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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: filing for more parenting time and trying to decide whether to withhold visits  (Read 508 times)
worriedStepmom
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« on: July 12, 2019, 09:48:05 AM »

My H finally decided that he's had enough.  He contacted his lawyer last night and is going to file ASAP for a custody modification.  We will meet with the lawyer to evaluate our evidence and see how far she thinks we will be able to limit xW's visitation.  (It is currently about 60/40 in H's favor, and I'd love to see supervised visitation, but I don't know what the threshold is for that.)

I compiled a calendar of all of the incidents in the last year that we knew of where xW emotionally traumatized SD12.  It was staggering to see it all laid out in one place, and heartbreaking to realize that these are only the incidents that happened when SD12 was with us ... SD won't talk about what happens at her mom's house.

As we were working on a plan, my sister called.  The kids are with her this week.  xW called SD and upset her enough that my nephew went to get my sister.  My sister listened to the phone call, holding SD's hand, and said the level of emotional abuse was traumatizing for my sister to hear, and that SD cried for a long time after she hung up.   SD told my sister sometimes she never wants to see her mom again, and then SD texted my H and told him she doesn't want to have any more calls with her mom unless it is supervised by another adult, because otherwise she feels too overwhelmed.

I feel so guilty, because we failed that child.  We left her in that house for years, and even after we brought her here we allowed this to go on for far too long.

SD is scheduled to go to her mom today, for a full week, and H is trying to decide if he is going to comply or not.  The lawyer said he can keep SD home if he feels SD is in imminent harm.  We have no way of knowing how bad the emotional abuse will be, but we both think it is going to be pretty severe, for at least part of the time that SD is there.  
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worriedStepmom
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« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2019, 08:41:55 PM »

xW called CPS on herself today and told them that H thinks she's a bad mom for sending SD cat memes and for worrying about how SD is doing.  She said that CPS "cleared" her.  We laughed so hard when we read her page-long description of the conversation.

She ended with a paragraph of really gross insults about H's parents.  H decided to keep SD with us this weekend, as he was concerned that she would repeat all of this to SD (because that's what xW does when she's dysregulated).  SD said she was relieved because she didn't want to go to her mom's after last night.

We are a little shocked that xW's only real response was to call the cops in her county (so no one came to visit us) and to ask H when the next court date is.  She mentioned that she has 5 police case numbers for H's bad behavior.  She is going to look like a fool in court if she presents those. 

We have an appointment with H's lawyer on Monday.  We are going to ask for a restraining order keeping xW from contacting us in any way except through the app, and to keep her off of our property.  H wants any phone calls between xW and SD to be supervised, and we still can't decide what to ask for in terms of visitation time for xW. 

If xW remains calm to us and SD this weekend, then H will probably allow her to have SD next week for her scheduled summer visitation. 
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mart555
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« Reply #2 on: July 13, 2019, 01:14:25 PM »

argh that was difficult to read. So many similarities with what I am going through.   Block visitation time and you look bad in court..  don't block them and you feel guilty.  It's not "immediate physical danger" but on this forum we all know damn well the emotional damage that can be done.

I did a calendar as well... it did hurt when I saw everything that the kids went through.  It's no wonder they are distancing themselves. 

The fact that you feel guilty gives me energy for what I'll have to go through.  I don't want to fail my kids.  And if I do, it won't be because I haven't tried.   You guys seem to be doing all you can, or maybe H is willing to do more now because the last of the fog cleared up.. 
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worriedStepmom
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« Reply #3 on: July 15, 2019, 09:05:32 AM »

mart1555, you are doing the right thing to nip this in the bud so early. I wish we had.

SD had been completely unwilling to tell us any of what goes on at mom's (I'm fairly sure mom has cautioned her not to do that).  She asked H about some statements that her mom made last week, and he told her honestly "mom thinks if she gets an apartment then you will go back to live with her on the old schedule."  SD looked absolutely terrified, and then she started giving us details about how she feels at mom's and the kinds of things her mom says to her.  It was so much worse than we thought was happening.  I'm going to reread Understanding the Borderline Mother and see if it sounds like her mom is transitioning away from waif.
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mart555
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« Reply #4 on: July 15, 2019, 09:42:34 AM »

he told her honestly "mom thinks if she gets an apartment then you will go back to live with her on the old schedule."  SD looked absolutely terrified, and then she started giving us details about how she feels at mom's and the kinds of things her mom says to her.  It was so much worse than we thought was happening.  I'm going to reread Understanding the Borderline Mother and see if it sounds like her mom is transitioning away from waif.
It's good that she opened up but I find it a bit hard sometimes when they do, you realise what these small creatures go through and it's hard. 

I have to say even though I know that nipping it in the bud is the way to go it makes me feel a bit guilty of taking the kids away from her, I guess I still have a bit of "fog" in me because I know that it's better for the kids.  Maybe it's because of BPD that she really believes that she is the best parent and she feels like she has to save the kids from me so I feel guilty of crushing that dream?     I can't grasp how she cannot realise that by pushing for having the kids as much as possible she'll end up killing whatever relationship she has with them and once they are old enough they may opt to cut all contacts with her.  Why can't she focus on quality instead of quantity? It's the only way the visits end well and that she can hopefully stay in their lives for years to come.   I know what will be coming up in the next few weeks: "My client has weekly DBT treatments and is on the road for full recovery, and she hasn't had any relapse in the last 3 weeks".  I'm sorry but that's not enough.  There will be a relapse. It sucks but that's the way it is. And kids deserve a safe place to live.   They don't even want to read her messages because they feel "icky" every time, even if the messages are nice.  It's quite the Pavlov response they have...

I haven't found that book super useful but maybe I should read it again.  My ex seems to be the waif type as well, but I've noticed that fatigue really worsen the symptoms (ie: makes it so that she cannot hide what's inside her).
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worriedStepmom
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« Reply #5 on: July 15, 2019, 02:47:09 PM »

And...lawyer is preparing to file emergency orders for supervised visitation for uBPDmom, approximately 12 hours per month.  L said sometimes this shocks the person enough that they behave themselves. We told her that was unlikely in this case; her good behavior lasts at most about 6 weeks.

It's hard.  It's so hard to see it all written down in black and white.
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Panda39
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« Reply #6 on: July 15, 2019, 04:27:34 PM »

worriedStepmom,

Sometimes we just don't know what we don't know, and we can only make decisions based on what we know.  Don't beat yourself up, you are doing what is best for your SD right now and that's what matters.

Good luck with your emergency motion 

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
mart555
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« Reply #7 on: July 15, 2019, 09:54:39 PM »

And...lawyer is preparing to file emergency orders for supervised visitation for uBPDmom, approximately 12 hours per month.  L said sometimes this shocks the person enough that they behave themselves. We told her that was unlikely in this case; her good behavior lasts at most about 6 weeks.

It's hard.  It's so hard to see it all written down in black and white.
Hmmm... 6 weeks.. that sounds familiar.  Seems like mine does the same.  And yes, it's hard to see it written down. 

Good luck with the emergency orders but it does indeed seem like the way to go
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #8 on: July 19, 2019, 06:56:55 PM »

And in the meantime, an old saying...

Sometimes it is better to seek permission later rather than wait for permission.

Is there is any professional who can substantiate or support the need for that change?  If not, the judge may be inclined to have an in camera visit with SD12.  My son had an in camera visit with the magistrate and GAL.  Nothing was ever detailed from their discussion, well, except that son was relaxed when I was mentioned but not when his mother was mentioned.
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worriedStepmom
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« Reply #9 on: July 19, 2019, 07:16:09 PM »

SD's therapist reluctantly agreed to testify if necessary.  He prefers not to be involved in court proceedings because it can strain his relationship with the child.  I think we have enough evidence from uBPdmom's own writings.

On therapist's advice, we showed SD a few options of custody schedules and asked her to tell us what she liked and did not like about each one (but not to choose).  She had a visceral reaction to the idea of supervised visitation, so H isn't going to push it.  Instead, he's asking for what amounts to about 50 unsupervised days a year for mom to see SD, but only 8 hours a day, and no more than 2 days in a row.  After she got over her initial shock, SD loved the idea of no overnights with mom - she said that she can handle the bad days if she knows she can leave later that day and come to our house.

We are switching the venue to the county where we now live, and that judge doesn't like talking to kids directly.  It is more likely that he will order that SD get an amicus attorney, and then he'll accept whatever the amicus recommends.  I am really hoping that if this happens the amicus orders supervised visitation, and then we can blame it on him/her.

uBPDmom filed an enforcement against H for withholding SD last weekend, so we will end up in court a lot over the next few months.  I don't think it will result in more than a scolding for H, if that.
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ForeverDad
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You can't reason with the Voice of Unreason...


« Reply #10 on: July 19, 2019, 08:13:19 PM »

My memory failed me, here is what I meant...

Sometimes it is better to seek forgiveness later rather than wait for permission.
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GaGrl
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« Reply #11 on: July 19, 2019, 09:23:22 PM »

I like the idea of DR had by her own advocate. It would be important for the advocate to have access to the therapist, which would take care of T's concern.

Yes, lots of time in court to look forward to...sigh.
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"...what's past is prologue; what to come,
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« Reply #12 on: July 21, 2019, 03:23:38 AM »

Don't feel bad. This all works so slowly. And if you act too soon, you lack evidence. I hope it works out well. 12 is still young.
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livednlearned
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« Reply #13 on: July 21, 2019, 10:25:43 AM »

I like the idea of DR had by her own advocate. It would be important for the advocate to have access to the therapist, which would take care of T's concern.

That's sort of what happened in our case.

The therapist would not testify in order to preserve the therapeutic relationship with the child.

Our PC regularly consulted with the therapist, and it was the PC who testified.
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