DD made the choice to go to a shelter

[LoveOnTheRocks]

So, as many of you know, my 20DD is not living with me and has been with her long term boyfriend, going to move to a new state.  (I have posted and misunderstood that she was there and already had the 30 day apartment this state gives, which she told me about in her research findings).
She texts today that they tried to get bus tickets this morning (online/cheaper fare) and it didn't work.  Then, they try to get to the bus station and are approached by officers for actually and literally something where they did nothing wrong.  The officers asked for their IDs as they were in a situation they needed to explain, and upon presentation, the BF was arrested.  My BPD daughter texts me as it's happening and so I called her and listened to what was happening and asked (lovingly!) what she needed me to do. She asked me to pay his phone so service wouldnt go out tonight.  I did.  We continued to talk and I didn't want to invite her here, SO MANY REASONS it's terrible for her to try to live at our house, BUT...she is my daughter...and I do so love her...but I digress...
When I asked what she needed me to do, she asked me to pay her phone bill, which I did.  Then, SHE called a local place that shelters homeless women, families, women and kids, etc...and they sent officers.  She did not ask to come here.  She also told me that the officers told her the BF may be locked up on his issues for several months and told me she feels "surprisingly ok" and will continue to use her time to figure things out for herself!  
She CHOSE to go to the shelter and still wants to figure her life out from there.  

My first thoughts were when they couldn't get the bus tickets to the new city, and then the BF gets locked up are...this is a God thing, and an answer to our prayers.  We have wanted very much for her to focus on herself, and even if she can't do that from our house, hopefully God will put people in her path (and has) that will help her to make some wise choices for herself. We are out in the country and she is grounded at our house, which forces her to live a secluded life (she won't fight that, but I fight against that for her).  She may be much happier now, and she may not be blaming me...too...

She just texted that the officer has gotten her and is taking her to the shelter and she can't use her phone till she gets there.  She is going to call me once she's at the shelter.  (I suspect she will be busy hearing house rules and so forth, so it will be longer than she expects).  That said, she is handling this crisis pretty amazingly, and for now, I am only supporting her choices and decisions as she identifies them to me.  I asked what she needed, she said, I was happy to help with that, and then she chose to go to a shelter instead of asking to come home, or to our house...which is SO BAD for all of us.  

Who knows where this will head tomorrow.  I am going to pray that this IS an answer to our families prayers, and if any of you prays, I ask for your prayers, as well.  

It took all in me not to immediately say "Where are you?  I am coming to get you."  Knowing my daughter was alone on the streets was overwhelming.  Now, she is, in reality, where our family wanted her, and by her choice, not our pushing.  I so pray the right people are there and will help her in meaningful ways, and that God is behind it all.  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[FaithHopeLove]

Oh wow LOTR
That really is a God thing. Amazing what happens when we step back and let their own higher power take over. Sure there may be set backs along the way but your daughter has shown some real self love and that is something to celebrate. Here we go  

[PeaceMom]

Celebrating an interesting turn of events with you, LOTR. I must say, life is NEVER dull with these kids in our lives.

[Longterm]

Good news LOTR.

 

[LoveOnTheRocks]

She texted that she's in, done intake and gotten to her room.  I said it sounded awesome.  Then I asked if she wanted to talk, meet the other people there, take a shower?  She said she needed to charge her phone, 3% (...as always), and will call me after the phone charges.
I talked to my mom who is cautiously optimistic about this turn of events and we agreed that it is exciting to hear that she is in a place where she can't just sit, but where the others there will help her to forge a plan for herself. My mom commented that in our entire life, she has fought me on every single little thing, and that we hope with these folks where she is, God will help them to help her figure out what her plan might look like.  From this place on the sidelines, I will encourage, support and try very hard to implement all the things I've been reading about here.

That's where YOU come in.  Remind me again what NOT to do?  Remind me how to talk to her to help her best, PLEASE.

