Messages from the ex again

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi guys,

I have had ubpdh stbx blocked on my message app since Oct. Recently, I made a social media page (he took over our joint page, and I just stayed off social media altogether) and that opened the door for him to get a couple messages in to me before I blocked him again. He has made a page in our three-year-old son's name, in addition to the page that still has both our names on it.

The messages are rambling, rife with FOG, and confirm that he is, or at least has, used drugs again.

Example:

"I would just like to see S3. I don't care if you're seeing anyone or not, but of course biyh fell in love with me supposed so there is your judgement ratio right? I got fired because of heat exhausting again. told them I was going bro see Dr and did, he said I couldn't leave til 11 and itvwasb930 in morning, so I guess you've already heard I want to get an out of state lawyer for this considering your family riddles (our city) government. why did you pick me of all people? cause i'm weird or for the fact of what, i hurt emotional everyday over you and the kids. ANd yes I shared s3's pic. I would any one of them. People in AA ask about them, don't nothing but the government is basically blackmailing me for information. oh yeah, whatever paperwork you said you said well dig this, you don't have to come back around me, but it hurts and no I've tried leaving to go to mom's and can't and if I say something about getting the FBI involved cerain people issues bwith that..."

the typos are his. It's how I know he is messed up, he doesn't message like that unless he is.

Another excerpt:

"I'm beginning to understand my mind was like a child in some areas and still is so yes, basically between (mental health provider) and you, you pushed an immature person out into the world to fend for himself, would you think S7 would be a good adult now? It's one of the sorriest things to do to a person, and yes, it's textbook abondonment...I wasn't using until you left the last time..."


I was triggered at first when I read these things. I have had a chance to step back from it and see it for what it is, and I do not feel the need to respond. I was slightly tempted to feel the old familiar guilt, especially because I went no contact and he has not seen the kids. But he has had a chance to file for a custody hearing and he did not. Also, I have confirmation that he has been using again. When he says "using" and he starts in with the FBI crap, I know it's meth. So no, I do not feel guilty that he isn't seeing his kids. No, I do not feel like it's my fault that he started using again. He had other choices, but these are the ones he made.

But I still feel that I should have already filed for divorce. I can JADE a little on that and say that I have not had the financial resources. Well, I have, but there are so many things I have to take care of. Moving expenses took most of my savings. I got them built back up, but there were car maintenance expenses, household expenses, I have to buy another couple of air units because my landlord only provides one and the house is not as comfortable for my kids in the back rooms as I would like, I have to get school supplies for three of the kids, my son needs to get cavities filled and get his checkup and shots and we have no insurance, so I pay for that out of pocket, then I have all my rent/utility/lawn care/wifi/phone/food/gas etc. I'm a single mom working as a waitress. It's hard.

I'm just venting, guys. It makes me feel better to get this stuff out. Thanks for being here.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi guys,

I have had ubpdh stbx blocked on my message app since Oct. Recently, I made a social media page (he took over our joint page, and I just stayed off social media altogether) and that opened the door for him to get a couple messages in to me before I blocked him again. He has made a page in our three-year-old son's name, in addition to the page that still has both our names on it.

The messages are rambling, rife with FOG, and confirm that he is, or at least has, used drugs again.

Example:

"I would just like to see S3. I don't care if you're seeing anyone or not, but of course biyh fell in love with me supposed so there is your judgement ratio right? I got fired because of heat exhausting again. told them I was going bro see Dr and did, he said I couldn't leave til 11 and itvwasb930 in morning, so I guess you've already heard I want to get an out of state lawyer for this considering your family riddles (our city) government. why did you pick me of all people? cause i'm weird or for the fact of what, i hurt emotional everyday over you and the kids. ANd yes I shared s3's pic. I would any one of them. People in AA ask about them, don't nothing but the government is basically blackmailing me for information. oh yeah, whatever paperwork you said you said well dig this, you don't have to come back around me, but it hurts and no I've tried leaving to go to mom's and can't and if I say something about getting the FBI involved cerain people issues bwith that..."

the typos are his. It's how I know he is messed up, he doesn't message like that unless he is.

