Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
March 29, 2024, 04:18:25 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Kells76, Once Removed, Turkish
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, EyesUp, SinisterComplex
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Experts share their discoveries [video]
100
Caretaking - What is it all about?
Margalis Fjelstad, PhD
Blame - why we do it?
Brené Brown, PhD
Family dynamics matter.
Alan Fruzzetti, PhD
A perspective on BPD
Ivan Spielberg, PhD
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Now feeling straight-up hate  (Read 796 times)
Caco Canepa
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 55


« on: July 15, 2019, 01:46:05 PM »

Hi There —

A few months ago I passed the one-year mark since my separation from my uBPDw. We almost have the parenting agreement finished, have figured out the property division. A couple of months ago, I posted that I was feeling waves of anger about how she'd treated me during our years together, after she split on me. Now I am feeling waves of straight-up hatred for her, and am wondering what to do with these emotions.

Actually, since I was a child, I've always felt confused about the distinction between anger and hatred. Which probably let to me becoming co-depending — I didn't want someone to hate me, so I'd do what I could to avoid making them angry. I would suppress my own emotions of anger for so long, that i think I stunted my ability to express myself. I think I'd gotten to a point where I assumed that, if someone is angry at me, they also hate me. And maybe to the point where, if someone has made me mad, I have to hate them?

I think I can make the disctinction in most places. But I'm wondering — is what I'm feeling really hate? Is it aimed at me or at the person who I allowed to wrong me? Is hatred useful? Is this like my emotional immune system finally flexing its muscles?

Conventional wisdom says that harboring hate and grudges can only eat at you and corrode you from the inside. I'm not sure if I buy that. I'm finding that anger is sustaining me. My hatred for my ex is coexisting with my growing love for myself.

And then if I think about it too long, the logic folds in on itself. Anyone have any thoughts on this?  CC
Logged
once removed
BOARD ADMINISTRATOR
**
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 12608



« Reply #1 on: July 15, 2019, 10:26:58 PM »

Excerpt
I'm finding that anger is sustaining me. My hatred for my ex is coexisting with my growing love for myself.

in what sense?

when you feel the hatred (or anger), what did she do that comes up?
Logged

     and I think it's gonna be all right; yeah; the worst is over now; the mornin' sun is shinin' like a red rubber ball…
Caco Canepa
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 55


« Reply #2 on: July 16, 2019, 05:28:29 AM »

That's really interesting to delve into. I've sat with this question, and this is what I'm coming up with:

The anger/hate really comes up when I feel invalidated, not listened to, when I feel that I'm being seen as irrelevant to our daughter's life. (We're co-parenting a 3YO, and are close to reaching a 50/50 agreement). If we didn't have a child together, I wouldn't have anything to do with this person. But right now, until we have an enforceable legal agreement in place, she's calling the shots a lot more, and I feel powerless at times, and without agency in a very important facet of my life.

I also feel intense waves of anger when I look back at past events — hurtful words, violations of my personal, social and financial boundaries, and even physical mistreatment. When she attacked me, I called police and was instead taken to jail myself and charged with abuse. (Charges were dropped). The anger has been like a time bomb with me — it really surprised me when it came up a few months ago. I've been in therapy/counseling and have generally been feeling better and more at peace with myself, and doing deep work into what caused me to accept this behavior.

As the co-dependent in a relationship with a uBPD, I didn't recognize for a long time that her behavior toward me was actual abuse. I also know that it's generally useless to get a pwBPD to admit that they've been abusive, that their behavior was wrong, or to get an apology. I thought that I had an opening for an apology when my ex wrote me an email telling me she "hoped (I) could just move past, and forgive and forget."  

"Just curious — what would you like to be forgiven for?"

A few weeks passed, and then her only response to that was — "Actually, I don't think there's anything I need to be forgiven for. I'm sure you have a long list of complaints. You always did. You're the one with the hangups about the past. I'm perfectly at peace and happy with my life now that you're out of it."

And so there it is — projection, a refusal to look at oneself, etc.

I recognize that much of my anger is at myself for letting her treat me as she did and not setting boundaries. But also — the fact that there is a human out in the world who has invalidated and humiliated me in such a very personal way really brings out my sense of outrage. I want the world to punish her. I want Karma to strike her down and make her suffer. I want some sort of justice.