I always assume that you all are going thru similar to me, which is you have tried everything under the sun to help "jumpstart" your kid into life.  I've seen plenty of teens go through phases, but our BPD kids are different...their teen phases are amplified times about 45, and THEN, they are so lost in everything already, that they simply have NO direction...none whatsoever. 
(Why am I capitalizing certain letters...?...who knows? not even me...I think I am trying to talk to you with emphasis much like we are sitting across from each other here on this forum).
You all are the hope FOR ME...so that I have the strength and tools to help this kid of mine embrace her life and put some teeth into it's direction.  I want her to have so many GOOD THINGS to focus on and get done that she doesn't have time to get lost in her head and come out swinging...sure, she's going to get lost in her head...I know it...because sometimes things "look" so good then she accuses the most amazing and cruel things that she thinks in the back of her mind that I am thinking or doing to her...things I have not and would never dream of...not only because she is my child, but because it's not me, and I don't think in those horrid ways towards anyone...not even the family dog...(ok, maybe I mean harm to those freakin houseflies!)...
My child suffers from her thoughts, because to think that I feel a way when in reality I love her with every fiber of my heart...
So, back to she is at the shelter house, and she's gonna call me...
What do I say?  What dont I say?
How do I best help her right now?
What would you do if you were me (and BE HONEST!...you don't have to tell me what you think LOTR wants to hear based on how LOTR acts...I need the real fix here, ..."family") (you all are becoming a family of sorts to me...)
Thanks for being here, reading my terribly long posts, and giving me and each other so much love and feedback!

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Oh, man!  I am so sorry to be hogging my own thread, but she already called, and the conversation has blown my mind.  We talked, like regular people...for a good long time.  I could have NEVER done that without coming here and sorting out where I am really coming from with you guys. 
She is still in a crisis situation, and yet, we had a great discussion about why neither she nor I wants to resume trying to bring her out here in the country to our home.  We both want to get sorted out more...we actually talked about that successfully!  I owned my stuff, and she owned hers, and we moved on to what needs to come next.

This small set of victories today is giving me strength.

The BFs mother hates my daughter because he came home for school break 3 years ago, met my daughter, and never went back to school.  My daughter talked about that and read me this woman's horrible texts to my daughter, and her rock solid responses.  I was SO PROUD of her.  My husband and I have long figured out that these two want to be together, so we do not bad mouth him or the relationship.  I told my daughter tonight that if that's what they choose, then it would be inappropriate for them to try to shack up in my husband and my house...and she said they both agree with that.  I told her I want to support her in whatever she desires, and if this is it, I will in ways I feel I can, and won't in ways I feel I cant.  She said she completely understood and my heart swelled up like a hot air balloon.

My BPD girl is growing up and maturing some.  I am so proud of how she is coping and accepting and still striving to move forward, even through a terrible situation atm...I am also so proud of all of us for looking at, accepting and choosing not to do again some mistakes we've had in our past.  This might not be ideal, but it's just perfect for all of us today...for the reasons that it is...

I will pray through tomorrow.  Please, if you have any feedback, I'd love to hear it...

[FaithHopeLove]

LOTR I really feel your heart and your honesty in these last two posts so I am going to respond as transparently as I can.
 Speaking as another mom in the sidelines, perhaps more sidelined than you right now as my son is not sharing much, the best advice I have is two fold
 First hear the caution in your mother's cautious optimism. Sometimes these big leaps forward are followed by back steps. I think our BPD children ger scares od their own success. It srirs up fears of abandonment. They fear that doing too well will mean getting less attention and support. Celebrate her success bur don't OVER celebrate it. Maybe tell her things like "It's a long journey. One step at a time'"
Second remember you did pur this in God's hands. That means your own hands don't need to be in it. Maybe let her call you when she wants to and be OK if she doesn't
Don't hold her to any schedule.
Those are my thoughts, not as an expert just a fellow mom and, in this case, a fellow believer.
Hugs
Faith
 

[wendydarling]

I'm so heartened to read your news LotR what an amazing triumph to have a 'regular' conversation with your girl  Bet you are busting with pride, I feel it!  

I echo Faith's advice, take it gently, I'm very measured and balanced with my DD, no over the top congrats, you are doing great etc. Emotional support, validation, lots of listening...yes. I share my  euphoria, yippee times and delight the small steps she takes forward with you good folks and friends, family, like you are here in your thread.  

The city is offering your DD learning opportunities and resources she may not have in the countryside, and sometimes it's just good to move on and experience how others live.

LorT like you I'm thinking forward, being realistic DD may need disability support from time to time, or full time, who knows at this point, she's still at home. DD receives a small disability allowance, her friends helped her to apply 2017. It's such a big deal for our kids. In January DD received a loong application to renew, provide her current circumstances, the medical stuff, she was so anxious as it was clear she'd likely be invited to an interview with an 'agency' non medic . We reviewed all her medical documentation for 2018 and DD completed and submitted herself! Yay. They never responded and she continues to receive the same small benefit. For now.

Have a look throughTools for problem solving and diffusing emotions Helpful?

Have you read The Power of Validation?

Can I ask why BF was arrested?

Onwards we go, lovingly and gently.

WDx

[Skip]

You are a good Mom.

[StressedOutDaily]

LOTR So happy to read some positive news... I can not offer any advise,  but I am here supporting you!
~SOD

[LoveOnTheRocks]

Thank you to all for the responses.  I will read and reread them daily to ensure they sink in.

My daughter and I talked today and with the info we had, she was planning more with me about things.  She has her own legal issue pending (not a felony).  She got PTI, which is a chance to do community service and keep the charges off her record, which for her would be good, she really isn't a criminal but was with other kids who delight in crimes, and she got caught up. That said, she didn't go to her scheduled PTI meetings and was gonna skip town.  The BF has some much more serious charges, forgery, bank fraud and grand larceny was what he was arrested for.
I was so happy with successful plans with my daughter today.  She did call her lawyer and was gonna "face the music" on her charges.  She and I had great conversations about how she would proceed in the coming week(s).  We thought the BF would be in jail for some time and she planned to stay at this shelter and work on some good stuff, including facing her own pending charges.

I am heartstruck to say that the BF got 3 PR bonds. I say that because my daughter believes he has not had any real plans to deal with his stuff (which is significant, really...like he really could get some time).  So, she texted that she called the jail and he gets out in 3 hours on his PR bonds.  So, tonight, they will be homeless again (he cant stay at her shelter and she will elect to stay with him).  We are back to the streets and who knows if he will actually stay here and not only face his issues, but encourage my daughter to do the same.  Don't get me wrong...this guy isn't on drugs (neither is my daughter) and he and my daughter could be ok, but they have to fix these things before they can get on with their lives together, and so far, he has encouraged my daughter to skip town with him and neither of them deal with this stuff.

I am heartbroken that the judge didn't give him a big bond so he could get some time served and she could get some of her own issues straight.  That's just the facts of my feelings about this.
Also, will I hear from her again soon?  Not so likely if he's out and it's back to "you and me against the world"...tears in my soul...I actually feel physical pain in the center of my chest...from the sadness. I want so much better for her than all of this, yet, she hasn't dealt with her legal issues for a year plus, and they just hover over her head like a bad suit.  ...and we got to "almost" today.

Im looking at the smileys...none fit.    broken.  OK, we did an alteration. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[LoveOnTheRocks]

I forgot to mention this. We "store" all of my daughter's stuff.  She said today that she needed to come get a change of clothing to carry around.  I asked if she wanted to come and visit for the day or if she wanted to keep it shorter.  She replied "keep it shorter," and told me that one of her friends was going to bring her out. 
I am actually glad that my daughter calls me immediately if something is up and she needs my advice or stable conversation...but, She also has this view of me that results in the above...finding time with me to be ...?...the thing she doesn't want to do.?/?.?

I am her rock, but also her target the instant she wants to blame someone.