Another excerpt:

"I'm beginning to understand my mind was like a child in some areas and still is so yes, basically between (mental health provider) and you, you pushed an immature person out into the world to fend for himself, would you think S7 would be a good adult now? It's one of the sorriest things to do to a person, and yes, it's textbook abondonment...I wasn't using until you left the last time..."


I was triggered at first when I read these things. I have had a chance to step back from it and see it for what it is, and I do not feel the need to respond. I was slightly tempted to feel the old familiar guilt, especially because I went no contact and he has not seen the kids. But he has had a chance to file for a custody hearing and he did not. Also, I have confirmation that he has been using again. When he says "using" and he starts in with the FBI crap, I know it's meth. So no, I do not feel guilty that he isn't seeing his kids. No, I do not feel like it's my fault that he started using again. He had other choices, but these are the ones he made.

But I still feel that I should have already filed for divorce. I can JADE a little on that and say that I have not had the financial resources. Well, I have, but there are so many things I have to take care of. Moving expenses took most of my savings. I got them built back up, but there were car maintenance expenses, household expenses, I have to buy another couple of air units because my landlord only provides one and the house is not as comfortable for my kids in the back rooms as I would like, I have to get school supplies for three of the kids, my son needs to get cavities filled and get his checkup and shots and we have no insurance, so I pay for that out of pocket, then I have all my rent/utility/lawn care/wifi/phone/food/gas etc. I'm a single mom working as a waitress. It's hard.

I'm just venting, guys. It makes me feel better to get this stuff out. Thanks for being here.

[Scarlet Phoenix]

Hi Redeemed, his message was hard to follow  I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I like that you took some time, stepped back, and then decided not to answer. Instead of being a persecutor (or rescuer, depending on what you wanted to write), you used wise mind and remained centred. Or said more plainly, you didn't let yourself get dragged into a fight and instead you used both reason and emotions to reach a good decision for you.

But I still feel that I should have already filed for divorce. I can JADE a little on that and say (...)

The reasons you state are good reasons. But since you yourself feel this is JADEing, what do you think the underlying reason is?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Scarlet,

Yes, his messages are very hard to follow. They were actually much longer and filled with more rambling. He is having persecutory delusions and thinks the FBI is threatening me which is why I went NC. Not his repeated abuse of me. He thinks my family has government connections and there's a huge conspiracy to keep him away from his family. He's also blaming me and his former mental health providers for not helping him. Never mind that he refused inpatient treatment, medication, and counseling altogether eventually.

He has severe enough mental issues that using drugs just pushes him into full psychosis.

If I look at the real reason I haven't yet filed for divorce, there are two reasons. One is that I preferred to spend money that would enable me to have more time with my kids (car, house, furnishings, booster seats, air conditioning so they are comfortable, etc.) I chose to do that first, because still being married to him is not affecting me in any way right now.

The other reason is because I have anxiety over the divorce and the possibility that he will get visitation and I will have to deal with him. The longer I am away from the relationship, the more I look back with horror at the things I endured. This man was volatile, violent, deceptive, and had no boundaries when it came to getting what he wanted from me.

Underlying all that is the pressure to end the marriage because he doesn't believe that I actually want to end the relationship, despite nine months if total NC. He calls his mother repeatedly asking her to call me and then she breaks down after about two or three weeks of badgering and asks me to contact him and tell him I don't want to contact him

He invents all sorts of reasons for why he needs to hear from me. He heard I had a baby, he heard I was pregnant again, he heard I got raped. It's all ridiculous.

I read the advice given to others here who have been in abusive relationships but are trying to coparent. I start wondering if that same advice fits my situation, and then I almost buy into the narrative that I am being unfair by not making legal provisions for visitation. Then I remember that he is still using, still paranoid, still barely off the streets, and likely still has the propensity for violence.

I'm just struggling with my anxiety and trying to analyze if my decisions are based on fear or on what is sensible.

[Cat Familiar]

You've had a lot on your plate with getting your own place to live and being able to see your children more regularly. It took me two years to even start divorce proceedings with my ex. I had a mom with worsening dementia that I had to move nearby and a business that previously I was running with my ex--so there were things I had to get settled before I was ready to commence diving into a divorce.

So, no need to criticize yourself. Life happens and we've got stuff to deal with. Once you feel more settled, then you can begin the legal matters.

And I think it's good to get distance from a dysfunctional relationship such as you and I both endured before you even start a divorce. That way we see things very clearly without the FOG.

My ex became very irrational after I left. I wasn't certain whether he was worse or that he'd always been like that and I just didn't notice because I was too busy dealing with all the chaos he created every waking minute.

Years, I mean at least 10 years later, it dawned on me that he and his new girlfriend had been doing meth. I'd never been around that scene, so all the clues didn't add up--until they finally did.

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks, Cat, that makes me feel better

I guess I just am not sure how long the NC should go on, how it is affecting the future where we may have to communicate about the kids, and whether it will ever get to a point where I can even communicate with him. He's been using drugs off and on for about thirty years.

I hope I can get therapy started again in August. I applied for Medicaid and hope it's approved. If not, there is a sliding scale but it will cost some Mon. Also, I am hoping to get s3 in preschool (more money) and he needs his shots updated (money).

I do know that I am not ready for contact now.

[Longterm]

I guess I just am not sure how long the NC should go on, how it is affecting the future where we may have to communicate about the kids, and whether it will ever get to a point where I can even communicate with him. He's been using drugs off and on for about thirty years.

I hope I can get therapy started again in August. I applied for Medicaid and hope it's approved. If not, there is a sliding scale but it will cost some Mon. Also, I am hoping to get s3 in preschool (more money) and he needs his shots updated (money).

I do know that I am not ready for contact now.

Hi IAR.

It sounds like anticipated contact at some point is increasing your levels of anxiety, i can relate to that and its not a nice feeling.

I think you maybe answered your own question regarding NC, there is no set amount of time i guess but if your not ready right now then your not ready, and thats fine.

I would leave the divorce alone right now, it sounds lime you need money for other things. You are doing a great job and the kids will benefit 

[I Am Redeemed]

Thanks, Longterm,

I guess I also fear judgment. I stayed in an abusive relationship for so long. I lost custody of my five oldest kids because of it. I'm at a point now where they are coming to stay with me overnight at least once a week, possibly a whole week before school starts. But I will need to hire a family attorney at some point (money) to get a court order specifying my visitation, mainly because it is at my sister's discretion right now and she is using it to punish the kids for minor infractions. Actually, just D10.5, and I don't think it's fair to her to be denied visitation with me as a punishment. It is the thing that hurts her most. It's also upsetting D12.

Anyway, I am afraid that I will be judged for not filing for divorce. Poor self image, low self esteem, prior experience being judged for decisions I made, etc.

Maybe I should just not worry about that, as it hasn't happened yet. I'm getting out the crystal ball and predicting gloom and doom

[LoveOnTheRocks]

I am many years out of my abusive relationship with uBPD BF of 8 years.  Got pregnant, literally, the very last time I saw him.  Learning I was to have his child helped me stay NC.  After giving birth, he came to see the baby and while holding a bottle in the 2wk old infants mouth, he raged at me so bad that bottle flew and baby almost fell off sofa.  My decision was made, no more contact. I knew this man would never be there for the kid...would miss birthdays and Christmas, fail to show up like a parent should...so my decision was made, I told him and his family, was called terrible names, but they did not use their resources (money) to fight me.

When I got ready, years later, I filed term. of parental rights based on years of no contact (she was almost 3).  He got served several times and never replied to the legal docs.  Sure, he had plenty to say, but he either didn't have his stuff together well enough to get a lawyer, or it really wasn't that important to him.  Either way, I KNOW I saved a child a lot of heartbreak and pain. I met my now husband when she was 2 and while we TRP'd bio dad's rights, my now husband also adopted her.  He raised her and we are still a family.  She has BPD and it's a mess, of course, but that's not what this discussion is about.

After reading your posts, I think you should be NC and so should your kids...unless and until he forces your legal hand.  You need to save money now to be prepared and able to fight this custody thing when it does come up (no guarantees it wont).  If it were me, I would file for legal separation and let that ride...when I could, only because if you are still married to him, his actions now could possibly affect you as his married spouse.  I dont know the laws in your state, but in my state, that is the case...his debts are mine (even if I were to separate).  I am not divorcing my husband, but do know the laws.

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi LOTR,

I'm so sorry for what you have been through. I've read your posts about your daughter as well, and you are an incredibly strong woman.   Thanks for venturing over here to support me! It means a lot.

I am not sure what it would cost to file legal separation, but I am thinking it would cost about the same for divorce. I got a referral to legal services from the DV office, so my lawyer fees will be taken care of. There is just the cost to file, which is around $300. I thought I would be able to do it when I got my financial aid in June from school, but...life, you know? I have so many expenses here and there. I started from basically scratch when I left my h. No savings, no home, no car, just a part-time waitress job. I've come a long way, and I still have a ways to go.

The one thing that I have going for me is that ubpdh stbx will most certainly be on supervised visitation if we do divorce. He had supervised visits already set up with my other kids, who live with my sister (she is their legal guardian) and he canceled two of those visits, so they stopped scheduling them. Of course, now he considers that as part of the "conspiracy theory" and plays the victim in that, too. He's a victim in every circumstance under the sun. His drug use? Victim. Losing his job? Victim. Lost his wife and kids? Victim. Spent all his money and couldn't pay his bills? Victim. Refused mental health services? Victim. Living in a motel? Victim. Can't get visitation with his kids? Victim.

He is extremely low-functioning and does not learn from any consequences. Ever. How can you learn when you make everything someone else's fault?

I guess I just need to put this in God's hands. I am a believer, and faith is very important to me, and when I look back I can see that God has worked wonders in my life and He has never failed me. He has always provided every need that I have. I get overwhelmed when I start looking at things as a whole, so if I break this down into the things I need to spend money on and prioritize them A, B, and C, then focus on the "A" first, "B" second, and so on, maybe I can dial back my anxiety a little. And I feel better about my decision to stay NC for now. That may change in the future, or it may not, but I feel it's the right choice for the time being.

It also helps to know that legal services and the DV advocate will be in my corner at such time as I choose to file. So there's that. I won't be doing it alone. And I can always come here and talk this stuff out with you all

[once removed]

have you contacted him at all to discuss visitation, or to give him a time table?

The other reason is because I have anxiety over the divorce and the possibility that he will get visitation and I will have to deal with him.
...
I lost custody of my five oldest kids

i understand the hesitancy.

I guess you've already heard I want to get an out of state lawyer for this

if he obtains a lawyer and pursues this, they will use the loss of custody and keeping him out of the picture against you, hard, and its not likely to be in your favor.

[Longterm]

I lost custody of my five oldest kids because of it. I'm at a point now where they are coming to stay with me overnight at least once a week, possibly a whole week before school starts.

I read that and the first thing that came to mind is that you should be extremelly proud of yourself, a lot would of given up but you didnt and now the kids are reaping the rewards of your hard work 

[I Am Redeemed]

have you contacted him at all to discuss visitation, or to give him a time table?

i understand the hesitancy.

if he obtains a lawyer and pursues this, they will use the loss of custody and keeping him out of the picture against you, hard, and its not likely to be in your favor.

No, I have not contacted him at all. This was the advice given to me by both the DV office and the legal services, and I have followed it. CPS required me to get a protective order on him, so I did, and when it expired last Dec the DV office said it would be up to me to renew it or not. I tried to contact CPS and they never got back to me. My case was closed (this is a separate case from my other five kids. This case was opened because I called CPS on my ex the day I left because he had S3 and was using meth).

Incidentally, I did let him guilt me into letting him see S3 for a while after he got out of jail. The visits were used by him to gradually apply pressure on me to resume the r/s. This culminated in a series of acting-out behaviors where he took my phone, went through it, threw it at me from the back seat of the van where he was riding with S3, and ended with him (most likely, I don't have proof) disabling my van so I couldn't leave and then spending hours interrogating me about some benign messages on my phone, alternating between raging and breaking down crying. He then proceeded to have sex with me even though I had been clear over and over that I did not want to have sex with anyone, as our last sexual contact had been a year prior when he drugged me with meth to get me to have sex with him. I was paralyzed with fear and I didn't fight back because I was afraid he would attack me. I didn't even know this was a sexual assault until I went to the DV office for help two days later.

He's not talking about getting an out-of-state lawyer to fight me for visitation. He's talking about getting an out-of-state lawyer to "get his wife and kids back". He believes that the state/FBI removed our kids from our custody six years ago because they are trying to extort "information" from him regarding drug smuggling and corruption in this area. He also believes the entire legal system/government agencies here are involved in a conspiracy against him. He now believes the FBI has forced me to go no contact with him and threatened me with prison time if I go back around him. He is having hardcore persecutory delusions where his wife and kids are being kept away from him purposely by the government/FBI/some other mysterious "they" until such time as he gives them the "information" they want, which could put all our lives in danger.

This delusion has persisted for over six years, but it gets wayyyyyyyy worse when he uses meth. And each time he goes on a meth binge, the psychosis gets more severe.

[I Am Redeemed]

I read that and the first thing that came to mind is that you should be extremelly proud of yourself, a lot would of given up but you didnt and now the kids are reaping the rewards of your hard work 

Thank you, Longterm, I feel so much guilt that it took so long. I tried forever to get my ex the help he needs so we could be a family and get custody of our kids back. Looking back, I don't know how I refused to see that his issues were just way too severe for that to ever happen. But I also didn't know that I had C-PTSD, either, and my thinking just was not clear.

We actually had a court date to start getting our kids for overnight visits about two weeks before I left. We missed the court date, however, because he was using meth and didn't get the phone call about court from the lawyer. Then, when he did get the message, he wouldn't call him back because he was paranoid (with good reason, he would have failed a drug test). I was at my wits' end because I knew that even if we went to court, the environment was not healthy for our kids, including my youngest who was living with us. I tried for three weeks to come up with an exit plan (unsuccessfully; I couldn't think straight, was being assaulted about once or twice a week, and I didn't have this group then) and finally I made a desperate break for it. It worked out, but I would never recommend that type of exit to anyone. God had his hand on me, for sure.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Hi again, Redeemed.  Whew!  That's all I can say about the stuff we all go through.  Like you said about me, I think you are SOLID, too!  What a great person and parent...persevere, it will be worth it, for your kid's sake.
In our state, divorces are pay as you go, more or less.  You give a retainer, and as the hours are built up, the retainer is depleted.  So, you might give $x$ and just file the separate maintenance (when you know it's a good time, after lots of prayer and guidance by the Holy Spirit to move on it).  Then, let it ride for as long as you can before proceeding, and needing to put in more money.  I'm not sure what your arrangements are with these folks, but it sounds like they are not nearly as expensive as in our area. 

I, of course, encourage you to do as little exposure to the kids as possible, because the less they experience, the more likely they will develop better.  I see what others are saying about coming down on you, so, here are a few thoughts.
1) Get it all in writing.  Initiate (on purpose) conversations by text message where you ask specific questions and let him do what he does...answer with all this mess.  I would ask things like, are you having any success using the meth less?  Anything incriminating you can get him to answer in honesty is worth having for future use.  So, NC, sure...absolutely...but by text, and for a purpose...smart, in my opinion.
2) If you are going to be smeared for not allowing contact, then until you are court ordered to do this another way, if it were me, I would do what my state does with parents who use drugs or are abusive/neglectful for other reasons.  I have been a guardian ad litem for abused and neglected children in my area for several years.  When my child clients visit their abusive parents, the state has them meet for an hour in a room under supervision.  We (the supervisors of the visit), sit on the other end of a big room, and the parent and child(ren) are at a table across the room.  There are always at least 3 other adults supervising those visits, and we do sit close enough that we can monitor the discussions.  I suspect he isn't financially able to fight you on this, and you can frankly tell him that because of his drug use and lack of taking responsibility for his mental health issues (not seeing a dr. and therapist regularly), as the guardian of these kids, at this time, this is the only way you are comfortable with visitation.  Sure it will be hard to set something like this up with other adults (friends/your attorneys/whomever), but, you know what, your children's mental health and wellbeing are at stake here, in all fairness, and it's warranted. 
To that end, perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to seek a conversation with CPS (child protective services, or whatever they call it in your state).  Tell them (or better yet, show them these texts) what your genuine concerns are, and if they see the need, likely they will open a case file, and all this that I speak of will suddenly not be your issue anymore...THEY will take this on and make these rules for you. It's awful dealing with these folks, but I am planting a seed here for you to take under consideration, and when/if the time comes that you've got to do something, because he is strongly pushing the issue, at least you've gotten this feedback and have some options.  They may not be needed today, but they may be needed in future, as it were.

You need to demonstrate to the court (when the time comes) that he is unfit, due to his various behaviors and issues.  Starting now will document a very long term case of instability (over many months or even years).  So, these texts and or emails, with your well thought out questions, could be significant. 
I am not interested in punishing him.  I am interested in your young children, who aren't developed enough to understand the pertinent facts of this situation, and what's in their best interest NOW.  When they are much older, perhaps they can be armed with good information about him so that they can begin to interact with him then, establishing a more mature relationship, and not be harmed, but be able to understand, the psychological issues at hand. 

These are my thoughts and ideas based on what I think is important overall for younger children and for you (I heard you loud and clear with the not wanting sex and BEING DRUGGED, for heaven's sake!).  Actually, the night my daughter was conceived, I had a choice between being beaten up physically (and my ex broke many bones in my body over those 8 years), or giving in to his desire to have sex and be deluded that we were ok and I loved him and wanted to stay with him.  The fact was, at that time, I would have loved to love him, except he would empty my purse of money all the time, I would wake up in the morning and my car was gone and he would come back 4 days later and be bewildered when I was angry about it...it was terrible...and he beat me like a rag doll if I ever expressed my dissatisfaction about being stolen from and lied to and the whole nine yards.
I gave in and let him have his way with me, but on the inside, I wanted none of it...I wanted to get away from him.  That was the very last night, because I had really gotten "done" with him...and I had finally truly accepted that even though I didn't understand, I knew he could never be reasonable with me...
in complete honesty, it was the amazing intimacy with him and the intense affection he showered on me (when he wasn't controlling me in the bad ways).  I was very young and just couldn't understand...put it all together the right way in my mind...and I had been beaten down for so long that I had no ability to be reasonable with myself any longer.  Lots to unpack with all of that and I don't know why I am talking about it right now...perhaps because I went back there in my mind just sharing about the night our daughter was conceived. 

Anyway, I hope I've shared anything here that might help you?  If not, I appreciate your listening to part of my story...and I know back then, when it was about the relationship, that every day for the longest time, I woke up the same way...a deer in headlights...just stunned literally almost to the point of being unable to formulate a series of necessary thoughts and actions...because my mind was going in circles over it all.  It took me a long time to recover from everything I had experienced, and some things changed me forever...but now, almost two decades later, and married to a nonBPD...just a great guy...I know that more important for me to have answers is my need to be in control of my life and making it positive and a good thing, to the best of my ability...and that's such a great thing to have...the ability to choose...instead of that man choosing how I would feel and what I would feel on any given day...he took my choices from me...but not anymore...and I am thankful to the Lord that He helped me become as much of the old me as I could again!

