Broken hearted again

[WantToBeFree]

Is it ok to post about relationships since the one with your BPD-ex?  I've been split from my ex for just over a year now, and our divorce was final this past January.  I had no intentions of dating for a long time, and was content with just being single, and I have my D5.

A few weeks before my divorce was final, I came across an old friend on FB so I messaged him.  I had no real intentions when I did so, other than "now I can".  When I was with my ex-BPDh, merely even looking at another guy would have made him go ballistic, so mostly I was just exercising my new found freedom to do whatever I wanted. 

It didn't take long before chatting with this old friend (we had dated a couple times years ago, before I met my ex-h, but it never really went anywhere) became the highlight of my day.  He was very flirty and I was basking in the attention that I was starved for.  It had been a long long time since I felt truly wanted by my ex-h, usually, he was either yelling at me or being abusive or being super nice just to keep me from leaving him.  So I fell for this "new" guy's attention, hook line and sinker. 

He was deployed overseas and wouldn't be home for several months, so I thought it was the perfect way to dip my toes back into dating since right then it was nothing more than just chatting via text, and if we were still talking by the time he got home, I figured I'd cross that bridge when I got to it.  But even if we did continue talking and see each other when he got home, I didn't want anything serious, at least not right away.  I was hoping he would be someone I could casually see, and have fun with and see where it went.

The entire time we talked, we made plans to see each other, and he talked about all that we would do, the places we would go, etc.  He finally got home in early June but I didn't hear from him for three weeks. 

I messaged him a couple times to which he did not reply, so I gave up, assuming I was no longer needed now that he was home, but I was really bummed.  Then one day he messaged me again, apologized for not being in contact and said how busy he'd been.  I forgave him since I'd imagine returning home from deployment can be overwhelming.  We made plans and went on a date that weekend.  I thought it went well, he talked as though we would see each other again.  I messaged him a couple of times that following week but he never seemed too excited to talk and he didn't message me.  Again I gave up, figuring if he wants to talk to me then he would.  It's been almost 3 weeks since our date, and two weeks since I last talked to him. 

If he messaged me again, I had planned on telling him that while I do want a casual relationship, not talking for weeks on end was too casual and not what I wanted.  But tonight I just found out from FB that he is back with his ex-girlfriend (they had broken up at some point in the couple months before he and I started talking, but I don't know why or any details).

I feel like someone punched me in the gut.  Maybe I liked him more than I realized, or maybe I did really just like the attention from someone and it wasn't really about HIM, but still I am so hurt and upset.   Obviously, I know we weren't a couple or exclusive, but I feel like we talked way too long to be treated like this.  To just be ghosted and for him to get back with his ex and never speak to me again.  I'm also mad at myself because I feel like after all I went through with my ex, I feel pretty dumb for falling for what I thought was a good guy again, and getting my heart (or whatever) stomped on again. 

I know I should just let it go, he's not worth it, but I don't want him to think I am ok with this.  I want him to know he did a PLEASE READty thing and it hurt me.  I don't think I will be able to stop myself from saying something to him.  He probably won't care, if he did he wouldn't have done it in the first place.  I'm just so angry...and I'm wondering how much of it was just using me.  Did he have an idea they would get back together once he was home, so I was just someone to pass the time with while he was deployed?  I doubt they just decided overnight one night to get back together, so was there talks of getting back together and he decided to go sew his wild oats with me one last time before getting back together with her?  I just feel so dumb.  I never thought I would even date again this soon, let alone date, fall for someone and end up feeling so horrible again. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WTBF,

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through.  I suggest you write out what you would like to say to him and then pause.  Put it on the back burner.  Look at it again a few days later.  Maybe you will send it; maybe not.

You could also post it here, if you feel like it.  Some letters/messages are best left unsent, after one has expressed oneself in print.  It's up to you!

LuckyJim

[once removed]

Is it ok to post about relationships since the one with your BPD-ex?

encouraged! the Detaching/Learning board is also a self inventory, and dating board.

I was basking in the attention that I was starved for.
...
I'm just so angry...and I'm wondering how much of it was just using me

if you liked the attention, were you using him?

more than likely, he was in a similar position to you. just out of a relationship, and he liked the attention; obviously liked you, too. the prospect of that relationship recycling complicated things (it almost always will). the situation with you was new, and tentative, and the pull of an unresolved relationship is pretty difficult to compete with. it sucks, but it happens.