I am glad she is trying to regulate, even if it means I am a source of dysregulation for her.

but it hurts...we love our babies forever, and with all our hearts...and normal would be so great, but it's not gonna happen...today or ever...and I am STILL trying to cope with and accept that.

[FaithHopeLove]

Oh LOTR
I know what you mean about the kind of sadness that hits you in the gut. I feel that way too sometimes. It is disappointing that your daughter's BF is back in the picture and her plans for getting herself together in the shelter have now gone awry. But thankfully they are not on drugs and even if they do make some bad choices (like skipping town and not facing the legal consequences of previous actions) they may well sort some things out eventually. It sounds like it may be time to put this back in God's hands. Do you think you can do that (again?) I am praying with you that you will, as the 12 steppers say, have the serenity to accept what you cannot change. I have found that this serenity can go a long way and who knows. There may be more breakthroughs in the future in God's time if not in ours.
Hugs
Faith

[PeaceMom]

I’m sorry LOTR that this situation changed so rapidly. This seems to align with the roller coaster of their lives. My DD who was suicidal 3 days ago left with a new BF and appears to be on a vacation (what the Heck?) in another state with waterfalls and small mountains from the pictures she sent yesterday.

In the past we would have said “ What in the world are you thinking traveling with someone you just met, not telling anyone where you were going. This is nuts and extremely risky!”

But instead H and I both commented on how beautiful her photos were.  I think I’m up for an Academy Award for my acting !

[LoveOnTheRocks]

"It sounds like it may be time to put this back in God's hands. Do you think you can do that (again?)"

Absolutely, as long as you guys don't kick me off this board for posting so much.  THIS is how I am NOT calling her and texting her.  When I get the urge to do that, I come here, read, REMEMBER, and talk with you all, either about my situation(s) or yours.  So, I realized today that this has become my new way of coping with all that is going on in my mind and heart.  I come here instead of trying to work on or fix things with her.  I let the phone sit and sign on the board when my mind starts churning.

Peacemom...Oh my gosh, do I not know that storyline.  sighing heavily...I have seen this all...have stories similar to yours, for sure. Our daughters have so much similarity, it's scary...but then again, it's not so scary for me anymore.  When I come here and read identical, almost in every way, stories you all share, I realize that I have to adapt to this as being normal where she is concerned, and then I don't need to do anything to try to redirect her or fix the issue or try to get her to work on her life in a positive way...These are all things she will have to draw conclusions about when and if she is ever ready to do that.  I guess this is my takeaway, at least for right now. 

I have no idea what's going on now.  Her BF got out last night and headed straight to her...(per her texts that he was otw).  So, that means she doesn't need me to help her through the crisis with lots of texts and phone calls...I am happy to have had those interactions with her...it was wonderful.  I also know that it will be a while before she "checks in" with me again.  I will text with her, which she prefers, a little every day or other day, just to reassure her and me as much as I can...
My mom said she is driven to do what feels good right now with no thought of the future...my mom is right.  College isn't near as important today, to her, as making sure she and her BF are together and doing them.  Overall never crosses her mind...its the feelings in the moment that rule her life.
That's just the way it is, and it's so hard to sideline myself and watch it unfold, but that's exactly what I have to do.  I had little to no influence when she was growing up (any authority got the cold shoulder and brush off around the clock and all the time...and as a parent, that's what I was)...she goes with whom she will and does what she wants to do in order to "feed those feelings" which is the greatest priority she has...all the time.
It is what it is.

Ya'll are the best lifeline!  Thanks for being here!

[PeaceMom]

LOTR,

For about the first month I was here reading, my jaw was hanging open with each and every report of the 15-25 yr old daughters (this is relevant to me personally) whose behavior was all extremely similar. Almost as if once in the BPD category, in that specific age range, their behaviors are cookie cutter. Possibly bc in their minds they only have a handful
of options to try to regulate their out of control emotions.

Before I came to this site, I’d never heard of anyone acting out like this. I thought it was only in the movies.

Keep posting when you need to -that’s what a support group is all about.