[I Am Redeemed]

You need to demonstrate to the court (when the time comes) that he is unfit, due to his various behaviors and issues.  Starting now will document a very long term case of instability (over many months or even years).  So, these texts and or emails, with your well thought out questions, could be significant. 

Luckily, his rambling texts say enough without me even having to initiate anything. I also have court records from when I called CPS on him the first time which include the DA ordering a hair follicle test for my son to make sure he didn't have meth in his system from being around my h (he didn't, thank God). I have the option to file for another protection order, and I may do so. In my state, if there has been a history of physical assault, the protection order can be extended to include minor children and the judge usually approves that (my ex also has a long DV charges record).

I will not get CPS involved again, though. My experience with the local CPS here has been absolutely horrendous. It's a very long story, but the experience I had with them when they removed my kids involved lots of stalling on purpose and lying by the caseworkers. The time I called them because he took off with my son while high on meth, it took two days for a caseworker to even show up to the house and by then he had been arrested and my son was back in my care. The caseworker then proceeded to drug test me, put me through a home study and threatened to take my son away if I didn't get a protection order- she treated me as if I was the one under scrutiny when I was the one who made the call out of concern for my son.

 Actually, the night my daughter was conceived, I had a choice between being beaten up physically (and my ex broke many bones in my body over those 8 years), or giving in to his desire to have sex and be deluded that we were ok and I loved him and wanted to stay with him. 

...and I know back then, when it was about the relationship, that every day for the longest time, I woke up the same way...a deer in headlights...just stunned literally almost to the point of being unable to formulate a series of necessary thoughts and actions...because my mind was going in circles over it all. 

Me too.  

I'm so sorry you had to go through that. It does, indeed, take a long time to recover. I am still working on it, but I can tell the difference in me now from me last year. It's a process. I refuse to let it control my life, though. Instead, I will take it and use it for good. Life lessons, hard learned, but valuable all the same.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

  Redeemed, your story and mine certainly have their similarities.  You are a very smart woman, and I know you've got this.  I also know that just because you do doesn't mean it's simple...it plainly isnt!  CPS...I hate it that they are a nightmare in your area.  They tried to open a case on us for abuse, but had nothing but a school person's "concern" over how our child acted.  So, literally for years, they showed up unannounced at my house, interviewed me (I was a total ass to them every time, which probably didn't help, but I was so genuinely insulted over the whole thing).  Even my unruly daughter told them repeatedly that we did not abuse her and we had so many witnesses who were in our lives in one way or another who said they didn't know how my husband and I did so well under the circumstances our child created, as she was a nightmare at home and school, but we didn't touch her or abuse her!  When she turned 18, they sent us a letter telling us they were closing the "inquiry" and that the case was unsubstantiated and they found no evidence of any wrongdoing over the 4 year period they repeatedly did their "welfare" checks. If I wanted to abuse anyone...hmmmmm...
Anyway, I hear some states have pretty good systems, mine isn't one, and clearly yours isn't either.  It's such a shame.  They operate backwards most of the time and I regularly asked them was thinking a part of their normal daily routine, and meant it!

Anyway, you've got my love and support!  I understand your situation.  I am also here to tell you that as to the recovering from their abuses...it goes fast at first and then over the years, you realize along and along that there are still little things that are still traumatic...but life is so much better for me, and I know you will reap the rewards of standing up for yourself and your children, too.  You just hang in there and do you!    LOTR

[I Am Redeemed]

Thank you, LOTR, I'm so glad that you were able to recover from your traumatic situation. It is hard, and I am realizing that even with NC I am still having some unsettling reactions to him.

I listened to my voicemails yesterday and unbeknownst to me he had left me two very long messages. I did have him blocked on my phone, but I am now saving his texts and voicemails for documentation of his instability.