I'm re-establishing my life, and my friends and family have been awesome and supportive. I have a great lawyer who helps me set and enforce my boundaries and parental rights. But yes — Maybe my hate/anger comes from how this one person still makes me feel powerless and small.
Logged
toomanydogs
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Living Apart
Posts: 561



« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2019, 07:27:13 AM »

Hey CC,
   This is a really fascinating thread. Like you, I struggled with the distinction between anger and hate for many years (primarily in my 20s), and I was so frantic not to be hated, not to be abandoned that I'd make sure I wouldn't do anything that would cause someone to be angry with me. (Hate me)
   After years and years of therapy, I am comfortable with my anger, and I see a distinction between hating someone and being angry with them. I also (after years and years of therapy) am rarely angry with myself. I tend to look at situations and figure maybe I didn't stand up for myself or maybe I let someone be really awful to me, and then I step back, analyze where I missed the mark and take corrective action.
  I agree with you about anger sustaining you. In order for me to have survived these past two years of the never-ending divorce, I've tapped into my anger in order to navigate settlement offers, a hideous in-law situation, and simply being left by my STBX.
  For me, if I'd stayed with feeling sad (and I felt sad for long long time), I would have been unable to move forward. For me, the anger propels me out of an unacceptable situation.
  For me, anger is the recognition that someone stepped all over me, or (to use the current vernacular) violated my boundaries.
  Anger is different than hate. When I'm angry, I'm not thinking that I need to never see the person again. If I hate someone, it doesn't matter what they say to me, try to do to me. They can't get in. Anger, at least for me, is an attempt to right a situation, to fix it.
  Silly example, but... My moniker is Too Many Dogs because I have too many dogs. Duh. And the latest one I adopted would try the patience of Job. Never had a dog like this. (Fodder for an additional post) I get angry with this dog as there's not a thing he won't chew and destroy, but (again for me, for who I am), returning him to the shelter isn't a possibility. He's my responsibility, so I feel angry, then I work with him some more and ask God to make this particular dog grow out of his puppy behavior like yesterday.
  If I hated the dog, I would return him. I wouldn't keep him in my life.
  Fascinating thread. Hope I didn't co-opt it. I'm sorry your wife did what she did. I'm sorry you got hurt, and I'm happy that you seem to be on your way to healing from all of it.   
TMD
Logged

Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world... Einstein
Euler2718
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 194


« Reply #4 on: July 16, 2019, 07:38:32 AM »

I bet your therapist will tell you that hate or anger won't be so dominant in your life. After awhile it will dissipate. How long who knows, but knowing it has a time limit will help.

I'm still a bit ticked, but I sleep pretty well and I sleep alone. I'm the sole parent for the child inside and for now (or forever) it's enough.
Logged
OutOfEgypt
*******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: married
Posts: 1056



« Reply #5 on: July 16, 2019, 09:51:24 AM »

Hi CC,

I can definitely empathize with you... even with some of the finer details like being arrested for "abuse" (I think mine was Domestic A/B), which is was a complete joke.  I can also identify with how easily my ex would make me feel "powerless and small."  What a horrible game they play and try to suck us into.

I'm seven years out from divorcing my BPD ex wife.  I'm happily remarried.  That said, there was a time when the anger (and even the burning, brooding hatred) sustained me.  There was a time that it was useful in preventing me from slipping back under her spell, when I was quick to forget how things were, when I was quick to play her games like "who is the stronger person".  But there was also a time where that consuming fire became a detriment to my new relationship.  My new wife kinda didn't like that I was so angry, as that anger bled into other areas of life, and as that anger toward my ex would consume me (and therefore my new marriage).  Understandably, that meant some changes needed to take place, which were good changes (including some firm boundaries and no direct contact with me about our shared children).

What has happened over the past few years is that my anger has been settling into "conviction", if we can call it that... like a resolve about things that has come with time and growth apart from my ex.

Anyway, I get where you are at.  I totally get it.  Try not to worry too much about feeling weak and powerless.  That's her game.  She does that because she won't allow herself to ever feel weak or powerless, so she has to be in control, has to put people (you) down.  Her destructiveness will come back upon her own head.  She will reap what she has sown.  Just try not to get sucked into it.  You have nothing to prove to her.  She's the one with the insecurity that needs to try to demonstrate some weird kind of dominance.  I remember my ex would do and say things that are really hurtful and manipulative and then put me down for being "insecure" or "competitive."  It's a game.  That's all it is.  You don't have to play it.

And try not to worry about how she tries to make herself look.  In time, it will show.  He destructiveness will show and it will wreck every relationship she has.

Stay the course, my friend, and keep going.  It gets better.  I pray that your anger settles into deep resolve and conviction and does not fester into bitterness.  I also pray that you can get through and past getting angry with yourself about being used and taken advantage of by her.  She's not worth it.  Like me, you did what you thought you needed to do to survive and do what is best.  What is she doing other than looking out for herself and trying to cast shade on you because you are a threat to her false image?  Nothing.  Nothing at all.

Logged
Starfire
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 84


« Reply #6 on: July 16, 2019, 03:21:00 PM »

Following with interest.  My BPD ex was the one who experienced confusion between anger and hate.  Or seemed to.  He expressed as much many times when I was angry with him as well as one time when I was angry with my son.  He couldn't seem to understand that it's still possible to love someone even when you aren't pleased with their behavior.

As for feeling hate myself, I never did, although there was time in the first few months after no contact that I felt deeply disgusted.  I would literally have a physical reaction (shivers and even gagging) as if I had seen or smelled something gross.  I didn't realize I had the capacity to feel that towards a person.  It passed with time.
Logged
Longterm
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #7 on: July 16, 2019, 06:53:07 PM »

I was filled with so much anger over the weekend that it scared me, I was physically shaking, was having palpitations and could not sleep.