I never thought I would even date again this soon, let alone date, fall for someone and end up feeling so horrible again.  

there are real risks to dating when we are grieving and vulnerable. we can be needy (i sure as hell was) and people can sense this. the attention feels nice; it feels a lot worse when its pulled away. there are many other risks.

you could put him on blast for it, sure. and that might feel good for a moment. i dont think it would be a strong move. i dont think it would change your circumstances. i think it would probably feel worse if he doesnt reply.

dating after our relationships is hard. theres a lot to learn, unlearn, and relearn. one of the things that helped me the most was learning to delay gratification, and work through my feelings, whether theyre loneliness, or hurt/rejection, or something else.

[WantToBeFree]

Thanks LuckyJim, I ended up messaging him a couple hours ago.  Maybe I should have waited some more, but I had a terrible sleep last night, weird dreams, etc.  I just needed to get it done with. 

I basically told him "it's really (insert expletive) to talk to someone for months, sleep with them and then never speak to them again.  Have a nice (expletive) life".  He read the message almost right away and hasn't responded.  Maybe he is busy and will once he has a minute, or maybe he's not going to respond at all.  Most likely the latter.  I guess it doesn't really matter, I wouldn't trust that an apology is sincere so whatever.  But at least I said my piece and he knows he hurt me.  I just didn't want him thinking this was so casual that it didn't bother me in the slightest. 

Even if he didn't think he meant anything to me, I cannot believe people can get to their mid-40's and not realize that he at least owed me the decency of telling me he wouldn't be seeing me again and that he is back with his ex.  I know 6 months isn't a lifetime, but it's a long enough time to deserve a goodbye.  I would have still been bummed and sad, but at least that I could have respected.  Thanks for listening!

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi WantToBeFree, I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I don't know what his intentions were, and chances are that he won't give you any answers, as he is back with his ex. I think you were brave to open up to new possibilities. And you were unlucky, and maybe there were some signs you didn't pick up on because you what you had with him did you good? Maybe not.

As I was writing, I see that you posted a new post. So, you sent him a message, it was what you had to do for you. I wouldn't expect an answer. He's in a different place than you, and his understanding of what happened between you is most likely different than yours. Because he is not you, not because yours is wrong in any way.

I hope you feel better soon. Is there anything you can do to take your mind off it?

We're here for you!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey WantTo,

Good for you for saying what you wanted to say to him.  Now it's time to let go and move on.  It hurts, I know, but one grows from these painful experiences.  I admire your courage for having been open to a new r/s, so give yourself credit.  I suggest you treat yourself well, like you would a good friend who had the same experience.

LJ

[WantToBeFree]

encouraged! the Detaching/Learning board is also a self inventory, and dating board.

if you liked the attention, were you using him?

more than likely, he was in a similar position to you. just out of a relationship, and he liked the attention; obviously liked you, too. the prospect of that relationship recycling complicated things (it almost always will). the situation with you was new, and tentative, and the pull of an unresolved relationship is pretty difficult to compete with. it sucks, but it happens.

you could put him on blast for it, sure. and that might feel good for a moment. i dont think it would be a strong move. i dont think it would change your circumstances. i think it would probably feel worse if he doesnt reply.

I think the concept of being used by someone is totally dependent on their intentions.  Using someone is one sided...getting what you want without giving anything back.  When you're not using someone, you're reciprocating actions/words and care to some degree about the person.  While maybe in the very very beginning I enjoyed the attention, I did still like him, want to talk to him and hoped he was doing well.  If you just define using someone as getting something out of it, then ALL relationships would be using someone because we all get something we enjoy (presumably) from any relationship we have. 

I get that I could not compete with a past relationship and feelings...if there is any spark or desire to reconcile, it would trump something new any day.   I reconciled once with my ex-h before finally separating for good, but had I been seeing someone while I was separated and had any desire to reconcile with my ex-h, I am sure I would have chosen that instead of the new relationship.  And had this guy came to me and said I'm sorry but things aren't done with my ex yet and I have to give it another shot, I would have been bummed sure, and sad.  But it would have been the decent thing for him to do.

But thank you for the description of what could have happened in his head.  It helps to know that maybe at one time I was on his radar and he did like me and saw a possible future, but the ex won out.  It's less painful to think that is maybe the case, rather than he just used me until they decided to get back together.       

[WantToBeFree]

As I was writing, I see that you posted a new post. So, you sent him a message, it was what you had to do for you. I wouldn't expect an answer. He's in a different place than you, and his understanding of what happened between you is most likely different than yours. Because he is not you, not because yours is wrong in any way.

I hope you feel better soon. Is there anything you can do to take your mind off it?

We're here for you!

Thank you.  No, I wasn't really expecting an answer and haven't gotten one thus far, so I am sure I won't.  I basically just wanted him to know that it hurt me, and it wasn't right to do.  I felt that if I said nothing, he may assume that I didn't care either way and it wasn't a big deal, when it was to me.  I do feel a little better getting it off my chest...not sure the feeling will last but I'll take it for now. 