Anyway, I was caught off guard by these messages and they rattled me more than I wanted them to. I actually felt physically ill after listening to them. It surprised me how impacted I was. I thought I had detached enough to not get so triggered, but...C-PTSD

He accused me of lying about him. Denied that he disabled my van and was trying to prevent me from leaving. Accused me of having someone else already lined up which explains why I suddenly went NC. Accused me of having a relationship with him just to meet his drug connections. Accused me of pursuing a r/s with him because of the address on his driver's license (? I don't even know what that is supposed to mean, and he's the one who pursued me, but whatever) and then said that he needs to hear it out of my mouth that I don't want to be with him anymore (we haven't had any contact in over nine months). Then said that if I am the sorry kind of woman to drop him like that because of a new bf he doesn't want to be with me anyway (I am not and have not dated anyone, this is all made up in his head to keep from feeling shame because his abusive behavior pushed me away).

The denial is just unbelievable. The gaslighting. The complete distortion of reality. I know we talk about this kind of stuff everyday on these boards, but... it just hit me in the gut, for whatever reason. It took about an hour or so for me to come back to baseline.

Today is better. He called again. I'm not going to listen to the message. 

[Cat Familiar]

Ugh.   I remember how toxic any contact was with my ex. It’s wise to save and document these attempts to contact you. Is there someone else who could listen to the messages for you so that you wouldn’t have to bathe in that toxic soup?

[I Am Redeemed]

Hi Cat,

I'm sure that one or more of my friends would be willing to do that for me. I don't really think that any of them warrant listening. He's stuck on the same loop and I may just save the message as soon it starts playing so I can have it on record for future purposes.

It doesn't help that my sister is passive-aggressively pressuring me to file for divorce in addition to asking me to help pay for school supplies for three of the kids. I am down to less than $1500 in my account and I start getting nervous when that happens (years of scraping by day to day and literally not knowing somedays how we were going to make it has made me extremely anxious about having savings built up). I'm getting overwhelmed by all the stuff I have going on. Trying to break things down into bite-sized portions and focus on what I can do today.

[Cat Familiar]

And she’s getting how much a month from the state to care for them? 

“Yes, Sis. That’s definitely on my plate once I get my financial ducks in a row.” (Now shut the * up about my business.) 

One thing I didn’t have as a lifelong codependent was a suit of armor for all those unasked for comments and criticisms to bounce off. I’ve been building it piece by piece, but sometimes those arrows still pierce my skin.

I equated “openness” with having no boundaries. Yes, it’s fine to let down the drawbridge with emotionally trustworthy people, but nowadays I’m very selective about that too.

[I Am Redeemed]

And she’s getting how much a month from the state to care for them? 

“Yes, Sis. That’s definitely on my plate once I get my financial ducks in a row.” (Now shut the * up about my business.) 

Yeah...Like $3700...It takes me about three months to make that...

That's kind of what I said to her, but with a lot more Explaining.

[LoveOnTheRocks]

If she can't "scrape by" with $3,700.00 a month, then perhaps you could say that you know what a strain this must put on her, and if need be, perhaps it's time to relocate the kids?  I can hear her hushing from way over here...just wait till that check stops coming.
LOL I jest.  I have NO IDEA what I am talking about.  Dont know how many kids, or if sis wants to do this or is already looking for a way out, so ignore me completely.  I was just imagining that many people getting a check that big for taking care of someone's kids would cringe at the thought of losing all that extra monthly income...but I am speaking tongue in cheek, totally out of turn...and being a silly moron.  Ignore me.  I already am, .

For literally 3 years after my XBPD bf got out of my life, I was such a wreck that I could not function well around men, any time I was alone with them I would start shaking.  I went through a whole lot with him and while I had been very normal before him, I was genuinely a wreck after.  I never would have imagined I could get well enough (when I was in that place) to ever date someone again, let alone marry, but now, I have been married almost 20 years and am just fine, as it were.  Actually, I if anything, I am protective of myself and can't imagine allowing any man to mishandle me, even a little bit, ever again.  So, I got better...for sure...but it did take a lot of time.

[I Am Redeemed]

No LOTR, you're pretty accurate. She has my five oldest kids. I have the youngest.

I don't feel triggered around men, but I can't imagine having another relationship now. Maybe one day, I won't discount the possibility, but it's not anywhere in my list of things that are necessary for me to be OK.