Your thread has made me think about the difference between anger and hatred.

All of us here understand how difficult these situations are, how much we are hurt and the feelings that come with it.

Thank you for sharing.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #8 on: July 20, 2019, 05:54:57 PM »

You’re in a tight place Caco Canepa. Your feelings are hardcore. Yeah? I know that you don’t want to hear this, but you’re going to have those feelings for a while. It’s part of it and it sucks. It doesn’t make sense, but it’s necessary in letting go.

I know exactly how you feel when you describe being irrelevant to your child’s life. Try to cool your jets. Don’t react to mom, simply respond. Don’t argue, don’t defend. None of that. I was angry at myself for the way that I handled things, but you are ready to handle your situation.

Ourselves.  The only thing we have control over. We can be pissed off for a couple years knowing that being pissed off wont change a thing, or we can get sick of that feeling and truly turn to our peers and be happier this time next year.

What do you think?



« Last Edit: July 20, 2019, 06:02:35 PM by JNChell » Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
40days_in_desert
***
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 245



« Reply #9 on: July 20, 2019, 08:26:05 PM »

Anger in itself is not always a bad thing. It's natural to feel anger when appropriate. It can actually be a motivator.
For example: A few years ago my ex told our two oldest daughters that I would frequently have prostitutes in my room when I traveled for work. Aside from this not being true, I was angry that she would do harm to our daughters by telling them something like that. It was the last straw that motivated me to have my L file a pendente lite order (divorce wasn't final at that point) that disallowed either parent from bad mouthing the other in front of the children. This of course didn't completely stop her but it ratcheted down quite a bit after that. If I were not angry about what she did I might not have taken that course. The healthy vs unhealthy part comes in the form of your response to the anger. If I responded by calling her and yelling and telling her how abusive she is by telling our daughters what she did, my response wouldn't have been healthy for all involved. Understandable but not healthy. Anger can also eat away at you internally if you aren't the type to act out on your anger.
Anger can turn into hatred where you begin to feel contempt for the person with whom you're angry. This sounds a little philosophical but you can be angry at a choice someone made and address it in a healthy way but not hate the person themselves and be healthy. Hatred for your ex isn't healthy for you because it allows her to still have some control over your life and choices that you make. I'm not saying that you should already be there but rather a goal to reach. Take back that control that you have allowed her to have. A good T and good/healthy friendships that will speak the truth to you in a kind and healthy way is a good start. Time is the most important factor that can't be rushed. Everyone heals in their own way and time frame.
I understand completely where you are right now. I struggled with some of the same emotions at one time. 
Logged

“A rogue does not laugh in the same way that an honest man does; a hypocrite does not shed the tears of a man of good faith. All falsehood is a mask; and however well made the mask may be, with a little attention we may always succeed in distinguishing it from the true face.”
― Alexandre Dumas
Caco Canepa
**
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 55


« Reply #10 on: July 23, 2019, 08:43:12 AM »

I really appreciate all of you sharing your own experiences with this. I can't stress enough how affirming it feels to know I'm not alone in this — I have a lot of shame around feeling and expressing my stronger negative emotions.

And the reaffirmation to use the emotion as a catalyst/motivator for positive action has been invaluable. The feelings of rage have subsided a lot lately. It's good to identify what brings them up in me — the powerlessness. And I can take power back by slowing down time and calculating my responses.
Logged
JNChell
a.k.a. "WTL"
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Dissolved
Posts: 3520



« Reply #11 on: July 23, 2019, 08:59:31 AM »

Shame is unfortunately a big one. I can say this with confidence, that feeling was instilled in us when we were vulnerable. We’re not bad people, we were conditioned to feel that way for having emotions like anger when we were not happy with our surroundings, questioning things because our intuition told us to, etc. That shame is not your voice. That shame belongs to someone else. When it surfaces, sit with it. Explore it, then tell it to go away because that shame isn’t your reality. It belongs to someone else. Hope that makes sense.
Logged

“Adversity can destroy you, or become your best seller.”
-a new friend
Longterm
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorce in progress
Posts: 580



« Reply #12 on: July 23, 2019, 07:31:54 PM »

The feelings of rage have subsided a lot lately.

They will come and go Caco Canepa, accepting that will make things a little easier for you.

As JNChell says, sit with it and explore it. You may find some clarity.

LT.
Logged

It is, was, and always will be, all about her.
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2024?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2023 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
AskingWhy
At Bay
Cat Familiar
CoherentMoose
drained1996
EZEarache
Flora and Fauna
ForeverDad
Gemsforeyes
Goldcrest
Harri
healthfreedom4s
hope2727
khibomsis
Lemon Squeezy
Memorial Donation (4)
Methos
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
P.F.Change
Penumbra66
Red22
Rev
SamwizeGamgee
Skip
Swimmy55
Tartan Pants
Turkish
whirlpoollife



Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!