As far as getting my mind off from it, I guess it'll just take time.  I'm just bummed that my first dating experience after my divorce had to go this way.  It just makes me that much more afraid to trust anyone again.  But being on my own for a while definitely isn't a bad thing.  Maybe after some time I will once again be stupid enough, haha, I mean brave enough to try again. 

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Wantto-

I’m really sorry about what happened here.  I think because you knew this guy from your long ago past, you may have placed some extra trust in him.  I likely would have, too.  There does tend to be a “comfort” of sorts when we reconnect with people from our pasts.

In light of your reconnection, his being away on deployment and both of your recent breakups, it’s easy to see how intimacy developed during your 6 months of communication while he was overseas.

Since there was no detail provided on the circumstances surrounding his breakup, you had no way of knowing he and his ex would reunite.  And my guess is he did NOT know that either.  In my younger years, I dated a marine who was stationed overseas for a year during our courtship.  Several of his buddies were dropped by their GF’s while stationed abroad and the guys were heartbroken.  They all assumed their relationships were permanently over, but that wasn’t always the case.  And in most instances it was the girl who reignited things.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself.  It happened.  If possible, take delight in knowing you CAN feel a sparkle again.  It’s just better and safer to light it up face to face.  And use the “no fear” approach when learning about where a man stands in his “recovery” from a relationship.

And yea... when you tell a guy to have a nice (expletive) life, he probably won’t be saying “thanks” anytime soon.  But he undoubtedly got the message.

Take good care and allow yourself to work through these feelings.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[WantToBeFree]

Dear Wantto-

I’m really sorry about what happened here.  I think because you knew this guy from your long ago past, you may have placed some extra trust in him.  I likely would have, too.  There does tend to be a “comfort” of sorts when we reconnect with people from our pasts.

Please don’t be too hard on yourself.  It happened.  If possible, take delight in knowing you CAN feel a sparkle again.  It’s just better and safer to light it up face to face.  And use the “no fear” approach when learning about where a man stands in his “recovery” from a relationship.

I think that is a huge part of it.  I feel extra dupped because not only did I think he was a good guy for the last six months, I always thought of him as a good guy for the last 12 years!  I certainly didn't view him as the one who got away all this time, but he crossed my mind now and again over the years.  I joked with my friend that where I went wrong with my ex-h was I married a hot guy who turned out to be an a** and I should have married a nice nerd like this other guy.  Of course I don't fully believe that, but basically, this guy wasn't what I was looking for in my 20's, and now that I'm in my 40's I thought maybe he was the kind of guy I should have given more consideration to back then, and I thought he was a good guy that wouldn't hurt me. 

I did think of the fact that it at least gave me hope that I can fall for someone else again.  It's weird but if I had to choose, I would rather be sitting here crying over this guy than crying over my ex-h.  If there is such a thing, it's probably a much healthier break up to be crying over.  Thanks for your kind words  

[Gemsforeyes]

Hi Wantto-

I hope you’re beginning to feel a bit better, but tears are just fine.  Let the healthy ones fall.

I am moved to say a few things.  Just because your old friend reunited with his ex does NOT mean he purposely duped you into thinking he was a nice guy.  There’s no reason to believe he’s NOT a nice guy, and you’ve known him for many years. 

Maybe he felt like s<*t and didn’t know how to handle things with you after 6 months of correspondence and the intimacy.  AND... the absence of meaningful conversation about his ex-girlfriend... how could he explain this without making you feel badly?  (His thinking, not mine.). Lots of people go silent rather than face things.  They don’t have the guts to lay it out.  Sad but true.

I want to tell you something; it’s what I was told about myself by a man I knew very well from childhood through college.  During my divorce this old friend and I met a few times when I visited my home state.  I think it had been 30+ years since we’d seen each other.  He had divorced just prior to me.  He told me I was extremely flirty, yet really aloof, and he could not read me at all.  I was stunned because I always thought I was crystal clear in my presentation to men (my industry was male dominant).  So my point is... we don’t always KNOW exactly how we come across after we leave a long-term marriage.   So Wantto, maybe there’s a chance you presented as simply wanting a carefree engagement?  Who knows...

But this.  I believe no matter who we were BEFORE we entered our marriages to our pwBPD, we certainly don’t immediately exit as “carefree”.  Uh uh.  Not for a while... maybe our outsides present as carefree, but not our insides.

AND... because of the big-hearted woman that YOU are, and what you’ve been through, there’s a possibility you may begin to second guess (pronounced “punish”) yourself for the content of your goodbye text to him.   It’s ok, it’s ok, it’s ok!

Should this happen, you can always send a brief note to your old friend and clean it up.  Or not.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes