Relationship nearly over but how do you leave when you have a baby

[Catan]

Hi there,
I am thankful I came across this forum.  It has been a goldmine of a lot of useful information and guidance.  It has already helped me a lot.

I wanted to get some guidance on potentially leaving a partner (my bfriend has indiagnosed BPD) when there is a young baby involved.  It doesn't seem right to go down the "no contact" route in this situation, he is the father of my child after all.  How do you do it with minimal impact on the baby.  Whenever I have talked about separation, he is quick to start the threats (he will take me to court, try and take my daughter off me etc).

It has been really tough being a first time Mum and then having my BPD partner criticise, and undermine me with what ever I do (e.g. nappy changes, what our daughter wears, how messy the place gets).  It feels like his family are completely unaware of his condition (his BPD is undiagnosed) and are actually supporting and fueling him behind the scenes too, and painted a picture of me being the one with the mental health issues.  This is despite the health professionals saying that I am coping well.   It has been really distressing at times dealing with their false accusations, lies etc from my partner and his family.   

Is it common for BPD to essentially recruit others (whether it is family or friends) to support their view of the world or situation?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[AskingWhy]

I am so sorry no one has replied to you.  

Deciding whether to stay or leave is a very personal matter, but your safety and the safety of your baby is paramount.

There is a very good book to help you made a decision.  It is called, "Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved," by Lundy Bancroft.  

There is also a book on separating from a uBPD partner (undiagnosed) called, "Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder."

Both books can easily be bought online.

They are important reads and essential for anyone with a predicament to stay or leave an abusive R/S.

Threats to partners (of consequences such as leaving/divorce or other forms of emotional blackmail) are common with pwBPD.

Your mentioning "recruiting others" is called "triangulation" or the "Karpman triangle."  It is a common tactic of BPDs to try to enlist others against their "target of blame."  pwBPD or NPD try to enlist others into their game of character assassination once their partner is split black and devalued. 

It is also common for  those with BPD to be codependent with others, including family members and friends.  This is because of the splitting, or "Jekyll/Hyde" aspect of the illness.  BPDs are true chameleons, able to show a different face depending on the person being encountered.  (This is also true with NPD.  BPDs often have many NPD traits.)  This is why neighbors, family and friends are unaware of how abusive a BPD partner can be.

https://bpdfamily.com/content/karpman-drama-triangle

Be well and keep reading to gain knowledge so you can make the wisest decisions.

Hugs.  

[Gemsforeyes]

Dear Catan-

I would like to welcome you to our community and am really glad that you’re finding the information here helpful.  It has been amazingly helpful to me as well.

I’d like to congratulate you on the birth of your child, and at the same time express sorrow that you’re facing such pain and difficulties with your uBPD partner.  That’s a very confusing mix of emotions, no doubt.

I’m wondering if you’ve had the chance to look through the relationship tools, more specifically the communication tools.  These can assist with reducing conflict, learning validation, and most important to start- learning NOT to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain).

PwBPD or BPD traits seem extremely tuned into “defensive” talk and explanations and do NOT like that... nor do “normal” people.  So learning to communicate without JADEing will serve you well in all areas of your life.  And... whether you stay or leave, it’s likely you’ll have to co-parent in some way, shape or form - so developing non-combative skills WILL help you.

It’s important for you to have emotional support from people who know and love you.  Please try and do what you can to gather up YOUR friends and family and Let them know what’s happening.  No secrets.  Isolation is NOT a good thing, especially for a new mom.

And yes, as Asking Why confirms, it is common for pwBPD to “recruit” others to support their views (however skewed those views may be).  To pwBPD, “FEELINGS equal FACTS” ... so they have a tendency to alter the narrative  (sometimes lie) to fit into how they feel.  Just because you hear this hogwash does NOT make it true!  You KNOW who you are, you know what you see and you KNOW where the truth is.  It doesn’t mean you’ve got to Argue it out.  It DOES mean you should NOT question reality.

Please keep posting, Catan.  We’re here to help you through this in any way we can.

This is a safe space for you to discuss anything you need or want to say.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

[Catan]

Thank you so much for both of your responses.  I will definitely look into getting those books. 

For those people who have never experienced an abusive uBPD relationship - it's hard for them to see why you would stay.  My family has been incredibly supportive, however they are starting to lose patience.  Their advice has been clear - they can not see why I would want to stay with someone who criticises, undermines and calls be horrific names on daily basis. 

As I've become more assertive, setting boundaries and enforcing them things have actually got worse.   My partner sees me as the "devil" and sees me as the cause of all is unhappiness.  Yet, he wont even consider an amicable separation.  Can someone who has been devalued so much, be reversed? 

My partner is also projecting.  Everything that I have talked to him in the past, he is now saying about me - that I am unstable, that I have intense mood swings...using offensive names, calling me a lunatic etc.  He is saying to our joint friends that I have been abusing him (I'm not, I'm enforcing boundaries) and they shouldn't see me as I am mentally ill.   The two friends that have confided in me, said they were shocked and alarmed that he could be spreading the most awful lies about me.  They are even more shocked that I am still with him.
 
I feel I am at the point, that if I do not leave him, then I'm going to lose some good friendships and my family will find it hard to even talk to me. That is surely not healthy!  I also need to think about the future of our son.

Its hard to figure out when is enough.  Why am I finding this so hard!  Why do I have so much compassion/empathy for my partner when he treats me so poorly.

Why am I struggling so hard to find the strength to break off UBPD partner when he is being so nasty to me?   He refuses to acknowledge that he has any issues, and just saying that our relationship challenges are all my fault.