anymore.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi there,

Welcome to BPD family. I'm sorry for the situation in your relationship. I do understand how hard it is to feel guilty because you are considering ending the marriage. These relationships can be exhausting, and sometimes we can get to a point where we simply don't have any reserves in the emotional and mental energy tank.

I have moved your post to the Bettering board, since you are still in contact with your partner. This board is the best place to explore and learn the communication techniques and tools which will be useful to you whether or not you do decide to separate.

I hope you will settle in, read and respond to others' posts, and I think you will find that you are by no means alone. We're here with you.

Blessings,

Redeemed

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi, I want to join I Am Redeemed in extending a warm welcome here. These relationships are hard, and I see that you have given a lot. And now you're exhausted. You've found a community of people who understands, here. We're here to listen, to help and to support.

Let's slow things down a little bit so you can catch your breath, you've been through the wringer in the last few years. You say you don't know what to do, you're worried about your kids and about her. Would you feel comfortable taking a little time to read and post here before coming to a decision? You'll find lots of tools and tips, and helpful posts and advice. Whatever you want to do going forwards, we'll walk with you.

How old are you kids?

[Kingherc]

Thank you and I will take the time to read and absorb others experiences. My kids are 4 and 8.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi agian, thank you for coming back with some more information. So your kids are still fairly young, then. How are you today?

I was wondering, what is the day to day interactions like at the moment between you and your wife? What are the behaviours you find the most difficult to live with?

[ThemApples]

Hi Kingherc,
I'm relatively new, too - I've made a few posts over recent years and read a few myself, but haven't spent much time here. 

I too am "done but feeling guilty" about leaving my 17 year marriage, and have found that this conflicted state has been torture for many years.  We have one child, middle-school aged. 

I've stayed out of guilt and obligation, and fear that it would be worse for our child if I leave.  I've stayed to protect, to buffer and soothe, to try to undo the invalidation after the dysregulation and emotional explosions have happened and my uBPD spouse has left the house (usually happens following a severe dysregulation), and immunize against future invalidation.

I've also stayed out of co-dependency, because I'm the oldest child of an alcoholic and dammit, if I just work harder/do better, I can make it ok, right?  (nope - but boy is that hard to work against.)

And sometimes I've stayed because I've stuck it out this far, and looking at "grey divorce" isn't that appealing.

But I'm done, all the same.  I don't trust him emotionally at any time. Things can go from zero to nightmare in a split second, with no warning.  I can't gently share my feelings or worries with him without being blamed for being mean and threatening to him, while at the same time being blamed for shutting him out.  I don't trust his judgment when he's emotionally dysregulated, which happens in any tense or dangerous situation.  I don't entirely trust him physically based on past experience.  So, I'm no longer in love with him, and I dislike interactions with him and a good part of his parenting.  This has all taken 13+ years to develop; my "doneness" is not a sudden or new feeling.

I've read a lot about BPD in recent years as I've struggled to learn about it and how to deal with it.  I've learned a lot, and come out more aware, and in my situation, less hopeful.  I have read and received lots of advice on boundaries and validation, and have worked hard on those.  Personally, I have found no success, and my spouse's emotional reactivity and relationship with me and with our child continue to worsen.  I am now starting to see very concerning patterns in my son's behavior and emotional responses that make me think he is being affected by his father's constant invalidation and putting responsibility for his (dad's) feelings--and the state of his relationship with me--squarely on our son in exactly so many words.  I think that in my case, staying has been the wrong decision for my son and myself.  And still, here I am, because of guilt.  Guilt now, and to some (maybe large?) degree, fear that the guilt will just be worse if I leave (I should have stayed!  Tried harder!  Changed myself more!), and I'll be even more miserable...

I don't mean to be talking about me so much - I guess I'm just trying to say that I hear you say you're done, and I understand the pain that comes with the conflict of that feeling plus guilt.  Your experience and concerns and feelings may be entirely different than mine, and I don't mean to say I understand your experience at all - just that whatever it is, it's hard.  And you're doing your best in every moment. 

Best wishes  for peace and clarity.

[Kingherc]

scarlet Phoenix,
   Right now things are very tense day to day.  The last 6 months I was out of town for training and was only communicating via telephone and multiple times a week she would try and engage in a negative way fighting with me and accusing me of things.  I finally pushed that we needed counseling (this was all before i suspected BPD or any of my counselors said as much).  This was met with hostility and eventually began 4 months of constant threats and her expressing desires to end the marriage.  I fought it and tried to remain calm expressing to her that we needed the help of a counselor and we were not going to engage on those discussions of ending the marriage until i got home.  She continually pushed harder and harder to the point that the only calm and logical conversations we had were those planning divorce.  towards the last few weeks of me being gone i had finally let go of the marriage and accepted divorce and in fact felt relief about it.  For the first time I felt content in a decision in my marriage.  By now I had come to the conclusion with the help of my personal counselor that my W was uBPD.  When I finally got home we had been set to meet a marriage counselor to discuss the marriage but in my mind it was more to start moving forward with the divorce.  the day before we were to meet with the counselor she kept pushing and pushing me to tell her what I was thinking and ended up asking me a question that i slipped up on and admitted i wanted a divorce.  It was a very long night after that.  She went from anger to sorrow to trying to be sweet and back in minutes.  Since then we have seen the counselor twice and she is now all of a sudden fighting for our marriage but I am so emotionally drained and exhausted I no longer want that.  I want to be free of this.  Day to day is very tense.  She tries to engage with me expressing her desires to fix the marriage and move forward which then drives me to reiterate that I am not of the same mind set which results in a fight or rage from her.  I try not to emphasis that anymore but am so afraid that she will take my lack of saying that as indication that I want the marriage to work too, and i expressed these fears with the counselor and her last week.  She demanded that we do something as a family every weekend for the kids and I told her I will do things as a family for the kids but would not commit to every weekend, but rather will play it by ear.  I am sleeping in our kids room right now while the kids sleep in bed with her (they had been sleeping there the entire 6 months I was gone).  the counselor we are seeing seems to be going down the road of BPD, she recommended i read " stop walking on eggshells" which i just finished and am going to read again.  I acknowledge that I want to work on our relationship but at this point solely because we need to be coparents and will continue to be in each others lives and as such there are certain skills we need to gain before we divorce, but I am so afraid that this will be interpreted as "working on the marriage".  it is all so frustrating and exhausting.

[Kingherc]

ThemApples,
   Thank you and so much of what you describe are experiences I have had as well.  I had decided over two years ago that I would just stay in the marriage to protect my kids.  14 years isn't so long and then I could leave when the kids are out of the house.  What changed my mind on this was I realized since I have two boys that everyday I endure this treatment from my W I am teaching those boys that this is ok.  My biggest fear now is that they will grow up and find someone just like their mom or treat someone because this is the example I have set for them.  I can not bear to imagine that for them, and thus my mindset drastically changed.

Initially I was invested just enough to try and fix things if she was willing to do the work with me, but since she has fought me so much over the last 6 months blaming me and beating me down it has pushed me past the breaking point.

I feel like I have drawn a line in the sand with her so many times that now the line is along a cliffs edge and there is no place else to go but out.  I am just tired.

[once removed]

hi Kingherc,

you sound exhausted. im glad you reached out.

is your wife now cancer free? for how long have the two of you been in counseling together now?

It was great in the beginning but over time my wife treated me worse and worse.

do you want to share some more about this, and whats going on now?

[Kingherc]

Yes it looks like they got all the cancer. She has one more surgery coming up and will be on meds for a while.  We have been in counseling for the last few weeks but she decided, and I agreed, that together we weren’t accomplishing anything so she is going to go by herself for a while. The counselor seems to recognize that there are many bpd traits and is directly addressing them.

So in the beginning things were exciting and fun but she always had what I thought was just an extreme temper. I remember one time we had gotten into a fight over religion (we are both Christian but I was raised catholic and she doesn’t like Catholicism) and I was reaching into the back of the car to get something and accidentally tapped her arm. She thought I hit her and she threw her food at me and began screaming at me.

Things like that happened but we’re few and besides I was in love. When I asked her parents if I could marry her they actually warned me about her temper and anger. I dismissed it.

After we got married the rages became more frequent and the screaming and name calling started taking hold. I couldn’t talk about any women I worked with for fear she would accuse me of cheating. If I was traveling she got mad if I went out.

After kids things just got a lot worse and more frequent. When she would rage she would throw things and yell at me and many times she would lay down and start pulling her hair and screaming. It wasn’t until we were married 8 years that I started to tell her she couldn’t treat me this way and she just told me to leave then.

Every year it got worse and worse.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Kingherc, how's it going today? I hope you find solace in reading others' posts here, sometimes it can help to see that you are not alone.

And I'm glad to hear that the cancer treatments is going well.

You write:

I acknowledge that I want to work on our relationship but at this point solely because we need to be coparents and will continue to be in each others lives and as such there are certain skills we need to gain before we divorce, but I am so afraid that this will be interpreted as "working on the marriage".  it is all so frustrating and exhausting.

What you're saying here is good. Work on the relationship for what will come. If you end up divorced, you will, as you say, have to co-parent. If you have it in you to do some work now with boundaries and validation and such, the future situation will be easier. Do what's right for you.

I can see why you worry about your wife taking it as working on the marriage, and she very well may think so. I'd advice you not to focus too much on that, though, as we cannot influence what our partners think or feel, and not how they see what we do. You'll know your motivation, hold true to that.